Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hey There.

How is everyone doing? This is the longest break I've ever taken from my blog in 7 years. Lots of things going on but I'll be back.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Resusci Anne Was A Creep Fest! Mary C Howse Elementary Made Me Do This In 4th Grade!

*Points old straggly finger at Anne and talks like a ghost* "Kiiiiissss Meeee. KIIIISSSSS MEEEEE!!!"

Did you guys have to do the CPR Resusci Anne when you were in school? Where you had to perform CPR on this creepy ass dummy? I did. In FOURTH grade!! Then again in Seventh. But fourth grade. What were they thinking?

I remember thinking it was kind of scary but looking around the room some of the kids were terrified. Trying not to act nervous. And some were just super embarrassed that they were going to have to put their lips on this actual sized body and blow into it as the whole class watched. "Oh so THAT'S how you would kiss a girl? Oh I see."

I'm thinking of finding out how to volunteer at schools so I can be the person that teaches the kids.....
Like I would go into some schools in the South and make some of the racist kids do CPR on the black male Anne. Holding my clipboard I'd say, "So. You love blacks AND you're gay. Interesting." Maybe rig it so when their lips approach I pump something and it appears that the male Anne is getting a boner. Or just ugly it up with a mane of matted nose hair extending down right above the lips.

Or I would get really close to the kid and say something and when they turned around I'd be wearing one of these Anne masks and whisper, "Join us!"

And I'd choose one special kid that would get these baby Annes. Placed in their bed at night. And they would wake up to the sound of recorded voices saying, "Dad da. Dad da...."

Yeah I gotta get on that.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Linda Cardellini Is Hotter Than Ever. Freaks and Geeks. Brunettes Going Blond.

Does anyone else love the show Freaks And Geeks? I do. Above is Linda Cardelinni. She was on the show. She never really did it for me in the looks department. I mean she was OK but I never thought she was THAT hot. But have you seen her lately?

Man has she aged well. Maybe it's the shaped brows and the makeup I'm not sure. But either way....VavaVOOOM! She's 37 by the way.

Now here she is as a blond.....
Whoa. Stunning. Lots of gals can't pull off the blond thing when they're naturally dark brunette but she does it well. I still like her better as a brunette though.

And here she is showing that she still has a sense of humor.....

Oh beeeeeehaaaaaaaveee!!!! I'm not sure where she was speaking when she did this but would love to find out. And I wonder if she hates that this is one of the photos that shows up first in a Google image search. Also, she does have a long tongue. Am I right? 

Monday, April 8, 2013

I KNOW You'll Like This. Jammie Dodgers Cookies. Monkey On Piano.

OK. I know you guys and I bet you're going to love this English commercial for Jammie Dodger cookies. It's creepy but there's also something sad about it.

Am I right???

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Some Pictures For YOU The Reader. Downingtown Regal. Four Dogs Tavern. Creepy Truck.

Look at this guy staring out the window. What kind of dog is that? Some bull doggy thing? Like a mix? What is he thinking?

How do they sell these gumballs at the Downingtown Regal Theater without a law suit? Isn't this a chocking hazard? They're larger than golf balls!!

The Gibson covered bridge in Downingtown. The bridge that time forgot.

Ahh yes. Here we have the French Dip sandwich at Four Dogs Tavern in Marshalton. But I should have asked for regular horseradish instead of the eating the creamy kind that came with it. But $15 is kinda steep. If you're reading this Four Dogs Tavern please lower it to a more reasonable $11. Thanks.
*Tom Petty's "American Girl plays* "No it's there in the back...Just move to the back a bit."*

This is a truck I see around and I was praying that it wasn't some dude's home but I was able to get close to it and look in. It's a work truck. Phew! And from what I could see there wasn't a single human skull inside. Ten bucks says he named this truck. Probably "Woodsy" or "The Annihilator" or some such nonsense.

*Silence of The Lambs reference. Did you know?

Monday, April 1, 2013

Man Purse Idea Already Made. Damn Germans And Their Design! Unwanted Bulges In Pants.

Do any of you homos have man purses? No? Yeah me neither.

But it does suck being a dude sometimes when you have to carry a bunch of crap around. Cramming it into your pockets. A few years ago I was known to carry a small camera bag once and a while. was only if I was going to a place where I knew the people AND I was swimming or something. AND I had stuff in it like sun tan lotion, a small whiskey, a camera, Swiss army knife. Manly stuff. But I would jokingly call it my man purse. It's not like I carried it around the mall. Jeez!

But I've always thought that someone should come up with an acceptable bag that men can carry. I don't see it happening though. One of my ideas that I came up with was a gun holster that you use to carry all of your shit. And you'd be safe because most people wouldn't say, "Hey, let me see your gun." So you'd be safe and sound. Knowing that your chapstick is just  inches away from you. In your manly man purse gun holster. (And not in your pocket making up unwanted bulges. Distracting from your package)

But sadly, some German company beat me to the punch. First the Holocaust now this!.....

Friday, March 29, 2013

You All Need To Be Tortured By This...

You've all be very bad. Here is your punishment:

Please share your memories of this song. Also, what is your second favorite song from Taco?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Dream About Going Back To College. Messy Dorm Room. Skank Girlfriend.

Do you ever have recurring dreams? At least twice a year I have a dream that I'm back in college. Sometimes it's to get an MBA but usually it was discovered that there was a mistake and that I really had to take a few extra classes. But I go back at my current age.

The other night I had the dream and I was put in with a Freshman. And he was a slob. Papers all over the floor. Video game wires. And he had an ugly girlfriend that was always there. My problem was do I just suck it up or do I tell him, "We need some rules around here." But I was afraid then everyone on the floor would be like, "The old dude is trying to make rules. What an asshole."

And is anyone else good at waking up from a dream then going back to sleep and picking up where it left off? I'm getting better with that.

So there you go. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

WaxVac Commercial. YEAH RIGHT! And It's Making Me Gag!

The WaxVac. Another useless product. 

Look at the the dude six seconds in when he realizes he doesn't know how to use a Q-tip. I love these commercials for the stupid products where they show people doing regular tasks but the makers of the commercials try and make it as though the task is so impossible or hard. Like a woman struggling over the hassle of peeling hard boiled eggs*.

Now look at the same dude at 15 seconds in and the satisfaction and joy he has using the WaxVac.Yeah OK buddy.

The thing that is really making me gag though is when they show a cartoon illustration of a Q-tip going into the ear. Oh my God I don't know why that's making me ill.

So did any of you guys buy it? Come on. Don't lie. 

The only design modification I would have made would be to make it so when you have a WaxVac gun full of ear wax you could flip a switch and use it as a gun. Shooting globs of ear wax on your enemies. Am I right? Hmmmm? Right?

*OK look at this retard 2 seconds in and the struggle she has peeling hard boiled eggs:

Friday, March 22, 2013

A Little Donny And Marie For You. Uncle Miltie and Paul Lynde Too.

Here you go. A little Donny and Marie Show action for you. And if you ask me, Marie still looks hot. Except I don't like her with the short hair here. Also, check out Milton Berle and Paul Lynde.

And you may remember that I mentioned a long time ago that I can do an imitation of Michael Landon's face when he cries? Remember? Well I just remembered after watching this that I can also do an imitation of Milton Berle's face when he does this goofy ass expression. But I haven't done it in years so don't ask me to do it for you.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Power of Friendship. Drunk People. Never Fall Asleep. "Old Pineapple Head."

*Pulls out casio keyboard and clears throat*

Keep Smiling...

Keep shining...
I'll be on your siiiiide forever more......
That's what friends are foooooorrrrrr......

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What's Your Drunk Food? Wait...I Ate THAT Last Night? BONUS EPISODE YOU MUST READ!

Nothing like a night of drinking then being starved and scarfing down food. But then of course you have to wake up in the middle of the night feeling like hell. The worst is seeing a bag of Burger King and being all, "I ate THAT last night??"

The thing that I used to eat all the time back in the day that people found really weird was instant mashed potatoes. Take a look....

Of course that picture is missing the huge slab of butter in the middle. And the people that thought it was weird to eat them quickly change their minds after they saw a steaming plate of mashers. NOW who's the idiot for having a box of Hungry Jack in his car? Hmmm? Hmmm? I prefer making homemade but who has time for the that when you're drinking? What am I gonna do? Carry around a bag of potatoes and a peeler? Puuu-LEASE!

And on the subject of being drunk and eating food here's a post that I wrote that is probably the hardest I've laughed in my life. I'm not kidding. Click HERE to read it.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Can't Stop Laughing At Vin Diesel. Fast And Furious 6. Downingtown Regal.

Me in Theater: Hahahaha!

Girl in Theater (to boyfriend): Why is that guy laughing?


Girl in Theater (to boyfriend): Why does that guy keep laughing? This trailer isn't even a comedy??

That's that happened when I watched the Fast and Furious 6 trailer. OK I'm lying. No girl was talking to her boyfriend. That I could hear. But I was laughing. Hard. Laughing at every Vin Diesel line and expression. I can't wait to see this just to see him. It's almost like he's doing a parody of someone in an action film.

You have to check it out. Here you go. I defy you not to laugh. Go ahead. Give it a try:

Hmmm? Was I right?

And remember when I saw Vin Diesel in Vegas? No? Here's the story.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

PJ Whelinhan's of Downingtown Are You Kidding Me? Tater Tots. Bert Stinkerstone.

ALERT:: Our civilization will end in 7...6....5....4.....3...... Above is a picture of what my daughter ordered at PJ Whelinhan's sports bar in Downingtown yesterday. "Loaded Tater Tots."

I know it's a sports bar and at sports bars they serve bar food but something about this disturbs me. Look at the picture. Pretty appetizing huh? *gag*

We went there after going to the movies by the way. And speaking of movies the movie The Call is pretty entertaining but the Steve Carrell movie Bert Wonderstone is so bad and unfunny I'm shocked they released it. If I ever see it on TV while flipping channels someday I  won't even pause for a second. That's how bad it was. Even people in the theater weren't laughing. And that's bad because there are always people in theaters at comedies that laugh extra loud just to get attention. I hate those idiots.

All I kept thinking while watching it was how uncomfortable the premiere must have been. And the actor's must have been sitting there thinking, "I can't believe I'm in this."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Rabbit's Foot and The Dead Man Down Movie. Noomi Repace and Abigail Spencer.

I totally forgot that I used to have a rabbit's foot in 2nd grade. And I used to wear it on my belt loop.And I used to believe that it gave me super powers. I also thought that pieces of fool's gold that I collected gave me powers*. So I tried to keep one of those in my pocket.

I haven't thought about my rabbit's foot in years until I last week when I saw the movie Dead Man Down and there was a rabbit's foot in it. Pretty good movie and I will say that Noomi Repace was great in it. Looking forward to her in more movies. She's not my total type but there's something about her I like. Maybe it's the darkness. Even though I'm not really into that either so who knows. Just a great actress. Here she is:

Here's her when she's dark:

And speaking of women in movies I saw the stupid Oz movie. Don't see it. But there's a chick at the beginning that I DO like. And it was killing me who she was. In case you didn't know I never forget a face. She played the naive Kansas girl at the beginning of the movie. And she was super sweet. Here she is...tell me if you recognize her:
Did you guess? It's Abigail Spencer. She was in the web series Burning Love. Now SHE'S my type. Classic good looks and smiley. If you haven't seen Burning Love check it out. It's a parody of  The Bachelor. That reminds me. I need to check out season two of it that just came out. OK. I gotta go.

*If you want to see the other fashion accessory I had back in the day check out THIS post. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Man Waved At By Chick Whilst People Watching And Listening to Wok And Woll.

He was sitting at a bar.

Watching the band and people watching.

From the end of the bar a cute girl smiles and waves to him.

Playing it cool he casually waves back. He thinks, "Do I know her? Is she waving because she likes me? She probably wants me to ask her to dance. Meh. I don't feel like it."

Just then - from his side - he hears a woman say, "Hey!" and she waves to the woman across the bar. It turns out he wasn't being waved at from the first woman as he originally thought. She was just waving at her friend who had just walked into the bar.

He considers yelling, "I  KNOW YOU WEREN'T WAVING AT ME! I WAS WAVING AT THE PERSON BEHIND YOU!" But realizes she's right up against the wall so it wouldn't make any sense.

He sits in shame.

And that man's name Da Gama*. Yeah. It wasn't me. It was Vasco Da Gama. The famous Portuguese explorer. You know...he sailed to India in the 16th century? Yeah. He did it. Not me. OK I have to go.

*And then  - according to Wikipedia - Vasco tried to peek over at the two women to see if the one was saying, "Can you believe that fucking dude thought I was waving at him? What an asshole."

PJ Whelihan's Downingtown Bacon Blue Burger and Hiring Hot Chicks. Sports Bars In Chester County.

There it is. The Bacon Blue Burger from PJ Whelihan's in Downingtown. I had it the other day and man was it deliiiish! I think I need to start eating more Gorgonzola. Gorgonzola is a blue cheese originally from Gorgonzola, Milan in case you didn't know. Created in 879 AD to be exact. Now you're prepared for Jeopardy.

I might have asked a similar question in a previous post but I forget so I'll ask it again. How do places like PJ Whelihan's - a sports bar known for it's hot bartenders and waitresses - turn down the homely chicks when they come in to interview? Like does they ask them all the usual interview questions but they know all along there's no way on God's green earth that she's getting a job there? I'm sure they have to. I remember that some dude a few years ago tried to sue Hooter's because they wouldn't hire him but I wonder if some ugly chick ever tried to sue for not being hot? Makes you wonder.

And I will say for the record that it's pretty pathetic seeing middle aged dude's getting all flustered when talking to a 21 year old bartender. I saw it when I was there. Pull yourself together man.

Friday, March 8, 2013

HAHA! Remember This Career Killing Video? Fem. Billy Squiere.

Remember this Billy Squiere video that literally killed his career because he looked like such a fem?

Dear God is this embarrassing. Also, try watching it with the sound off.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Breaker Breaker. Can I Get a 10-20? Bears. The 70's.

CB radio salute!

Let's learn all the lingo!
Wear this baby with pride. Don't mind the spelling error of the word "What's."

Oh yeah they do. And what is she holding? Tiny underwear?

Everyone is getting in on the action.

And to read a CB related post I wrote click here

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Anyone Else Watching Indian Movies? Dabanng 2. Downingtown Regal.

As you know I see a lot of movies. And guess what my local theater (Downingtown Regal) has been showing? Indian movies!! We're talking Bollywood baby.

At first I was skeptical thinking I would be bored but they're great! In a cheesy way. Like that dude above? He's in the movie Dabanng 2. And it's NOT a comedy. Look at his proud stance. The stories are actually pretty good but the dudes in the movies are total macho cheeseballs. And the way they treat the ladies is pretty bad. All macho and shit. And the ladies like it. It's like they're in the 70's!

I just hope they keep playing them because whenever I go it's only me and a few other Indian people in the theater. One time this really old Indian lady - and I mean REALLY old - brought her own chair. I was all Huh???

OK so here's a little taste of one of the songs that they broke into during the movie. Let me know what you think.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Rascal And Fatties And Old People. And Disney Wearing Folk Too.

Is it me or are more fatties riding The Rascal (aka motorized wheel chair thingy)?

I can see if you're old or if you were injured but if you're fat I think you should have a little bit of shame riding one. I don't see that many people riding them at supermarkets but I bet in a few years more and more people will. All it's gonna take is for a fatty to see a few other fatties ride one then all hell is gonna break loose. You wait. You heard it here first. Then fatties are going to insist that all stores have these things.

And on the subject of The Rascal and old people look at the old couple featured on The Rascal website:

Matching clothes? Really? I hope when I get old the advertising isn't as old peopley. And if I ever want to wear matching clothes with my spouse please kill me. Is that something that these couples evolve into when they get older? The only thing worse than this is when you see a couple and each one has their own Disney character that they wear. Like the woman is into Tinkerbell and the dude is into Grumpy. "You know Bob. He always has to wear his Grumpy. Me? I'm a Tinkerbell gal myself."

Kill me if I ever do that too.

Monday, March 4, 2013

This Nicholas Cage Image Had Me Laughing. Has Science Gone Too Far?

Oh my God I was surfing the information super highway and when I came across this image I couldn't stop laughing. Not AT the image but at the caption. about the image.

Attention Roman Catholic Cardinals. Conclave. No Excuse.

Attention Cardinals at the conclave preparing to vote for the next Pope. How about choosing one that wants to clean the church of child molesters? And bring them to justice. Because the last few Popes ignored this atrocity. But I'm sure you want to keep ignoring it.

How do you live with yourselves? No excuse.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Spammers Can Suck It! Removal Of Capchas Leads To Spam On Blogger. FIX THIS BLOGGER!

What the hell!!?? I changed my blog comments so everyone doesn't have to fill in capchas (as seen above) and guess what? I'm now getting 10 - 15 spam comments a DAY that I have to moderate and mark as spam. What the hell?

And all of the spam is to sites like online casinos and thigh cremes and crap like that. And it's obvious that it's coming from China because the comment will say something like:

"You been very good with explain of this great subject that I will share with friends. It did inform." Then they'll be a link. And there's never a "contact us" area on the website that the link goes to so I can bitch. Are they paying Chinese people per comment they leave? And why if I hit "mark as spam" can't Google/Blogger stop these comments from coming?

And I hate to go back to capchas because they're getting harder and harder to read. Damn it all to Hell!!

Monday, February 25, 2013

"Everyone Thinks I'm So Much Younger." Suuuuure They Do... "I Always Get Carded!"

I ran into a dude I used to work with last week and we got talking. He asked me how old my kids are (they're 19 and 16) He then asked, "How old are YOU?" And when I told him he said, "What? I always thought you were ten years younger!"

Now here's the thing. I'm told often that I look younger than I am but I think maybe I look a few years younger. Not ten. *looks in mirror* Hmmm. Maybe he is right... But do you ever run into these people - mostly women - that say, "Everyone thinks I'm 33!" OK so here's what usually happens. THEY say to the person, "How old do you THINK I am?" And the person being asked always says a younger age. But I've seen some of these people that claim that everyone thinks they're younger and when they tell me that I'm thinking, "Uh..I don't think so sweetheart."'

And then you have the women in their thirties that claim that they're always getting carded. OK. It happens legitimately to some women but usually the person doing the carding is trying to be nice. I hate to break the news to you.

But there are people that look younger than they are. Maybe it's something like 25 percent look five years younger and five percent look 10 years younger. What do you think?

As for looking older than you are that's the worst. I met this dude the other week and he said he was 43. I was thinking 55. I think my face looked kind of shocked when he told me. Oh well.

And on the subject of age I can't for the life of me tell the age of girls/women sometimes between the ages of 19 and 30.

So do any of you get told you look younger? How much younger? Also, state your age in the comments if you want. I'm curious how old you guys are.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Riding The Bus With My Sister. Great Acting Rosie.

And when you're acting and you're REAAAAAALLY acting....

So how hard was it to keep a straight face on the Rosie O'Donnell movie Riding the Bus with My Sister where she plays a special? I imagine her barking orders at the crew then a second later going into this terrible acting.

And I bet in interviews she probably said, "this is a story that really had to be told." And I'm sure the word "courage" was thrown around a lot.

Here's the trailer. Feel free to critique her acting in the comments area:

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Limoncella of West Chester Gets Thumbs Up From Important Pork Lover For The Sliders. Chester County Pork.

As you know I love me some pork. With provolone. And long hots.

Here's a variation I got from Limoncello in West Chester, Pa the other week in the form of sliders. Pretty tasty. But I wish they gave you four. Or at least three. And an extra long hot. But then again it was an app and they were discounted for happy hour so I could have gotten a second serving. If I had wanted to look like a slob that is.

And here's what the bar area looks like in case you were wondering:

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

WARNING: Don't See The Movie Safe Haven. Julianna Hough.

I knew the movie Safe Haven was going to be bad but I saw it anyway (with my daughter). And when I say bad I mean Hallmark Channel bad.

Here are a things about it (SPOILER ALERT)

- Julianna Hough looks great but the acting? She totally exaggerates everything. And we know you have a great smile but it's way too much. She KNOWS she's sexy and that makes it annoying. And I can't get over the fact that she goes out with Ryan Seacrest.

- As mentioned above it's like a Hallmark movie. Super cheesy dialogue. Everything is predictable.

- Major inconsistency in the scene pictured above where she's in orange bikini. She's romping around in it in the water and a minute later she's back to wearing a tank top with bra and shorts. Where and why would she have changed??

- There's a scene after the house is burnt to the ground and the set designer should have been "fired." It looks like someone said, "OK we're filming the house after the fire. We have five minutes to throw a few things in this area! Lets get to work people!"

- OK this is the kicker (and Spoiler Alert): Throughout the movie she is friends with a woman that turns out to be the  ghost of Josh Duhamel's wife! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? This is the worst ending I've ever seen to a movie ever. It's kind of like when you find out Bruce Willis was the ghost in The Sixth Sense but it makes no sense here. Was this movie written by a 7th grader? I'm sure Nicholas Sparks thought he was clever when he came up with this but really? So stupid.

Don't see this movie.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Remember When Blackman On Strangers With Candy Did That Dance? Charleston Style.

Remember when Principal Blackman did that dance at the end of that episode of Strangers with Candy? No. Not from the picture above. From the end of that one episode when they dance? Yeah you do. You don't? OK here's where he got it from. I'm going to practice it (it's the fancy footwork the first dude is doing) ......

Here are some other people doing it. It's called Charleston Style. And they do work in the arm swing and leg kick of the regular Charleston that we all know. And love.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Discusting Stink After Opening Up Ribs From Exton Giant. Get it Together!

On Saturday I go over to the Exton Giant Supermarket to buy some ribs that were on sale. I get home, cut open the plastic package and this stink wofts out of the package smelling so bad it almost knocked me over!

At first I thought maybe the smell was something from the garbage disposal but it wasn't. It was from the meat. I looked at the meat. It wasn't discolored. And the sell by date was eight days away. How does this happen?

I pack up the meat in four plastic bags (so the juices wouldn't leak) and I drive back to the Giant to get my money back. And my car stunk so badly I had put a window down. I bring it up to the counter and they didn't even question me about it. But about 10 seconds into making the return the customer service guy says, "OH MY GOD!" and pushes the ribs away.

How does this even happen? Was the meat sitting out for too long before they packed it? Did something other than the meat get into the package? Now I'm going to be grossed out by ribs for a while.