Dr Zibbs DOES Have A Heart. I Do Get Into Crybaby Mode.

I bet a lot of you don't think I have emotions. But I do. I'm not a robot. In fact, I just was walking around the block on my regular Ipod walk and listening to this Beegees song. It almost brought me to tears. Just so sad.

I think depending on what's going on in my life, coupled with my mood, the Ipod music, etc....just gets me all emotional and shit. So here's the first song that got me:



Then, I listened to the The Little Willies. Norah Jones is in that group and I love her. She's just so soothing. Here's her singing "Love me". She just kills me.

OK. Who wants to come come give me a cold compress and rub my back to soothe me?

I'm Gonna Make You A STAAAAAAA!

And then you got this:

Question About People That Has To Do About Nipples And Lips.

I was out with a friend of mine recently and SHE...not me...made this statement: "I have a theory that you can tell the color of someones areolas by the color of their lips. The lips may be a bit darker because of the sun darkening the lips but it's usually a pretty close match".

HUH???

I was more taken back because I can't believe I've ever heard this theory. Being a total areola man and all, I was a bit ashamed. Maybe it's not even true. But the more I thought about it, the more it kind of made sense.

I still need to do some field testing but has anyone ever heard this? Do you think it holds up?

It's Been Too Long. Lawrence Welk. Love Will Keep Us..

Fuck this shit!

I haven't played any Lawrence Welk in ages on this here blog. This is for you Gage. Ladies and Gentleman...Love Will Keep Us Together*:



*I'm too lazy to look but I MAY have played this video before.

Here Are Some Print Ads. And I Made Craaazy Captions For Them.

Some print ads with some captions.


He's a prospector Timmy. A dirty, stinking prospector. Not a respectable accountant like me. And guess what? He's never going to find gold. Not a bit. I KNOW he has a donkey but that's not the point! Helen turn off the God damn TV!"


....."HAHAHAHA!! So I'm like, 'Yeah, I AM fucking your wife'..he goes to hit me and she smashes him in the back with a...with a...hahahaha...with a fucking iron!!!!!!"


I KNEW I was wasting all these years believing in God!


"Hey fatty get over there and eat your lard. Three more pounds and we can get the Lane Bryant catalog for free."


"That's it. Finish your 7up Sweetie and Mommy will give you some corn on the cob."

Feel free to leave your alternate captions in the comments section. It's not a contest so don't get all nervous.

The "Music" On This Makes Me Laugh Till I Cry. Sliding Board.

I remember seeing this video a few years ago on a blog and giggling like an idiot.

It's not so much the video but the "music" is just so stupid it kills me. I picture the dude standing in a room recording it until he got it juuuuust right, "God damn it! I almost had it down. Take 37. MOM. BE QUIET! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M RECORDING DOWN HERE?"

Downingtown Farmers Market. Missing Dummy Video.

Did you ever part ways with something then spent the rest of your life thinking of it?

Let me explain. When I worked in high school at the audio store at the Downingtown Farmer's Market, some weird man came in to see if we would buy his video camera.

I think the year may have been 1980 and it was one of those big ass cameras that they probably still use in Russia today.

So he leave the camera with us and we can take a look at it. And the video tape that was inside the camera was pure gold. Solid 24 karat gold. We hit play and we see him walking in front of a black curtain. He's carrying something. What is it? What is it?

It's a ventriloquist dummy. Oh no this is gonna be good. He places the dummy in the chair and walks out of camera view. The song "In My Life" by Paul McCartney begins to play. You can see the man crawling below camera view so he can get behind the dummy to "work it". Just that craptacular move alone made it great.

He plays the entire song. The dummy lip syncing the song to the crappy audio. The room's all echo and shit. Probably was his basement*. (Or "the staging area" as he probably calls it). At the instrumental portion in the middle of the song he shakes the dummy as if it's supposed to be dancing. But he shakes it so much that it looks like it's having convulsions. So much for subtlety.

The song ends and a piece of loose leaf paper is lifted up toward the dummy that reads, "Happy Anniversary". Crappy handwriting and all.

WHAT????

The description might not sound that funny but trust me. It was one of the funniest/creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.

I wonder if the woman viewed the video and cried tears of joy? Or just slowly backed up..looking for an escape. Was this done in one take? So many questions.

But the biggest question is, "Why didn't we keep that tape???"

And the best part is that when the guy came back he was really proud and asked, "Did you see the tape that was in there? I spent a lot of time on that. It was an anniversary gift to my wife."

*torture chamber

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: If I were that guy I would have made ONE change to the video. At the beginning I would have slowly raised my head into camera view. I would have faked a cough. Then, reached for a glass of water (to sooth the cough. You know what I mean?). I would then have sipped the water as the dummy was playing to show that, "Look, it's the dummy really singing". Which really makes no sense at all because it's obvious that it's Paul McCartney singing. But I wouldn't care. I would then give a shrug as if, "How do you explain this one? Nobody can really, but enjoy the rest of the song". Then I would slowly disappear from view. Slowly, like I was going down an elevator. Maybe I'd push an imaginary elevator button first. I'm not sure.)

Hiii-YA! Is This Offensive Toward Asians? Philly Comic Ed McGonigal.

I was at the Wawa earlier and an Asian guy walked over to the lady in the car next to me and started going off on her. Just yelling like crazy. I think she may have cut him off and then she gave him the finger. It was hard to hear even though I turned my radio down and tried to listen.

And he really started yelling loud. It was to the point that I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to grab her. But then he just walked away.

So I tweeted that I was going to get involved but I wasn't sure if he knew karate or not. (of course I was kidding because I was about to step in). Is that offensive to Asians? One of my Asian followers said no. I don't THINK it is. I guess because it's complimentary. Like assuming a black dude has a big one or a gay guy knows how to pick out window treatments.

What do I know? I'm just writing this stuff as a joke anyway. But I wonder what people think about these things. I'm sure it's mixed.

And on a related note, here's a really funny video from my friend Ed McGonigal* doing a bit about how the Irish take no offense to their stereotype about drinking. Check it out. It's the first joke in the video.



*Ed was my main man when I did stand-up back in the day in Philly. And for the record, I used to always call him "Crazy Legs" McGonigal. For no other reason that I thought it would be funny/stupid if when he went up onstage he said, "Crazy Legs McGonigal coming at you" - and did that thing where you hold your front knees then shake them around (like the flappers used to do). So after about a year of begging him to do it he finally did. And he's like, "There, you happy Zibbs?" And I was.

Do You Think This Dating Video Is Fake? Video.

Why are you ladies always complaining that there are no great men left?

Look at these prizes*.



*I actually think this whole thing was staged and that they're actors. What do you think?

Bingo The Dog Is Finally Gone. Burying A Dog Sucks.

A few weeks ago I mentioned how we had to put my dog Bingo to sleep because we found out he had cancer of the spleen. And we were going to do it right away because the vet said he only had a few weeks to live.

After talking to the vet more she said that he wasn't really in pain, just some discomfort. So we decided to take it day by day. And although he was more tired than usual, and followed us around more than more, he didn't seem that bad.

He even ran out the door and followed me up the street just a few days ago. I looked back and he was running after me, his big old lab tail wagging. Running a bit slower than usual but still running.

Well yesterday things took a turn for the worse. He started to bleed a bit out of his ass.

So we called the vet, and instead of telling us to bring him to one of the vets that was open on a Sunday she said, "I live in Downingtown. I'll be there in half hour." Which was so great.

She came over and we decided to have him put to sleep right there. On our front porch. It was really, really sad but also very peaceful. I didn't think that I'd be able to sit through it but I did. We talked to him as he got the first injection and got more and more tired.

Over the 20 minutes it took for him to be sedated a few people were walking their dogs around the block. He would normally bark but instead he just looked up. Once he was fully sedated, she gave the second injection and it was over in five minutes.

I even asked if she could help wrap him up in the blanket because just moving him around while he was lifeless was too much. So she wrapped him up. Swaddled him really. We thanked her and she left.

We decided to bury him in the back yard so we put him into the wheelbarrow and wheeled him to the back of our yard next to the creek. It was right next to where we buried all of the other frogs, gerbils, Guinea pigs and hermit crabs over the years. But this hole was going to have to be a lot bigger.

I dug the hole while Bingo laid wrapped in his favorite blue blanket. The hole took about an hour to dig because there were so many rocks. I'd stop once in a while and just look at the blanket - not believing he was dead. And cry a bit.

Finally, after digging the hole, we put him in the hole and made sure he was curled up. We then put two of his stuffed animals in with him. Then filled in the dirt. There was a huge rock that I put in front of his grave. I may paint his name on it.

A sad day. But I'm glad we decided to bury him in the back yard instead of having him cremated. At least we'll know he'll always be there.

Goodbye Bingo. You were a great dog.

Various 70's Advertising Images That I Like. Gremlin.

Here are a few 70's ads I found on the internet:


...And then, kick her down a flight of steps and dump some garbage on her. That's what they really want.


You mean I only have to make a multi-year commitment and potentially put my life in danger and I get some fine luggage? I'M IN!! Wait. Is it that faux alligator skin? It is? OK. Just checking.


That's right ladies. I'm a model. You may have seen me struttin' my stuff in that trousers ad. Remember that? Sure you do. But what's great is that now you can get my image in postcard form so you don't have to clip out my trouser ad and tape it to an index card and pretend it's a postcard. You're too sophisticated for that. And plus look at my sexy belly hair.


Just when I thought the Gremlin couldn't get any cooler you can now get it with seats that look like denim!


I have nothing funny to ad here. I just wanted to remind myself to track down these shoes. Seriously, look at them.

Weird Book Combination That I'm Reading. Swimming And Reading.

I've been spending a lot of time in my parents pool over the last week because of the heat here in South Eastern PA.

And when I'm not actually swimming I like to set up a beer in the low end and read. I like to walk in circles in the low end and read while I'm walking. So in the past week I've probably walked 10 hours in the pool.

It beats what some of you guys are doing when you're in the pool reading. Like inhaling a cheesesteak.

I'm not judging.

I also like to alternate what I'm reading. I'll read a few magazine articles for instance then I'll switch to a book. But this week I've been switching between two books. And I realized that maybe I AM a weirdo because one of the books is one of the saddest books I've ever read and the other has me laughing out loud.

I bet the people that are spying on my from in the woods are all, "Huh?"

The sad book is My Lobotomy by Howard Dully. It's super sad. It's about a man that was given a lobotomy in 1960 when he was 12. The really sad thing is that there was nothing really wrong with him. Trust me, you'll be crying.

The funny book is My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black. It's HYSTERICAL. It's a book of funny essays. I'm telling you, you've GOT to read this book. A few examples of the chapters are:

- One Day I'm Going To Open A Scented Candle Shop.
- A Series of Letters To The First Girl I Fingered.
- Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal

And as I'm switching between the two books I'm thinking, "Something is really weird about this".

Maybe not. I don't know.

Get Your Tissues Out Babies. Willie Nelson.

Sometimes when you're really, really sad - nothing helps better than a sad song. Like Willie Nelson doing this:

If You Got Money For Plastic Surgery How Would You Spend It? Pecs.

I'm not sure if I'd ever get plastic surgery but who knows? Maybe in 15 years or something if my face gets all saggy and shit I might consider it.

But if someone gave me money now and said I HAD to spend it on some type of plastic surgery I MIGHT get a pec implant. Two of them. This of course is after two seconds of thought I just gave to it. I'm not even sure if they look good or not. I guess since I'm kind of thin I think it would look good on me.

Do straight guys even get pec implants? Or is it maybe even just for dudes that have that weird woman boob condition. Which I DO NOT have.

You see, the problem is, no matter how much I lift I can't get muscly. Not that I'm lifting now, but a few years ago I lifted religiously for about a year and a half. And I was eating tons of protein. If anyone else had done the same workout I swear they'd look like the Incredible Hulk. With me? You could only kind of tell.

I was also doing tons of running and biking at the same time so maybe that's part of it. I don't know.

Anyway....if someone gave you unlimited money for plastic surgery what would you get done?

The Content Of This Post Will Make You Mad. West Whiteland.

So check this out.

There was a really violent storm in Chester County, Pa on Thursday. It was so bad that it took down a huge tree in my neighbor's yard. I'm pretty bad at estimating height but it was over twice the size of a two story colonial home. It was a maple tree.

So I'm taking by Ipod walk that night and I approach the area where my "You got a problem Mutha Fucka?" incident happened. And I notice police tape around the area where the tree fell. Like an idiot, I duck under the police tape and continue walking.

I see people jumping up and down waving to me. It's a crowd of people that gathered to look at the damage. I take my ear buds out and their yelling, "THERE ARE LIVE WIRES IN THERE!"

Whoops. So I duck out of the danger area and continue my walk. OK. I know -it was stupid. I really wasn't thinking that there would be live wires.

Now a bit later I end up playing darts in Calhoun's garage with a few other neighbors. I leave about 11:30 but everyone else stays.

I find out the next day that after I left, they all smelled something burning. They said it smelled like when you're getting your teeth drilled at the dentist. They go out to investigate and there's a deer lying on one of the live wire's and he's being electrocuted.

They call 911 and the police arrive.

The next day came and my neighbor who was there for the ordeal says he drove by the deer at nine in the morning and it was still alive. Having convulsions on the wire. NINE HOURS LATER!

Can a body do that when it's dead or do you think it was still alive? And it if was still alive, aren't police supposed to shoot animals in that situation? I have no idea what the rules are in West Whiteland (Chester County, PA) but that is just wrong!

And guess what? The deer is now dead but it's still lying on the side of the road in my neighborhood. And they just yesterday covered it with some type of blanket. And it STINKS!

The whole incident stinks! Thanks for nothing West Whiteland.

Ladies and Gentleman..The Carpenters. Close To You.

Feel free to sing along.

Or sway.

A Pet Dying Sucks. We Love You Bingo.

I'm playing this short video of a puppy lab because I just found out my lab Bingo has cancer and we have to put him to sleep this week.

We just told the kids. This sucks.

Real Sex Talk From Doctor Before I Got Married. Being Clean.

Remember when I told you about the sex talk I got from my Dad? No? Click here to read it.

Well I just remembered the sex talk I got from my wife's family doctor when we went to get our blood tests before we got married.

We had been warned of this ridiculous sex talk from some of my wife's cousins and honestly, I thought they were exaggerating. But they weren't because it was as ridiculous as they said it would be.

Here are two parts that I remember. I just stared at a chart on the wall and tried with everything in me not to laugh as the 80 year old doctor said:

"Now Jim, there might be times when...when you're feeling a bit amorous. And you might come in the house from working on the car and you might feel the desire to just GRAB at your wife. You really shouldn't do that way. It's best to clean yourself up and start things slow. That's the best way."

"And you really should just stay away from anal sex. It's just dirty."

I swear this is true.

IPhone vs the Droid. There Are So Many Questions. Help Me Decide.

I just realized that my contract is up for Verizon so I was thinking about getting an IPhone. But then I looked at the Droid - specifically the Droid Incredible - and it looks really great too.

I guess the things that are keeping me away from the IPhone are:

- I've heard the phone services is bad ie dropped calls.
- I've been told they are now charging extra depending on the amount you download so its really not truly "unlimited".
- The Droid is supposed to have better voice to text capability which is great because then I can simply speak my precious tweets instead of typing them (and potentially damaging my beautiful fingers)

So let's here it. What are the pros and cons of each. Also, Droid 2 is coming out and it WILL have a keyboard. Do you like having the keyboard?

And lastly to see a video comparing the Droid and the IPhone - click here. (This is a different from the one I linked to on Twitter)

Would You Rather?.... Gorillas and A Tiny Leg Growing From Your Back.

Here are a few "would you rathers". Feel free to leave your answers in the comment section. If you're too lazy to answer all three, answer two...or even one.

Would you rather:

1) Make out with a tame gorilla for 10 minutes. The gorilla has been tamed and will NOT harm you.

2) Live with Shane Macgowan (original singer of the Pogues) for 1 month and have sex with him everyday.



Would you rather

1) Have only one tooth. And it's right there in the middle. And everyone could see it.

2) Have a 6 inch leg growing from your back (from your twin that died in the womb). Remember, you could conceal it if you wanted to.

Would you rather

1) Have the power of flight.

2) Have the power to turn invisible.

And if you have any would you rathers for me ask me in the comments area and I will answer them.

Bees. Oh They'll Get Ya! Bee Attack In West Whiteland.

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about bees. Pretend you were there as I retell the story:

My son was about five and my wife hears screaming coming from the backyard. She runs out and my son and his friend Kyle are running toward the house. They had stepped in a bees nest.

So my son gets in the house but Kyle is surrounded by bees and is being stung. And the bees are going up his pant leg and up his shirt.

Now I wasn't there but my wife was telling me the story when I got home from work. I'm like, "What did you do?"

She says, "I was really calm. I was like OK Kyle, let's pull you shirt off...OK here we go..Good...OK step out of your shorts...OK...as I walked him toward the house. I finally got his shirt and pants off and I pulled him into the house."

What?

I don't know how she stayed so calm. I really think I might have done this as my son ran into the house: "OK Kyle, Jack can't play now..OK..you just go home now. Alright?We've got some things to do..(as I pull the door shut)...come back tomorrow.

Well hopefully I wouldn't have done that but I could have seen myself saying, "JUST RUN AROUND THE HOUSE! BEES ARE SLOW! (as I watched from the inside of the house) THAT'S IT..FASTER! THE BEES ARE GETTING TIRED! I CAN TELL!"

Forgetting The Name Of Someone After You Hook Up. The Rat In West Chester.

On Twitter we were talking about when you hook up with someone and then you forget their name. Kind of like on that episode of Seinfeld.

How many times can you ask, "Wait...what's your name again?" So I would just start calling them by a nickname after a while. Although I'm sure it was obvious. Who know? And there was usually drinking involved so who really cares? I didn't.

But the worst was years ago when my friend Conner and I were out at The Rat in West Chester. He meets a girl and asks her out*.

Saturday comes and he's on the date. Here are the messages I get on my voicemail over the span of a half hour (note that this happened in the 1730's so there were no cell phones):

Conner(whispering): Jim. Jim. Hello? Pick up...I'm calling from a pay phone at the Malvern Meeting House. I'm on my date with that girl.

Conner(whispering): Jim. Are you there? What's the name of the girl I'm on the date with. I can't remember...

Conner (whispering but frantic): Jim! If you're there PICK. UP. THE. PHONE!!! What's the name of the girl I'm on the date with? My Uncle's at the restaurant and I can't remember her name and I'm going to have to introduce her to him!! ARE YOU THERE??

Well he did run into his Uncle and he had to say to his date, "I'm sorry but I totally forgot your name. What is it again?"

He said the expression on her face was, "You have GOT to be kidding me."

It was their last date.

Smooth. Real smooooth....

*I had a girlfriend at the time. That's why I didn't meet a girl. Just we're clear on that... But come to think of it, I'm the one that started talking to the girl and her girlfriend so....I guess that counts for something.

Why Do I Have To Get The Ultimate Deal On Everything? Ipods.

One of quirks is that I always have to get the ultimate deal on things I buy. Here are a few examples:

Trek Road Bike-
- Cost to buy new: $1300
- My cost: $350
- I found it advertised in the paper. The guy only rode it a few times.

Weber Grill-
- Cost to buy new: $700 with all of the accessories (including the rotisserie)
- My cost: $200
- Found ad in the paper. The people used it three times but were moving to
Florida and they didn't want to bring it for some reason.

Craftsman Riding Mower
- Cost to buy new: $1300
- My cost: $350
- Found it at a garage sale. Super rich Dad bought for his son that wanted to start a lawn cutting business but then the kid "got lazy."
(The sad thing with this purchase is that I have eight huge maple trees in my yard with roots so it actually took longer to cut the lawn with the rider. So I gave it to my Dad)

It's great to get deals on big ticket items but it seems that I do that for everything. I guess I'm always afraid that I'm going to see it cheaper somewhere else then I'll dwell it.

The problem is that I used to spend so much time researching stuff to get the best deal I was spending a ridiculous amount of time. Hours and hours. So I've really been trying not to do it anymore.

So last night on Ebay I bought the 160G Ipod. Because my Ipod just broke. It cost $214.99. I barely researched this product. I didn't spend hour comparing to see if I could get it cheaper. I just did the "Buy it now".

It should arrive in a few days. And I'm hoping that it's perfect because if it's not, Ima be pissed. And of course go back to analyzing every purchase.

Please say a prayer.

Brick House Responsible For New Baby. Car Dancing Issue

If you follow me on Twitter you know that I do a lot of car dancing.

I can't helps myself I tells ya!!

And sometimes it gets super sexy. Like when Brick House came on the other week..and I started going at it. How do I put this? Alright. I'll just come out with it. MY STEERING WHEEL IS PREGNANT!

It was totally unplanned so please...no gifts. We're not keeping it.

And this is the song that I hold responsible:

Half Wits On SCTV Cracked Me Up. John Candy And More!

I used to love SCTV. Here's a clip from SCTV. It's the show Half Wits. It's a bit long but hysterical. I always thought SCTV was better then the Early SNLs. There are a few good books on SCTV. I forget what they're called so just ask your librarian.

Now lets take a look at this clip. I just love the facial expressions on all of the contestants as they're trying to think of the answers.

And look at John Candy's hair and Joe Flaherty's nose. HAHAHAHA!!

Dummies.

Looking At People In Meetings More Than The General Population.

I was in a meeting earlier and as usual, I look at people throughout the course of the meeting.

Look at his socks. They're blue but he has black shoes on.

She's tired because she was at the shore.

Nice toenail polish.

His hair is weird.

Throughout the course of the meeting I do this. And I notice that some people hardly look around at all.

And it makes me think that I'm probably in the highest percentile of people that look around at other people - (number of looks per minute). Whether it's in a meeting, at a restaurant or wherever. It's not like I'm staring but I just need to take a quick glance. Then I move onto the next person. Or back to my pen. But if there's something interesting about the person I will "go back for seconds".

I wish I could see myself on videotape to see if I look like a total weirdo or if I look normal. Because I just look for a second. Maybe other people are doing the same thing but I don't think as much. Because I would catch them. You know...cause I'm always looking and everything.

Once in while though something weird will happen. I'll be at a restaurant or somewhere and I'll look at someone and they'll be looking at me. Then...I HAVE to look again to see if they're looking at me AGAIN*. And if they are, then I have to do everything in my power NOT to look at them even though I want to. I can do it for like five minutes then I'm about to burst so I take a quick peak. If they ARE looking again, then I get all paranoid. Unless I can convince myself that they were checking me out.

Does anyone else do this?

*this happened to me in 9th grade and I was looking at some huge football upperclassman and he finally yelled across the cafeteria, "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?". (I said "No")

Embarrassing Incident That Happened To Me At Chester County Hospital.

I may have posted this story before on TBY but maybe not so here goes. Grab a piece of rug and gather around Indian style as I tell you this tale*:

A few years ago I found a lump on my nut. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say "nut"? You do? Good. I see my doctor and he sends me to Chester County Hospital to get an ultra sound on...yup...my nut. I have to admit, I was nervous that they were going to find something wrong with me. But turns out it was nothing serious. Rest assured that I'm still perfect in that region.

So I go into the ultrasound room and the nurse comes in. And she's a total MILF. Brunette, pretty eyes, cute little body, hot nurses outfit and the faint smell of Chanel. OK, I made that last part up. But she was hot.

She explains what I'm supposed to do, "I'm going to leave the room, but I need you to undress. Then, I need you to lay on your back and place your penis on your stomach and cover it with this towel. I'll be back in a few minutes." And she hand motioned the whole thing with her forearm representing the penis an open hand representing the towel. Almost the way a flight attendant explains safety procedures. As if to try and put me in "clinical thinking" mode. Nice try.

So she leaves the room and I follow the instructions but I'm really nervous that I'm going to get a boner**. Because she's hot and she's going to be rubbing warm goo on my nuts. How cants ya??

So I cleverly position the towel in a way that creates a "wiener reservoir". You know, like I prop it up in a tent type fashion so that if the boner begins, the fabric of the towel will not move. The boner will simply grow into the reservoir area while she innocently rubs the ultrasound wand on me - in a slow rhythmic motion...the heat adding to the pulsating...Oh...sorry.

The nurse returns, the lights are lowered and she begins. I swear the only thing missing were some candles. She squeezes the warm ultrasound stuff on me and starts rubbing the wand on me. And it feels good. Really good.

Guys, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm just looking at her. Kind of dreamily. Then I'm like, "OK, I better not look at her". That might start "the reaction". So I close my eyes. And can I tell you it felt so good. It was so relaxing and sexy at the same time. Then, I must have started to daydream because, almost instinctively I gave a slow thrust. (That means my hips moved up. The first stage of "pumping" if you will).

Mid-thrust I realize what I did and I freeze. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?? I'm thinking maybe I can lower my thrusted hip really slowly, like over the course of a minute and she'll never know.

Who am I kidding? It was so fucking obvious. I tried again to convince myself that she didn't notice but then I just started getting embarrassed. I couldn't even look at her. The shame.

The procedure ends and she says, "That's about it. You can get dressed now." And she leaves the room. I get dressed and walk out. And I swear to God I'm not making this up. She standing there telling the nurses something, they're all laughing. As soon as they see me they go silent. Now I do tend to be paranoid but I really think she was telling them the story.

If anyone is is from Chester County Hospital and has heard this story please let me know. Thank you.

*I was reminded of this tale after @FrogCheeks (on Twitter) mentioned something about a hot nurse.
**An erection of the penis.

I Love This Little Girl Doing Her Daily Affirmation. Cute.

You've probably seen this little girl doing her self affirmation talk in the mirror but I just needed to post it here. I can't stop imitating it now.

And if you follow me on Twitter, you'll notice she looks like a miniature @JennRuss .

Some Random Food Things. Lazy Ass Meme Post. Oysters.

Here are some random food things about me because I can't think of anything to write.

- The smell of canned beets could make me puke. If you paid me I wouldn't eat them.

- I like the idea of oysters and I will eat them but after about six I start thinking about them and it grosses me out.

- I love stuffed olives. I could go for some cheese stuffed olives right now as a matter of fact.

- Every time I have calamari I think it tastes like rubber and I wonder what the fuss is about.

- My favorite cut of beef is the rib eye.

- I really need to make the Mac and Cheese recipe that BE Earl sent me. Except I might modify it by putting some bread crumbs on top.

- My mom doesn't strain the fat off of gravy. No wonder I always had stomach aches growing up.

- Until I was in 8th grade I only had pasta a few times. It was when my Mom wasn't there and my Dad had to cook. And I swear he used tomato paste instead of sauce because I remember the teensy tiny can.

- I love to make and eat twice baked potatoes.

- Shrimp doesn't taste as good as it used to. Even from places that say it wasn't frozen. It just doesn't have the flavor it used to have.

- My favorite sandwich is the Italian Style Pork Sandwich (with long hots and sharp provolone).

- I couldn't live with out garlic and onions.

- I love to look at product packaging.

- I love movie popcorn but can't find a really good microwavable popcorn. Know of any?

- I like hot foods but I hate when people make it so hot just to show off that they can eat it.

- I love Tabasco. I can't stand Frank's hot sauce but somehow there are 5 bottles in my cabinet. I'll probably use it for my deer repellent (mix with soap and spray on vegetable leaves.

What are some of your food things?

The Cat Empire Car Song And Seeing Videos.

Has anyone ever heard of "The Car Song" by The Cat Empire? It's one of the songs I listen to on my Ipod walks.

And I love this song but I really don't like the video. I hate when that happens. So you might want to listen to the song but not watch the video.