Who's The Birthday Boy That Looks Taller On August 26?...

It's August 26. Do you know who's birthday it is? Ernest Borgnine? Nope - guess again. Ramesses II? Not even close. Do you give up? OK I'll tell you. Chris Burke was born today. I know....... you can't MAKE this stuff up but it's true. He was the young lad that played the retarded fellow in the show Life Goes On. It's one of those shows like I Dream of Genie or the Munsters, that once you buy into the concept, you're hooked. Imagine. A retarded person, walking around. Uncaged. Strolling through town and bouncing a ball with one hand. I wish I were a fly on the wall when that show was being pitched.

According to Wikipedia Britannica, after graduating high school, Chris got a job as an elevator operator. I shit you not. Could you imagine? You're done your exhausting day, your boss was yelling at you, it's hot as hell and the elevator door opens. You step in.

Chris: Hi Dr. Zibbs same number floor as everyday or do you want me to push another number today?

Zibbs: (stone faced) No Chris. Same floor. Ground.

Chris: That's the "G". It's all numbers then it goes "G" for ground "B" for basement.

Zibbs: Yup.

Chris: (cleverly discovering concept on his own) I wish they had a "D" for Disneyland. Do YOU wish they had a "D" for Disneyland?

Zibbs: (half listening) Yup.

Chris: I asked Miss Kathy if I could write the "D" on the elevators' buttons but she said it's graffiti. But if I could, then we could go to Disneyland. Right Dr. Zibbs?

Zibbs: (starting to steam) Yeah Chris.

Chris: What rides would we go on if there was a "D" and we hit it?

Zibbs: Uhh. Ground.

Chris: No that's not a ride.

Zibbs: (patience lost) No that is a ride Chris.

Chris: Then it must be a new one because I was there one time. Is the ground ride near the Magic Kingdom or the Epcot Center or the Sea World?

Zibbs: It's in a whole new area of the park, I forget the name of it but why don't you use this elevator phone and dial "M". It's a direct hot line to Mickey. You can ask him.

Chris: Because Miss Kathy said to only use that phone if there's a fire.

Zibbs: No. I just saw her. She said she wanted me to tell you to call Mickey...And that there's a fire.

Chris: She did? OK.

Now this is where it gets complicated because you have two options, turn around and mouth the voice of Mickey as he talks OR have a friend rig up the phone so the friend can talk from a hidden room as Mickey. It's a tough call. With faking the voice while turning around, he's probably going to know it's you. If you rig the phone, you've got to buy all that radio shack shit and get into all of the zoning and safety issues.... Who knows, he may be of legal age but in retarded years he's not - so depending on what state you're in you need the parental permission forms....

Forget it. If you want to waste your day doing this, I'll give you the idea. For free. Run with it. While you work through those complicated logistics. I'm going to spend my valuable Chris Burke birthday time calling him up and pretending I'm a monster.