I’m always amazed at how little my two kids argue because when I was growing up I used to torture my siblings.
There were five of us. I have 2 older sisters and a younger sister and brother. One of my standard tortures was to dance in front of the TV. But I'd actually wait until a pivotal moment in the show. Then I would walk toward the TV slowly and pounce in front.
Let the dancing begin.
“Move!!” They’d yell.
“Yeah right. I haven’t performed this yet..” Then I’d break into my dancing. I usually found that I could annoy them the most if I had a shit ass grin on my face and zombie eyes. The dance would always start out as tap dancing, then I’d throw in a bit of ballet to mix things up. Once the “Get out of the way!” screams got louder and I knew that I had limited time I’d do my finale which was that tap dancing move where you do the thing where you look like your running (while leaning forward) while alternating your straight arms forward then back. (What’s that move called?)
The other finale move was the one where you swing your arms in wide circles while doing crazy tap dancing with your feet. I really should know the names of these moves since I've been performing them all these years.
Oh and I don’t want to forget my other famous dance. The Tissue Dance. This is another dance - all self taught mind you - that I created that uses tissues as props. It’s a ballet/interpretive dance where my body actually becomes one with the tissues.
It’s really hard to explain in words. I’ll just have to show you when I see you.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I don’t think I’ve ever been in a McDonald’s that has as a staff that even remotely resembles the McDonald’s you see on the commercials. I mean, at least the commercials these days have a diversified staff but they're still smiling. And look clean.
But the staffing has reached an all time low. At least at the West Chester (High Street) McDonald’s. I didn’t witness this first hand but my son told me and I can’t stop laughing about it. Get ready for this...
He said there’s an employee – an order taker – that’s about 17 or 18. He wears the standard McD’s uniform but his hat is turned sideways and his pants hang really low. You know, rapper style.
So my son approaches the counter and waits. The dude looks at him then ignores him. He looks back at my son and looks away again. He finally slowly struts over to my son - all pissed off - and softly and really annoyed mutters, “So what the fuck do you want?’
HAHAHA!! I swear I made my son imitate it like five times. "So what the fuck do you want?" I was going to go there to experience it myself but my son thinks he quit. Or was fired.
(And look at that scary Ronald in the picture).
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I wonder if some dude was ever having sex with a woman. And the husband came home.
And he's totally nude. Like TOTALLY. And he doesn't want the husband to see his junk so he covers it with his two hands. But the husbands comes at him to attack him and the guy has to fend him off so he just starts kicking him. (Remember, his hands are covering his junk).
And he's not karate style kicking him because the guy has no karate training. Sure, he's seen some Jackie Chan movies but it's not going to help in this situation. So he just kicks him the way an ostrich would kick. Like jumping up in the air and doing single kicks. A very goofy showing.
"Waaaa! Waaaa!" Screaming - almost birdlike as he kicks.
The husband isn't a great fighter so he's really just slap fighting the guy. Kinda sad if you think about it.
Then the guy - with one of his goofy ostrich-like kicks - steps into the bedroom trashcan. Yeah. I know. He runs down the hall squawking in his birdish screams and limping with the trashcan caught on his foot.
The husbands pursues him with a golf club.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
“What are Dr Zibb’s thoughts on food?” is a constant question I get when I open letters from the TBY mailbag. Well I’ve made a list for you below.
Print out the list and tape it to your fridge. Memorize it over the next few weeks in case I decide to pop in for a meal.
I’ll probably appear at your kitchen window when you’re doing the dishes. But not in a friendly way like on a sitcom. I’ll make a more memorable showing by waiting until it’s dark, and you’ll look out thinking, “Is…is there something out there?” It’ll be hard to see because of the way the lights in your kitchen make it hard to see outside. When you cautiously put your face on the window I’ll suddenly push my face and the knife I’m wielding to the window while banging on it and scream, “I’M GOING TO KILL YOUUUU!!”
Once you change your underwear, let me into your home and prepare me some of my favorite foods. Here’s the list:
Unusual food I’ve eaten: foie gras, alligator and boar.
Foods I hate: beets, brussel sprouts. But I wish I liked brussel sprouts.
Favorite Sandwiches: Roast Pork from Dinics (Philly) and Luigi and Giovanni’s (Newtown Square, PA), hot roast beef sandwich from Nick’s original roast beef (Philly and Springfield, PA), Corn Beef or Pastrami sandwich from 2nd Avenue Deli (NYC)
Some more foods I love: Gumbo, mac and cheese with lobster, Eggs Benedict, gulf shrimp but it has to be super fresh. Why is it so hard to find great shrimp anymore?
Favorite cut of meat: Rib Eye.
Foods I like but then as I’m eating it sometimes I think, “Do I really like this?”: Oysters and asparagus.
Favorite dessert: Anything with chocolate and peanut butter. Like a choc and PB pie.
Best Meal I’ve ever had: (Believe it or not it was local) Blackened Tuna with crawfish au gratin on top at the High Street Café. It was a special but I used to call after that and get it as takeout.
Foods that I wish I could find in Chester County but can’t: Great Pizza, Great Bagels.
Snacky foods I love: Cashews and feta stuffed olives. And baked brie.
Food I want to learn more about. And by learn I mean eat: Cheeses and cured meats.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Let's face it. Blogging isn't what it used to be. What I mean is that the interaction with people is not what it used to me. Twitter is really where it's at for that.
And back in the day I used to promote blogs if I really liked them. Long time readers know this.
Well guess what? My favorite person on Twitter that cracks me up daily just started a blog. I kind of encouraged her to do it. I've done that to a few people that I think are really funny or interesting.
Her name is Trina. You may know her from this blog post the other week. Or this blog post about the Phantom of the Opera mask.
Well, the bottom line is that she cracks me up everyday. So follow her blog and tell her Zibbs sent you. Her blog is: trinalikeswine.blogspot.com . Go ahead. Give it a click!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
During a long walk this morning I listened to the ACDC albums Back In Black and Dirty Deeds.
Well the one lyric in Dirty Deeds always bothered me. Here it is:
You got a lady and you want her gone
But you ain't got the guts
She keeps naggin' at you night 'n' day
Enough to drive you nuts
Pick up the phone, leave her alone
It's time you made a stand
For a fee, I'm happy to be
Your back door man
So is he saying that he's going to come and have anal sex with her or is a backdoor man also a hitman? I looked online for three minutes and found no reference to a backdoor man being a hitman. And why doesn't he just dump her? I don't get it.
Here's a live version of the song:
Friday, December 10, 2010
OK. This video is so bad but I would so grind to you on this Earth, Wind and Fire classic.
Come on. Get up and pretend we're dancing...that's it. Shake it! There you go.
You're doing it! ...OK. Good. Get up against the couch in a submissive position...Mmm Hmm. That's it.. Here I come. *I come grooving in from the side*
- end scene -
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Breaking News! Roller Derby is coming to the Chester County at the Caln Roller Rink.
Tis true. Take a look at the link here.
Scholars of this blog know that as a young skater I've been to the Caln Roller Rink but I was a Spinning Wheels Roller Rink man myself. Click here to see a post I wrote about it. See?.. I ain't lyin'.
And I'm extra excited because I know a few local gals that are actually trying out for the team. I'm going to see if I can get some exclusive inside info on the progress and some pictures.
Maybe I can convince WCLinda to try out. Hmmmmm.
There's also a Facebook page but I'm not going to link to it because I'm afraid the link will lead to my Facebook page. So find it yourself.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
One of my roommates in college was an idiot. I come into the room one day and he’s like, “Can I show you something?”
I’m like, “Yeah OK.” I could tell he was excited.
He walks over to his desk and comes back with a folder. “I’ve got an idea for an invention.”
I’m kind of thinking, “Oh no. This is gonna suck.”
The pitch begins. “So do you know how toothpicks are just plain. Like just wooden? They’re just small, boring sticks really. But what if you had this?” He pulls out a piece paper with a colorful toothpick drawn. Kind of like a candy cane. But tooth picky. “Flavored toothpicks!”
He proceeds to show me his various designs. He even had measurements drawn out. As if people don’t know how big a toothpick is. He’s all excited. And I’m thinking, “This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” He then goes onto show me a list of manufacturers that he’s planning on contacting. *thought bubble over my head: please record the calls. Please record the calls.*
I’m like, “Not to put you down Dave but I’ve worked at restaurants and they buy toothpicks and matches….all that stuff in bulk. I bet a restaurant orders toothpicks once every five years. And they probably order them from a place that supplies them with tons of other crap, like matches, straws..you know.”
“Yeah but they’re not FLAVORED toothpicks.”
“To tell you the truth, I don’t think anyone cares. Think about it. It’s kind of dumb.”
“Yeah? You don’t know!” He puts his papers back into his invention folder and storms away. It was never mentioned again.
And NO, he’s not a toothpick tycoon now. I guess I killed the dream.
Monday, December 6, 2010
If you follow me on Twitter you probably know one of my best blog friends is @TrinaLikesWine . Se cracks me up everyday and we also DM and email and just laugh. (And she's hot too. Just so you know).
Well if you're a reader of this blog you know that I love practical jokes. Many of the classics I've performed over the years are in here. Well here is a great one that Trina did a few years ago. I give you... the first ever THAT BLUE YAK guest blogger post and a great practical joke:
Ever had a coworker who annoyed you to your core? One who disrupted the unspoken office rule of "Don't talk to me until I've had my first cup of coffee"...The guy or gal who thrived on exerting their non existent knowledge on everything. Gossipers, Corporate conspiracy theorists, Blowhards...you get the picture. I worked with just that type of guy. His name was Derek.
Derek was the expert on everything. He had no kids of his own, but would let my female workers know what he'd do in the arena of discipline. Cooking? He knew of a secret recipe that would blow yours out of the water. He wasn't trained for Information Technology but was convinced he could develop an application for our group to utilize. 40 hours of testing later his program was scrapped…too many so called, “Glitches” for Derek to correct.
One skillset Derek did possess was the art of sucking up to management. Inflate a manager’s ego and you’re set.
My coworkers and I were tired of Derek but could never come up with a good way to get him to shut up and sit down. Among the things I knew about Derek was his passion for the lottery...He was forever trying to get an office lottery pool going, but would often go out on his own and purchase the tickets on his lunch break. He'd then keep the tickets in his desk as though he slept the night before like a kid on Christmas Eve. I could picture him thinking he'd strut into the office, open his desk drawer and exclaim, "OH MY GOD! IT CAN'T BE! I'M RICH!" as though money would make up for all his inadequacies combined.
In his mind, getting rich quick meant all the office females would flock to him in droves. He'd then have the pleasure of puffing his chest and announcing he would be moving on to greener pastures with his posse of beauties..
One morning, as I sipped my first cup of coffee, Derek came over and plopped his sloppily dressed ass into my guest chair. He leaned in, lowered his voice and looked around as though he was about to reveal state secrets. "Do you play the lottery?" he asked. Beyond uninterested and annoyed at his violation of the cardinal "1st Cup of Coffee" rule, I didn't disguise my disinterest..."No.." I replied, "Do you really think anyone wins that stuff? I don't bother." Unfazed by my blatant disdain for his presence he continued, "Well, I don't know if you've heard, but the jack pot is close to 2 million bucks..." As though my nonexistent chances of winning a hot 2 mill would excite me. "Wanna start an office pool?" he asked. "I don't think many would be interested Derek...How about you go for it?”, I muttered sarcastically and turned away towards my computer. As Derek walked away I had an epiphany....
The winning lotto numbers were announced the following evening on TV. I endured the torture of having to watch as the highly excitable host and blonde lotto beauty delicately opened the vacuum tube to allow the lotto balls to load. Pen and paper in hand I took note of the winning numbers. I woke extra early the following morning and bought a lottery ticket emblazoned with the winning numbers. I snuck into the office early and placed the ‘winning ticket’ among his purchased lotto tickets.
About half an hour later, Derek came into the office. We were all in cubes so I could him performing his usual morning tasks before coming to annoy me. He hung his coat, logged into his computer (“So there was a record of getting into the office early”, he once told me), and proceeded to open his desk drawer. Not long after, one of my coworker friends came over.
I could tell by the expression on her face that something was brewing, but kept my composure. “Trina, has Derek come over to you yet?” she asked. “No”, I replied calmly, “Actually it’s been nice having a quiet morning, why?” She proceeded to tell me that Derek had gone over to her desk with the lottery ticket and asked her to double check the numbers as he was in complete disbelief.
Since she was my friend, I proceeded to tell her of my master plan. I made her swear to not say anything and to tell Derek to bring the ticket to me to double check…You know, as a third set of eyes…She agreed and not long after, Derek appeared in my doorway with a shit eating grin on his face.
His skin under his exposed carpet of chest hair was red and mottled, not unlike a schmeer of raspberry jam. His face was flushed and his hands were fidgety. I disliked this cat so much that I had no trouble keeping my composure. “What’s going on ‘D’?” I asked, as though he was a pal of mine.
He sat in my guest chair, dabbed his exposed forehead with his hanky and said, “I think I hit it…” I put on a look of confusion, “Hit what? Oh god, is your car ok?” He nearly jumped out of my chair, “No! NO! The LOTTO!” I can’t believe what I’m reading! Can you double check these numbers?” He had a print out of the previous night’s numbers and gingerly handed me the ticket as though it was made of glass. I took both, pretended to intently study each number, then looked again, and again…I feigned a huge wide-eyed look…”Jesus, this can’t be right! Have you called the commission?” He got a little more excited after my quality number check. “No, I’ve never won! Is that what I do?” “I don’t know man, but maybe in a bit give them a call. This is unbelievable”.
Then I fed into his euphoria by asking whether he’d continue working or enjoy the spoils of his big win. At this point I was afraid he’d go tell management to go screw themselves so I finally said as I glanced at his one way ticket to faux paradise, “You know? I do see one discrepancy.” He leaned in and read over my shoulder. “No, Trina the numbers match. Exactly, see?” “Yeah,” I replied, “but look, it’s today’s date.
Gotcha!” I didn’t gloat, didn’t laugh, but instead spun in my chair and continued my work. Needless to say, I didn’t see Derek in my visitor chair for a very, very long time. Coffee never tasted so sweet….