Here are various notes from the 8th grade chorus concert I had to attend last night. My daughter is in the chorus:
- I sat in the back so I was able to spend my time watching people. Like a bird. On it’s perch. Watching. I’ve discovered if I’m bored to tears but able to watch people I can make things bearable.
- When all the kids walked to the stage I saw my daughter’s friend. She’s pretty funny. I gave her the nonverbal look like a was surprised. Like, “What? What are you doing here? This is preposterous!” She tilted her head sideways, nodded and winked and gave me the “gun shoot” pointed finger. Cracked me up.
- The kid I saw last year with the magnificent jew-fro was singing again. He’s so big. He looks like he could play college football and then he tops off his huge frame with this big ass fro. And to make it better, there was a teensy tiny kid standing in front of him with what looked liked a glued on fake hairpiece. The juxtaposition was glorious. (Look at me using big words).
- The chorus director dude was totally overdoing it with his hand conducting moves. Couldn’t tell if he really thought what he was doing was helping the kids to sing or if he was showboating.
- Some Indian lady sat next to me and reeked of perfume. Is that really necessary? I swear I could taste it.
- I cracked myself up by imagining that right as they were finishing singing the Beatles song, “Here Comes The Sun” if I had a speaker rigged up then from off stage in a super baritone voice I sung, “HERE COMES THE SUN….YEAHHH!” And everyone would be looking around like, “What the hell?” Some parents would have shocked looks on their faces and shaking their heads and saying, “Who would DO that? They ruined it! The whole thing is ruined now! We even brought Nana here. And she's SICK!”
Then the rest of the concert I was thinking of things that I could at the end of every song to ruin it. Like I'd come swinging in from the side and sing the last line. Or pull off a fake rubber mask like I was one of the kids after a song ended. Then run away.
Janitors would be instructed to catch me. They'd fail.
Would be a big ole' scandal. Probably one of those stories that gets passed down to new kids every year. Oh and the cover up? Don't even start.
Man. I should have done it.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
So here’s the conversation I heard the other day between two guys. It looks like both were contractors. The younger one was about 25 and the older one was about 40.
Older Guy: So how’s the wedding stuff going?
Young Guy: Well we got into dis big ass fight. I told her: "I AM NOT WEARING DRESS SHOES TO DA WEDDING!"
Older Guy: Really?
Young Guy: No. I told her, “I hate dress shoes. I hate da way dey look. I hate da way dey feel and I’m not wearing em'. I’m wearing sneakers.” Dat's my ONE thing.
Older Guy: What did she say?
Young Guy: She didn’t believe me. Den dis morning she says, “Don’t forget that we see da video guy tonight.” I was like, “I’m on strike. Until you know dat I’m not wearing dress shoes I’m on strike.” (All proud and shit): I. AM. ON. STRIKE!
Oh come on now! What idiot wears sneakers with a tux? Can you imagine what type of fool this guy is going to look like?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Man is this song F U by Cee Lo Green catchy. And it's a great video too. Does anyone else love it?
Go ahead. Watch it and let me know what you think.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
My Dad is the type of guy that doesn’t take shit from anyone. Like if you’re standing in a long line at a store and there’s only one register open, and everyone is looking at each other like, “this is ridiculous”… he’s the type that walks to the front of the line and says, “Excuse me. But I’ve standing in line for five minutes. I’m going to need you to stop what you’re doing, call your manager and get another person on a register.”
And everyone is all, "I wish I had the balls to do that." Or if someone butts in line? Yeah right buddy. My Dad is the one that will tell you to get to the back.
So flashback to when my brother was in 5th grade. My brother buys a Jimi Hendrix book. So my Dad is flipping through the book and sees a plaster cast of Jimi Hendrix’s junk in it. He’s like, “What the hell is this? You’re not going to have this book!” To my brother. “You’re going to bring it back.”
“But I don’t have a receipt.”
“Then I’LL bring it back!
“Dad, they won’t take it back without a receipt.”
“Oh they’ll take it back alright.”. My Dad takes the book and drives to the record store. Sam Goody I believe it was. Exton Mall.
Dad gets into the store and says to cashier, “I’d like to return this book but I don’t have a receipt.”
“Sorry sir, I can’t exchange it if you don’t have a receipt.” The lady says.
“Do you have kids?”
“Well let me ask you this: turn to page 112. Would you want your 5th grader looking at that?
The woman looks at the picture, turns beat red and opens the register.
*Author's note: This is what my Dad called, "Putting on the gorilla suit ."
Friday, January 7, 2011
Of all the art that shows a rhino getting kicked in the nuts by a dude on guitar with a big ass explosion in the back.... this one has to be my favorite.
Behold it's glory!
Thanks to my Twitter friend @Amk195 for bringing it to my attention. Life now has meaning.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I’m a giver of nicknames. And nicknames that have stuck. Even if the person doesn’t know they’ve got a nickname. Here are a few nicknames and their meaning:
Flare – for my friend that would get pissed off all the time and his nostrils would Flare.
Glamour Boy – For my friend. At senior week he was trying to impress a girl so he got up earlier to go jogging with her. He was wearing a red shirt and red shorts and he had chapstick on his lips that made them look shiny. I’m like, “Look at you. You’re like a Glamour Boy.”
Compressor Head – this chick in college that looked like her face was smooshed in a vice-like compressor machine.
Steam Box – This dude in college that was so skinny and scrawny that he looked like a guy in the cartoons that used to be really fat but then goes into one of those steam boxes that they had at gyms in the 30’s. He stays in too long and becomes super skinny.
Llamma – a friend of mine that I thought looked like a llama because he had a long neck. And whenever I would say llama I would follow it by saying, “The priiiiiide of Peru.”
Grandpa – My friend Steve (comments on this blog under CrotchPains) because I think he used to dress like a Grandpa.
I swear there are a hundred more. If I were near my yearbooks I could rattle some more off but I’m not.
But on another nickname related note there was a kid in Junior High that gave himself the nickname ‘Wizard”. Pretty lame when you do that. We knew that because he had a jean jacket and drawn in pen on the back was the picture of a wizard hat and it said, “Wizard.” Or maybe it was the whole body of a wizard. I forget.
He thought he was badass but he wasn’t.
My friend Flare taunted him all the way through high school when his wizard stage was supposed to be long gone. He’d see him in the hall and say, “Hey everyone. It’s Wizard! Are you gonna cast any spells wizard.”
Wizard would just look at Flare and flip him the bird.
Moral: Never nickname yourself Wizard.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
If you follow me on Twitter you know that I enjoy the manly habit of taking baths. Here’s my ritual:
Boil two large pots of water. This way, the bath starts out super hot and you don’t run out of hot water as you drain the warm and add more hot water during the bathing event.
Put a beer in the freezer for about 20 minutes. This will ensure that it stays cold as it sits on the side of the tub. Make a bourbon or scotch using as much cracked ice as will fit in a glass.
Prepare some snacks. Sometimes I’ll make a small plate of cheese, almonds and hot pepper slices. I bring a toothpick in so I can stab the cheese and pepper slices. But make sure to eat the cheese first because it will start to melt from the steam in your bathroom.
Get reading material. I like to get a book and a few magazines. It’s nice to have choices.
Pen and paper. In case I “think of anything I need to write down.” Like a tweet or a blog post idea. Or an invention.
Droid. IMPORTANT: Do NOT hold over the tub. I dropped mine in the first week I had it and ruined it. You will need the droid so you don’t miss any important mentions of you on Twitter.
As I stated at the beginning, as the water goes from hot to warm, drain a bit of the water out and add more hot water. Swirl it around.
Things that are NOT part of my bath ritual: Lighting candles. Wrapping my hair up in a towel. Using bath beads. Although I did receive “lavender bath salts” for Xmas as a gift but I’m not sure I’ll use them because my Twitter friend @MrsMushiMushi told me a guy friend of hers used them and they somehow “burned his nuts.” Although she did go on to say that he only had one nut so maybe he already had some issues. In the nut area.