Chester County Man Wonders if Others Have Had The Snickers Ice Cream Cone.

Hmmmm. I wonder if any of you guys have had the Snickers Ice Cream Cone?

*wavy dream sequence starts as we all run through a field eating delicious Snickers Ice Cream Cones*

I really don't eat that much ice cream. We haven't had it in my home freezer in a few months but some showed up the other week so I had a few bowls. On separate sittings. What? Do you think I'm a pig or something?

I've found when I eat BBQ food I sometimes crave ice cream. Isn't that weird? Anyone else experience that?

So the other week I was getting a craving and I stopped by my local WAWA and picked up a Snickers Ice Cream Cone. A bit pricey at $2.19 but I'm worth it. And it's not gourmet or anything but it's pretty good. With all of the textures.

But look out. In the center there's a sliver of chocolate that's pretty hard. I could see someone chipping a tooth. Just warning you.

And on other ice cream related news I've had a few DQ hot fudge sundaes this year. Hey, I don;t care.

I will now take ice cream recommendations. And I will write a review of one of them.

So you got that.

This Sounds Like A Fake Story But It's Not! Ohh I Get No Respect. Rodney Dangerfield

Do you know those stories that someone tells you and you think, “That didn’t happen?” Like it’s always a friend of a friend? Well here’s one that sounds incredible but it DID happen because I confirmed it with the actual person. Here we go…..

This dude Norm was on a first date with a girl. He was kind of nervous. So they go to her house and there was some type of family event going on. So as he’s there he’s being introduced to various people. At one point the girl says, “Norm this is my sister Mary.”

Norm turns around and the girl approaches him. She’s shaking a bit and in an odd voice says, “Hi Norm I’m Mary.”

He starts cracking up and says, “OH MY GOD THAT’S GREAT!! PULL THE TIE!! PULL THE TIE!!

It turns out he thought she was doing an impression of Rodney Dangerfield but she actually had Cerebral Palsy.

I SHIT YOU NOT!

And another time Norm was running late for a funeral in high school and his Mom was like, “Hurry up Norm!” then looked at the front of his suit pants and says, “What’s all over your pants??”

Turns out Norm had dry humped some chick at a wedding the week before and…well..you know.

And DAT is DAT!

(and that picture is the Facts of Life chick that had Cerebral Palsy. What's her name again? Jerry something?...)

West Chester Man Declare's Nick's Roast Beef Sandwich In Springfield DEEELISH!

Sweet Jesus, son of Mary, Son of God, closely related to the Holy Ghost do I LOVE the roast beef sandwich at Old Original Nick's Roast Beef in Springfield, PA.

Just look at it. Oh my God it's so good. I've been there a bunch of times but went last week and took these amazing photos. I wish there was a place in Chester County that served hand cut roast beef like this on a great roll and topped with gravy. And prove and horseradish.

The closest thing is the Blarney Stone but they use deli meat. It's not even close.

I tried to duplicate it at home a few months ago but found out later that they cover the beef in fat before roasting it. AND they puree vegetable into the gravy.

Oh. And when I was there, I was wearing a white dress shirt and some lady kept looking at me and then finally said, "I hope you don't get any gravy on that nice white shirt." Uh. OK

Also I learned that blue collar Irish people talk REALLY loudly. Seriously, keep your voices down.

Anyways, it's a tasty ass sandwich. To read a detailed review from a local blogger that I know click here.

West Chester Dancer Confesses Dance Thing Concerning Lawrence Welk

Um. OK. I've got something to tell everyone.

If you're a reader of my blog you know that I love to dance. And I talk about my skills. Or "Skilz" as many negro wannbees call it.

But sometimes you see a man like Billy Burgess and you...and you basically feel like a fool. Because you wonder if you can ever get to this higher dance level that this Lawrence Welk dancer has gotten to.

Basically he's light years away from me in technique and soul. And soul CAN'T be taught. I'm told. I thought I had it but I think now I may not have it. Whatever IT may be.

This should explain what I'm talking about:

West Chester Man Considers Using Mr Furley For Fashion Redesign. Fashion.

So I've been thinking about looking at Mr Furley (Don Knotts) from Three's Company as a starting point for updating my wardrobe. I mean not like TOTALLY taking his look but just taking the cool parts and bringing it into the 2011 zone.

Do you know what I mean?

What?

No! Not like like his TOTAL look. I KNOW that looks dumb! I'm talking about taking the essence and updating it. Do you you know what I mean?

No? Well I'm going to like take the scarf and I'll..It's hard to explain. Like the big assed demin collars I have this idea to...

Oh forget it! FUCK YOU!!

The Dude That Makes My Pork Sandwich Is A Dick.

So some Sundays I drive and get this tasty ass pork sandwich. And the dude that makes the pork sandwich has a major attitude.Like he’s pissed that he has to make it for me. I should be pissed at HIM. Jerk. I’ve learned the basic questions that he asks so I order in the way to answer the questions he asks EVERYTIME but he still doesn’t listen.

Here’s how it goes:

Miserable Sandwich Maker: So what do you want? (as if I’m taking up his time)

Me: One pork sandwich with cheese and hot peppers.

Miserable Sandwich Maker: Just one?

Me: Just one.

(Then he starts to make it. In slow motion. If he sees something that interests him he stops preparing the sandwich and looks off in the distance at the thing that interests him. Then he slowly goes back to making it).

Miserable Sandwich Maker: You want hot peppers on this?

Me: Yes (even though I already told him)

Then, when he’s done he shoves that bag in my face and with attitude and without making contact says, “Here you go Pal.”

So do you know what I do? When I go in and pay it goes like this:

Cashier: Yes what’s in the bag?

Me: A pork sandwich.

Cashier: With cheese?

Me: No.*

Sticking it. To. The. Man.

Now I know I’m only ripping them off for 80 cents but that more than makes up for the dude being a dick. Don’t you think?

Except I thought I was going to get busted last week because he asked me if I wanted cheese (after I already stated I did) and he went inside. A few minutes earlier he told me to go pay for it while he was making the sandwich. I already told the cashier I didn’t have cheese so I started to panic. Like he was on to me and was going in to check if I stated that I wanted cheese. Then maybe call the fuzz.

But he came back out. Turns out he had just ran out of cheese and was getting more.

If he called me on it I was gonna act all groggy and confused and say, “Cheese? What? Oh sorry. I didn’t know what she was asking.”

Phew!

* Sometimes I feel like getting cocky when they ask if I have cheese and in a loud, bellowing voice say, “Do I have cheese on this sandwich? Not me. Nope. Just pork and long hot peppers. Just those two ingredients. You see… I don’t care too much for cheese mind ya’. Watching the ole’ waist line if you know what I mean. So no. The answer to that question concerning the addition of cheese is absolutely not. I do NOT have cheese on this sandwich. Now please tally up my pork and pepper sandwich so we can settle this transaction and I can be on my merry - cheese free - way.

Are Drinking Straws Really Necessary? Looks Kinda Gay If You Ask Me.

If you think about it, it's pretty strange that when you go to a restaurant and they give you a water or a soda that they also give you a straw. You don't use a straw at home but when they put them in front of you most people open them and use them.

Not me though. Maybe because when I was 18 I was drinking out of one and my brother-in-law said, "You look pretty gay drinking out of that straw." Then he imitated me. And if you think about it, most dudes look pretty fem drinking out of straws. I never saw Clint Eastwood drinking from a straw. It's OK for you ladies but if you're a dude? I suggest you just get whatever's in that glass the old fashioned way.

Of course the exception is a Slurpee. And sometimes a milkshake.

And why aren't crazy straws as popular as they used to be?

Oh, and those cocktail straws? I don't think they were ever meant for a person to sip out of. Right? They're more for stirring.

And why do a feel like this stupid post is something that Andy Rooney would write?

Hey Mr Crotchpains Do You Have Two Nuts? Sesame Street.

If you didn't know, TBY commentor Mr Crotchpains and I went to college together. He used to sing this Sesame Street song about having two eyes and other "two" things. I have no idea how it popped into my head.

Remember it?

West Chester Man Reveals His Lunch Box. Yellow Submarine.

As promised two posts back I will now reveal my first grade lunch box. It was....The Beatles Yellow Submarine!

Well. Kind of.

For some reason - instead of my Mom letting me pick out a lunch box - she asked my Dad to pick one up. I have no idea what she was thinking. I remember him saying, "Jimmy I bought you a lunch box for the first day of school."

And I ran over. All excited. Until I saw it. It was a lunch box for the TV Show "The F.B.I.". Huh??? I don't even remember this show NOW. And I'm a TV head. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it was on the air from 1965 - 1974. Anyway, for me it was a boring ass lunch box. The graphics on the lunch box were basically a bunch of guys wearing suits. Hey Dad, wasn't "The CBS News with Walter Cronkite available?"

But what was worse is that I opened it up and the thermos was a Yellow Submarine thermos. IT DIDN'T EVEN MATCH THE LUNCH BOX! I remember saying, "I can't use this! It doesn't match!"

Then I remember:

Mom: (to Dad) Jim why didn't you check to see if the thermos matched?

Dad: Sally it was the last one there!

If you know my Dad, it was probably sitting on a shelf near canned goods because someone noticed that the lunch box didn't match the thermos and they just left it there. Then my Dad walked in the store, saw it next to a stack of canned beans and thought, "Well, good thing I got the last one." And picked it up and walked to check out.

So I was stuck with it. For the next two years I would pull all of my lunch out and close the lunch box. Then when nobody was looking I would open it really quickly and pour my drink into the plastic thermos cup and shove the thermos back in. Phew! Nobody saw me.

I think in third grade I moved on to carrying my lunch in a paper bag. Or a "lunch sack" as my hillbilly readers probably call it.

And I really wish I still had the Yellow Submarine thermos. I looked on Ebay a few years ago and they were selling for $250. Doh!

Dude Falls In Mud On Struble Trail In Downingtown. Biking Accident.

Dear Man that fell off his bike and into the mud a few weeks ago on the Struble Trail in Downingtown,

Hello dear sir. I'm the guy that watched as you tried to turn your bike and the tire clipped the side of the pavement and you went flying off of your bike and into the ditch of mud on the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few weeks ago.

To tell you the truth it was one of the funniest things I've seen in months. And I did ask "Are you OK?" And you said, "Only my pride." (which really isn't the correct answer. That would have been OK if I had asked, "Is anything hurt?" but whatever. You were stuck in a ditch with a bike on top of you and covered with mud).

But seriously. As you tried to make the U-turn and you were all wobbly? I was looking at how there's a 12" drop from the pavement and the grass and I KNEW you were going down. I KNEW it! Did it seem like slow motion to you too??

And what were you doing out so early? Do you have insomnia like me? There was nobody else in sight. Or did you take the bike out because you haven't ridden one in 30 years and you wanted to make sure you'd be able to navigate it. Which you did not. Like your wife probably warned you about.

But no...There was probably a big ole' fight. You probably said, "Helen I know how to ride a bike! You never forget!"

And Helen probably said, "Gene you're going to crash! Why don't you take some cones out to a safe, wide open parking lot and practice?"

But you didn't listen. I bet the guy at the bike shop even gave you a safety pamphlet and you rolled your eyes thinking he was an idiot. You were too excited to get on your shiny new bike weren't you? Little did you know...

Oh and Gene? The best part is when I walked past you and then looked back and you tried to get up and then you collapsed back into the mud. I saw that. It was like you gathered all the strength you had..got your body up a bit and then the old body said, "I can't do it."

I swear I was DYING to take a picture!! Well one good thing though is that you didn't roll further down the hill. So you got that I guess.

But seriously, if you're Googling "Biker Falls in Mud On Struble Trail" and find this post kindly let me know what your wife said when you got home. Did you walk in and start with, "HELEN DO NOT SAY A WORD!"

I bet you did.

*That's really the worst picture. This dude was COVERED with mud. And it really doesn't show the incline too well either.

Japanese Thing That Is Cute. Sexy Dancing Commercial.

You gotta admit. This is pretty friggin' cute. Except I don't know why there's only one Japanese girl and the other two are honkies.

What Was In Your Lunch Bag At School? Hit The Road Little Debbie.

What was in your lunchbag at school? Or were you a "buyer?"

My lunch bag consisted of three things from 1st to 12th grade:

1) Sandwhich - peanut butter and jelly, ham and cheese or turkey and cheese. White bread only thank you.

2) Salty treat - either chips or doritos.

3) Dessert: Some cupcakey thing. Like a Tastykake or Ring Ding. We weren't Twinkie people so never got one of those. And my Mom tried to sneak in Little Debbie's once and a while. You know my thought on those.

And I need to check with Mommy but I think she made my lunch all the way up through 12th grade. I forget.

Things could have been worse. I could have been given an egg salad sandwich like Lambert. Wrapped in clear plastic wrap. As opposed to the normal platic lunch bag. Why in God's name would Lambert's mom give him a stinky ass egg salad sandwich? It stunk! She probably didn't love him.

Or those people that were sent fruit in tupperware. Nooooo thanks! Or Hopton (dude had 7 and a half toes) that had to fold up his brown paper bag and bring it home because his mom was a penny pincher. Seriously, how much money are you saving a year from using 13 less brown paper bags? The dude always had a wrinkly ass bag. Shameful.

Then of course it could have been better. I kind of envied the people that got these:

Busted At Work For Doing Nothing. I Swear. Compact Mirrors.

Yeah so I'm at work and I asked one of my female coworkers if they had a mirror because I had this tiny area of dry skin on my face earlier and wanted to see if it was still there. She hands me a one of those compacts and says, "You can keep it."

And I put it in my desk drawer. So then the other day I had an everything bagel and I take out the compact and look in it to see if I had any poppy seed (the A-hole of all seeds) in my teeth and just then this chick walks by and looked over at me.

And with the look she gave me I'm like, "Oh no! She thinks I was powerdering my nose because I was using a compact!"

I'm sure she went and told everyone that I wear makeup. Fuckin' bitch!

I was going to track her down and tell her but then thought it would be weird if I brought the subject up, "Listen. Just so you know - I...I DON'T wear makeup. I'm a dude. Not a chick. So uh....are we clear with that?"

Maybe I should just drop it. Well..I guess I COULD have her killed..Naaa. I'll just drop it.

Dogs I Like. Dogs I Hate. From The Bedlington Terrier To The Mastiff.

Dogs I would never own:

Lhasa Apso (Yeah right. And I’m going to start wearing dresses)
Schnauzer (I’ve never met one I’ve liked. Always out of control)
Maltese
Dalmatian (one of the dumbest dogs)
Bichon Frise (gayer than poodles)
Chinese Crested (remind me of dirty rats with skin conditions)
Bedlington Terrier (Have you ever seen these freaks?? I mean come on now! Look at it. How do you walk down the street with this thing?):


Dogs I WOULD get:

Airedale
Akita (One of my neighbor’s used to own two. Very loyal)
Australian Shepherd (cool medium sized smart dogs)
Brittany Spaniel
German Shepherd
German Shorthaired Pointer
Golden Retriever
Labrador Retriever (Had one that died. Bingo. Best dog ever)

Honorable mentions:

Boxer (too drooly)
Doberman (only if I could find one that I could trust)
Irish Terrier (maybe)
English Mastiff (don’t live long enough and too big but my brother has one that I like*)
Newfoundland (too big)
Rhodesian Ridgeback (would need to learn a bit more about them first)
Bernese Mountain Dog (too big)

* the photo above is my brother’s dog. The picture was taken when she was about 9 months old.

West Chester Man Smuggles Popcorn Into East Whiteland Theater.

Well I'll tell you one thing. I love going to the movies but I HATE paying their ripoff prices for food. I know, I know, that's how they make their money. But tough luck. I'm not going to pay $7 for a popcorn and then $6 dollars for a soda. Especially the soda because I only take a few sips of it anyway.

So I usually smuggle a water in but lately I've been smuggling popcorn in. And I was super paranoid the last time I smuggled it in. I had it a sweatshirt wrapped around it and had it under my arm.

And it was super obvious that something was being hidden. And I just head it under my arm. As if I sweatshirt is THAT bulky.

And I had just made the popcorn seconds before I left the house so I think I was reeking of popcorn. I was imagining the steam coming out of the top of the sweatshirt. AND it was a different kind of popcorn that I usually get and it had this cellophane that was loud as hell. So every time I moved slightly you would hear: Crinkle. Crinkle. Crinkle.

Then in my head I was thinking about what I should do if they said, "Sir what is under your sweatshirt?" The options I was mulling over were:

1) "What? Nothing." (But then I was thinking they'd probably follow me into the theater and wait till I undid the sweatshirt.

2) "What? Under my sweatshirt? This thing that is as big as a football? Hmmm? (Opens up sweatshirt and acts surprised) What the? How did...how did this bag of popcorn get in stuck to my...? Well THAT'S weird."

3) Run.

Well I didn't get caught so I didn't have to do anything. Oh. And my new tradition is also bringing in peanut M&M's. Then I alternate popcorn bite...M&M bite. Salty and sweet.

Try And Watch This Without Laughing. Dentist. Pink Panther.

Look what's on TV now! The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Here's a clip from the funniest scene where he's on laughing gas. I remember seeing this as a kid and cracking up.

West Chester Man Tells All Who Will Listen What He Ate Today So Far.

I really should be like 280 pounds*. I don't know why I'm not because I eat so much junk.

I think I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. Here's what I've consumed today (by 12:30):

Tastykake Krimets (breakfast)
2 tic tacs
Large sticky bun (someone brought to work)
Cheesesteak with extra cheese
Snickers ice cream bar (large)
9 glasses of water (not all at one time)

I was thinking about writing down what I consume for a week then reconsidered. Mostly because I might see the amount of booze I drink and be all, "Huh??" But maybe not since I only drink about three or four days out of the week lately.

Maybe I'm not a fatty because I exercise a lot. And I also don't eat huge portions. Like some of you guys. Like those dudes that can eat two cheesesteaks? I could never do that. Maybe I have a small stomach. And I do skip meals sometimes because I'm not hungry.

Oh. And I rarely eat anything after dinner. Like some of you that sit on your couch and devour and whole bag of chips or eat ice cream from the carton. Hmmm. Maybe YOU'RE the one with the problem?

*I'm 6'2" and about 195. Actually I'm 6'2" and 3/4 but I don't want to lie and say I'm 6'3" and I don't want to always say "and 3/4" because it sounds like I kid who says, "I'm 4 and a HALF"

Thoughts on A Few Flamers Like Carson Kressley And Paul Lynde.

I'm sickened that Carson Kressley is going to be on Dancing With A Star. Sickened.

And does that make ME gay? That I care about who is on Dancing With A Star? Probably not. Because look...I think it's called Dancing With "A" Star. "Star" being singular. Which means I probably don't watch the show. Which means...I'm probably straight.

Anyways, back to Carson Kressley. I just can't stand that dude. He's totally full of himself. Just rubs me the wrong way. And no...not because he's a total fem. But on the subject of fems I can't stand do you know who else I despise? Cojo! I hate that dude! He thinks he's hysterical. I hate him! Here he is:


OK. You're probably thinking I'm a homophobe. I will now prove that I'm not. Because here's a flamer I love. I give you...Richard Simmons. But Richard. Please. Can you get a new pair of shorts? It's been 25 years.


Another gay I also love Paul Lynde. Who are YOUR favorite gay people?

West Chester Man Gets Eerie Look On Struble Trail in Downingtown.

Alright I swear I'm not making this up or exaggerating.

I was walking the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few days ago. It's a nice trail that borders the Brandywine River. Delightlful. It's about 80% shaded too. So if you want to keep your smooth, alibaster skin perfect it's the place for you.

So I see a couple approaching me. They're holding hands. I could tell as they got closer that they were in their teens. Once I'm about 20 feet from them I realize that the dude is an Indian and the girl is a.... Wait for ittttt...a mongoloid!

And this is where it turned weird. As she's passing me she gave me this look. A look of convidence. As if saying, "Yeah. I've got a boyfriend." I swear to God it was just weird! Or it was like how a vampire would look at you and he was saying to you, "This is OUR secret. Are we clear with this?" Usually when a retarded person looks at you it's obvious that they're retarded but she looked completely lucid. The whole thing was just odd.

And is it even legal for a normal to date a retarded person??

Or maybe she just LOOKED mongoloid like Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley (see picture below) but I swear she was retarded.

Horrifying Thing I Saw One Time. Finger Nail Related. Lions Share in Exton.

One time I was putting up drywall with some dude. And I had just met him. So we were working very closely.

And I had to hold a piece of the framing material. I forget what it’s called. Like the skeleton of the wall before the drywall goes up. I think you know what I mean. So I’m holding the metal piece and his hand is about 5” from my face because he’s holding a level and I see this:



Well I see “B.” “A” shows a normal pinky and “B” shows the pinky I saw. It was a pinky that had been cut off and it had an itsy bitsy nail grafted (I assume) onto a part of the amputated finger to trick the viewer (I assume) into thinking that it was a normal pinky. So kinda like at first glance someone might be like, “Oh my God is that a chopped of pinky?..oh no..there’s a finger nail. Let me just get back to what I was doing.”

A bit deceiving if you ask me.

But I wasn’t tricked. Oh no. It caught me so off guard I kind of froze. Like in horror. Like when someone jumps out on you and scares you. And that few seconds after you’re trying to recover. So I just looked at it.

A similar thing happened when I was a busboy at the Lion’s Share Restaurant in Exton and I reached down to clear a plate and was caught off guard when I noticed that the dude had one of those fake arms. I’m talking the old school kind with the hook thing at the end and the wires that help it move. You know that kind?

And I had the same shocked, deer in the headlights look.

Did that ever happen to you guys?

Boy Forced To LIsten To Dickie Goodman At Cousin's House in 5th Grade.

When I was a kid we'd visit my cousin's about three times a year. My father and his sister didn't get along. That's why it was so infrequent. And that was fine with me. Because even though they were nice. They were total nerds. And it was always a really uncomfortable visit. Kind of like, "You kids are the same age. You must have things in common. Go hang out together for three hours."

I remember going over once in about 5th or 6th grade and as as soon as I walked in the door the two cousins that were my age were like, "Jimmy! You've got to hear this record!!"

So we went upstairs and they were so excited running up, "This is the funniest thing you ever heard! Wait till you hear this!" I knew there was no way it could be.

And they proceeded to put on "Mr Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. It's supposed to be funny. And they sat there and stared at me in anticipation. So excited. Waiting for me to laugh.

And I sat there stonefaced. Uncomfortable. Knowing this was one of the stupidest things ever. And then they started mimicing it as it was playing. I remember being so uncomfortable so I pretended to laugh at parts. But I've always been bad at that. Especially when something is SO not funny. And I STILL hate when people do that. They'll say, "Bill, tell that hysterical story you were telling me." And depending on who is telling it I can tell right away it's going to be a snoozefest.

And they were all, "WAIT..LISTEN TO THIS PART!! '..with me is the local sheriff. Sheriff? What do you intend to do?'"

And then they'd look at me. Then when it was over they would crack up and say, "DO YOU BELIEVE THAT!! We gotta hear that again!!!" And they put it on again. And again. And yes....even again. Here is the nightmare:

Inglehoffer Horseradish Endorsed By Important West Chester Man

MMMMMMM-Mmmmmmmm!

I'd like to take a moment to tell you what I've been loving. Inglefoffer thick-n-creamy horseradish.

I've always been more of a "prepared horseradish" fan. You know...how there are specs of horseradish and it's not creamy? But sometimes it's not hot enough. You don't get that back of the throat heat zing that goes up to your nose sometimes. And most of the horseradish sauces aren't hot at all.

I really should do a taste test with various horseradishes but in the mean time I'm going with Inglehoffer thick-n-creamy.*

I just had it on a turkey sandwich. And it was so friggin' good. So go buy some. Tell em' Zibbs sent ya.

Seriously, like if the stock boy is standing there tell him I sent you. And report back to me about what he says.

Actually wire yourself so you get it on audio. Then transcribe it when you get home. So you don't fuck it up. OK. Get to work.

*Note to self: consider introducing myself to people as "Thick-n-creamy"

Movies. Backdraft, Chris Elliot with Little Hand and MORE!

A few random things about movies:

- I saw Final Destination 5. It was OK as expected but the special effects were unreal. Especially at the beginning when the bridge collapses. Great death scenes. I couldn't watch the scene where the chick goes to the eye doctor though because it skeeved me out too much.

- Watched Scary Movie 2 again on TV and it's still got some really funny parts. Every scene with Chris Elliot is hysterical. With his little hand. And he tries to touch everyone's face with his itty bitty hand? See picture above.

- For some reason I watched most of Backdraft on TV the other day. Oh brother what a piece of melodramatic crap. The most laughable being Billy Baldwin's character saying to Kurt Russell's character in the ambulance: "Hold on. Hold on you son of a bitch!" (when he thinks he's about to die)

- Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Holy crap did anyone see this?? The movie overall isn't great but the special effects on the apes is great! Oh my God.

So there you go.

This Time At The Rat In West Chester. Embarrassing Cheerleader Incident.

I don’t remember what made me think of this but here’s a story of something that happened when I was 21. It’s one of those stories where you think everything is going really good….and then things go wrong. Terribly wrong.

I was at this college bar called The Rat in West Chester. And I see this girl that was a year ahead of me in high school. She was pretty good looking but I didn’t know her that well. She had been a cheerleader and although we didn’t talk in high school I met her after high school through some mutual friends.

So I see her across the bar and I had a few drinks in me so I go over to ask her to dance. She’s all excited to see me and says, “Yeah! I’ll dance with you!”

She was what one would call “peppy.” Annoying really. But I didn’t care at the time because she was hot.

So we go out onto the dance floor. The dance floor is packed. And from the beginning she was starting to annoy me because it was like I wasn’t even there. She was kind of just dancing to herself.

Then…it happened.

She started doing cheerleader moves. You know…like kicks. Then moving her arms around like she had pom poms in them. I was thinking, “What the hell is this queer ass dance??” It looked totally retarded. Then people started to back away and give her room. She was making a total spectacle of herself. I forget if people were laughing at her but I think they were.

And she kept getting more and more into it. Doing that jump where both legs bend and go behind you and both arms are into the air. Then single kicks..then…(and I’m not kidding)..she did a cartwheel. On the dance floor.

That’s when I kind of just shamefully backed away into the crowd. Giving a look of, “What the hell is that chick doing?” The song ends and she jumps up and down as if a touchdown was just scored. Gayest fucking thing you ever saw. I think I just said, “OK then. Thanks.” And walked away.

So what do you make of that?

Hysterical Low Budget Non PC Commercial for a Gym. MUST SEE!

HAHAHA!!!!!!! What the hell????

Well they do get the message across. So what do you think? Notice those are beer goggles he's wearing.

I think in the outtake he pulls a gun out and kills her.

Downingtown Old Country Buffet Prepares For Commercial.

Here’s an idea for a commercial that I’ll be offering Old Country Buffet*:

- Instead of “All you can eat,” The promotion will be called “All Hugh can eat.”

- And Hugh will be this huge fat fuck. Close to four bills. The following is just a random brainstorming list of some ideas for the commercial:

- Opening of commercial shows Hugh pulling up in his handicap van and hobbling up the six steps to the restaurant. (Stopping twice to catch his breath).

- Huge stands at the hostess table and is greeted by a cheerful hostess who says to Hugh “follow me” – giving the appearance that he’s being seated in a real live restaurant and not a homeless shelter grade dining hall. She reminds Hugh of the “no sharing policy.” She looks at him again and says, “Seriously…no sharing. We’ll find out if you do. And you won’t be able to come back. Are we clear with that?”**

- Hugh drops his oxygen tank at his table and makes his way to the vittles. Mother’s pull children from his path as if guarding them from a charging rhino.

- Hugh wraps his sausage fingers around the dirty ladles and drops food onto his plate: Heat lamp crusted mac and cheese, unseasoned baked chicken, mashed potaters topped with fatty gravy and more….much, much more.

- His plate is loaded. A young chubby lad looks up at him, “Hey Mister, you don’t need to load up your plate THAT much because it’s all you can eat.”

- Hugh looks at the boy, leans down as much as he can and with garlic and cigar breath hitting the kid’s face with the intensity of a CVS handheld hairdryer says, “No mother fucker, It’s all HUGH can eat. You got that? All HUGH can eat. So get the FUCK out of my way!”

- Then cheerfully the announcer explains that although it’s all HUGH can eat, it’s also all YOU can eat. Both really. Hugh AND you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like everyone can eat at Old Country Buffet. Hugh AND you….the person watching the commercial. All creeds too. Seriously. Everyone.

*Commercial to be filmed at the Downingtown Old Country Buffet.
**See what I did there? I worked the problem of sharing right there into the commercial. So it’s crystal clear that people know. Maybe slow zoom in shot of a video camera will follow - with a huge eye peering out. Not sure what it will do to the pacing or tone of the commercial. That decision can be made in editing.

The Getup I Wore At Senior Week. Ocean City. Surgical Shirt.

Jesus Christ I can’t believe what I used to wear back in the day. Here was the getup I wore at senior week. I have a picture to prove it but I won’t be posting it.

I’ll start from the bottom and work my way up.

Converse hightops (untied)
Tight ass Levi’s jeans
Belt (thank GOD I didn't have a rock group belt buckle)
Surgical shirt (authentic)*
Blue bandana tied around neck. Ala’ Howdy Doody.
Lightening bolt ear ring.

And I actually hooked up with two chicks wearing that outfit. What were they thinking???*

*look at me saying "authentic" with unbridled pride.
**I ran into the one chick a few years ago. She's looks 10 years older than her age. Found the other on Facebook. She still looks pretty hot.

Stand-up Nightmare and Book That You May Like. Comedians.

Yes. I know how to read. I’ve been reading a lot lately as a matter of fact. And one book I’d like to recommend is “I Killed: Top Stories of the Road from America’s Top Comics.”*

It’s basically stand-ups telling their favorite stories from traveling around the country doing comedy. Some of the stories are hysterical.

- Taking a dump in the comedy condo pool.
- Two comedians picked up a drunk chick and had sex with her. They realized the next day she wasn’t drunk. She was actually retarded. Whoops.
- One comedian picked up a chick and brought her back to her apartment. She wanted to be tied up so he did. Then he had to run to his car and get something but when he came back he forgot which apartment she was in. Haha. Guess who is was? Jay Leno! Do you believe that??

Many of the stories are about the nightmares of doing stand-up. Like bombing.

My worst nightmare when I did stand-up was when a fellow comic friend of mine started booking shows. So he booked a show at a college bar near Drexel University in Philly. The problem was that it was the day before Spring break so everyone was out to just party. They had no idea that a comedy show was supposed to even happen so it was like, “Attention everyone. The show is about to start. Hello? Could everyone please keep it down? The show is about to start.”

Oh. And the microphone wasn’t really working so only people five feet away could hear. Everyone was just standing around in groups talking. Drunk. Except five college frat douche bags that pulled chairs up to the front of the stage and as I walked out just started yelling, “You suck. You’re not funny. Nobody is listening.”

Literally the only people that could hear were these five guys. So I was like F this noise and left the stage. The dude booking it was like, “What are you doing? You can’t just walk off stage.”

I was like, “Fuck you Steve. Keep the $20.”

What a joke.

*If you’re local you can check it out of the Chester County Library.

Thoughts about Jennifer Aniston. Horrible Bosses.

Do you know what’s weird? I’ve never thought Jennifer Aniston was that hot. She’s pretty but something about her personality just turned me off.

Until…..

I saw her in the movie “Horrible Bosses”*

And I think I liked her because she was super slutty. Not just the extra eyeliner but the character she played. She plays a dentist who’s trying to get her dental assistant into the sack. And she’s all horned up all the time. Sexually harassing him at every turn. Probably the best movie role she’s had really. Actually the only good movie role she’s had because all of her movies stink.

And two Jennifer Aniston questions:

1) Why is she still considered America’s sweetheart?

2) Why do so many magazine’s pull for her to find somebody? There are tons of great guys she could date but she obviously only wants to date another celebrity so if you ask me it’s her own damn fault. What do YOU the reader think?

*check your local listings for showtimes

Llama

Check out this asshole: