So when I saw my friend "The Child" over Christmas I made him tell me one of my favorite stories about being a middle school teacher. And it goes something like this:
The Child: Some of my students are so fucking stupid you wouldn't even believe it. So we have someone from the board of health in and she's talking about pubic crabs. And she has a picture of it on the overhead projector.
Me: Uh huh ...
The Child: ..and remember now, the screen is about five feet by five feet. So the lady is talking about the how you get crabs and all and my dumbest student raises her hand...ooooh....oooooh!
Me: Uh huh...
The Child:...And do you know what her question is?
Me: What?
The Child: IS THAT ACTUAL SIZE?
I swear I love that story more every time I hear it. The visual of someone having crabs - a crab - the size of a Saint Bernard is the funniest thing in the world to me. Is there a way to hide that you have a crab? Do you have to wear super large pants to hide it or is it easier to just cover it with a huge garbage bag or bed sheet?
(Hitting imaginary kid on the side of the head) Stupid!
I assumed you asked him if he thought the kid was joking, cause I used to ask the dumbest questions on purpose. I found it hilarious but teachers thought I was an idiot.
ReplyDeleteIdiot savant!
That would be a thousand times harder than trying to hide your fifth grade boner that you uncontrollably got back in the day.
ReplyDeleteIs that a St. Bernard in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
ReplyDeleteGood lord! If that was actual size, the damn thing would be demanding it's own lunch menu!!!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! That is fantastic!!
ReplyDeleteToo funny
ReplyDeleteThat big and it would be like a built in vibrator! Holy shit!
ReplyDeleteSeriously funny stuff, Dr. Zibbs!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I posted a small promo for your "zazzle" blue yak stuff on my blog. I am sure all 18 of my readers (including you) will rush right over and buy a mug or t-shirt, so be sure to send me a commission check when you get rich.
I was sort of assuming you'd be happy to have a shout out, from just about any source, but if I'm wrong and you want me to take down the promo, just let me know.
Happy Wednesday, Dr. Z!
But if they WERE that big, you could break their legs off, sprinkle some Old Bay Seasoning on them and toss them in the steamer with some corn and potatoes.
ReplyDeleteAsking if a crab on an overhead projector is the actual size is really stupid.
ReplyDeleteIs that photo on your blog the actual size though?
Nice. I love teachers.
ReplyDeleteHoly Mother of God, those things are disgusting.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of that old joke about getting rid of them by shaving one side, lighting the other side on fire and stabbing them as they jump across.
I don't know what these crabs are that you speak of!!!
ReplyDeleteI eat crabs!!! Soft shell!!!
Are they one and the same???
Love
Stalker
Skyler's Dad and Gwen - DOTS A GOOD VON!!
ReplyDeleteKid: "Are thoes actual size?"
ReplyDeleteHealth Teacher: "Actual size of your momma!!!"
Good story. Sorry I got nothing.
The presenter should have said yes.
ReplyDeleteNow that would be an effective health lesson.
I'm with Vic. Maybe they SHOULD tell the kids it's actual size. That'll teach them to keep their pubes clean.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm going to click.
(laughing at Skyler's Dad!)
ReplyDeleteAre we sure that child wasn't being sarcastic? How can a middle schooler be THAT stupid?
I love "The Child"!
ReplyDeleteThey just SEEM that big.
ReplyDelete*not an authority*
heh...
J.
While not a teacher, I did do a tour of duty as a camp counselor for "gifted" kids in college that were 5th, 6th, 7th, & 8th. "Yes" even the "bright" ones can be honestly that stupid.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is life size. Why do you think MC Hammer had to wear those pants?!?! That's why you couldn't touch it. It was infested!
And for the record, I did ask as well if she was just being sarcastic and the answer was, "No, she's just stupid".
ReplyDeleteIs this the stuff my kids are learning about in Middle School??
ReplyDeleteHorrifying in any size.
are you SURE that's not the real size?
ReplyDeleteThey are only that size before you jump into the pool.
ReplyDeleteJust one more reason I'm a staunch advocator of the brazilian wax.
ReplyDeletewow, that's the only thing that made me laugh all day. well done.
ReplyDeletei just keep picturing someone walking around with a huge crab wrestling around in their jeans. and not knowing it. needing to be DIAGNOSED.
omg scandal
WHY DO YOU HAVE WORD VERIFICATION.
ReplyDeleteIT OFFENDS MY SENSITIVE PARTS.
After reading this I'm really glad I'm old enough to have gone to school back in the days when they didn't discuss pubic lice nor knew it existed. YIKES!
ReplyDeleteLOL!
ReplyDeleteWait...
ReplyDelete..you're telling me it's NOT supposed to be this big?
Crys - I put word V back on because I was spammed last week. Badly.
ReplyDelete(Channeling Homer Simpson)
ReplyDeleteUuummmm, crabs. With melted butter...
Of course it would be easier to find out who you got the crabs from.
ReplyDeleteJust stopped over from Diane's at Cooking Blind! She's right, this is a hysterical post!
ReplyDeleteI'm off to read more!
Thanks,
jj