So I had to get a physical yesterday and before the unpleasant finger in the butt to check for colon cancer (which I don't have), the Doctor said,
"Now since I'm from Ohio I'm going to have you roll on your side"...
I have no idea what she meant. Do you?
Maybe I was supposed to ask her what that meant and then there was a punchline to add some levity to the violation that was about to take place.
Seriously, what does that mean? Do most other States make you get on all fours?
Does North Dakota make you stand against a wall?
Does Oregon make you stand on one leg and hold the other leg behind your back and then you're instructed to KICK upon insertion?
I don't understand.
..does Maine make you stand against a wall and the doctor is blindfolded and then she tries to find you like pin the tail on the donkey?
ReplyDelete...Does Alabama make say, "Hey everyone, come look at this!" ..then once everyone leaves and you're humiliated the procedure begins?
ReplyDelete...Does Michigan make you stand up and spread, then they roll under you on a dolly and before begining they yell, "IS ANYBODY IN THERE? HELLOOOOO?"
ReplyDeleteCow Tippers... They're such bull.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't give a fuck, as long as none of them took a run up.
ReplyDeleteI think the doctor just wanted you to feel more comfortable and not like you are in some prison movie, most of which have been filmed in Mansfield, Ohio where we send the worst of the worst. Perhaps she had done some time prior to becoming your doctor and knows from experience how badly these things can go.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you are cancer free but what a tough way to find out.
Doc
Good God what DOES that mean?! That's going to bother me all day...
ReplyDeletePearl
p.s. Have to do that myself. Yikes. Colonoscopy in my near future.
I am concerned. And thinking of avoiding Ohio.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about Ohio, but Texas makes you cross your legs and hold them closed, real tight like. Sodomy is a sin against humanity and don't you fergit it.
ReplyDeleteGood God, man!
ReplyDeleteHas it been so long that you can't recognize the signals when a woman is hitting on you?
BE Earl - I had some flowers and candy hidden in my car but then got nervous.
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of that 'Ohio' reference before, but I'm with you on the 'finger' thing. I, too, took a finger poke for the home team a few weeks ago. It was the first time ever. I kinda knew it would eventually happen someday, I just didn't think it would be so matter-of-fact.
ReplyDelete"Pull down your underpants, lean on your elbows...uggh...yeah, Doc...this is a real bonding moment we're having. Especially since we just met. I felt like he owed me dinner or something afterwards!
You can read about my finger fun in a post I wrote: http://www.madtexter.com/2009/09/rumors-are-true.html
Round on the ends and hi in the middle?
ReplyDeleteshot in the dark here...
Peace - Rene
Not the R's - I don't know what that means but it makes me nervous...
ReplyDeleteSince she was from Ohio, there was no punch line.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWas the doctors name Smith or Jones? It's reported...
ReplyDeleteTwo doctors opened an office in a small Ohio town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Still not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and *** Holes."
NO WAY!
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?"
Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Unh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
The sign was approved.
* * * * * * * * * *
I would have suggested the following possibilities:
Baskets and Cans
Fruits and Buns
Heads and Tails
Whacks and Cracks
Fears and Rears
Flakes and Fannies
Rubber Rooms and Rubber Gloves
Crackers and Cheese Cutters
Bonkers and Buckets
Baggage and Trunks
Train Wrecks and Cabooses
Bananas and Coconuts
Batty and Booty
Couches and Stools
Probably has something to do with Buckeyes/Browneye.
ReplyDeleteI dunno... I'm from Missouri I want everyone to show me... except you Zibbs. No thanks.
Hmmm....HimmyD - I have a funny feeling I know who you are...
ReplyDeleteI had this check under anesthesia ...
ReplyDeleteSo no idea what they do or did ...(poor me)
...
But I guess it could be that this lady doctor couldn't resist that Blue Yak-charm !
So roll over darling !
No joke, my wv is sodomro. Must be the finger in the butt thing.
ReplyDeleteAt least here in Seattle they take you out for coffee and scones after.
I love HimmyD's comment.
ReplyDeleteDiane - I'm still waiting to hear if it's someone I know.
ReplyDeleteAren't you familiar with the Cleveland Steamer? Cleaveland is still in Ohio right?
ReplyDeleteOr maybes its because Ohio is basically the word "hi" sandwiched in between two buttholes. One post, and one pre-poke.
Swedish Chef - I hear you w/ the Cleveland Steamer. That might be a valuable clue in solving my puzzle.
ReplyDelete