The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about bees. Pretend you were there as I retell the story:
My son was about five and my wife hears screaming coming from the backyard. She runs out and my son and his friend Kyle are running toward the house. They had stepped in a bees nest.
So my son gets in the house but Kyle is surrounded by bees and is being stung. And the bees are going up his pant leg and up his shirt.
Now I wasn't there but my wife was telling me the story when I got home from work. I'm like, "What did you do?"
She says, "I was really calm. I was like OK Kyle, let's pull you shirt off...OK here we go..Good...OK step out of your shorts...OK...as I walked him toward the house. I finally got his shirt and pants off and I pulled him into the house."
What?
I don't know how she stayed so calm. I really think I might have done this as my son ran into the house: "OK Kyle, Jack can't play now..OK..you just go home now. Alright?We've got some things to do..(as I pull the door shut)...come back tomorrow.
Well hopefully I wouldn't have done that but I could have seen myself saying, "JUST RUN AROUND THE HOUSE! BEES ARE SLOW! (as I watched from the inside of the house) THAT'S IT..FASTER! THE BEES ARE GETTING TIRED! I CAN TELL!"
I was stung so many times in childhood I'm really not afraid of bees anymore.
ReplyDeleteOnce in high school - when I was going through my hippie-pacifist phase - I tried to catch a bee in my room using a tissue. Fucker stung me through the tissue so I beat it to death with a can of hairspray. Hippie-pacifist phase was over.
Kristen - Hold on for a second. Are you trying to tell me a bee's stinger went through the thick, almost steel-like fabric of a tissue?
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you're not making this up?
I know. I may have been high since I was in my hippie-pacifist phase at the time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that picture is freaking me the f OUT! so maybe I'm not really tough like a tissue when it comes to bees.
Kristen - I was going to do just the beard of bees but it's so cliche'
ReplyDeleteI think I like your way better....
ReplyDeleteI would have turned the hose on him.
Miss Ymmy Face - Hahaha! The hose! I never thought of that.
ReplyDeleteWould 've done the same thing - being stung myself 3 times already - I would 've said something like 'act like a man' and slammed the door in his face !
ReplyDelete@Kristen-awesome!
ReplyDelete@Zibbs: THAT WAS FUNNY!! SO EFFING FUNNY!! LAUGHED SO HARD!!
just slam the door, draw the shades and everything. pretend you didn't see the other kid!!!
rock on!!!
Damn, I wish I had a funny response. Having been a girl scout counselor, I've learned how to handle these situations calmly.
ReplyDeleteThough don't ask me to remove a tick from a sensitive um, area, with a straight face.
I'm pretty sure I may have peed while reading what you would have done!!! HA! I'm afraid I would have been a coward also...and I didn't know all you had to do was take of their clothes???
ReplyDeleteWould someone sue me later!?
I'd have stuck my head out the door and yelled, "BOO, BEE!" because that's how you scare them.
ReplyDeletePoor Kyle, clearly not a bee charmer like your good self.
ReplyDeleteYou should consider writing a self-help book outlining your original, if somewhat deadly, technique.
I would have ignored the screaming in the first place. Kids are always screamin' about something. Makin' me miss my stories. That will teach 'em to stay off my damn LAWN!
ReplyDeleteWait, huh, what? I would have blasted him with the garden hose. Bees? No. Not the bees. I would have hosed Kyle down so he shut the fuck up.
I'm gonna make a great dad.
I saved my oldest from a tree full of bees. I took the stings and I'm alergic.
ReplyDeleteSong of A - I would have done that for my son too...but for a neighbor kid? F that noise..
ReplyDeleteThe same thing happened to my sister and our babysitter flipped out and took her own clothes off because she was so worried a bee might be near her. It was pretty funny.
ReplyDelete"OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!" - The Wicker Man (2006)
ReplyDeleteRemind me to never let you babysit my kids. You're a BAD man a VERY bad man!
ReplyDeleteah the kid probably deserved it. Bees know if you're good or evil.
ReplyDeleteI had a bee fly in the window the other day, knock itself out along the way, and land somewhere in the car. I did not know what flew in or where it went, other than it landed somewhere around the driver's side. About 2 miles later, while still driving, I thought to look between my legs on the seat. That little fucker was passed out right *there*. Almost wrecked the car in the panic that ensued. Somehow got it on the floor without getting stung and stomped it to death. Bees suck.
ReplyDeleteCaffeine Court - That's a similar message you left on my Snapvine recorder last year but you said, "You're a bad boy Zibbs. A very bad boy"
ReplyDelete