Here are various notes from the 8th grade chorus concert I had to attend last night. My daughter is in the chorus:
- I sat in the back so I was able to spend my time watching people. Like a bird. On it’s perch. Watching. I’ve discovered if I’m bored to tears but able to watch people I can make things bearable.
- When all the kids walked to the stage I saw my daughter’s friend. She’s pretty funny. I gave her the nonverbal look like a was surprised. Like, “What? What are you doing here? This is preposterous!” She tilted her head sideways, nodded and winked and gave me the “gun shoot” pointed finger. Cracked me up.
- The kid I saw last year with the magnificent jew-fro was singing again. He’s so big. He looks like he could play college football and then he tops off his huge frame with this big ass fro. And to make it better, there was a teensy tiny kid standing in front of him with what looked liked a glued on fake hairpiece. The juxtaposition was glorious. (Look at me using big words).
- The chorus director dude was totally overdoing it with his hand conducting moves. Couldn’t tell if he really thought what he was doing was helping the kids to sing or if he was showboating.
- Some Indian lady sat next to me and reeked of perfume. Is that really necessary? I swear I could taste it.
- I cracked myself up by imagining that right as they were finishing singing the Beatles song, “Here Comes The Sun” if I had a speaker rigged up then from off stage in a super baritone voice I sung, “HERE COMES THE SUN….YEAHHH!” And everyone would be looking around like, “What the hell?” Some parents would have shocked looks on their faces and shaking their heads and saying, “Who would DO that? They ruined it! The whole thing is ruined now! We even brought Nana here. And she's SICK!”
Then the rest of the concert I was thinking of things that I could at the end of every song to ruin it. Like I'd come swinging in from the side and sing the last line. Or pull off a fake rubber mask like I was one of the kids after a song ended. Then run away.
Janitors would be instructed to catch me. They'd fail.
Would be a big ole' scandal. Probably one of those stories that gets passed down to new kids every year. Oh and the cover up? Don't even start.
Man. I should have done it.
hahaha! I love the baritone "HERE COMES THE SUN" over the speaker. I already interrupt my kid's ABC's songs by randomly yelling out a letter they're ready to sing. True.
ReplyDeleteYou should've, Zibbs.
ReplyDeleteOur new music teacher at my kids' school keeps having them sing these global songs, which is nice in theory but makes for REALLY shitty concerts.
Young fucking idealists...
Oh the janitors would so catch you! I heard you run like a little girl! haha arms flailing, skipping every other step...
ReplyDeleteI recently learned that Jeff Bridges studied the movements of birds in order to prepare for his role in Starman. He wanted to evoke a sense of alert wonderment in the character.
ReplyDeleteWhere am I going with this? Well . . . you, sir, could have landed the lead male role in Starman.
Great post! xoxo
There are those cheap pay-as-you-go cell phones that you could have stashed under a chair. At the end of "Hear Comes The Sun" you could call it, and tell which ever kid answers that you are Paul McCartney and you wanted him to know that he wants the kid to NEVER sing that song again.
ReplyDeleteBut call it from a second pay-as-you-go phone, so you don't leave your real number on it.
Always have Febreeze on hand, so you can pull it out and spray it around overly perfumed women.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post.
You should have done it. They're 8th graders, their lives are practically the seventh level of hell already.
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced that when the unsaved die they go back to middle school.
Oh jeez, I would pay MONEY to attend a concert where you pulled this shit! It could be a kickass fundraiser. Just saying...
ReplyDeletehooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
ReplyDeletehooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
ReplyDeletehooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
ReplyDeletehooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
ReplyDeletehooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
ReplyDeleteThank you, that was extremely valuable.
ReplyDeletehooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
ReplyDeleteYES! Then your kid would have spent the rest of her high school years in therapy...
ReplyDeleteBut it would have made great blog fodder...
Candy - True.
ReplyDeleteLOL @scope bellissimo idea !!
ReplyDelete@Diane Febrèze even makes it worse !! It does for the turds-scent in the toilets ; don't know bout Indian ladies ...
Let me ask you this. Do you remember anything about your daughter's concert other than your grand schemes to ruin it or yuck it up? I say man. It is not about you. It's about the children.
ReplyDeleteSigned, A SERIOUS chorus concert mom.
Mrs Crotch - Yeah but your daughter likes to sing. I look up at my daughter and she's laughing with her friend on the stage.
ReplyDeleteOh ok then. All is forgiven. So, why is she in chorus?
ReplyDeleteCool idea about the baritone Beatles interruption. As I remember back in my own middle school days, our chorus teacher was a very dramatic, very uptight perfectionist and something like that would have caused him to have a nervous breakdown on the spot, which would be very entertaining.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate it when people drown themselves in perfume and cologne. Especially at the gym when you have to take deep breaths and that stuff is choking. I wish I could fart at will in order to fight back.
Prunella - Agreed. If you can taste perfume it should not be allowed.
ReplyDeleteoh and Mrs Crotchpains - she HAS to be in chorus. If not you have to be in something else less desirable. But I forget what it is.
ReplyDelete