Paul F Tompkins Appears in Dream of West Chester Blogger. Carvel.

The other night I was listening to comedian Paul F Tompkins* on the Doug Benson podcast. Which lead to this weird ass dream:

*cue wavey dream lines*

(I walk into my parents house and Paul F Tompkins is in a wheelchair)

Me: Hey Paul what are you doing here?

Paul: Hey Jim. How are you? I'm just here for your family's pool party.

Me: Well why aren't you out at the pool?

Paul: I didn't want to ask anyone to help me outside. You know..with the wheelchair and all. It's OK though. I can hear them from here.

Me: Oh OK. Hey do you want to split the rest of this Fudgie the Whale cake with me?

Paul: Sure! And that's funny you bring up Fudgie the Whale because I was just reading an article recently about how Carvel almost went out of business.

Me: Really? Why?

Paul: I'm not sure. The article didn't say.

This is when I just kind of froze. Because I was thinking "You read an 'article' about them potentially going out of business and they didn't say why? Seems like you probably just read a blurb on Yahoo but you're trying to convince people that you read an entire article."

I found it kind of sad in a way.

Me: Hmmm. Well Paul, I'm on my way to Delaware to pick up some crawfish but have fun.

Paul: OK. Bye.

*And yes. As I mentioned before on this blog I know PFT in real life from when I did stand up back in "the day." (Note quotes around the words "the" and "day.")

I STARTED A BAND!! Here's A Video. CORKY!!!

I started a band!!! Here's a video. That's me there on the left.

Naaaaaaaa. Naaaaaa. Naaaaaaa. That's not me. I posted this video on my blog a few years ago and just wanted to share it with everyone again. What do you think?

Ayyyyy! The Fonz Saves Joanie From A Rape. Yeah Right.

Yeah right. And also...look what she was wearing. As if she didn't want it.

And why was the Fonz feeling her shoulders up to calm her down. So many questions that will never be answered.

Chinese Lady Had Me Cracking Up! Silent, Shoulder Shaking Laughing.

I was at the library today and I was on the computer and there was a super loud lady giving a Chinese lady English lessons. As in teaching her how to speak English. It's all you could hear because she was talking so loud.

And I started cracking up and almost had to leave because this happened:

Instructor: The word is "huge." Say it. "Huge."

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: No. "Huge."

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: Huge.

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: No. Like this, "Huuuuuge."

Chinese Lady: Hooooog.

HAHA!! So I finally calm down from my silent, shoulder shaking laughing and I hear the instructor mention what a synonym was. But at first I thought she as saying "cinnamon" and thought she was going to make the Chinese woman say "cinnamon!"

HAHAHA!!! She can't get "huge" down and you're going to have her attempt "cinnamon????" WHAT THE HELL???

Then I couldn't stop laughing so I had to leave.

Chester County Man Lists Lame Assed Bucket List. Goats.

I've been thinking of writing a bucket list but haven't. I do have one major one that is totally going to happen soon but it ain't none of your alls beeswax.

But in lieu of the bucket list I've decided to make a "bucket list junior." These are things that are bucket-listesque but shorter term and easily obtainable. Here we go:

- Make homemade cheese.

- Watch Madmen. (I know I'll love this show and I think I even have the channel on Verizon but have no idea what time it's on. I'm sure I'll like it)

- Get a BJ in a dressing room. (Leaning toward Victoria's Secret. Leaning against Value City)

- Learn a French phrase that I can say in a smart ass way then say it to someone and just walk away. And there will be a crowd and people will think, "Holy shit that Mother F'er speaks French??

- Make a few videos and put them on the Youtube.

- Give a crying Indian chief a tissue.

- Tell more people in a movie theater to "stop talking." Kind of hooked from when I did it a few months ago.

- Walk into a room naked except I'm wearing a sock over my junk and pretend I don't know what people are talking about when they're all, "What the?? What are you doing???"

- Play with a goat.

- Master a Burt Reynold's imitation.

- Get a disguise (including a wig) and go somewhere and trick people. Using an accent and everything. Then maybe go back into the place as me and get the people to talk about the disguised me.

There you go. Just a little off the cuff. Leave your short term goals in the comments and I'll judge you. If you want. Leave a "J" after your list if you want honest feedback.

I Finally Found That Paul Williams Thing!! Song. Old Fashioned.

I found it!! For years...and I mean YEARS.. I'll sing to myself an imitation of Paul Williams doing "Old Fashioned Love Song."

And I never knew if I made it up or not. I remember Paul Williams was on The Odd Couple once and was thinking that's maybe where I heard it from but nope! He did it on The Muppets Show. But I'm kind of disappointed I didn't make it up.

I really need to figure out how to put audio clips on this blog because I would totally post my imitation. Anyway, this is what it sounds like:

How I'm Feeling Right At This Minute

The Potholder Story. The Child. Guy's Weekend.

I think my friend "The Child" has to be the ultimate bachelor. A few years ago we were having a guy's weekend at his place in Maryland. Right near the water. A boat. Sweet deal. While a few of the guys were making crabs here's what happened:

Dave: Child where are your potholders?

Child: Right in the drawer below the microwave.

Dave: (opens draw and horrifyingly holds something up) What the hell is this?

Child: What? I use them as potholders.

Dave: YOU USE YOUR OLD UNDERWEAR AS POTHOLDERS???!!

Child: (acting as if Dave is being a big baby) Oh cooooooome on nooooow! Who doesn't use their old clothing for things around the house??

Dave: Yeah maybe an old T-shirt to dry your car not tighty whiteys as potholders!!

I swear this happened. HAHAHA!! I always picture him having a date over and he romantically is making his date dinner and he says, "Would you mind handing me a potholder out of that drawer? And she kind of dreamily reaches for the drawer....."WHAAAAA????"

Chester County Movie Wrap Up. Footloose and The Thing.

So my daughter and I were going to have a Father/Daughter afternoon and see Footloose but she bailed on me. Her "excuse" was "I really have no interest in that movie Dad." And to top it off, she never even heard of the original. Kids.

And I really wanted to see that but was too embarrassed to go myself. And too lazy to pull a disguise together. And you don't just get a disguise and walk into the movie. You need to have a voice that matches the disguise. Like if you bump into someone you can't just say, "Oh excuse me" in your regular voice. It's pretty involved. Waaaay to much work for a Sunday.

So instead I saw "The Big Year" With Steve Martin, Jack Black and What's his name Wilson. I'm into birds and all but the movie was a borefest.

But I did sneak into the remake of the The Thing. And it was great! As horror movies go. Really good story. Suspenseful. Crazy ass monsters and shit. Good stuff. And I see most horror movies that come out. So I'm kind of an expert.

And Mary Elizabeth Winstead is pretty darn cute in it if you ask me. That's her pictured above.

So I DO think you should see this movie. Let me know what you think if you do. Here's the trailer for it:

West Chester Man Reveals Movie Trailer That Is Him. Stunt Rock..

If someone asked me to play a movie trailer that would illustrate who I am it would have to be.....



You gotta admit that the narrator is KICK. ASS!!

And look at that wizard! And thanks to TC for introducing me to this. How did I never hear of this thing?

West Chester Man Wonders About This Olive Grabber. Crime.

I wonder if some guy was at a party one time and he hid behind a window drape. Then...at just the right time... when some snobby ass lady was standing within his reach, he sloooooowly extended the olive grabber (see picture above) that he was holding and grabbed her nip:

Snobby Lady: (slaps face of monocle wearing chap she's talking to) WHY. I. NEVER!

Monocle Guy: (shrugs shoulders) WHAT????

The then the dude with the olive grabber stealthily climbed out the window and escaped into the night.

The perfect crime.

Will The Best Children Please Come Up Here? Triplets.

Man. Time flies. My son is already in college. And happy to report that except for one B he has all A's. Phew!

But was thinking about a story his first grade teacher told me about him years ago. There was a set of triplets in the first grade. Their last name was Best. So on the first day two of the triplets were in her class when only one was supposed to be in her class. So she says, "Would the Best children please come up to my desk?"

So the two Best boys walked up to her desk. She told the one that he was to go to another class. Then she looked behind them and my son was standing there. And then...

Teacher: Oh and who are you?

Son: Jack Zibbs.

Teacher: And why did you come up here?

Son: Because I'm one of the best children.

Haha!! He thought she meant the best as in the best kids in the class.

Meh. Maybe you had to be there but it was pretty cute when she told it.

I Haven't Smelled Vick's Vapo Rub in Years.

I haven't smelled Vick's Vaporub in years! But I love the smell of it. It reminds me of when I was sick as a kid. I remember opening the jar and taking a big ole' whiff. You've got to admit it's got a pretty distinctive smell. I've been tempted to smell it. Maybe next time I go to a supermarket I'll open one up and get some smelling in.

And I just recently discovered now that it's Vick's VAPO rub and not VAPOR rub. Also, who the hell is Vick? They should have used Vick Tayback (Mel from Alice) on the label. Just sayin'.

OK. That's all I got for you.

Chester County Baby Starts Bawlin' To Bee Gees Song

God I'm a baby. I saw the movie 50/50 this weekend and cried 7 times.

There was an old lady next to me and she pulled a tissue out. I was waiting for her to say, "Do you want a tissue sonny?" Worst of all is that I had one cry that was an outburst and I had to contain myself. Ha!

And on top of it all they had the Bee Gees song "To Love Somebody" in it. And I LOVE song. That got the old water works going too. That song always gets me. Just really emotional these days for various reasons.

So get your tissues out and take a listen.