So I've seen a few stories about people crapping their pants on various blogs lately and to show that I'm as human as the next guy, I will share this story. Below is the story if I had written it in a diary on a train.
Dear Diary,
The meeting in New York at Avon went great today. My product presentation went as planned and Marketing did a great job as well. They even had me go through a soon to be released catalog and asked me to brainstorm ideas for some line extensions. They were impressed.
Yeah. Perfect until IT happened. We left the meeting and went to lunch. And as we're walking back to Penn Station...this is embarrassing but I had the sudden feeling like I was going to shit my pants! What Diary? No you can't just "go into a building and go to the bathroom in New York you hay seed".
All of the buildings have security, plus we were late for the train and I didn't know that new chick from Marketing well enough to tell her that I need to get to a bathroom because I'm going to shit my pants.
Trust me, the situation went from bad to code red. I was thinking about lies that I could say,
"A friend of mine works here. I'm just going to catch the next train to Philly. Yeah I know we all drove from the office to the train station. It's OK. I'll just walk the 45 miles home from Philly."
I swear I found religion that day because I was praying to whoever would listen that if they got me through this, I'd be a better person. I had to. There would have been no hiding it. I was about to explode. I was thinking that if it happened, I would say that I have cancer. What? People with cancer don't lose control? I don't know! Did I tell you that it was a code red? And I couldn't think straight?
So as we're walking, I'm trying to look for any building that I could duck into. I'm saying, "Please, please, please don't let this happen! PLEASE!" And I'm starting to sweat. I hardly ever sweat!
Anyways, it was a miracle because somehow, someway, things subsided. The bubbling stopped. I'm now sitting on the train. Safe. And will now have a greater respect for life. And I will try to be a better person and...HEY...look at that bum with the Mr T shirt!...Bwahahahahahhaa.
That is the world's worst feeling - the rumbling and stomach cramps, the sweating and internal dialogue -
ReplyDeleteUh-oh.
Hang on, I'll be right back. I, uh, well I just have to go. Right now. See ya!
Ha ha ha! Classic! :-)
ReplyDeleteYour writing style seemed cramped in this crappy post.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I never leave home without my astronaut approved adult diapers!
ReplyDeleteDuty!
ReplyDeleteCrap in your pants story never gets old! I love the SNL faux commercial for Oops!
ReplyDeletehttp://youtube.com/watch?v=blwBvrFQy-Y
The worst is when you have to fart, you then let it go and there is a bit of leakage.
ReplyDeleteNot like it's happened to me, just saying.
#1
Tenakim - Someone just posted that video the other day on a blog and that's what gave me the idea for the post.
ReplyDeletePhilly - Yeah sure it never happened to you.
Man, sounds like you were really percolating!
ReplyDeleteSon Of A Thomas: Nice!
The gurgling and the sweating....ooooh, that's a recipe for disaster right there!
ReplyDeleteShitty post! *snort*
ReplyDeleteI crap... er, crack me up.
Why is it that shit like that always happens at the most inopportune moments.(no pun intended)
ReplyDeleteThat was divine intervention indeed.
Gross...Thanks for that. I was just thinking about getting something to eat, not anymore.
ReplyDeleteUGH! Yes i know this feeling you speak of. Just had it today actually. In the grocery store, while searching for peanut butter. You know, the creamy kind??
ReplyDeleteYeah, i'm just saying!!!
HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!
Love
Stalker
yeah I've had a few Praire Dog experiences. It's a shitty feeling.
ReplyDeleteI so know the feeling. I "conveniently" forget how much dairy HATES me!
ReplyDeleteI had a very near explosion experience. It was so near I had to change when I got home. 'Nuf said...
You might be crossing the line here, Zibbs. I would come up with something funnier, but I feel like crap.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, Zibbs. You are the shit.
ReplyDelete;)
i've never crapped my pants but i have peed in them numerous of times.
ReplyDeleteI just dream a version of this all the time - like I'm desperate, and I see a bathroom on the horizon, and then it just, disappears when I get close. Repeatedly.
ReplyDeleteI drive to customer's houses as part of my job. I have a policy of NEVER using a customer's bathroom. Many of my destinations are remote, there are no roadside potties, and I have had this happen to me several times. I now have a policy of no breakfast and no lunch until after the appointment when I am going certain places.
ReplyDeleteYeah, my job is awesome.... Why do you ask?
Though I will say this...the elation, the relief, the glorious feeling after you DO finally get to go is kind of thrilling. Its like all the clocks are reset and you have been given another chance to be a good person. Or at least, a person who doesn't have to sidle into Walmart and buy new pants.
ReplyDeleteOh man! Been there, done that!
ReplyDeleteTMI coming...I was traveling from CO to CA and had breakfast in Sedona, AZ. Everything was fine, until I got back on the road. My stomach started to rumble and I decided to stop at the 1st opportunity. Then I saw the flagman, and my heart sunk. Everyone was stopped (for 45 minutes) for road construction. I finally made it to Jerome, AZ in the nick (and I mean nick of time!
Man you people are sick. I just made that story up as a trap to see what you guys would say.
ReplyDeleteUh...yeah....made it up.
Ok Guru;
ReplyDeleteYour post was hysterical...funny guy! I'll come back !
Well, since you "made it up," disregard the adult diapers I mailed you.
ReplyDeleteOK - I was lying. I did NOT make this story up. It's true. Sadly.
ReplyDeleteI pity you, FOOL. Don't you just love it when a plan comes together though?
ReplyDeleteWas it a tshirt with no sleeves, or did it have his face on the front? because the first one is to be sorry for, but the second one is definitely for laughing at.
ReplyDeleteHello. My name is words words words and I have had an adult accident.
ReplyDeleteGood thing you didn't gamble and lose.
ReplyDeleteYou were not experiencing a "code red" good sir. You were experiencing a "code brown".
ReplyDeleteI've had many a "code brown", but none have ever slipped into a "total brown out" situation.
Back when I used to run, I always carried $20 on me incase I "code browned" out on my run and needed either a cab, or to spend money in a restaraunt as a quid. And it always happened when you were about 4 miles from home.
And then you truly have, a race with the devil.
Scope...and that is why I don't run.
ReplyDeleteAnother informative blog… Thank you for sharing it… Best of luck for further endeavor too.
ReplyDelete