At the request of my friend Flare aka Anonymous (friend since 7th grade) in this post, I will introduce you to Dukey.
Dukey was a neighbor growing up. I'll just let you know about him with some random items in bullet point form:
- If you called him Milton the Monster he'd say, "Fuck you you fucking asshole dickhead!
- One time he yelled out the car window at a nun: "You need to get fucked by a dick!"
- He would go on the CB radio and curse people out. Once he yelled to "the Phantom" (an adult neighbor): "You're a fucking dickhead Franz! Her son takes it in the butt!*"
- He made it a habit of rolling down his car window (or bus window) and spitting on people.
- He was all mechanicy and shit so he installed a speaker under his hood and he would yell stuff to people on the street, "Hey fat fuck! Get the fuck out of the way before I smash into you and break my God damn car you fucker!"
Where did Dukey end up? I'm not sure but he was arrested a few years ago for running a chop shop operation where one of his partners faked his suicide - pretending to jump off of the Ben Franklin Bridge in Philly*. The story was re-enacted on America's Most Wanted or one of those TV shows where they re-enact crimes. A proud moment for the neighborhood. (And believe it or not, his parents were very normal . He was just a bad egg)
There are a million more stories like these. Maybe Flare can add a few in the comments. If he isn't too busy being all lawyeree and shit. You fucking lawyer!
Did you grow up with a Dukey?
*This was soooo against FCC rules. I have no idea what that means but everyone always talked about how cursing on the CB was a major crime.
**The suicide note included, "Dukey, see you in HELL!" (true story)
Oh God. I think my family were the "Dukies".
ReplyDeleteJessica - do you have a brother named Hicknut? Cause that was one of his brothers.
ReplyDeletethis kid never had a chance with the name Dukie. Was the family dog named William or Jeff by any chance?
ReplyDeleteCan't. Stop. Laughing! hahahaha I needed this, thank you!
ReplyDeleteI know a few Dukeys, I think everyone does. Once in Jury Duty selection, the judge asked if anyone knew our Dukey and my aunt was mortified to have to raise her hand an admit it. haha She was immediately excused.
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ReplyDeleteGage - that was his nickname. Everyone in the family had a nickname: Ferder, Hicknut, Dukey, Stubber and Dickhead (that was the Dad's. Seriously) The mom come to think of it didn't have one but My friend and I were each given nicknames by the mom: Conner and The breker boy)
ReplyDeleteOh ...and Alice - Niiice.
ReplyDeleteit was the commodore barry bridge
ReplyDeleteAnonymous/Flare - seems like you know a bit more about this then I do. Flare, do you know the boy?
ReplyDeleteI have a friend that sounds a lot like him. And I mean SOUNDS. Billy yells phallic/homo references at people all the time. Usually followed up by "You Nazi prick!" We keep him around though, because when you come across movies like "Kung Fu Hustle" or "Dead Snow" you know you're in for a phenomenon known as "Movies made better by Billy".
ReplyDelete-KJC
Wait, so let me get this straight ... this person ISN'T available for dating ... ??
ReplyDeleteOH... cause see, my boyfriend he works with a guy named Duke. So I assumed Duke=Dukie= just a really bad name for anything but a dog.
ReplyDeleteBased on his stories, the work Duke isn't exactly a beaming beacon of intelligence...
I beleive that in his youth, the current Dalai Lama was very similar.
ReplyDeleteI'd be angry, too. Here he totally NAILED the idea for the "Mr. Microphone" and he got totally hosed out of the cash.
ReplyDelete"The Man" is keeping him down. And "The Man" is named "Ron Popeil".
I beat up a guy named Dukey for my chicken ass brother who was racing home to watch Kimba the White Lion or Speed Racer, what a minute, the chicken ass brother was YOU Zibbs! Never told anyone this before but Dukey's Dad was always a little sexually inappropriate with the young girls.
ReplyDeleteNo Dukey in my hood growing up, but I did have a teenage perv!
ReplyDelete(Calling to me as he's standing behind the schoolyard with his pants to his ankles and his hand on his willy)
"Hey Katie, Katie, come 'ere, Katie, just come here for a second!"
Lil' Katie is on her pony and gallops off in horror ...
True story.
The weird kid in our hood was Kenny Lapinski. He'd pick his nose in front of you. He ended up going to prison for robbing a 7/11 with sawed off shotguns.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad admitting it, but we had an older kid (like 16 yrs old) in our neighborhood that everyone referred to as 'retarded Jimmy.' He use to chase all of us little kids around the 'hood and we were scared. Then one day my brother started shooting him w a BB gun through our front screen door when my parents weren't home. He didn't come around much after that.
ReplyDeleteA yup! That would be my brother.
ReplyDeletejust like an onion, it just gets more stinky with each peeled layer.
ReplyDeleteConfession time. Sometimes when my brother and I are driving to the gym we yell things at groups of teenagers walking by. Stuff like "Show it to her". haha Is that wrong?
ReplyDeleteDukey had a crush on me in highschool and once lifted up my skirt in front of everyone while I was holding hand with my actual boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteThen he sent roses to my locker and stole my gym strip.
Pretty sure it's the same guy.
Hell, I AM Dukey.
ReplyDeleteAlice - I need to meet this brother of yours someday.
ReplyDeleteChelle - I hope your boyfriend kicked his ass.
Heff - You do kind of look like what he probably looks like now.
The breker boy. Is that a clue to your identity?
ReplyDelete