If you follow me on Twitter you know that I enjoy the manly habit of taking baths. Here’s my ritual:
Boil two large pots of water. This way, the bath starts out super hot and you don’t run out of hot water as you drain the warm and add more hot water during the bathing event.
Put a beer in the freezer for about 20 minutes. This will ensure that it stays cold as it sits on the side of the tub. Make a bourbon or scotch using as much cracked ice as will fit in a glass.
Prepare some snacks. Sometimes I’ll make a small plate of cheese, almonds and hot pepper slices. I bring a toothpick in so I can stab the cheese and pepper slices. But make sure to eat the cheese first because it will start to melt from the steam in your bathroom.
Get reading material. I like to get a book and a few magazines. It’s nice to have choices.
Pen and paper. In case I “think of anything I need to write down.” Like a tweet or a blog post idea. Or an invention.
Droid. IMPORTANT: Do NOT hold over the tub. I dropped mine in the first week I had it and ruined it. You will need the droid so you don’t miss any important mentions of you on Twitter.
As I stated at the beginning, as the water goes from hot to warm, drain a bit of the water out and add more hot water. Swirl it around.
Things that are NOT part of my bath ritual: Lighting candles. Wrapping my hair up in a towel. Using bath beads. Although I did receive “lavender bath salts” for Xmas as a gift but I’m not sure I’ll use them because my Twitter friend @MrsMushiMushi told me a guy friend of hers used them and they somehow “burned his nuts.” Although she did go on to say that he only had one nut so maybe he already had some issues. In the nut area.
Wow, Dr. Zibbs. Might as well light those candles or drop in the nut-burning salts; you're not far off from that level.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't the heat/condensation/steam ruin the food?
I was with you until you brought cheese in there. You can't have it all, man. Soon you'll be wheeling in the TV, preparing meals on a hot plate, having friends in to play poker; when does a bath stop being a bath and start being you just doing cool stuff whilst soaking in hot water?
ReplyDeleteYou don't know what you're missing with the candles. You could even get a lavender candle and avoid the nut scorching.
ReplyDeleteWow, a bath in your house is a real production - I'm guessing there are children (or an annoying spouse) to take refuge from on occasion.
ReplyDeleteI'm getting a new button blogroll and would like to have a button for Blue Yak, but I don't see one... if you have one made up, would you please send it to me at
VenomsCrown@live.ca ?
Thanks a bunch.
you know, when I take a bath it does generally include very hot water, reading material and a snack. I never thought that was weird until now. Is it? Really?
ReplyDeleteHmmm...cheese in the bath tub sounds wrong. Bourbon and beer however..right up my alley. After a couple of those, other "beads" could get involved and then you'd have yourself a party.
ReplyDeleteFunny schtuff in this blog, sir!
Somehow your whole bath tub routine just disgusts me. Not sure why..just does. Such self indulgence....There. I feel better.
ReplyDeleteWow. That sounds pretty decadent. Good call on the
ReplyDeletecold beer/iced bourbon in case you burn your nuts. I agree with everyone on the cheese. Have you considered spray cheese? Probably more resistant to moisture and can be reused for next bath.
Mine is similar to yours, but I also like to have musicians and dancers performing while I bathe.
ReplyDeleteCrotchpains - I forgot one thing. Your wife is usually in there sponging me.
ReplyDeleteElaina Wicks - Welcome to my blog.
ReplyDeleteWhile you are in there scrub REAL hard. You know. To wash the gay off you.
ReplyDeleteTo be best enjoyed, cheese should be left out until it reaches room temperature. Eating it in a steamy bath is probably the most efficient way to attain nirvana. Take that, naysayers.
ReplyDeleteSon of A - HAHA. You always make me laugh.
ReplyDeleteGwen - Tell those Naysayer bitches!
Do you have some sort of plank, or floating tray that you put these items on? Setting them beside the tub would involve a lot of twisting to get them.
ReplyDeleteAnd finally, "allow family to ridule bath routine at Christmas dinner." Oh yeah, "you must have a touch of the gay in ya, you queer."
ReplyDeleteYou are right to avoid bath beads. However, you should give careful consideration to bath salts, like Cloud Nine. I have read that kids in Europe are snorting the stuff to get high. Could take your bathing to a whole nother levahl.
ReplyDeleteYou seriously boil water before a bath? Little House on the Prarie boy...does each family member get in after you then?
ReplyDeleteThat is a whole lotta work for a bath considering you do it quite often!
I bought my son this http://tinyurl.com/2cpgstf for Christmas. He's also an ardent bath taker. God, I hope he's not gay too! (nttawwt)
All the preparation sounds exhausting, but must make the bath part extra relaxing. Except lifting heavy pots of boiling water.
ReplyDeleteAnd I had no idea you drowned your droid in the first week! Did you have to pay for another one?
Don't listen to Crotchpains, what does he know? I think the baths sound quite manly. Crotchpains doesn't take baths. I think he's afraid.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous #1 - I know who you are dummy. You gettin you ass kicked!
ReplyDeletePeggy- Sorry but he sounds gay.
ReplyDeleteKristen - I had to pay $75 insurance deductable for the new Droid. It killed me. I told them I'm a firefighter and the water damage was from a fire. Where I saved an infant. (Not really but should have)
Mrs C - (Marion Cunningham) Damn straight. He's afraid of his own shadow.
Like I'm scared of you, corn hmmm breath.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see that you added some one to sponge you b/c I was thinking you left out the hot attendee to hand you a towel....or at least the mention of a towel warmer.
ReplyDeleteAnd I may or may not have taken a tray of cheese with me into the bath.
Mad Woman - hot attendee eh?
ReplyDeleteDid you get the Bath and Body Works gift certificate we sent you for Winter Solstice day?
ReplyDeleteBahaha...just read your reply totally out of context cuz I couldn't remember what the hell we were talking about all the way back last week...long weekend...but I was still laughing my ass off. Did I miss your birthday dammit? Did you say it was the 8th?
ReplyDelete