So in my post about catchphrases, Lydia (Obsessive Girl) brought up a question about when guys pretend to hump couches and chairs. The Utah blogger asks:
Why is it that all guys hump shit? The couch? The corner? The wall? The dog? Me?
She goes on to say:
Just another tidbit. When I see guys hump chairs (or a couch, whatever...) I usually look at them and think, is that what they look like when they 'DO IT'? All uncoordinated and odd looking?
Well Lydia, do you know the scene in Knocked Up when Seth Rogan is on the phone and his friends are pretending to get it on with each other? When I'm around friends and we're drinking, this happens all the time. As for the way of doing it and how they look, if you take any guy out of context, his face is always going to look ridiculous. In fact, it's pretty creepy when it's in context if you ask me.
As for the uncoordinated and odd looking moves, I think when most guys are pretending they're humping a couch it's usually an all out - almost rape like hump. I like to mix it up a bit sometimes with the old cross eyed look. I also throw in the "lick the thumb and index finger then simulate twisting my nipples" move. The more repulsive - the better.
Would you rather them start with a little foreplay on the pillow? Then slowly, but ever so tenderly, reach around and start caressing the arm doily in a light, circular motion while breathing a bit heavier onto the back of the couch? Now THAT would be odd looking.
The worst is getting caught. I never got caught pretending to hump the couch but before Ms. Z and I were married, I was giving her the double boob squeeze and saying, "Honk left and honk right honk left and honk right" in a goofy voice. She wasn't mad. She just shook her head and rolled her eyes. Then my mom walked in. That's when she got pissed.
If I have to catch Big F humping the couch, I want it to be good. Lick me some pillows, caress the cushions like you mean it. Squeeze the charmin dammit.
ReplyDeletepeace
#2
Lovely Zibbs! Maybe I would prefer a little foreplay before, let's get the doily involved!
ReplyDeleteYou know what I would love to see, some guy try to choke himself with one hand while he is humping the couch. A little too weird, eh? I don't think so, it would make a great picture! His face would have to be just right though... I am not sure what the perfect face is. Is he enjoying it? Is he turning blue? Is it the "Oh shit, I'm going to cum face?"
Whoa! This is probably not PG-13 anymore, I better stop.
now if the couch lights up a cigarette, THEN we worry.
ReplyDeleteall of a sudden I am on into the couch humping talk.
ReplyDelete*lights cigarette*
Oh my, I picked a fun time to start reading your blog ;-)
ReplyDeleteMe! - welcome to my couch humping blog.
ReplyDeleteits seems the men get caught at it more often than the women... perhaps we should be leaning up against the washing machine and not the couch eh?
ReplyDeleteI never humped a couch but I did once sport wood on a rocking chair, does that count?
ReplyDeleteMyself and some guy who shall remain nameless watched "Knocked Up" the other night and while I found the 'pretending to hump each other' scene quite amusing, he found it HIGH-LARIOUS which proves that yes, it's a guy thing the humping business.
ReplyDeleteHump me, I'm scared!
ReplyDeleteIf they hump the back of the couch, does that simulate anal sex?
ReplyDeletehaha @ Giggle Pixie. I think it should simulate anal sex!
ReplyDeleteI always slap the couch on the ass and make it my bitch!
ReplyDelete(oh my, did I just share a bit too much?)
Chris, if this chair's a rockin, don't bother knockin!
ReplyDeleteActually, everyone looks ridiculous when they have sex, whether it's with another person, a couch, or baked goods. It's a good lesson not to take it too seriously. I think it's God's little joke.
My couch always has a headache.
ReplyDeleteI just tossed out the old couch for a newer younger model.
ReplyDeleteThis also explains where ottomans com from.
Nice punchline, Zibbo.
ReplyDeleteMy couch is a dirty whore that asks for it. It's really embarrassing when I have parties.
ReplyDeleteThe spot between cushions is a great place to get your freak on.
ReplyDeleteAnd I bet King Kong nailed a few windows on his way up the Empire State Building. I would have.
Sick, sick people here....
ReplyDeleteLOL
peace
#2
Yeah, that's it, I'm buying a new couch. This skanky old one has gotta go.
ReplyDeleteI really prefer to not look at the face, simulated or otherwise. It creeps me out.
ReplyDeleteI thought couch humping was like wresting or UFC - a perfectly acceptable excuse for a couple of straight dudes to touch each other. The nipple twist is also pretty hilarious. Nice touch(ing).
ReplyDeleteA couch doesn't mind if there's another couch in the room...
ReplyDeleteAV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
I rarely, if ever, hump shit. I hump myself quite often, but rarely inanimate objects. I guess my imagination lacks ;)
ReplyDeleteThe couch doesn't expect you to call the next day.
ReplyDeleteBut I digress.
J pretends to hump things, but he makes this ridiculous face that is an imitation of a dog humping. You know the look, "I'm humping you, but it's not fun, and I'm looking around to see what I want to sniff next."
He'd not enjoy this comment, I bet.
Doesn't the love seat get jealous?
ReplyDelete(Do you call them love seats in the states? You know - the smaller couch?)
I've never humped a couch (or any piece of furniture for that matter) but whenever the wife bends over, I like to faux-mount her from behind and start pumping away, waving my hand in a circle and shouting Yeeeeee-haaaa!
ReplyDeleteMy h.s gf masturbated by humping the corner of her mattress. She even did it for me once. Heh heh.
I like the 'honk left honk right' bit. The "tune in Tokyo" on the nipples hurts and they get mad.
Gwen is right about her couch...I've had her couch. And her love seat. Brown chicken, brown cow.
ReplyDeleteI'd prefer to BE humped on the couch...
ReplyDeletei taught my dog to hump everything in site. And my dog is a female. It's hilarious.
ReplyDeleteHimself does the boob-honking thing when he is trying to diffuse my annoyance. It usually works. Which annoys me more.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget about showing the "O" face, as in "Oh, oh, oh..."
ReplyDeleteOK, who is the person that left the Bingo comment on the Snapvine recorder? Cracking me up!
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend randomly humps things all the as a joke. I have just learned to accept it. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI just grabbed his leg and humped the hell out of it. Yeeee haw ride em cow grrl!
ReplyDeleteThe air hump is one my all time favorites...it gets the point across and there is almost no risk of bruising.
ReplyDeleteThis is admittedly a spin-off of couch humping, but the "honk 1, honk 2" got me thinking. I bet there are a lot of people that have similar boob stories. For example, my husband has on occasion lifted left,then right, then left to the tune of "George of the Jungle". I blame high school band flashbacks.
ReplyDelete