Get Your Tissues Out Babies. Willie Nelson.

Sometimes when you're really, really sad - nothing helps better than a sad song. Like Willie Nelson doing this:

If You Got Money For Plastic Surgery How Would You Spend It? Pecs.

I'm not sure if I'd ever get plastic surgery but who knows? Maybe in 15 years or something if my face gets all saggy and shit I might consider it.

But if someone gave me money now and said I HAD to spend it on some type of plastic surgery I MIGHT get a pec implant. Two of them. This of course is after two seconds of thought I just gave to it. I'm not even sure if they look good or not. I guess since I'm kind of thin I think it would look good on me.

Do straight guys even get pec implants? Or is it maybe even just for dudes that have that weird woman boob condition. Which I DO NOT have.

You see, the problem is, no matter how much I lift I can't get muscly. Not that I'm lifting now, but a few years ago I lifted religiously for about a year and a half. And I was eating tons of protein. If anyone else had done the same workout I swear they'd look like the Incredible Hulk. With me? You could only kind of tell.

I was also doing tons of running and biking at the same time so maybe that's part of it. I don't know.

Anyway....if someone gave you unlimited money for plastic surgery what would you get done?

The Content Of This Post Will Make You Mad. West Whiteland.

So check this out.

There was a really violent storm in Chester County, Pa on Thursday. It was so bad that it took down a huge tree in my neighbor's yard. I'm pretty bad at estimating height but it was over twice the size of a two story colonial home. It was a maple tree.

So I'm taking by Ipod walk that night and I approach the area where my "You got a problem Mutha Fucka?" incident happened. And I notice police tape around the area where the tree fell. Like an idiot, I duck under the police tape and continue walking.

I see people jumping up and down waving to me. It's a crowd of people that gathered to look at the damage. I take my ear buds out and their yelling, "THERE ARE LIVE WIRES IN THERE!"

Whoops. So I duck out of the danger area and continue my walk. OK. I know -it was stupid. I really wasn't thinking that there would be live wires.

Now a bit later I end up playing darts in Calhoun's garage with a few other neighbors. I leave about 11:30 but everyone else stays.

I find out the next day that after I left, they all smelled something burning. They said it smelled like when you're getting your teeth drilled at the dentist. They go out to investigate and there's a deer lying on one of the live wire's and he's being electrocuted.

They call 911 and the police arrive.

The next day came and my neighbor who was there for the ordeal says he drove by the deer at nine in the morning and it was still alive. Having convulsions on the wire. NINE HOURS LATER!

Can a body do that when it's dead or do you think it was still alive? And it if was still alive, aren't police supposed to shoot animals in that situation? I have no idea what the rules are in West Whiteland (Chester County, PA) but that is just wrong!

And guess what? The deer is now dead but it's still lying on the side of the road in my neighborhood. And they just yesterday covered it with some type of blanket. And it STINKS!

The whole incident stinks! Thanks for nothing West Whiteland.

Ladies and Gentleman..The Carpenters. Close To You.

Feel free to sing along.

Or sway.

A Pet Dying Sucks. We Love You Bingo.

I'm playing this short video of a puppy lab because I just found out my lab Bingo has cancer and we have to put him to sleep this week.

We just told the kids. This sucks.

Real Sex Talk From Doctor Before I Got Married. Being Clean.

Remember when I told you about the sex talk I got from my Dad? No? Click here to read it.

Well I just remembered the sex talk I got from my wife's family doctor when we went to get our blood tests before we got married.

We had been warned of this ridiculous sex talk from some of my wife's cousins and honestly, I thought they were exaggerating. But they weren't because it was as ridiculous as they said it would be.

Here are two parts that I remember. I just stared at a chart on the wall and tried with everything in me not to laugh as the 80 year old doctor said:

"Now Jim, there might be times when...when you're feeling a bit amorous. And you might come in the house from working on the car and you might feel the desire to just GRAB at your wife. You really shouldn't do that way. It's best to clean yourself up and start things slow. That's the best way."

"And you really should just stay away from anal sex. It's just dirty."

I swear this is true.

IPhone vs the Droid. There Are So Many Questions. Help Me Decide.

I just realized that my contract is up for Verizon so I was thinking about getting an IPhone. But then I looked at the Droid - specifically the Droid Incredible - and it looks really great too.

I guess the things that are keeping me away from the IPhone are:

- I've heard the phone services is bad ie dropped calls.
- I've been told they are now charging extra depending on the amount you download so its really not truly "unlimited".
- The Droid is supposed to have better voice to text capability which is great because then I can simply speak my precious tweets instead of typing them (and potentially damaging my beautiful fingers)

So let's here it. What are the pros and cons of each. Also, Droid 2 is coming out and it WILL have a keyboard. Do you like having the keyboard?

And lastly to see a video comparing the Droid and the IPhone - click here. (This is a different from the one I linked to on Twitter)

Would You Rather?.... Gorillas and A Tiny Leg Growing From Your Back.

Here are a few "would you rathers". Feel free to leave your answers in the comment section. If you're too lazy to answer all three, answer two...or even one.

Would you rather:

1) Make out with a tame gorilla for 10 minutes. The gorilla has been tamed and will NOT harm you.

2) Live with Shane Macgowan (original singer of the Pogues) for 1 month and have sex with him everyday.



Would you rather

1) Have only one tooth. And it's right there in the middle. And everyone could see it.

2) Have a 6 inch leg growing from your back (from your twin that died in the womb). Remember, you could conceal it if you wanted to.

Would you rather

1) Have the power of flight.

2) Have the power to turn invisible.

And if you have any would you rathers for me ask me in the comments area and I will answer them.

Bees. Oh They'll Get Ya! Bee Attack In West Whiteland.

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about bees. Pretend you were there as I retell the story:

My son was about five and my wife hears screaming coming from the backyard. She runs out and my son and his friend Kyle are running toward the house. They had stepped in a bees nest.

So my son gets in the house but Kyle is surrounded by bees and is being stung. And the bees are going up his pant leg and up his shirt.

Now I wasn't there but my wife was telling me the story when I got home from work. I'm like, "What did you do?"

She says, "I was really calm. I was like OK Kyle, let's pull you shirt off...OK here we go..Good...OK step out of your shorts...OK...as I walked him toward the house. I finally got his shirt and pants off and I pulled him into the house."

What?

I don't know how she stayed so calm. I really think I might have done this as my son ran into the house: "OK Kyle, Jack can't play now..OK..you just go home now. Alright?We've got some things to do..(as I pull the door shut)...come back tomorrow.

Well hopefully I wouldn't have done that but I could have seen myself saying, "JUST RUN AROUND THE HOUSE! BEES ARE SLOW! (as I watched from the inside of the house) THAT'S IT..FASTER! THE BEES ARE GETTING TIRED! I CAN TELL!"

Forgetting The Name Of Someone After You Hook Up. The Rat In West Chester.

On Twitter we were talking about when you hook up with someone and then you forget their name. Kind of like on that episode of Seinfeld.

How many times can you ask, "Wait...what's your name again?" So I would just start calling them by a nickname after a while. Although I'm sure it was obvious. Who know? And there was usually drinking involved so who really cares? I didn't.

But the worst was years ago when my friend Conner and I were out at The Rat in West Chester. He meets a girl and asks her out*.

Saturday comes and he's on the date. Here are the messages I get on my voicemail over the span of a half hour (note that this happened in the 1730's so there were no cell phones):

Conner(whispering): Jim. Jim. Hello? Pick up...I'm calling from a pay phone at the Malvern Meeting House. I'm on my date with that girl.

Conner(whispering): Jim. Are you there? What's the name of the girl I'm on the date with. I can't remember...

Conner (whispering but frantic): Jim! If you're there PICK. UP. THE. PHONE!!! What's the name of the girl I'm on the date with? My Uncle's at the restaurant and I can't remember her name and I'm going to have to introduce her to him!! ARE YOU THERE??

Well he did run into his Uncle and he had to say to his date, "I'm sorry but I totally forgot your name. What is it again?"

He said the expression on her face was, "You have GOT to be kidding me."

It was their last date.

Smooth. Real smooooth....

*I had a girlfriend at the time. That's why I didn't meet a girl. Just we're clear on that... But come to think of it, I'm the one that started talking to the girl and her girlfriend so....I guess that counts for something.

Why Do I Have To Get The Ultimate Deal On Everything? Ipods.

One of quirks is that I always have to get the ultimate deal on things I buy. Here are a few examples:

Trek Road Bike-
- Cost to buy new: $1300
- My cost: $350
- I found it advertised in the paper. The guy only rode it a few times.

Weber Grill-
- Cost to buy new: $700 with all of the accessories (including the rotisserie)
- My cost: $200
- Found ad in the paper. The people used it three times but were moving to
Florida and they didn't want to bring it for some reason.

Craftsman Riding Mower
- Cost to buy new: $1300
- My cost: $350
- Found it at a garage sale. Super rich Dad bought for his son that wanted to start a lawn cutting business but then the kid "got lazy."
(The sad thing with this purchase is that I have eight huge maple trees in my yard with roots so it actually took longer to cut the lawn with the rider. So I gave it to my Dad)

It's great to get deals on big ticket items but it seems that I do that for everything. I guess I'm always afraid that I'm going to see it cheaper somewhere else then I'll dwell it.

The problem is that I used to spend so much time researching stuff to get the best deal I was spending a ridiculous amount of time. Hours and hours. So I've really been trying not to do it anymore.

So last night on Ebay I bought the 160G Ipod. Because my Ipod just broke. It cost $214.99. I barely researched this product. I didn't spend hour comparing to see if I could get it cheaper. I just did the "Buy it now".

It should arrive in a few days. And I'm hoping that it's perfect because if it's not, Ima be pissed. And of course go back to analyzing every purchase.

Please say a prayer.

Brick House Responsible For New Baby. Car Dancing Issue

If you follow me on Twitter you know that I do a lot of car dancing.

I can't helps myself I tells ya!!

And sometimes it gets super sexy. Like when Brick House came on the other week..and I started going at it. How do I put this? Alright. I'll just come out with it. MY STEERING WHEEL IS PREGNANT!

It was totally unplanned so please...no gifts. We're not keeping it.

And this is the song that I hold responsible:

Half Wits On SCTV Cracked Me Up. John Candy And More!

I used to love SCTV. Here's a clip from SCTV. It's the show Half Wits. It's a bit long but hysterical. I always thought SCTV was better then the Early SNLs. There are a few good books on SCTV. I forget what they're called so just ask your librarian.

Now lets take a look at this clip. I just love the facial expressions on all of the contestants as they're trying to think of the answers.

And look at John Candy's hair and Joe Flaherty's nose. HAHAHAHA!!

Dummies.

Looking At People In Meetings More Than The General Population.

I was in a meeting earlier and as usual, I look at people throughout the course of the meeting.

Look at his socks. They're blue but he has black shoes on.

She's tired because she was at the shore.

Nice toenail polish.

His hair is weird.

Throughout the course of the meeting I do this. And I notice that some people hardly look around at all.

And it makes me think that I'm probably in the highest percentile of people that look around at other people - (number of looks per minute). Whether it's in a meeting, at a restaurant or wherever. It's not like I'm staring but I just need to take a quick glance. Then I move onto the next person. Or back to my pen. But if there's something interesting about the person I will "go back for seconds".

I wish I could see myself on videotape to see if I look like a total weirdo or if I look normal. Because I just look for a second. Maybe other people are doing the same thing but I don't think as much. Because I would catch them. You know...cause I'm always looking and everything.

Once in while though something weird will happen. I'll be at a restaurant or somewhere and I'll look at someone and they'll be looking at me. Then...I HAVE to look again to see if they're looking at me AGAIN*. And if they are, then I have to do everything in my power NOT to look at them even though I want to. I can do it for like five minutes then I'm about to burst so I take a quick peak. If they ARE looking again, then I get all paranoid. Unless I can convince myself that they were checking me out.

Does anyone else do this?

*this happened to me in 9th grade and I was looking at some huge football upperclassman and he finally yelled across the cafeteria, "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?". (I said "No")