Monday, December 8, 2008

Real Sex Talk From My Dad - I'm Not Pulling Your Leg On This One



I'm always brushing up on my sexual technique and knowledge. Whether it be reading the latest journal articles on positions and trends, trying new stretches to keep myself limber or catching up on the new costumes that the kids are wearing these days. A Warren G. Harding outfit? You're kidding me.

Well it got me thinking about the real life sex talk that I got in about 5th or 6th grade from my Dad. He was obviously put up to it by my mom. I swear this happened.

(My Dad comes into my bedroom and shuts the door)

Dad: Son, I need to talk to you about something.

Me: What?

Dad: Put the your cards away.

Me: They're not cards. They're Wacky Packages.

Dad: ....Just put them away for now. Do you know anything about sex?

Me: (looking at shoe) Yeah.

Dad: (pulling collar) Are there any parts that you have questions on.

Me: ...No....uh. Not really.

Dad: You see son...um....every 24 - 28 days or so a woman menstruates. And.....Well...

Me: (still looking at shoe but the topic of menstruation makes me look at the other shoe)

Dad: ...Well, when someone like your mother or...or your sisters ....or anyone really...is menstruating - having a period that is....they're...well they're very sensitive. In the lower abdomen region.

Me: Uh huh.

Dad: ...So.....basically...what I'm saying here is you don't want to uh....be rough housing with a woman and under no circumstances should you ever punch a woman in the stomach....that's uh....that's about it I guess for now.

Me: OK.

64 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahaha, laughing my ass off. Your poor father. He got it a little wrong though by not adding, "Son, the thing is, don't be roughhousing a woman at that time of the month because SHE WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF AND STOMP ON IT, before eating all the chocolate in the state."

The Guv'ner said...

"Son, don't even be TALKING to a woman at that time of the month or she will bite your head off and stomp on it!" :)

teri said...

so, everything you learned about sex you learned from your wife?

the family dog?

Kez said...

Whoa! Are you totally scarred for life?! Hilarious.
My friend told me when she turned 16 (they had been avoiding it for a while)both her parents got her together and made her go for a walk with them in the park.
They told her about sex in a really awkward manner and now she's scared about ever walking in a park with them ever again!
She says she went straight home and said to her little sister:
"If mum and dad ever want to take you for a walk in the park, say NO! Don't go with them!!!"

SkylersDad said...

Beats the talk my dad gave me:

"Son, women are psycho and just best avoided, got it?"

CSquaredplus3 said...

Our oldest son is 11 so we've been discussing how to handle this. Your lesson sounds painful... for you AND your father. Funny story.

JDizzle said...

My Dad gave me "the talk" too. And I'm a girl! Soooo embarrassing. And both M&D made me and my sisters watch "The Miracle of Life." That sex documentary where you see a real life birth at the end. I guess that's part of the reason I don't have kids.

a striver for sanity said...

As a kid, I had silkworms for pets. You can keep them in a shoe box, feed them mulberry leaves and as moths, their bodies are too heavy to fly. One day I was watching two silkworm moths "fight", or so I thought, when my mom came into the room. She looked shocked, told me to shhhh, and not tell the neighborhood kids about this. End of sex talk. If she ever elaborated about sex, I must have blocked it out totally because that is all I remember.

Chris said...

He
Could
Go
All
The
Way....

Nice job, Zibbs, time to vote for the Drysdales and you nailed it.

Dale said...

Oh my.

Vodka Mom said...

all men are stupid.

Vodka Mom said...

and, I am laughing my ass off by the way.

Smoochies said...

I don't remember the showing of that video Jdizzle, I must have blocked it out and for good reason, I couldn't have been more than 8 years old!

Dad gave me the "sex talk" too. Where the hell was mom and why wasn't she talking to her daughters?! Except he didn't get past the first sentence. He started with "See Smoochies, there's a certain amount of penatration that happens during sex." I ran out of the room at that very moment yelling "NOOOO!!!".

Talk about severly messed up in the head. TMI? maybe...

Caffeine Court said...

My mom had a very serious "sex talk" with my sister and I and my sister has no recollection of it.

When we were in high school my sister told my mom, "You never told me anything. Everything I know about sex I learned on the street."

How's that for sticking a knife in mom's heart???

Sass said...

My dad sat me down and told me sex was like a stop sign. You couldn't expect to be driving all fast and then just slam on the brakes and stop. You had to slow down before you got to the stop sign so you'd be able to make a complete stop.

I have no clue.

My friend's dad told her sex was like potato chips. You eat one, and then you want another, and next thing you know, you've eaten the whole bag and you're fat.

Dr Zibbs said...

Sass - HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA. That Potato chip line just had me laughing my ass off!

Divine Chaos said...

mom came to talk to me when I was about 14 or 15, I think. She came in the night, left the lights off, and sat on the edge of the bed. The conversation in its entirety was: "you probably know more about sex from reading the bathroom walls than I can tell you ... do you have any questions?"

"Nope, thanks"

She heaved a sigh of relief and fled the room. I'm not sure which bathroom walls she thought I was reading .. but apparently there are some very informative ones out there.

sista #2 said...

So that's how it goes???

No wonder Im so sensitive down there........


peace
#2

Slyde said...

now THAT was great!

my parents spared me the talk, thank god. they sent me to a class after school one day, and that was that.

Slyde said...

p.s. i'd kill to still have my wacky packages collection. i loved those fucking things!

MelO said...

LMAO! WOW. What a pep talk. Wacky Packages? What the...?

So... eating all those potato chips, sass... Does Fat=Slut in this case?

Crys said...

srsly? that was your birds-and-bees talk?

awesome. i love your dad.

(please don't punch me in the stomach when i'm menstruating, fyi. i totally agree.)

Crys said...

JDizzle: but did YOUR dad take you to your first gynie appointment?

yeah. srsly.

"thanks dad for helping me to learn about my virginia."

Ali said...

Bwahahahahaha!!! Seriously? That's the sex talk you got?

Your dad told you not to punch women in their lower abdomen region?!?!?

Oh. Can't stop laughing.

Sorry, hard to compose myself, that was great :)

This was my sex talk (I was 12):

Mom: You know sex?
Ali: Yeah?
Mom: Don't do it.
Ali: Uh...
Mom: I mean it.

Cameron said...

Damn it....I wish I knew this like 12 years ago....I would still be with that hot chick with the big, um...woohaws.

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Oh God - this post is making me flashback to one highly disturbing conversation I had with my parents about "blue balls" after my little sis ratted me out that I was french kissing my boyfriend in our swimming pool.

If I'm brave enough, I may post it one day.

Hmmm...

~E said...

No, you really don't want to punch women in the stomach when they're menstruating.

What you should do is punch them in the chest or back, somewhere easily hideable when the bruises start popping up!

Chele said...

so son, if you are feeling down a woman´s private areas there is a thick pad like a diaper in her underwear or a string coming out of her vagina, get out as quick as possible OK?

words words words said...

I think this is the same sex talk Ike Turner gave his kids.

J.J. in L.A. said...

They offered sex ed classes in 6th grade and I begged my parents to sign the permission slip. I knew they'd never give me the talk because they hadn't ever talked to my 6 older siblings. I was REALLY excited!

But, hell, I knew more from listening to my brothers talk than they discussed in that class.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

The night I got married, I was 23, I had to ask my father in front of his older brothers, "Dad, isn't there something you're supposed to tell me about now?" Dad didn't see the funny side at all, his brothers thought it was hilarious.

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/

Cora said...

Frightening.

My talk went like this:

Mom (blushing and whispering): "Ummm.... Do you know what.... uhh.... sex (she flinches) is?"
Me (suspicious): "Mm-hmm. Why?"
Mom (about to pass out from horror): "Well, don't do it. Okay?"
Me: "Uhh...."
Mom (who can't even look me in the face): "Just don't do it"
Me (weirded out beyond belief): "Okay"
Mom: "And don't trust boys either. Ever! They just want to.... umm.... experiment.... and try it out"
Me: "Like scientists?"
Mom: "No. Like idiots"
Me: "M-kay"

And my friends wonder why I'm single.

katrocket said...

At least he didn't lecture you about touching yourself "down there".

buffalodick said...

My talk went like this; "You know about that stuff?" "Yep" "Good"...

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Do you always look at your shoes when your not paying attention?
Just askin'

Happy Tuesday

- Jennifer

Son of a Thomas said...

My mother told me about sex. Very clinical like with all the highbrow words to describe human parts. About mid way thru I blurted out "When are you porking?" It stopped there.

slopmaster said...

I honestly believe that is the best dad son talk I've every heard. He got right to the important stuff. You have a good dad my friend.

moooooog35 said...

Wow.

NOW you tell me this.

Gwen said...

I was handed a flyer from ob tampons and told to ask questions later if I had any. I was horrified and stuffed it in a junk drawer.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I can proudly say that I was the parent that gave BOTH my children "the talk" separately. I wanted it to be informative and easy, which I hope it was. Both were horrified, but I have no regrets and we kind of chuckle about it to this day.
You got more info than me. My mom asked me if I knew about "the birds and the bees" and I told her I did and that was the end of it. I learned about it from my friends, pretty much like every other kid in my day.

BTW- where have you been? Are we on the outs-you and me-and I just didn't know it??

Miss Alex said...

BAHAHAHAH that shit made ME uncomfortable and i'm quite the slut LOL

SouthernBelle said...

Awww, the sex talk is always gold.

We had the book "Where did I come from?" which just lays out all the basic facts with some jaunty cartoons, and then some sex ed in 6th grade.

At about 12 or 13 I got a talk from my mum that was basically "Don't do anything until you're married." and at 16 (when I finally had a boyfriend), an excruciating one from my dad where he couldn't look at me, much less look me in the eye, and just told me that if I was "doing anything", he hoped I was "being sensible".

Kimmie said...

I sure do miss my Wacky Packages.

That was hilarious!

saratogajean said...

"...under no circumstances should you ever punch a woman in the stomach"

Oh man, words to live by.

franki said...

My mom told me that red-headed men would give me a fever, so your dad's advice seems pretty good if you ask me.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Wacky Packages rock! I loved them and they adorned my bedroom door for many years. They still make them and every Christmas I stuff my kids stockings with a few packs. They never quite caught on like when we were kids.

Whiskeymarie said...

All I remember is that I was confused for years after the "talk". I didn't understand where salmon fit into the picture.

I think I get it now...

Giggle Pixie said...

I always thought you had a wacky package.

My mom NEVER gave me a sex talk. In 5th grade when we watched that movie at school and got a "starter kit for your 1st period", complete with a little booklet that explained all about "becoming a woman" I brought it home and showed her, and she reached in the closet and handed me a box of Kotex that she had been "saving for me", and that was it.

Kate said...

And punching a woman in the stomach is okay at other times? This is hilarious!

Dr Zibbs said...

These comments are acll cracking me the hell up but look what ~E and Chele wrote! Classic!

Dr Zibbs said...

Oh yeah, and Words, Words Words comment had me falling off of my chair too!

Fancy Schmancy said...

I've been waiting for this for months! Well worth the wait, thanks!

sj said...

wait. the only time you can't punch her in the stomach is during one time of the month?

or was it ever?

i guess that's not the time to have a real thorough Q&A.

i don't think i ever got the sex talk. i do, however, remember trying to figure it all out by the diagram in the tampons box. and my parents left books like "man's body" and "human sexuality" available to us on the book shelves in our library. so i was pretty much raised to be a sexually repressed book nerd.

funny how that worked out.

INNER VOICES said...

my father came into my room, gave me a massive bag of condoms and said: "don't make me a grandfather."


"thanks dad, but my girlfriend is on the pill"

i was in sixth grade.

Alexa said...

should you ever punch a woman in the stomach!??! classic. and classy. an amazing combination.

B.E. Earl said...

That's a hell of a lot more than my folks ever told me.

I'm still not sure when exactly the stork shows up to drop off the baby after you touch a woman's breast.

Falwless said...

hahahaha Earl!

gorillabuns said...

Obviously I never had the sex talk when growing up.

Andrew Rodriguez said...

My dad worked for NASA at the Kennedy Space Center, so my sex talk consisted of analogies to docking in Space, Liquid Hydrogen lines that fueled the external tank, quick disconnect ground electrical power lines, male and female plugs, and something called "a donkey dick"....

Bluez said...

I was handed a pamphlet entitled "The Catholic Guide to Sex"

there was no conversation.

But I had a brother and 3 sisters so I knew something was up...

Some Guy said...

At age 36 I'm still waiting for my talk. All I have to go on at this point is scrambled late-nite Cinemax.

Maybe I should give my dad a call...

sista #2 said...

ROFL Andrew.....I spit my drink out!


Bunch of funny fucks reading you blog Zibbs.....these folks make me proud!!!


peace
#2

Dr Zibbs said...

Sista #2 - Best commentors ever.

H said...

I never got the talk from my parents b/c they figured it was covered in PSR and all girls catholic high school...well at least the rhythm method.

So anyway, when I got my first serious college b/f freshman year my mom told me that if I ever got the urge to do it with him that I should go in my dorm room alone, lock the door and use my hand. Yep. That was the extent of my sex talk.