New Jersey Transit Worker Slaps Down Gypsy. Newark Penn Station Bathroom.

People can be jerks. This weekend as I'm sat down on a New Jersey Transit train two gypsies got on. I'm assuming they were gypsies. If they weren't they were  Czechoslovakian or Polish. I could tell by the accent. But I hid my wallet just in case. But anyways....

They get on the train and they're gabbing it up and laughing. Then the train starts to move and the older lady starts screaming and runs to the window, "blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!" (Sorry. I'm a bit rusty on my Gypsy). She's practically crying. 

It was obvious either her friend or husband or someone missed the train. She calls him up and is screaming. Freaking out really. This goes on for a few minutes until the New Jersey transit ticket guy comes by and says, "Tickets. Pull out your tickets." In broken English and in pure desperation she says, "My friend missed train! He did not get on!"

In the most degrading - most dismissive way - and in a New Jersey accent so thick it would make The Situation sound like Michael Caine* he says, "Hey, it's why we got a little thing called schedules. Tell your friend next time we leave at 9:01." And he just struts down the aisle.

YOU DIIIIIIIIIIIICK!

I swear I wanted to punch the guy. I'm all for trains starting on time but there was hardly anyone else on the train. He could have at least told her what the next stop was or said something in a nice way. What a jerk. 

But for a person like me - Mr Always On Time - I wish everything ran on an exact schedule. 

(And in other weekend news I saw a homeless dude in the bathroom standing with his pants down in front of the Newark, NJ train station sink wiping down the inside of his legs with toilet paper)

(And even even more weekend news my girlfriend and I were in the Gap dressing room and she got me in such a laughing fit that when we came out this 9 year old girl was standing there staring at us with this look of, "What the hell is so funny you immature adults????)

*I don't think The Situation is even from Joisy but you get the idea.

Tuna Hoagie Incident. TRUE STORY. The Old Switcharoo.

Wait till you hear this. Do you see that sandwich above? It's the tasty Bobbie from Capriotti's Sandwich Shop in Exton. Roasted turkey with stuffing and cranberry sauce. Trust me. It's really good.

So here's what happened. I had one the other day and since I'm not a pig I ate one half and saved the other half to bring to work. Next day I bring it to work and put it in the work fridge. Lunchtime comes and I eagerly reach into the fridge, pull out the hoagie and open it. Anticipation.

What?? What the?? Who replaced my Bobbie with a tuna hoagie?! God damn it! Someone at my house must have eaten my Bobbie or moved it and I accidently grabbed my son's tuna hoagie from my home fridge and brought it in! And I open up the tuna hoagie and guess what is covering the tuna? Jalapenos! Who the F covers their tuna hoagie with jalapeno? And the jalapeno's were carefully placed on the sandwich as if when my son ordered it he instructed the sandwich artist to line the jalapeno's up perfectly. And it it was a Subway sandwich too. Maybe it was Jared's stupid idea. And I hate Subway.

Well I'm hungry so I decide to eat it. Not THAT bad. But halfway through I get grossed out because what if it's a few days old? Or my son left it in the car for a while? I've got this fear about eating old or gross fish. So after a few bites I just chuck the thing in the trash.

A few hours pass and a light bulb goes off over my head. Could it be? No. Well I better go check. I go to the work fridge, reach in and pull out a bag that's been pushed to the very back. I open it and see the red stain of cranberry coming through the paper. I didn't eat my son's sandwich I hate a fellow employee's sandwich!! WHAAAA?!

Then I was all paranoid they were going to try and track down who did it. As if I just opened the fridge and said, "I wonder what I should eat today? Oh. A tuna hoagie. That should do the job."  I'm just glad the tuna hoagie owner didn't see me eating it. How do you get out of that one?

The next day I was telling a friend about what happened and we were laughing so hard that later I made up this fake sign and told her it was taped to the work fridge and I emailed it to her.

"Please DO NOT throw out or eat food that is not yours. If your unsure if it is yours please ask! Thanks."

After we had a good laugh I told her I wrote it. Then we laughed even harder. Note the spelling error I added to the note (ie: "yours").

I love this note because it makes it as though the person who had their sandwich eaten thinks people are so dumb that they might forget what they actually brought in for lunch therefore have to "ask around" to double check. "Hmm. Did I bring a peanut butter sandwich, a yogurt or a chicken pot pie? I forget."

I've Got A Confession. That Man Is A Nuisance. Gum.

I've got a confession. OK. Well first off, let me start by saying that I've never smashed a bottle against a wall. I don't throw trash out of my car window. I don't do graffiti. Well, unless you're talking back in the day. I used to leave tons of pen drawn graffiti in bathroom stalls at school. But that was more like art. Entertainment for the masses so lets not count that.

But there is one thing I do that I'm not proud of. Sometimes when I'm done chewing gum I'll discreetly drop it on the ground in a parking lot. Something about the idea of someone stepping it then just cracks me up. Does that make me a dick? Maybe. I just can't help myself I tells ya!

Kid: I stepped in gum!

Mom: Oh Timmy why don't you watch where you're going! (as if everyone can spot a piece of gum). Let me see....Oh my God what a mess!

The mom then takes a tissue out of her purse to try and clean it off. As if THAT'S going to work.

A content Zibbs watches the scene from the bushes.

Actually I would feel bad if a kid stepped in it. In my head only assholes step in it. A 50 year old blabbermouth yenta. An old racist factory worker named Bob. Brice, the playground bully. Wow. When you look at it that way I'm kinda performing a public service.

And on other gum dropping related news I remember years ago working with this goody goody chick and she stepped in gum in the parking lot and said, "Oh my God! I stepped in gum! Who DOES that?! Why would anyone DO that?!!"

You had to hear how she said it. She was so horrified at the thought that she lives in a society where someone would drop a piece of gum. It's as if she just discovered her tires were slashed and pig's blood thrown all over her windshield.  Listen sweetheart. It's gum. Get  over it OK?

The Dude That Makes My Pork Sandwich Is A Dick.

So some Sundays I drive and get this tasty ass pork sandwich. And the dude that makes the pork sandwich has a major attitude.Like he’s pissed that he has to make it for me. I should be pissed at HIM. Jerk. I’ve learned the basic questions that he asks so I order in the way to answer the questions he asks EVERYTIME but he still doesn’t listen.

Here’s how it goes:

Miserable Sandwich Maker: So what do you want? (as if I’m taking up his time)

Me: One pork sandwich with cheese and hot peppers.

Miserable Sandwich Maker: Just one?

Me: Just one.

(Then he starts to make it. In slow motion. If he sees something that interests him he stops preparing the sandwich and looks off in the distance at the thing that interests him. Then he slowly goes back to making it).

Miserable Sandwich Maker: You want hot peppers on this?

Me: Yes (even though I already told him)

Then, when he’s done he shoves that bag in my face and with attitude and without making contact says, “Here you go Pal.”

So do you know what I do? When I go in and pay it goes like this:

Cashier: Yes what’s in the bag?

Me: A pork sandwich.

Cashier: With cheese?

Me: No.*

Sticking it. To. The. Man.

Now I know I’m only ripping them off for 80 cents but that more than makes up for the dude being a dick. Don’t you think?

Except I thought I was going to get busted last week because he asked me if I wanted cheese (after I already stated I did) and he went inside. A few minutes earlier he told me to go pay for it while he was making the sandwich. I already told the cashier I didn’t have cheese so I started to panic. Like he was on to me and was going in to check if I stated that I wanted cheese. Then maybe call the fuzz.

But he came back out. Turns out he had just ran out of cheese and was getting more.

If he called me on it I was gonna act all groggy and confused and say, “Cheese? What? Oh sorry. I didn’t know what she was asking.”

Phew!

* Sometimes I feel like getting cocky when they ask if I have cheese and in a loud, bellowing voice say, “Do I have cheese on this sandwich? Not me. Nope. Just pork and long hot peppers. Just those two ingredients. You see… I don’t care too much for cheese mind ya’. Watching the ole’ waist line if you know what I mean. So no. The answer to that question concerning the addition of cheese is absolutely not. I do NOT have cheese on this sandwich. Now please tally up my pork and pepper sandwich so we can settle this transaction and I can be on my merry - cheese free - way.

Idiot Kanye West Arrested At LAX

Kanye West doesn't like paparazzi. This dope picked the worst day to be a dick at an airport - Sept. 11. To read the CCN story and see video of him smashing the camera of the paparazzi, click here.