New Jersey Transit Worker Slaps Down Gypsy. Newark Penn Station Bathroom.

People can be jerks. This weekend as I'm sat down on a New Jersey Transit train two gypsies got on. I'm assuming they were gypsies. If they weren't they were  Czechoslovakian or Polish. I could tell by the accent. But I hid my wallet just in case. But anyways....

They get on the train and they're gabbing it up and laughing. Then the train starts to move and the older lady starts screaming and runs to the window, "blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!" (Sorry. I'm a bit rusty on my Gypsy). She's practically crying. 

It was obvious either her friend or husband or someone missed the train. She calls him up and is screaming. Freaking out really. This goes on for a few minutes until the New Jersey transit ticket guy comes by and says, "Tickets. Pull out your tickets." In broken English and in pure desperation she says, "My friend missed train! He did not get on!"

In the most degrading - most dismissive way - and in a New Jersey accent so thick it would make The Situation sound like Michael Caine* he says, "Hey, it's why we got a little thing called schedules. Tell your friend next time we leave at 9:01." And he just struts down the aisle.

YOU DIIIIIIIIIIIICK!

I swear I wanted to punch the guy. I'm all for trains starting on time but there was hardly anyone else on the train. He could have at least told her what the next stop was or said something in a nice way. What a jerk. 

But for a person like me - Mr Always On Time - I wish everything ran on an exact schedule. 

(And in other weekend news I saw a homeless dude in the bathroom standing with his pants down in front of the Newark, NJ train station sink wiping down the inside of his legs with toilet paper)

(And even even more weekend news my girlfriend and I were in the Gap dressing room and she got me in such a laughing fit that when we came out this 9 year old girl was standing there staring at us with this look of, "What the hell is so funny you immature adults????)

*I don't think The Situation is even from Joisy but you get the idea.

"I Almost Crapped My Pants" - A True Story.

So I've seen a few stories about people crapping their pants on various blogs lately and to show that I'm as human as the next guy, I will share this story. Below is the story if I had written it in a diary on a train.

Dear Diary,

The meeting in New York at Avon went great today. My product presentation went as planned and Marketing did a great job as well. They even had me go through a soon to be released catalog and asked me to brainstorm ideas for some line extensions. They were impressed.

Yeah. Perfect until IT happened. We left the meeting and went to lunch. And as we're walking back to Penn Station...this is embarrassing but I had the sudden feeling like I was going to shit my pants! What Diary? No you can't just "go into a building and go to the bathroom in New York you hay seed".

All of the buildings have security, plus we were late for the train and I didn't know that new chick from Marketing well enough to tell her that I need to get to a bathroom because I'm going to shit my pants.

Trust me, the situation went from bad to code red. I was thinking about lies that I could say,

"A friend of mine works here. I'm just going to catch the next train to Philly. Yeah I know we all drove from the office to the train station. It's OK. I'll just walk the 45 miles home from Philly."

I swear I found religion that day because I was praying to whoever would listen that if they got me through this, I'd be a better person. I had to. There would have been no hiding it. I was about to explode. I was thinking that if it happened, I would say that I have cancer. What? People with cancer don't lose control? I don't know! Did I tell you that it was a code red? And I couldn't think straight?

So as we're walking, I'm trying to look for any building that I could duck into. I'm saying, "Please, please, please don't let this happen! PLEASE!" And I'm starting to sweat. I hardly ever sweat!

Anyways, it was a miracle because somehow, someway, things subsided. The bubbling stopped. I'm now sitting on the train. Safe. And will now have a greater respect for life. And I will try to be a better person and...HEY...look at that bum with the Mr T shirt!...Bwahahahahahhaa.

Obama Train To Washington - Not Georgia

Greetings web surfer of the world wide Internet of the webs. Were you searching for Obama's train route from Philadelphia to Washington that CNN is talking about on the TV right now? Sure you were.

Hi. I'm the Internet's Dr Zibbs. You may have heard of of me. Well take a break from your road to the Whitehouse inauguration watching and check out this other train related thing: The Midnight Train To Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Pips.

I wish I could have those Pips follow me around for a week and just repeat everything I said like they do in this song. And I would just pretend I didn't know they were there. How great would that be? Mmmmm-hmmmm. Pretty great. To view it, click here. And if you want to see an Obama lookalike dancing on Soul Train, click here.