Longwood Gardens. Smells. Flowers in Chester County. Concerts.

YO LADY! Get the hell out of my backyard!!! Just kidding. That image above is from Longwood Gardens in Southern Chester County. It's a world class garden in Chester County. The Duponts used to live there mind you.

Rich SOB's.

I was there the other week and thought I'd share the images with you.

And do you see what flowers in the front? Hyacinths. They're probably my favorite smell in the world. Whenever they're in bloom I cut them and put them in my car because I like the smell so much. I wonder if they make a perfume with that stench because I would totally start to make out with some chick if she wore that. Unless it was some old bat. Or a butterface chick....or....OK I'd be selective but you know what I mean.

What's your favorite smell? And don't say my pits.

And here's another picture:

Wow! It's a stage at Longwood Gardens. They've been having concerts there. How great would it be to see a concert in this paradise? Rufus Wainwright, Etta James and Boz Scaggs are all scheduled to be there soon. I like all three of them. Why don't you buy me a ticket and take me there? I'll totally do it.

Except you smuggle in the weed. I'm way too important for the big house unless I can be like the wiseguys on Goodfellas and be able to make my own food. And I would totally do the shaving garlic deal with the razor blade. You'll see.

And lastly, as a celebrity I was invited to attend an important event there in May. I'm still deciding whether to go. We'll see.

Chester County Blogger Helps Lovers With Valentine's Day Prep.

If a blog post is written and nobody reads it, does anyone laugh? OK. That makes no sense but here's a blog post I wrote last Valentine's Day when I only had four readers. Tell me what you think. It still cracks me up. Maybe it'll help some of you clumsy lovers to prepare for Valentine's Day 2009.

Valentine's tips are easy to find online. We thought we'd ask THAT BLUE YAK'S fork lift operator Ernie Melson to share some of his wisdom with us this February 14th. Here are the tips he scribbled on a bag while "pinchin' one off". (By the way we call him Vic because he looks like Vic Taybak)

OK, here we go wid a couple doos and don'ts:

1) Treat your dame like a lady on this day.

2) Don't try to be funny on this day. Don't give your lady a card wid two black people running down the beach - no offense Earl. Unless if use is like Earl - black and all. White people - play it safe wid whites on the card. Mulatto? Use is on your own.

3) Don't get her a drill. Even if it makes complete sense that use was gonna make her the planters she's been bitchin' about using the drill.

4) Don't toss the gift to her. Hand it to her all gentleman style and such.

5) Play it safe and go with flowers. I got mine at Produce Junction in Exton as seen in the poloroid above. $10. Can't beat that except when I had to buy them last because I asked her if her jeans shrunk, theys was only $6.

6) If she's goin to Exton anyways, don't make the mistake of saying, "hey, pick yourself up some roses at Produce Junction" no matter how much it makes sense to you.

7) Don't make the mistake and walk over to the Dollar Store and put $20 worth of things in a bag for her as another gift. And it don't matter your effort either if you try to make it all romantic by pulling the dollar stuff out and gettin all clever like, "Our love is like a sponge and all" as you show her the sponge.

8) Call her classy at least 5 times during the day. Check off the times you do it by marking off the number of times on a piece of paper or matches or something. Remember not to let her see you marking off the number of times because then she's gonna say it doesn't count or something.

9) Say, "You smell good -what are you made of roses and flowers and junk." Look up from the T.V. when you say it.

10) Say to her, "Hold on, I'm callin' heaven because I think an angel escaped and shit." Don't try to then catch her wid a fishin' net to make it more believable especially if you're about to leave for the Red Lobster and she's already dolled up and stuff.

Follow these tips and you'll probably be able to be gettin' it on later wid out liftin' a meat hook on her.