Invention Idea For Secretly Taking Pictures of People. Lookalike At Victory Beer.

So I was out with my son the other night getting some food at Victory Beer and....

Me: Hey look. I didn't know your Uncle Mike was here.

Son: (looks at dude who is actually a lookalike) Haha. I was thinking the same thing.

Me: (referring to his necklace) And looks like the Sasquatch sized Uncle Mike is into jewelry.

Son: Dad, Sasquatch Uncle Mike likes to call it "bling."

And the sad thing is....I would have LOVED to get a photo but didn't know how to do it discreetly. That's what sucks with cameras on phones. You see a perfect, photo ready specimen and you can never get their picture. Sure, you can wear an Abe Lincoln type hat and conceal it in there but who the hell wants to go through THAT trouble? ...and you have to set the timer..No thanks!

So my idea is a camera that's built into one of those nerdy ass bluetooth ear pieces. And you look at your phone to control the direction of the camera. And when you have your photo specimen in view? ...Click. Captured. On your phone.

Seriously don't know why this hasn't been invented. I would have a blog just of lookalikes and freaks that I see. Well, I guess we'll have to wait for the world of tomorrow.

Stupid Invention My College Roommate Came Up With. Toothpicks.

One of my roommates in college was an idiot. I come into the room one day and he’s like, “Can I show you something?”

I’m like, “Yeah OK.” I could tell he was excited.

He walks over to his desk and comes back with a folder. “I’ve got an idea for an invention.”

I’m kind of thinking, “Oh no. This is gonna suck.”

The pitch begins. “So do you know how toothpicks are just plain. Like just wooden? They’re just small, boring sticks really. But what if you had this?” He pulls out a piece paper with a colorful toothpick drawn. Kind of like a candy cane. But tooth picky. “Flavored toothpicks!”

“Oh really?”

He proceeds to show me his various designs. He even had measurements drawn out. As if people don’t know how big a toothpick is. He’s all excited. And I’m thinking, “This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” He then goes onto show me a list of manufacturers that he’s planning on contacting. *thought bubble over my head: please record the calls. Please record the calls.*

I’m like, “Not to put you down Dave but I’ve worked at restaurants and they buy toothpicks and matches….all that stuff in bulk. I bet a restaurant orders toothpicks once every five years. And they probably order them from a place that supplies them with tons of other crap, like matches, straws..you know.”

“Yeah but they’re not FLAVORED toothpicks.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t think anyone cares. Think about it. It’s kind of dumb.”

“Yeah? You don’t know!” He puts his papers back into his invention folder and storms away. It was never mentioned again.

And NO, he’s not a toothpick tycoon now. I guess I killed the dream.

Footprints In Sand Jesus Invention. I'm On An Inventing Roll.

And now - another invention....

Pretend you're in a board room and I'm presenting. Here we go:

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you know, the Christians are a gullible bunch. They do love that ridiculous "Footprints in the Sand" poem don't they? Don't they?

(looks at guy looking out the window throws a donut at him)

Tubby I need your full attention!

(The group gets nervous and gives me their full, well deserved attention)

Now - there are a lot of Footprints in the Sand products out there but they're all collectible junk. Sculptures, t-shirts, necklaces and massagers.

But there isn't this.

(I then slowly - olde style pulley style - pull up the white veil that reveals my creation. The creaky pulley sound adds to the drama)

My friends... I give you THE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND REAL LIFE FOOTPRINT KIT.

Now let me explain what it is (paces room). As you know from the poem, there are four footprints in the sand then there are two. Well this contraption that attached to the shins of the wearer actually leaves four footprints in the sand. Then, after you've got Jesus followers following you, you pull up the two feet and then there are only two! The extra two feet compactly hide themselves into a backback that you're wearing.

The bible holding people that have been following you will then see the two footprints and believe that Jesus is actually carrying you. Just like in the poem! Imagine the hilarity as you hide in the dunes and chuck shit at them!

Of course it takes a while to work and get the hang of the contraption - like stilts - but trust me. After a few weeks at my camp, I'm assured that even uncoordinated people will be able to work this thing.

(wait for applause and attacks from believers).

P.S. I'm thinking about saying something like "Taa Daa" at the end but I need to work it out a bit and make sure that doesn't sound stupid.

How Are You Celebrating the Holiday Today? Chester County Sandpaper.

Do you believe it's the anniversary of the invention of sandpaper again? It was on this day in 1834 that it was invented.

Time flies doesn't it?

So how are you celebrating? I know what I'm doing. I'm making my badself a costume made completely of sandpaper (with the exception of toilet paper cores for the eyes) and I'm going to march around the Chester County.

If you see me - give me a friendly wave and I'll toss you some hard candy. You know - like it's a parade and shit.

Dream Machine That Someone Should Invent. Mexican Gang.

I've always had really weird dreams. So weird that I think some people think I'm just making it up when I tell them.

I wish someone would invent a machine that could be hooked up to someones brain and record their dreams. Then you could watch them like you're watching TV. If they did, here's what you could have been watching if you were tuned to the Dr Zibbs Dream Channel last night:

I was in Mexico and I was trapped in a car. I couldn't get out because these dogs were trying to attack me. The dogs finally left and I was able to get out.

Once out of the car though, this gang approached me and they said they were going to kill me. They walk away to prepare themselves and this weird guy approaches me and tells me that I (like him) have the ability to transform into any creature thus helping me defend myself against the gang that's going to kill me.

So the weird guy says, "You can change..just like this"...

He spins around and all of a sudden he looks like Santa Claus. But a disheveled Mexican Santa. Proudly he says, "You see, when the gang comes back, do you really think they're going to want to kill Santa? .....Thinks about it."

I remember thinking.."What the hell?"....

Then I woke up. True story.