Stupid Invention My College Roommate Came Up With. Toothpicks.

One of my roommates in college was an idiot. I come into the room one day and he’s like, “Can I show you something?”

I’m like, “Yeah OK.” I could tell he was excited.

He walks over to his desk and comes back with a folder. “I’ve got an idea for an invention.”

I’m kind of thinking, “Oh no. This is gonna suck.”

The pitch begins. “So do you know how toothpicks are just plain. Like just wooden? They’re just small, boring sticks really. But what if you had this?” He pulls out a piece paper with a colorful toothpick drawn. Kind of like a candy cane. But tooth picky. “Flavored toothpicks!”

“Oh really?”

He proceeds to show me his various designs. He even had measurements drawn out. As if people don’t know how big a toothpick is. He’s all excited. And I’m thinking, “This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” He then goes onto show me a list of manufacturers that he’s planning on contacting. *thought bubble over my head: please record the calls. Please record the calls.*

I’m like, “Not to put you down Dave but I’ve worked at restaurants and they buy toothpicks and matches….all that stuff in bulk. I bet a restaurant orders toothpicks once every five years. And they probably order them from a place that supplies them with tons of other crap, like matches, straws..you know.”

“Yeah but they’re not FLAVORED toothpicks.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t think anyone cares. Think about it. It’s kind of dumb.”

“Yeah? You don’t know!” He puts his papers back into his invention folder and storms away. It was never mentioned again.

And NO, he’s not a toothpick tycoon now. I guess I killed the dream.

I Need Some Ideas For A Blog Post. Suggestion Box.

I never thought I would say this but I need some ideas for a blog post. With over 1200 posts, you start to run out of ideas. You know?

I'm sure I can think of something to write but I had to at least get a post up today. And I'd like to make you - the reader - feel like you're contributing. It feels pretty good doesn't it?

So what do you want me to write about? Something you want to know about me? My opinion on something? Clarification of something? Something in my childhood? A teenage story? Beauty tips?

Let me know in the comments. Enter as many suggestions as you want.

Some Valentine's Day Ideas For Your Honey. Irons.

Sure. You can go out and get your lady a card, jewelry and flowers on Valentine's Day but everyone does that. Here are some more creative ways to celebrate that special day:

1) Wake up a few minutes early so you can position your junk 3 inches from her face when she opens her eyes on this special day. Surprise! Paint a heart on it? It's up to you.

2) Get cards that you've collected in the past year and cut and paste them to make a "Love Card". Perhaps a pumpkin walking down the beach with an Easter Bunny? New Years Eve streamers littering the beach? I don't know.

3) You can even clip the inside of cards and use the words in clever ways. It's really simple. Here's an example of what I clipped:

"I'm Happy that you are grieving the loss of YOU'RE my loved one. Love is LIKE THE first holy communion of a MERRY time. Please RSVP if you want to attend ME."

It's THAT simple !

4) Don't just GIVE her an iron. Offer to watch her use it. (Note: make sure that the ironing board is away from the TV so you don't have to ask her to move mid-iron).

Do you have any tips? If I think of anymore I'll add them to the comments area.

CONTEST. Idea For Awesome TV Show. Siamese Twins.

Here's an idea I just came up with* for a TV Show (followed by instructions for a contest):

Character: Ping.

Description: He's one half of a Siamese Twin. His brother (Pong) died years ago but the skeleton is still attached to him.

Conflict: He tries to hide his brother - now a skeleton - my dressing him up.

Now this is the part I can't figure out. I can either...

1) Have the skeleton attached to his side and he dresses it in an overcoat, hat and sunglasses. When people ask, "Who's this guy?" He just changes the subject, "Oh him? Uh yeah..I've got to meet up with him later about this one thing...so ANYWAYS..."

2) The smaller skeleton is attached to his head. He covers it with one of those really long knit hats. But of course once in a while the hat peaks open and the skull or feet are exposed.

Setting: I'm thinking that maybe he works for a small city and is in charge of helping the city become Green compliant. See? This is a hot topic these days so...

I'm also thinking some hilarity can ensue because he's always trying to hide the skeleton. And people pick on him all the time. Like when he approaches, you can hear the skeleton bones hitting together, and maybe a bully says, "Hey everybody, here comes old Wind Chimes! Get it? Because he clanks like wind chimes? Yeah. Look at him!" Then the dick shoves him.

Everyone laughs at him. Except this one girl who might be in love with him.

And lastly, there will be weekly lessons that will be featured on the show. Like safe sex and not littering. You know..shit like that.

I don't know. What do you think?

And here's where the contest comes in. Draw a picture of the character and I'll post it on this here blog. And of course you'll get a valuable link to your blog. The winner will receive nothing. Because we're ALL winners. Right?

(my email address is Lebner1 AT Yahoo Dot Com. Write "TV Show Contest" in the subject line. And don't forget to leave your blog name as well).

Midget Movie Idea That I'm Gonna Pitch To The Studios.Wolves.

On Twitter the other day I tweeted:

I'm gonna make a movie about a midget orphanage called, "They Only Pick The Tall Ones" or "Tiny Tears on Lollipop Lane".

Here's another idea that I may pitch to the studios:

"The Biggest Midget" - the story of a non midget boy that was raised by wolves but then leaves so he can meet his own kind and he stumbles into a small village of midgets. But he thinks he's a midget because they look closer to him than wolves do.

And at the very end of the movie the mayor of "Midget's Lair" says to him as he's about to leave the town because he realizes he's not a midget, "You are the biggest one here.. that is true. But you're also the one with (climbs ladder so he can get closer to the "giant") ...you're also the one with (looks into camera) the biggest heart".

Then the whole village of Midget's Lair goes into to this big ass celebration. There's all this fucking food and shit. Music playing with the normal picking up the little people and putting them on his shoulder. Then like the wolves come out and everything but they're all gentle and shit.

Man. This is gonna be bigger than New Moon!

Is anyone crying yet? Cause the story totally touches your heart? Yeah, you knew it was gonna be good.

CONTEST! Dead People. Classy Lawns.

WE'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT CONTEST HAPPENING OVER HERE.

I saw one of those "Lordy Lordy - look who's Forty" lawn things the other day. You know, where it's a big wooden cow then 40 little cows. Hmm....real clever.

They also have them when you have a baby with a bunch of little storks.

Well I have a better idea. It's probably really uncomfortable when a loved one dies and you have to tell all of your neighbors. Sure, you can go door to door and tell them or leave flyers in their mail boxes but do you know how time consuming that is? You're going to be plenty busy deciding if your loved one is only worth getting carnations for the funeral and searching your home for any hidden money the deceased may have stashed away. Greedy bastard.

Wouldn't it be much easier to display crappily painted wooden lawn art out front to announce that someone died? Sounds easy to me. Here are a few ideas:

- Grim Reaper running after person with caption, "You can run but I'm gonna catch you!"

- Miniature coffins.

- Angel, Devil and huge wooden question mark. Painted on the question mark are the words, "You decide". Maybe there can be a ballot box so neighbors can decide if they think the person is going to heaven or hell.

- Cute baby holding up finger with caption, "He was only dis old". (Sure, the baby might have 73 fingers but the whimsy of the piece will help to cheer people up during this difficult time).

These are just a few I came up with. I need to think of some more. Do you guys have any ideas?

This is where the contest part comes in. I will write, "(insert your name here) won the contest!" in the comments area. You can then print out my congratulatory comment and proudly frame it in your home.

Good luck!

The First Time I've Asked Readers What To Post About. Blog.

I usually have a lot of stuff to post about but I thought I'd let you the reader give some suggestions.

So is there any topic that you'd like me to post about? A real life thing? Curious about things I'm into or you want my opinion on something?

Has your pastor not been giving you the advice that you want?

So what is it? Are there any questions, subjects or past posts that you'd like me to elaborate on?

Let me know in the comments area. And I'll pick one. Or maybe more.

Good luck.

Blogging Doesn't Take That Much Time You A-hole! Message to Jerk Non Bloggers.

I'm tired of non blogging people saying to me,

"You have a blog? Looks like you have a lot of time on your hands."

I'm so sick of that statement because here is my procedure:

1) I have lists of things to post. Half of the ideas I come up with while I'm driving or lying in bed. When I think of the idea - I write the subject down.

2) Then I sit and write the post. Most posts take from 2 minutes to 20 minutes to write. I'm not lying - I have the idea and I write it as fast as I'd write an email to a friend. You can probably tell by some of my errors. After the post is written, I look for a photo. I go to Google Images and it takes no more than 1 minutes. Ever.

3) If I have to add links, that sometimes takes a few more minutes especially if I have to get links from certain posts from blogs.

4) I also am always prepared for posting by having some Youtube videos saved as well as various pictures on my computer that I want to blog about. And I usually have a few half written posts set up in blogger so I'm ready to go.

Honestly, the most time consuming part of blogging for me is commenting on other's blogs. Do these non bloggers ever watch TV or play golf? Those things take time. What's the difference? At least I'm creating something that's making people laugh. And maybe saving lives. Stupid jerks!

So what's your procedure. And for all of my non blogging judgemental readers/friends - Kiss My Grits!

Help! Chester County Dinner Club Needs Card Table Idea.

I need your help. We're hosting our dinner club tonight. There are 10 couples and my wife and I can't get our dining room table pulled out further to get the second leaf in. It won't extend anymore (that's what she said).

So we have a card table that we're putting at the very end. Classy. The problem is, I don't feel like sitting at the card table side like a peasant? I want to be in a prime big people spot so I can hold court and make sure all things revolve around me. I find that if I can dictate the pace and content of the conversations, it's a lot more fun for all.

So I need some quick ideas to narrow down who will get stuck at the card table side. I was thinking some kind of trivia. Any ideas?

As for dinner, I'm making this cheesy, garlic shrimp dish that will be served over pasta and some kind of chicken....and twice baked potatoes and some other stuff.

If you give me an idea that I can use, you won't be invited tonight but it will seem like you are there because I'll put your name on a piece of paper and place it on the table...... the card table.

Last Minute Christmas Ideas For Cheap People

So I'm sure everyone's about to start their Christmas Shopping. Here are a few gift ideas that will save you a bit of time and money:

1) Make a phony, "I named a star after you " certificate. Go to the window, look up and say, "..there she is..nope..sorry..there she is. Right there. Next to that one. Yeah. She is a beauty." Are they really going to check?

2) What can you wrap around your house? This is a tough one as it's best to actually stage a burglary and steal some select items. Then, rewrap the gifts you stole and write on the card that you searched everywhere to find the exact items and that maybe this is the greatest Christmas ever because "someone can steal 'things' but they can't steal my heart". (This makes no sense but they'll be so excited they won't even think about your babble).

3) Simply write, "The magic of Christmas - believe" on construction paper. Write it in a fancy font and when they open it, put your hand on the back of their head and say, "I believe. Do you?" Then look into the distance. This will only work on artsy type of people. Most people will say, "Oh I believe. I believe you better go get my damn present." So think this one out.

4) Write, "The gift of........" on a piece of paper. As they read it, motion the homeless people that you've threatened with jail time to come in and start dancing. When they're finished with their train wreck of a dance, turn to the person you gave the gift to and say, "I think it is the thought that counts. Don't you?"

Merry Christmas everyone from me to you!