Shut Up About Your Cruise! I Don't Care! Boring People.

There’s nothing I can’t stand more than a bore ass. People just yappin’ about stuff that isn’t remotely interesting or funny. And giving every mundane detail. Going on and on.

Like this chick I used to work with would go on a cruise every year and when she came back she would tell me every boring detail. She’d start off like, “OK, so we get there Monday. And usually we like to check in and get right to the bar, but it was really crowded so we decided, ‘What he hell’, lets sneak in a drink across the street…”

But saying it in a way like “Aren’t we crazy?” And trust me. Nothing interesting happened across the street but the margarita’s were sooooooo good.

Then she would proceed to go day by day and tell me every boring detail. I’d sit there nodding (because I’m a nice guy – plus I was trapped in her office). Sometimes when you thought your sentence was almost over she’d remember something “important” in the story and have to go back, “So we wake up on Thursday and then and I wanted to get to that buffet so….Oh wait! I forgot to tell you about the illusionist we saw Wednesday night*!!!”

I was always happy when she was done and even happier when I’d see her corning someone else in the hall or in the coffee room. And you’d see the same glazed over look in their eyes as she excitedly told them the exact story. Word for word, “We met this couple named Peggy and Mike. They were sooooo funny. We’re going to keep in touch. Mike was a RIOT!” I'd give the person a look behind her back like, "Hmmm you don't say.."

So basically what I’m trying to say is: if you’re boring, please shut the fuck up.

(And look at that fat fuck in the blue at the buffet table. Jesus Christ Tubby. Leave some food for the rest of us!)

*can he make me disappear

How I Used To Torture People With Secret Santa. Brooke Shields.

Does anyone do the Secret Santa at work? We used to do it and I would love to torture people with it.

I would torture people because there were a few women in the department that would practically break into tears when their present would get stolen. As if they couldn't just go out and spend $15 on the bottle of wine that was just taken from them.

So every time a really good gift was revealed and one of the crybabies got it, we would pressure the next person to take it away, "Come on Jill. You HAVE to take that bottle of wine...Come on...do it! Do you know how good that wine is?..The next present could be junk!"

One year my gift was a little thing I liked to call,"Things From My Garage". It was a wrinkled, brown paper bag full of various things like nails, sandpaper, etc. Basically....things from my garage.

Most of the women were like, "Come on! You can’t do that! That's not fair!" But I'd say, "Sure it is, have you priced nails and sandpaper lately? They're very expensive. May I suggest re-gifting it to perhaps a brother or Uncle that is handy?"

At the end of everything I did reveal that there was cash hidden in at the bottom of the box. I forget if it was $40 or $50 but it was way more than the limit that was supposed to be used for gifts. You should have seen the look some of the faces. Oh the regret.

Another year, knowing that one woman in the department had an obsession with Brooke Shields, I put a few random things in the box including a book about Brooke Shields and I forged a signature. I even went online and copied the Brook Shields signature because the woman in the department actually owned things that had Brooke's autograph on it. But the funny thing is that she didn't know I knew about her obsession because she was embarrassed about it so it was supposed to be this big secret. But everyone knew.

So my present gets picked and the person is going through the random things and says, "A Brooke Shield's book? That's weird."

Everyone is kind of rolling their eyes and I say, "Look inside. It's autographed."

Well the Brooke Shields fan's eyes light up and she's like,"Can I see that?" But she's trying to play it cool. She looks at the autograph and it's obvious on her face that
"this thing is real!" Like shes an antiques roadshow expert or something. She looks around to play it cool in the way someone would flip through a book and
find $500 hidden in it. You know what Ann? It’s friggin’ Brooke Shields. Nobody cares.

Well she finally ends up with the Zibbs Potpouri box. All excited and shit. I did feel kind of bad so at the end of the whole thing I told her it was a fake autograph. You know, so she didn't try and get it valued and find out it was worthless. As if the real thing would be worth anything anyway. Right? Right?

Why Do Women Put Men Through This Torture? Scrapbook.

I wonder if this ever happened:

- There was this really hot chick. She was kind of odd but who cares? She was smokin' hot.

- So this dude was sitting on her couch in her den. So they sit there and he has to endure over two hours of not only looking through her scrapbook but hearing every detail of every person. Including, which people at which time she was best friends with and endless pictures of her cousin Stacey - who is a total fat fuck - but has the "biggest heart ever". Even though she "struggles with diabetes but you would never know it".

- Then, as the book is closed she says, "There's really something I want to share with you."

- His slacks seem to get tighter in the crotch region. She stands up and he follows her into her bedroom.

- She then says, "I don't show this to everyone, but you're special".

- She then leads him to a cabinet full of these:

- "They're Dreamsicles. I want to tell you their names, where I got each one, their limited edition status and what each one means to me."

- The guy rips the tiny arrow off of the Cupid Dreamsicle and plunges it to his heart. It's only a half inch long to it doesn't even break the skin. But it does slightly rip his sweater. Very slightly.

OK this never happened to me but many similar scenarios have. The things us guys will endure to get a chick. Jesus Christ.

Unicorn Collectors Probably Are Real Babies. Torture Ideas.

I can't be certain but I bet that people that collect unicorn items can be made to cry easier than the general population. I think a great way to make them cry would be to slowly break off unicorn horns from their sculptures.

But you have to be subtle.

I would start with breaking one then waiting a week. Be patient.

Then, after you break a few more, start doing things with the horns. Like you might want to tape one of the horns to the groinage area. That will probably really freak them out because I bet that there's a legend saying that the unicorn horns are sacred. And if there is - you know they believe that legend.

What about laying one of the horns on the pillow next to them while they sleep like how they did with the horse in the Godfather? Yeah that's a good one too.

Oh I know. What about when they cry, you say, "Now now. It's OK, here's a tissue." Little do they know that you've taped a broken unicorn horn inside of the tissue. Can you imagine the hysterics that THAT will set off? I can.

What other ways can you think of to torture unicorn collectors? Go ahead - jot some ideas down on a piece of paper then pick the best and leave it in the comments area.

Good luck.

Gypsy Foot Care Video Played AGAIN On Blog. Pa Salons and Spas.

Seeing the That Blue Yak merchandise on my last post got me thinking about the early days of my blog. And that got me thinking about my video for the Gypsy Foot Care Factory.

It's an original video made by me - Dr Zibbs. I post it up on my famous blog about every few months not just to torture my older readers but to treat my new readers who may have never seen it. And listen to one of my crazzzzy voices in that video. It doesn't even sound like me - does it?

What do you think?