Mother coached children to act retarded

Tacoma, Washington

According to CNN , a Tacoma Washington woman admitted to coaching her two children to act retarded so she could receive Social Security benefits on their behalf. On Tuesday, Rosie Costello pleaded guilty to conspiracy to defraud the government and to Social Security fraud.

The following is a transcript of a conversation with Costello's neighbor Ben Messler by That Blue Yak reporter Nick Dempsey:

Dempsey: Mr Messler, what was it like to live next door to a couple retarded people, then you find out they've been faking it all these years?

Neighbor: It sucked. There was always a racket over there.

Dempsey: Did you ever witness her "training" these kids to act retarded?

Neighbor: Hell yeah, they was always yelling things like 'JellyBean, JellyBean' - day in and day out.

Demsey: Like they wanted jellybeans?

Neighbor: No, from the movie Welcome Home Jellybean with that chick that was in the National Lampoon movie.

Demsey: The one where the brother's on stage at school and she starts yelling out 'JellyBean, JellyBean'? And that one kid starts chanting 'JellyBean, JellyBean' and gets the whole school going in a group chant?

Neighbor: You are familiar with it.

Dempsey: Indeed. It was never released on vhs or dvd but I taped the original. I keep it in a vault and watch it every month or so.

Dempsy and Mr Messler continued their conversation for the next three and a half hours - discussing in detail every scene of Welcome Home Jelly Bean. They will be meeting for brunch Sunday to discuss in length - Like Normal People , starring Shaun Cassidy and Linda Pearl.

AARP Narrows Down New Expression To Be Used By Old People

Wichita, Kansas

Old person organization AARP announced today the runner up choices in it's search to find a new cliche' expression that can be used by old people. Oldster Len Morris explains,

"The bit where we say, 'When I was a kid, we walked to school five miles - uphill both ways' is getting very, very old. It's been so over used in fact, that it rarely even warrants the polite, 'OK Pops, here's another gimlet and there's the couch'. We decided that the time has come to introduce a new joke.

The top contenders being considered are:

1. When I was a kid, we didn't have expensive puppets to play with like you kids, we had to make them out of things like ice tongs and oats.

2. When I was a kid, the only things we were allowed to do on the weekend was pet an ox or get polio...that was it.

3. AHHH my heart ! (while holding chest)

Bingo parlors nationwide will be closed Friday afternoon as millions of seniors anxiously await the results.

Thurmond Camp Willing To Forgive Sharpton

South Carolina

In light of Al Sharpton's ancestral link to Strom Thurmond, the Thurmond camp is courageously offering to forgive the Sharpton family - under certain conditions. A Thurmond family journal reveals that when Coleman Sharpton left the Thurmond plantation following the Emancipation Proclamation, he left his quarter a bit in shambles:

"I wish Coleman (Sharpton) all the best, but frankly, I'm a bit taken back as to the condition he left his cabin" (1863) - the Thurmond journal states.

Marty Thurmond, the great-great grandson of Thurmond wants to "settle up and move on":

" I'd like Al Sharpton to come down to South Carolina and do some odd jobs around here. Nothing too intense - wash my car, pick up some sticks and junk in the yard, a few loads of wash maybe. I'd like to even things up and get on with things"

Hollywood Police Take Cojocaru Oscar Threat Seriously

(Hollywood, CA)

Police are taking Steven Cojocaru's Oscar threat seriously. Steven Cojocaru's was overheard telling friends,

" I'm so excited about the Oscars - I'M GONNA EXPLODE"

It didn't take the LA police long from the time Cojo uttered those words from his puffy, girlish lips to the time precautionary steps were put into place. Lieutenant Robert Morris explains his concerns simply,

" Have you seen this guy's face? If that thing blows we could have a very dangerous situation on our hands. When you hear the words 'Cojocaru' and 'explode' ..you just don't sit back and relax - you take precautions."

"I've asked that that an additional 125 officers be placed outside of the Kodak Theatre. I'm also asking onlookers to prepare themselves by purchasing rain gear or bringing plastic bags. If the face explodes it's going to look like the first three rows of a Gallagher show."

KFC's "First Draft" of Letter to Pope Discovered

(Louisville, KY)

It's getting even weirder. KFC, in it's introduction of the new Fish Snacker Sandwhich, sent a letter to Pope Benedict XVI. The letter, according to USA TODAY , reveals that President Gregg Dedrick sent a letter asking the Pope to lend his personal seal of appoval for the new item, "as a way for members of your flock to keep a holy Lenten Season".


In a show of one-upmanship and good old fashioned journalism, That Blue Yak intern Wally Jenson dug a bit deaper (in the KFC dumpster) to find an even stranger item - the first draft of the letter. The letter is virtually identical to the first with the addition of a few greasy fingerprints in the upper left corner and the following post script:


P.S. Your majesty, during your next Sunday mass, we would really appreciate it if you could announce to your congregation:


"The King is the DEVIL. Do NOT eat at Burger King or ye will go to hell. Just look at that sinner."

Thank you and please enjoy the Fish Snacker at any of our 5,500 locations.

KFC could not be reached for comments.

Climbers Confused About Questions That Dog Rescued Them.....

PORTLAND, ORE

...But describe in detail the help they received from "that giant pork chop".

Obviously still delirious, climbers on Mount Hood were confused about questions that a dog was responsible for their rescue. Climber Kate Hanlon describes the final hours,

"It wasn't really the freezing temperature that was awful - we were SO HUNGRY. We kept ourselves going by talking about the food we would eat when we were rescued".

"Just as Matty (Brynat) was describing her first meal, this giant pork chop walks up to us. I tried to stab it with this stick, but it was to quick for me. MAN I WANTED TO EAT THAT GIANT PORK! "

Climber Description of Pork Chop Rescuer (bottom right)

Paris Hilton "One Ups" Britney by Sawing Off Her Own Arm

In an attempt to steal the spotlight from fellow party girl Britney Spears, Paris Hilton has sawed off her own arm. Beverly Hills Home Depot manager Robert L Smith was there,

"I basically stood there and watched her pick up the saw and just start sawin'. I'm still trying to figure out if this really happened."

Picture of what arm probably looked like
Onlookers watched in horror as the celebrity princess severed the arm, then strutted out of the hardware super center. Asked by an unidentified friend about how the missing arm would effect her clothes, a teary Hilton responded,

"If it looks stupid I'll just have to wait until it grows back"

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