I'm not a fan of car bumper stickers, magnets or stickers. Thoughts:
College - These are OK I guess.
Sports Teams - I can kind of understand these but only use one.
Honor Student - Retarded. Even more retarded are the ones that say, "Blah Blah school honors ALL of their students."
Beach Destination (ie: OC for Ocean City) - These are OK if you actually own a home there or go there almost every weekend.
Cartoons showing how many family members you have - Stupid. What happens if someone dies? Do you take one off? Maybe I should sell halo and wing stickers that can be used in this case.
Political - I really hate these. And if your candidate loses take if off for God's sake.
Magnets saying which breed of do you love - I hate anyone that has one of these. Why do you have to advertise you have a Yorkie?
OK that's about it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Have you guys seen the commercial for Max Tall? I like the very first scene where a few guys are going out to lunch and shorty isn't invited. And what happens if you meet some chick and she thinks you're tall then later realizes you're a shrimp? I guess it's just the same as those chicken cutlet boob lifters.
And I would like to wear them for a day so I could walk around being 6'6". A giant man. Towering above the Lilliputians.
Oh, and the second video is pretty good too. I love how they portray the shame of being short. The dude walks up to the hottie in the bar, then stops in his tracks, "Oh she's....she's tall. Let me just...let me just go back and sit down."
And I love the third scene where the dude is at the store and he can't reach the thing on the top shelf so the girl reaches it for him. Look at the expression on his face! HA! And I have a feeling she wouldn't be going out with him even if he was tall. She doesn't look like she's into Mexican dudes. Just a hunch.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
If you know me you know I love horror movies. And my favorite are Satanic movies. But to tell you the truth I'm usually disappointed in horror movies. I'm always hoping to be super scared then it's like, "Meh."
But when I was seeing a movie with my daughter a few weeks ago the trailer for The Devil Inside came on. And maaaaaaaan it looks creepy and scary!
And not to scare anyone but if you have a heart condition PLEASE don't watch this trailer. I've made sure to get all of your locations and have placed a doctor outside of your houses just in case you start getting all heart attackey but you've been warned.
Monday, December 19, 2011
So here's the weird thing. I have no problem not cleaning my plate. Most of the time I eat a meal I won't finish everything and I have no problem throwing it out. I'll throw out 30 percent of my meal. No problem.
But then certain foods it kills me to throw them away. Pistachios are an example. When I'm eating pistachios and I get to the random ones that I can't open I'll put them to the side and then when I'm done I'll actually get a nut cracker. A FULL SIZED NUTCRACKER and open them and eat them.
I also can't waste beer, wine, ice cream, shrimp and steak among other things.
Anyone else have these issues?
Posted by Dr Zibbs at 7:14 PM
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
HAHAHA!!! Check out this Trailer for the 3 Stooges movie by the Farrelly brothers! Coming soon. And my favorite stooge Larry looks hysterical. He's played by that dude from Will and Grace.
I saw the trailer in the theater and totally guffawed over it. What do you think?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Mmmm. Look what I had for an early lunch. In that container you got your...
- Gorgonzola stuffed olives.
- Feta stuffed olives.
- Mozzarella cheese
- Cherry pepper poppers (ham was used instead of proscuitto which should be a crime)
So I'm eating it in my car and got kind of pissed because you need something to alternate bites with all the salty/olive oily stuff. I usually get some almonds and a piece of crunchy bread or another type of cheese but didn't.
So then I found myself eating it and getting kind of pissed at myself. Kind of like when you go to a restaurant, meals come and you look at the person next to you and think, "Damn it! I should have gotten THAT!" And the person knows they made the better choice and is all, "This is REALLY good!"
"Oh good. So is this." (Yeah right.)
DAMN IT I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN SOMETHING ELSE!! *looks for someone to blame*
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
So I'm walking through the Exton Barnes and Noble the other day and this stops me in my tracks:
This is a real book. And it was in the adult science fiction area. This is NOT a kids book. I would love to have hung out all day to see the type of person that sees this book, skims through with interest then purchases it. Can you imagine?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Uh yeah. So uh...the thing is uh.. Neil Sedaka claims to be straight but this is some of the gayest shit I've ever seen. With the hips and the mom jeans... I mean come on now. Out of the closet with you already.
And this is from The Midnight Special too. How disappointed do you think you would be if you showed up and saw this nonsense?
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Not saying that all women have to be super feminine but Jesus Christ! Here's the lady I just saw eating a roast beef sandwich:
- Bleach blond hair. 290 pounds.
- Sitting at table with legs spread.
- Chomping on sandwich while talking on phone. Talking LOUDLY. With mouth full. Phone is between shoulder and ear so she can have two hands free to shovel food in mouth.
- Food drips on shirt. She continues to talk and eat but wipes the food into her shirt then pulls sweater over shirt in an attempt to conceal it.
I'm not kidding...she was like Mel from Alice. Come on people. Just...come on. At what point do people just say, "I give up."
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
*Confetti falls from ceiling*
Today is a very important day.... It's the 5th anniversary of my blog! A little blog called THAT BLUE YAK.
1455 posts later and here I stand*. A changed man. It's hard to tell how many laughs have been generated or how many lives have been changed. But Jesus Christ...FIVE YEARS!!!
Please leave your reflections in the comements** area.
*And only 2 posts were stupid!!
** "comments" intentionally spelled wrong to celebrate 5 years of typos.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I love traditions. I'd like to share a bit of my Thanksgiving tradition with you the reader. Above is a picture of last year's Thanksgiving. The day before actually. That's Charles the Turkey.
Look at him go!
We like to cage the bird and pamper him for a few hours before....well...you know.
So we give him special treats, sing traditional Pilgimy sounding songs, dance around his cage and taunt him playfully with sticks.
Then, it's time for Bobo the clown to begin his slaying. So he slowly circles the cage. The bird senses something is wrong. And starts darting all over the cage. During this all the kids pull a feather from the Negro Indian head (total fucking heirloom and valuable as shit) and hand their feather to Bobo.
Bobo picks the smallest feather and the child that gave him that feather gets to hold the gobbler to the stump while Bobo chops his head off.
We then give the turkey to Nana who defeathers it and cleans it.
What traditions do YOU guys have?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
So I was out with my son the other night getting some food at Victory Beer and....
Me: Hey look. I didn't know your Uncle Mike was here.
Son: (looks at dude who is actually a lookalike) Haha. I was thinking the same thing.
Me: (referring to his necklace) And looks like the Sasquatch sized Uncle Mike is into jewelry.
Son: Dad, Sasquatch Uncle Mike likes to call it "bling."
And the sad thing is....I would have LOVED to get a photo but didn't know how to do it discreetly. That's what sucks with cameras on phones. You see a perfect, photo ready specimen and you can never get their picture. Sure, you can wear an Abe Lincoln type hat and conceal it in there but who the hell wants to go through THAT trouble? ...and you have to set the timer..No thanks!
So my idea is a camera that's built into one of those nerdy ass bluetooth ear pieces. And you look at your phone to control the direction of the camera. And when you have your photo specimen in view? ...Click. Captured. On your phone.
Seriously don't know why this hasn't been invented. I would have a blog just of lookalikes and freaks that I see. Well, I guess we'll have to wait for the world of tomorrow.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Here's a song that I listen to on my Ipod. Ike and Tina doing Proud Mary.
And check out the booty shake at 3:46. God Dyaaaaaaaaammm!!!!! Those girls know how to shake some ass holmes!!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
It's true. I went on a computer at the library the other day and when it said, "Would you like to restore your last session?" I clicked, "HELL YEAH!"
Then..there it was. A stranger's email. Mine for the picking.
Honestly, I would never look in a friend's email or my kid's because I would feel so bad. But a faceless stranger? Meh. I'll take a sneak peek. *taps fingertips together*
And I kind of hit the mother load. It was some chick's email that she uses for talking to people in some porn group. And the porn group was people that were into choking while having sex. So of course I went to the sent folder and there was an email that said, "I miss talking to you. I wish we were having sex now. How are things with you?"
And it was to another chick! Awwwww yeaaah!
But sadly that was the only good email. There were some pictures of chicks being gagged but that was it. But I did Google the girl's name because I wanted to see what she looked like but couldn't find a picture. Damn it!
So would any of you guys do the same thing? And don't THINK about lying.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Here's something that's kind of odd that I was thinking of the other day. When I was between about 8 and 11 for some reason my eyelids looked kind of blueish sometimes. I'm assuming it was veins in my eyelids that made them look blueish but it wasn't like you could see veins or anything. It was just that sometimes that looked blueish. I don't know.
And I can't recall if it was only when it was cold outside or not.
But what I DO recall is that at least on 30 - 40 occasions somebody - usually a stranger - would be looking at me and ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"
Or worse yet they would look at me with a confused look and say, "Close your eyes for a second."
WHO THE HELL ASKS A KID WHO'S A STRANGER TO CLOSE THEIR EYES??
Then they would either say, "Oh. OK." And and kind of nod their head in a "Just what I expected" kind of way or ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"
And nobody has ever said that since I was 11. Has anyone ever heard of this? I never thought to tell my mom at the time so she could ask the doctor so it remains a mystery.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Remember in the 8th grade at North Junior High when Richard Bulls would draw a picture of Paul Lambert's huge, volzwagon hood domed thumbnail, show it to us and say, "PAUL CLUBS SHIT TEETH LAAAAAAAMBERT!"
Remember? This is what it looked like:
Then he would start banging his thumb in a slow motion as if it were a giant hammer and pretend to crush things? Remember that?
Monday, November 14, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Somebody. Get. My. Spitup Bucket.
And the other thing I hate about movies like this AND TV shows that have bands are the extras they hire to dance. Every time I see it I look at the crowd and think, "Nobody dances like that."
Thursday, November 10, 2011
She always claimed that "once you have ants you never get rid of them." But I think she was also afraid people would see ants in our house and think that we're "dirty people."
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Well let me tell you, she's pretty darn funny. She also has a blog: Life Just Gets Weirder. (Click on the link to view her blog).
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Did any of you ever have sex to the song "Hitchin' A Ride?" And you thrusted to the beat of the song? And the expression on your face was one one of excitement? Like wide eyed and mouth open? Like the expression of someone that just walked into a surprise party? But your face frozen in that expression the entire time?
And during it your mate played the recorder part that's in the song?
No? Uh...yeah me neither. I....I never did that. That's just dumb. Yeah. Never did that.
*looks at shoe and kicks imaginary rock then runs away*
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
(I just keep staring ahead).
(I look at him and just nod. I notice he's got this fucked up eye).
And speaking of Fudgie the Whale (see last post) are you guys familiar with Carvel and it's commercials? They were huge on the East Coast in the 70's and 80's. Here are the top three.
Which one do you like? And why?
Cookie Puss and Hug Me The Bear (listen for the slide whistle)
Fudgie The Whale (Have a Happy Day Dad)
Cookie O'Puss (high tech and space age as shit! And excellent use of the word "Puss" in a food product)
Monday, October 31, 2011
*cue wavey dream lines*
(I walk into my parents house and Paul F Tompkins is in a wheelchair)
Me: Hey Paul what are you doing here?
Paul: Hey Jim. How are you? I'm just here for your family's pool party.
Me: Well why aren't you out at the pool?
Paul: I didn't want to ask anyone to help me outside. You know..with the wheelchair and all. It's OK though. I can hear them from here.
Me: Oh OK. Hey do you want to split the rest of this Fudgie the Whale cake with me?
Paul: Sure! And that's funny you bring up Fudgie the Whale because I was just reading an article recently about how Carvel almost went out of business.
Me: Really? Why?
Paul: I'm not sure. The article didn't say.
This is when I just kind of froze. Because I was thinking "You read an 'article' about them potentially going out of business and they didn't say why? Seems like you probably just read a blurb on Yahoo but you're trying to convince people that you read an entire article."
I found it kind of sad in a way.
Me: Hmmm. Well Paul, I'm on my way to Delaware to pick up some crawfish but have fun.
Paul: OK. Bye.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I started a band!!! Here's a video. That's me there on the left.
Naaaaaaaa. Naaaaaa. Naaaaaaa. That's not me. I posted this video on my blog a few years ago and just wanted to share it with everyone again. What do you think?
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Yeah right. And also...look what she was wearing. As if she didn't want it.
And why was the Fonz feeling her shoulders up to calm her down. So many questions that will never be answered.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I was at the library today and I was on the computer and there was a super loud lady giving a Chinese lady English lessons. As in teaching her how to speak English. It's all you could hear because she was talking so loud.
And I started cracking up and almost had to leave because this happened:
Instructor: The word is "huge." Say it. "Huge."
Chinese Lady: Hoog.
Instructor: No. "Huge."
Chinese Lady: Hoog.
Chinese Lady: Hoog.
Instructor: No. Like this, "Huuuuuge."
Chinese Lady: Hooooog.
HAHA!! So I finally calm down from my silent, shoulder shaking laughing and I hear the instructor mention what a synonym was. But at first I thought she as saying "cinnamon" and thought she was going to make the Chinese woman say "cinnamon!"
HAHAHA!!! She can't get "huge" down and you're going to have her attempt "cinnamon????" WHAT THE HELL???
Then I couldn't stop laughing so I had to leave.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I've been thinking of writing a bucket list but haven't. I do have one major one that is totally going to happen soon but it ain't none of your alls beeswax.
But in lieu of the bucket list I've decided to make a "bucket list junior." These are things that are bucket-listesque but shorter term and easily obtainable. Here we go:
- Make homemade cheese.
- Watch Madmen. (I know I'll love this show and I think I even have the channel on Verizon but have no idea what time it's on. I'm sure I'll like it)
- Get a BJ in a dressing room. (Leaning toward Victoria's Secret. Leaning against Value City)
- Learn a French phrase that I can say in a smart ass way then say it to someone and just walk away. And there will be a crowd and people will think, "Holy shit that Mother F'er speaks French??
- Make a few videos and put them on the Youtube.
- Give a crying Indian chief a tissue.
- Tell more people in a movie theater to "stop talking." Kind of hooked from when I did it a few months ago.
- Walk into a room naked except I'm wearing a sock over my junk and pretend I don't know what people are talking about when they're all, "What the?? What are you doing???"
- Play with a goat.
- Master a Burt Reynold's imitation.
- Get a disguise (including a wig) and go somewhere and trick people. Using an accent and everything. Then maybe go back into the place as me and get the people to talk about the disguised me.
There you go. Just a little off the cuff. Leave your short term goals in the comments and I'll judge you. If you want. Leave a "J" after your list if you want honest feedback.
I found it!! For years...and I mean YEARS.. I'll sing to myself an imitation of Paul Williams doing "Old Fashioned Love Song."
And I never knew if I made it up or not. I remember Paul Williams was on The Odd Couple once and was thinking that's maybe where I heard it from but nope! He did it on The Muppets Show. But I'm kind of disappointed I didn't make it up.
I really need to figure out how to put audio clips on this blog because I would totally post my imitation. Anyway, this is what it sounds like:
Monday, October 17, 2011
I think my friend "The Child" has to be the ultimate bachelor. A few years ago we were having a guy's weekend at his place in Maryland. Right near the water. A boat. Sweet deal. While a few of the guys were making crabs here's what happened:
Dave: Child where are your potholders?
Child: Right in the drawer below the microwave.
Dave: (opens draw and horrifyingly holds something up) What the hell is this?
Child: What? I use them as potholders.
Dave: YOU USE YOUR OLD UNDERWEAR AS POTHOLDERS???!!
Child: (acting as if Dave is being a big baby) Oh cooooooome on nooooow! Who doesn't use their old clothing for things around the house??
Dave: Yeah maybe an old T-shirt to dry your car not tighty whiteys as potholders!!
I swear this happened. HAHAHA!! I always picture him having a date over and he romantically is making his date dinner and he says, "Would you mind handing me a potholder out of that drawer? And she kind of dreamily reaches for the drawer....."WHAAAAA????"
Sunday, October 16, 2011
So my daughter and I were going to have a Father/Daughter afternoon and see Footloose but she bailed on me. Her "excuse" was "I really have no interest in that movie Dad." And to top it off, she never even heard of the original. Kids.
And I really wanted to see that but was too embarrassed to go myself. And too lazy to pull a disguise together. And you don't just get a disguise and walk into the movie. You need to have a voice that matches the disguise. Like if you bump into someone you can't just say, "Oh excuse me" in your regular voice. It's pretty involved. Waaaay to much work for a Sunday.
So instead I saw "The Big Year" With Steve Martin, Jack Black and What's his name Wilson. I'm into birds and all but the movie was a borefest.
But I did sneak into the remake of the The Thing. And it was great! As horror movies go. Really good story. Suspenseful. Crazy ass monsters and shit. Good stuff. And I see most horror movies that come out. So I'm kind of an expert.
And Mary Elizabeth Winstead is pretty darn cute in it if you ask me. That's her pictured above.
So I DO think you should see this movie. Let me know what you think if you do. Here's the trailer for it:
Saturday, October 15, 2011
If someone asked me to play a movie trailer that would illustrate who I am it would have to be.....
You gotta admit that the narrator is KICK. ASS!!
And look at that wizard! And thanks to TC for introducing me to this. How did I never hear of this thing?
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I wonder if some guy was at a party one time and he hid behind a window drape. Then...at just the right time... when some snobby ass lady was standing within his reach, he sloooooowly extended the olive grabber (see picture above) that he was holding and grabbed her nip:
Snobby Lady: (slaps face of monocle wearing chap she's talking to) WHY. I. NEVER!
Monocle Guy: (shrugs shoulders) WHAT????
The then the dude with the olive grabber stealthily climbed out the window and escaped into the night.
The perfect crime.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Man. Time flies. My son is already in college. And happy to report that except for one B he has all A's. Phew!
But was thinking about a story his first grade teacher told me about him years ago. There was a set of triplets in the first grade. Their last name was Best. So on the first day two of the triplets were in her class when only one was supposed to be in her class. So she says, "Would the Best children please come up to my desk?"
So the two Best boys walked up to her desk. She told the one that he was to go to another class. Then she looked behind them and my son was standing there. And then...
Teacher: Oh and who are you?
Son: Jack Zibbs.
Teacher: And why did you come up here?
Son: Because I'm one of the best children.
Haha!! He thought she meant the best as in the best kids in the class.
Meh. Maybe you had to be there but it was pretty cute when she told it.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I haven't smelled Vick's Vaporub in years! But I love the smell of it. It reminds me of when I was sick as a kid. I remember opening the jar and taking a big ole' whiff. You've got to admit it's got a pretty distinctive smell. I've been tempted to smell it. Maybe next time I go to a supermarket I'll open one up and get some smelling in.
And I just recently discovered now that it's Vick's VAPO rub and not VAPOR rub. Also, who the hell is Vick? They should have used Vick Tayback (Mel from Alice) on the label. Just sayin'.
OK. That's all I got for you.
Monday, October 3, 2011
God I'm a baby. I saw the movie 50/50 this weekend and cried 7 times.
There was an old lady next to me and she pulled a tissue out. I was waiting for her to say, "Do you want a tissue sonny?" Worst of all is that I had one cry that was an outburst and I had to contain myself. Ha!
And on top of it all they had the Bee Gees song "To Love Somebody" in it. And I LOVE song. That got the old water works going too. That song always gets me. Just really emotional these days for various reasons.
So get your tissues out and take a listen.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Hmmmm. I wonder if any of you guys have had the Snickers Ice Cream Cone?
*wavy dream sequence starts as we all run through a field eating delicious Snickers Ice Cream Cones*
I really don't eat that much ice cream. We haven't had it in my home freezer in a few months but some showed up the other week so I had a few bowls. On separate sittings. What? Do you think I'm a pig or something?
I've found when I eat BBQ food I sometimes crave ice cream. Isn't that weird? Anyone else experience that?
So the other week I was getting a craving and I stopped by my local WAWA and picked up a Snickers Ice Cream Cone. A bit pricey at $2.19 but I'm worth it. And it's not gourmet or anything but it's pretty good. With all of the textures.
But look out. In the center there's a sliver of chocolate that's pretty hard. I could see someone chipping a tooth. Just warning you.
And on other ice cream related news I've had a few DQ hot fudge sundaes this year. Hey, I don;t care.
I will now take ice cream recommendations. And I will write a review of one of them.
So you got that.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Do you know those stories that someone tells you and you think, “That didn’t happen?” Like it’s always a friend of a friend? Well here’s one that sounds incredible but it DID happen because I confirmed it with the actual person. Here we go…..
This dude Norm was on a first date with a girl. He was kind of nervous. So they go to her house and there was some type of family event going on. So as he’s there he’s being introduced to various people. At one point the girl says, “Norm this is my sister Mary.”
Norm turns around and the girl approaches him. She’s shaking a bit and in an odd voice says, “Hi Norm I’m Mary.”
He starts cracking up and says, “OH MY GOD THAT’S GREAT!! PULL THE TIE!! PULL THE TIE!!
It turns out he thought she was doing an impression of Rodney Dangerfield but she actually had Cerebral Palsy.
I SHIT YOU NOT!
And another time Norm was running late for a funeral in high school and his Mom was like, “Hurry up Norm!” then looked at the front of his suit pants and says, “What’s all over your pants??”
Turns out Norm had dry humped some chick at a wedding the week before and…well..you know.
And DAT is DAT!
(and that picture is the Facts of Life chick that had Cerebral Palsy. What's her name again? Jerry something?...)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sweet Jesus, son of Mary, Son of God, closely related to the Holy Ghost do I LOVE the roast beef sandwich at Old Original Nick's Roast Beef in Springfield, PA.
Just look at it. Oh my God it's so good. I've been there a bunch of times but went last week and took these amazing photos. I wish there was a place in Chester County that served hand cut roast beef like this on a great roll and topped with gravy. And prove and horseradish.
The closest thing is the Blarney Stone but they use deli meat. It's not even close.
I tried to duplicate it at home a few months ago but found out later that they cover the beef in fat before roasting it. AND they puree vegetable into the gravy.
Oh. And when I was there, I was wearing a white dress shirt and some lady kept looking at me and then finally said, "I hope you don't get any gravy on that nice white shirt." Uh. OK
Also I learned that blue collar Irish people talk REALLY loudly. Seriously, keep your voices down.
Anyways, it's a tasty ass sandwich. To read a detailed review from a local blogger that I know click here.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Um. OK. I've got something to tell everyone.
If you're a reader of my blog you know that I love to dance. And I talk about my skills. Or "Skilz" as many negro wannbees call it.
But sometimes you see a man like Billy Burgess and you...and you basically feel like a fool. Because you wonder if you can ever get to this higher dance level that this Lawrence Welk dancer has gotten to.
Basically he's light years away from me in technique and soul. And soul CAN'T be taught. I'm told. I thought I had it but I think now I may not have it. Whatever IT may be.
This should explain what I'm talking about:
Thursday, September 22, 2011
So I've been thinking about looking at Mr Furley (Don Knotts) from Three's Company as a starting point for updating my wardrobe. I mean not like TOTALLY taking his look but just taking the cool parts and bringing it into the 2011 zone.
Do you know what I mean?
No! Not like like his TOTAL look. I KNOW that looks dumb! I'm talking about taking the essence and updating it. Do you you know what I mean?
No? Well I'm going to like take the scarf and I'll..It's hard to explain. Like the big assed demin collars I have this idea to...
Oh forget it! FUCK YOU!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
So some Sundays I drive and get this tasty ass pork sandwich. And the dude that makes the pork sandwich has a major attitude.Like he’s pissed that he has to make it for me. I should be pissed at HIM. Jerk. I’ve learned the basic questions that he asks so I order in the way to answer the questions he asks EVERYTIME but he still doesn’t listen.
Here’s how it goes:
Miserable Sandwich Maker: So what do you want? (as if I’m taking up his time)
Me: One pork sandwich with cheese and hot peppers.
Miserable Sandwich Maker: Just one?
Me: Just one.
(Then he starts to make it. In slow motion. If he sees something that interests him he stops preparing the sandwich and looks off in the distance at the thing that interests him. Then he slowly goes back to making it).
Miserable Sandwich Maker: You want hot peppers on this?
Me: Yes (even though I already told him)
Then, when he’s done he shoves that bag in my face and with attitude and without making contact says, “Here you go Pal.”
So do you know what I do? When I go in and pay it goes like this:
Cashier: Yes what’s in the bag?
Me: A pork sandwich.
Cashier: With cheese?
Sticking it. To. The. Man.
Now I know I’m only ripping them off for 80 cents but that more than makes up for the dude being a dick. Don’t you think?
Except I thought I was going to get busted last week because he asked me if I wanted cheese (after I already stated I did) and he went inside. A few minutes earlier he told me to go pay for it while he was making the sandwich. I already told the cashier I didn’t have cheese so I started to panic. Like he was on to me and was going in to check if I stated that I wanted cheese. Then maybe call the fuzz.
But he came back out. Turns out he had just ran out of cheese and was getting more.
If he called me on it I was gonna act all groggy and confused and say, “Cheese? What? Oh sorry. I didn’t know what she was asking.”
* Sometimes I feel like getting cocky when they ask if I have cheese and in a loud, bellowing voice say, “Do I have cheese on this sandwich? Not me. Nope. Just pork and long hot peppers. Just those two ingredients. You see… I don’t care too much for cheese mind ya’. Watching the ole’ waist line if you know what I mean. So no. The answer to that question concerning the addition of cheese is absolutely not. I do NOT have cheese on this sandwich. Now please tally up my pork and pepper sandwich so we can settle this transaction and I can be on my merry - cheese free - way.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
If you think about it, it's pretty strange that when you go to a restaurant and they give you a water or a soda that they also give you a straw. You don't use a straw at home but when they put them in front of you most people open them and use them.
Not me though. Maybe because when I was 18 I was drinking out of one and my brother-in-law said, "You look pretty gay drinking out of that straw." Then he imitated me. And if you think about it, most dudes look pretty fem drinking out of straws. I never saw Clint Eastwood drinking from a straw. It's OK for you ladies but if you're a dude? I suggest you just get whatever's in that glass the old fashioned way.
Of course the exception is a Slurpee. And sometimes a milkshake.
And why aren't crazy straws as popular as they used to be?
Oh, and those cocktail straws? I don't think they were ever meant for a person to sip out of. Right? They're more for stirring.
And why do a feel like this stupid post is something that Andy Rooney would write?
Monday, September 19, 2011
If you didn't know, TBY commentor Mr Crotchpains and I went to college together. He used to sing this Sesame Street song about having two eyes and other "two" things. I have no idea how it popped into my head.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
As promised two posts back I will now reveal my first grade lunch box. It was....The Beatles Yellow Submarine!
Well. Kind of.
For some reason - instead of my Mom letting me pick out a lunch box - she asked my Dad to pick one up. I have no idea what she was thinking. I remember him saying, "Jimmy I bought you a lunch box for the first day of school."
And I ran over. All excited. Until I saw it. It was a lunch box for the TV Show "The F.B.I.". Huh??? I don't even remember this show NOW. And I'm a TV head. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it was on the air from 1965 - 1974. Anyway, for me it was a boring ass lunch box. The graphics on the lunch box were basically a bunch of guys wearing suits. Hey Dad, wasn't "The CBS News with Walter Cronkite available?"
But what was worse is that I opened it up and the thermos was a Yellow Submarine thermos. IT DIDN'T EVEN MATCH THE LUNCH BOX! I remember saying, "I can't use this! It doesn't match!"
Then I remember:
Mom: (to Dad) Jim why didn't you check to see if the thermos matched?
Dad: Sally it was the last one there!
If you know my Dad, it was probably sitting on a shelf near canned goods because someone noticed that the lunch box didn't match the thermos and they just left it there. Then my Dad walked in the store, saw it next to a stack of canned beans and thought, "Well, good thing I got the last one." And picked it up and walked to check out.
So I was stuck with it. For the next two years I would pull all of my lunch out and close the lunch box. Then when nobody was looking I would open it really quickly and pour my drink into the plastic thermos cup and shove the thermos back in. Phew! Nobody saw me.
I think in third grade I moved on to carrying my lunch in a paper bag. Or a "lunch sack" as my hillbilly readers probably call it.
And I really wish I still had the Yellow Submarine thermos. I looked on Ebay a few years ago and they were selling for $250. Doh!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Dear Man that fell off his bike and into the mud a few weeks ago on the Struble Trail in Downingtown,
Hello dear sir. I'm the guy that watched as you tried to turn your bike and the tire clipped the side of the pavement and you went flying off of your bike and into the ditch of mud on the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few weeks ago.
To tell you the truth it was one of the funniest things I've seen in months. And I did ask "Are you OK?" And you said, "Only my pride." (which really isn't the correct answer. That would have been OK if I had asked, "Is anything hurt?" but whatever. You were stuck in a ditch with a bike on top of you and covered with mud).
But seriously. As you tried to make the U-turn and you were all wobbly? I was looking at how there's a 12" drop from the pavement and the grass and I KNEW you were going down. I KNEW it! Did it seem like slow motion to you too??
And what were you doing out so early? Do you have insomnia like me? There was nobody else in sight. Or did you take the bike out because you haven't ridden one in 30 years and you wanted to make sure you'd be able to navigate it. Which you did not. Like your wife probably warned you about.
But no...There was probably a big ole' fight. You probably said, "Helen I know how to ride a bike! You never forget!"
And Helen probably said, "Gene you're going to crash! Why don't you take some cones out to a safe, wide open parking lot and practice?"
But you didn't listen. I bet the guy at the bike shop even gave you a safety pamphlet and you rolled your eyes thinking he was an idiot. You were too excited to get on your shiny new bike weren't you? Little did you know...
Oh and Gene? The best part is when I walked past you and then looked back and you tried to get up and then you collapsed back into the mud. I saw that. It was like you gathered all the strength you had..got your body up a bit and then the old body said, "I can't do it."
I swear I was DYING to take a picture!! Well one good thing though is that you didn't roll further down the hill. So you got that I guess.
But seriously, if you're Googling "Biker Falls in Mud On Struble Trail" and find this post kindly let me know what your wife said when you got home. Did you walk in and start with, "HELEN DO NOT SAY A WORD!"
I bet you did.
*That's really the worst picture. This dude was COVERED with mud. And it really doesn't show the incline too well either.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
You gotta admit. This is pretty friggin' cute. Except I don't know why there's only one Japanese girl and the other two are honkies.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
What was in your lunchbag at school? Or were you a "buyer?"
My lunch bag consisted of three things from 1st to 12th grade:
1) Sandwhich - peanut butter and jelly, ham and cheese or turkey and cheese. White bread only thank you.
2) Salty treat - either chips or doritos.
3) Dessert: Some cupcakey thing. Like a Tastykake or Ring Ding. We weren't Twinkie people so never got one of those. And my Mom tried to sneak in Little Debbie's once and a while. You know my thought on those.
And I need to check with Mommy but I think she made my lunch all the way up through 12th grade. I forget.
Things could have been worse. I could have been given an egg salad sandwich like Lambert. Wrapped in clear plastic wrap. As opposed to the normal platic lunch bag. Why in God's name would Lambert's mom give him a stinky ass egg salad sandwich? It stunk! She probably didn't love him.
Or those people that were sent fruit in tupperware. Nooooo thanks! Or Hopton (dude had 7 and a half toes) that had to fold up his brown paper bag and bring it home because his mom was a penny pincher. Seriously, how much money are you saving a year from using 13 less brown paper bags? The dude always had a wrinkly ass bag. Shameful.
Then of course it could have been better. I kind of envied the people that got these:
Yeah so I'm at work and I asked one of my female coworkers if they had a mirror because I had this tiny area of dry skin on my face earlier and wanted to see if it was still there. She hands me a one of those compacts and says, "You can keep it."
And I put it in my desk drawer. So then the other day I had an everything bagel and I take out the compact and look in it to see if I had any poppy seed (the A-hole of all seeds) in my teeth and just then this chick walks by and looked over at me.
And with the look she gave me I'm like, "Oh no! She thinks I was powerdering my nose because I was using a compact!"
I'm sure she went and told everyone that I wear makeup. Fuckin' bitch!
I was going to track her down and tell her but then thought it would be weird if I brought the subject up, "Listen. Just so you know - I...I DON'T wear makeup. I'm a dude. Not a chick. So uh....are we clear with that?"
Maybe I should just drop it. Well..I guess I COULD have her killed..Naaa. I'll just drop it.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dogs I would never own:
Lhasa Apso (Yeah right. And I’m going to start wearing dresses)
Schnauzer (I’ve never met one I’ve liked. Always out of control)
Dalmatian (one of the dumbest dogs)
Bichon Frise (gayer than poodles)
Chinese Crested (remind me of dirty rats with skin conditions)
Bedlington Terrier (Have you ever seen these freaks?? I mean come on now! Look at it. How do you walk down the street with this thing?):
Dogs I WOULD get:
Akita (One of my neighbor’s used to own two. Very loyal)
Australian Shepherd (cool medium sized smart dogs)
German Shorthaired Pointer
Labrador Retriever (Had one that died. Bingo. Best dog ever)
Boxer (too drooly)
Doberman (only if I could find one that I could trust)
Irish Terrier (maybe)
English Mastiff (don’t live long enough and too big but my brother has one that I like*)
Newfoundland (too big)
Rhodesian Ridgeback (would need to learn a bit more about them first)
Bernese Mountain Dog (too big)
* the photo above is my brother’s dog. The picture was taken when she was about 9 months old.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Well I'll tell you one thing. I love going to the movies but I HATE paying their ripoff prices for food. I know, I know, that's how they make their money. But tough luck. I'm not going to pay $7 for a popcorn and then $6 dollars for a soda. Especially the soda because I only take a few sips of it anyway.
So I usually smuggle a water in but lately I've been smuggling popcorn in. And I was super paranoid the last time I smuggled it in. I had it a sweatshirt wrapped around it and had it under my arm.
And it was super obvious that something was being hidden. And I just head it under my arm. As if I sweatshirt is THAT bulky.
And I had just made the popcorn seconds before I left the house so I think I was reeking of popcorn. I was imagining the steam coming out of the top of the sweatshirt. AND it was a different kind of popcorn that I usually get and it had this cellophane that was loud as hell. So every time I moved slightly you would hear: Crinkle. Crinkle. Crinkle.
Then in my head I was thinking about what I should do if they said, "Sir what is under your sweatshirt?" The options I was mulling over were:
1) "What? Nothing." (But then I was thinking they'd probably follow me into the theater and wait till I undid the sweatshirt.
2) "What? Under my sweatshirt? This thing that is as big as a football? Hmmm? (Opens up sweatshirt and acts surprised) What the? How did...how did this bag of popcorn get in stuck to my...? Well THAT'S weird."
Well I didn't get caught so I didn't have to do anything. Oh. And my new tradition is also bringing in peanut M&M's. Then I alternate popcorn bite...M&M bite. Salty and sweet.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Look what's on TV now! The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Here's a clip from the funniest scene where he's on laughing gas. I remember seeing this as a kid and cracking up.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I really should be like 280 pounds*. I don't know why I'm not because I eat so much junk.
I think I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. Here's what I've consumed today (by 12:30):
Tastykake Krimets (breakfast)
2 tic tacs
Large sticky bun (someone brought to work)
Cheesesteak with extra cheese
Snickers ice cream bar (large)
9 glasses of water (not all at one time)
I was thinking about writing down what I consume for a week then reconsidered. Mostly because I might see the amount of booze I drink and be all, "Huh??" But maybe not since I only drink about three or four days out of the week lately.
Maybe I'm not a fatty because I exercise a lot. And I also don't eat huge portions. Like some of you guys. Like those dudes that can eat two cheesesteaks? I could never do that. Maybe I have a small stomach. And I do skip meals sometimes because I'm not hungry.
Oh. And I rarely eat anything after dinner. Like some of you that sit on your couch and devour and whole bag of chips or eat ice cream from the carton. Hmmm. Maybe YOU'RE the one with the problem?
*I'm 6'2" and about 195. Actually I'm 6'2" and 3/4 but I don't want to lie and say I'm 6'3" and I don't want to always say "and 3/4" because it sounds like I kid who says, "I'm 4 and a HALF"
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I'm sickened that Carson Kressley is going to be on Dancing With A Star. Sickened.
And does that make ME gay? That I care about who is on Dancing With A Star? Probably not. Because look...I think it's called Dancing With "A" Star. "Star" being singular. Which means I probably don't watch the show. Which means...I'm probably straight.
Anyways, back to Carson Kressley. I just can't stand that dude. He's totally full of himself. Just rubs me the wrong way. And no...not because he's a total fem. But on the subject of fems I can't stand do you know who else I despise? Cojo! I hate that dude! He thinks he's hysterical. I hate him! Here he is:
OK. You're probably thinking I'm a homophobe. I will now prove that I'm not. Because here's a flamer I love. I give you...Richard Simmons. But Richard. Please. Can you get a new pair of shorts? It's been 25 years.
Another gay I also love Paul Lynde. Who are YOUR favorite gay people?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Alright I swear I'm not making this up or exaggerating.
I was walking the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few days ago. It's a nice trail that borders the Brandywine River. Delightlful. It's about 80% shaded too. So if you want to keep your smooth, alibaster skin perfect it's the place for you.
So I see a couple approaching me. They're holding hands. I could tell as they got closer that they were in their teens. Once I'm about 20 feet from them I realize that the dude is an Indian and the girl is a.... Wait for ittttt...a mongoloid!
And this is where it turned weird. As she's passing me she gave me this look. A look of convidence. As if saying, "Yeah. I've got a boyfriend." I swear to God it was just weird! Or it was like how a vampire would look at you and he was saying to you, "This is OUR secret. Are we clear with this?" Usually when a retarded person looks at you it's obvious that they're retarded but she looked completely lucid. The whole thing was just odd.
And is it even legal for a normal to date a retarded person??
Or maybe she just LOOKED mongoloid like Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley (see picture below) but I swear she was retarded.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
One time I was putting up drywall with some dude. And I had just met him. So we were working very closely.
And I had to hold a piece of the framing material. I forget what it’s called. Like the skeleton of the wall before the drywall goes up. I think you know what I mean. So I’m holding the metal piece and his hand is about 5” from my face because he’s holding a level and I see this:
Well I see “B.” “A” shows a normal pinky and “B” shows the pinky I saw. It was a pinky that had been cut off and it had an itsy bitsy nail grafted (I assume) onto a part of the amputated finger to trick the viewer (I assume) into thinking that it was a normal pinky. So kinda like at first glance someone might be like, “Oh my God is that a chopped of pinky?..oh no..there’s a finger nail. Let me just get back to what I was doing.”
A bit deceiving if you ask me.
But I wasn’t tricked. Oh no. It caught me so off guard I kind of froze. Like in horror. Like when someone jumps out on you and scares you. And that few seconds after you’re trying to recover. So I just looked at it.
A similar thing happened when I was a busboy at the Lion’s Share Restaurant in Exton and I reached down to clear a plate and was caught off guard when I noticed that the dude had one of those fake arms. I’m talking the old school kind with the hook thing at the end and the wires that help it move. You know that kind?
And I had the same shocked, deer in the headlights look.
Did that ever happen to you guys?
Monday, August 22, 2011
When I was a kid we'd visit my cousin's about three times a year. My father and his sister didn't get along. That's why it was so infrequent. And that was fine with me. Because even though they were nice. They were total nerds. And it was always a really uncomfortable visit. Kind of like, "You kids are the same age. You must have things in common. Go hang out together for three hours."
I remember going over once in about 5th or 6th grade and as as soon as I walked in the door the two cousins that were my age were like, "Jimmy! You've got to hear this record!!"
So we went upstairs and they were so excited running up, "This is the funniest thing you ever heard! Wait till you hear this!" I knew there was no way it could be.
And they proceeded to put on "Mr Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. It's supposed to be funny. And they sat there and stared at me in anticipation. So excited. Waiting for me to laugh.
And I sat there stonefaced. Uncomfortable. Knowing this was one of the stupidest things ever. And then they started mimicing it as it was playing. I remember being so uncomfortable so I pretended to laugh at parts. But I've always been bad at that. Especially when something is SO not funny. And I STILL hate when people do that. They'll say, "Bill, tell that hysterical story you were telling me." And depending on who is telling it I can tell right away it's going to be a snoozefest.
And they were all, "WAIT..LISTEN TO THIS PART!! '..with me is the local sheriff. Sheriff? What do you intend to do?'"
And then they'd look at me. Then when it was over they would crack up and say, "DO YOU BELIEVE THAT!! We gotta hear that again!!!" And they put it on again. And again. And yes....even again. Here is the nightmare:
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I'd like to take a moment to tell you what I've been loving. Inglefoffer thick-n-creamy horseradish.
I've always been more of a "prepared horseradish" fan. You know...how there are specs of horseradish and it's not creamy? But sometimes it's not hot enough. You don't get that back of the throat heat zing that goes up to your nose sometimes. And most of the horseradish sauces aren't hot at all.
I really should do a taste test with various horseradishes but in the mean time I'm going with Inglehoffer thick-n-creamy.*
I just had it on a turkey sandwich. And it was so friggin' good. So go buy some. Tell em' Zibbs sent ya.
Seriously, like if the stock boy is standing there tell him I sent you. And report back to me about what he says.
Actually wire yourself so you get it on audio. Then transcribe it when you get home. So you don't fuck it up. OK. Get to work.
*Note to self: consider introducing myself to people as "Thick-n-creamy"
A few random things about movies:
- I saw Final Destination 5. It was OK as expected but the special effects were unreal. Especially at the beginning when the bridge collapses. Great death scenes. I couldn't watch the scene where the chick goes to the eye doctor though because it skeeved me out too much.
- Watched Scary Movie 2 again on TV and it's still got some really funny parts. Every scene with Chris Elliot is hysterical. With his little hand. And he tries to touch everyone's face with his itty bitty hand? See picture above.
- For some reason I watched most of Backdraft on TV the other day. Oh brother what a piece of melodramatic crap. The most laughable being Billy Baldwin's character saying to Kurt Russell's character in the ambulance: "Hold on. Hold on you son of a bitch!" (when he thinks he's about to die)
- Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Holy crap did anyone see this?? The movie overall isn't great but the special effects on the apes is great! Oh my God.
So there you go.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I don’t remember what made me think of this but here’s a story of something that happened when I was 21. It’s one of those stories where you think everything is going really good….and then things go wrong. Terribly wrong.
I was at this college bar called The Rat in West Chester. And I see this girl that was a year ahead of me in high school. She was pretty good looking but I didn’t know her that well. She had been a cheerleader and although we didn’t talk in high school I met her after high school through some mutual friends.
So I see her across the bar and I had a few drinks in me so I go over to ask her to dance. She’s all excited to see me and says, “Yeah! I’ll dance with you!”
She was what one would call “peppy.” Annoying really. But I didn’t care at the time because she was hot.
So we go out onto the dance floor. The dance floor is packed. And from the beginning she was starting to annoy me because it was like I wasn’t even there. She was kind of just dancing to herself.
She started doing cheerleader moves. You know…like kicks. Then moving her arms around like she had pom poms in them. I was thinking, “What the hell is this queer ass dance??” It looked totally retarded. Then people started to back away and give her room. She was making a total spectacle of herself. I forget if people were laughing at her but I think they were.
And she kept getting more and more into it. Doing that jump where both legs bend and go behind you and both arms are into the air. Then single kicks..then…(and I’m not kidding)..she did a cartwheel. On the dance floor.
That’s when I kind of just shamefully backed away into the crowd. Giving a look of, “What the hell is that chick doing?” The song ends and she jumps up and down as if a touchdown was just scored. Gayest fucking thing you ever saw. I think I just said, “OK then. Thanks.” And walked away.
So what do you make of that?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
HAHAHA!!!!!!! What the hell????
Well they do get the message across. So what do you think? Notice those are beer goggles he's wearing.
I think in the outtake he pulls a gun out and kills her.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Here’s an idea for a commercial that I’ll be offering Old Country Buffet*:
- Instead of “All you can eat,” The promotion will be called “All Hugh can eat.”
- And Hugh will be this huge fat fuck. Close to four bills. The following is just a random brainstorming list of some ideas for the commercial:
- Opening of commercial shows Hugh pulling up in his handicap van and hobbling up the six steps to the restaurant. (Stopping twice to catch his breath).
- Huge stands at the hostess table and is greeted by a cheerful hostess who says to Hugh “follow me” – giving the appearance that he’s being seated in a real live restaurant and not a homeless shelter grade dining hall. She reminds Hugh of the “no sharing policy.” She looks at him again and says, “Seriously…no sharing. We’ll find out if you do. And you won’t be able to come back. Are we clear with that?”**
- Hugh drops his oxygen tank at his table and makes his way to the vittles. Mother’s pull children from his path as if guarding them from a charging rhino.
- Hugh wraps his sausage fingers around the dirty ladles and drops food onto his plate: Heat lamp crusted mac and cheese, unseasoned baked chicken, mashed potaters topped with fatty gravy and more….much, much more.
- His plate is loaded. A young chubby lad looks up at him, “Hey Mister, you don’t need to load up your plate THAT much because it’s all you can eat.”
- Hugh looks at the boy, leans down as much as he can and with garlic and cigar breath hitting the kid’s face with the intensity of a CVS handheld hairdryer says, “No mother fucker, It’s all HUGH can eat. You got that? All HUGH can eat. So get the FUCK out of my way!”
- Then cheerfully the announcer explains that although it’s all HUGH can eat, it’s also all YOU can eat. Both really. Hugh AND you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like everyone can eat at Old Country Buffet. Hugh AND you….the person watching the commercial. All creeds too. Seriously. Everyone.
*Commercial to be filmed at the Downingtown Old Country Buffet.
**See what I did there? I worked the problem of sharing right there into the commercial. So it’s crystal clear that people know. Maybe slow zoom in shot of a video camera will follow - with a huge eye peering out. Not sure what it will do to the pacing or tone of the commercial. That decision can be made in editing.