And for her birthday get her some insurance!
God I would love to see the reaction of the woman getting this as a gift. And probably best to hand the "gift" to her is in a Tiffany bag. So you can savor the full spectrum of facial expressions. 
Some print ads with some captions.
He's a prospector Timmy. A dirty, stinking prospector. Not a respectable accountant like me. And guess what? He's never going to find gold. Not a bit. I KNOW he has a donkey but that's not the point! Helen turn off the God damn TV!"
....."HAHAHAHA!! So I'm like, 'Yeah, I AM fucking your wife'..he goes to hit me and she smashes him in the back with a...with a...hahahaha...with a fucking iron!!!!!!"
I KNEW I was wasting all these years believing in God!
"Hey fatty get over there and eat your lard. Three more pounds and we can get the Lane Bryant catalog for free."
"That's it. Finish your 7up Sweetie and Mommy will give you some corn on the cob."
Feel free to leave your alternate captions in the comments section. It's not a contest so don't get all nervous.
Here are a few 70's ads I found on the internet:
...And then, kick her down a flight of steps and dump some garbage on her. That's what they really want.
You mean I only have to make a multi-year commitment and potentially put my life in danger and I get some fine luggage? I'M IN!! Wait. Is it that faux alligator skin? It is? OK. Just checking.
That's right ladies. I'm a model. You may have seen me struttin' my stuff in that trousers ad. Remember that? Sure you do. But what's great is that now you can get my image in postcard form so you don't have to clip out my trouser ad and tape it to an index card and pretend it's a postcard. You're too sophisticated for that. And plus look at my sexy belly hair.
Just when I thought the Gremlin couldn't get any cooler you can now get it with seats that look like denim!
I have nothing funny to ad here. I just wanted to remind myself to track down these shoes. Seriously, look at them.
