Embarrassing Incident That Happened To Me At Chester County Hospital.

I may have posted this story before on TBY but maybe not so here goes. Grab a piece of rug and gather around Indian style as I tell you this tale*:

A few years ago I found a lump on my nut. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say "nut"? You do? Good. I see my doctor and he sends me to Chester County Hospital to get an ultra sound on...yup...my nut. I have to admit, I was nervous that they were going to find something wrong with me. But turns out it was nothing serious. Rest assured that I'm still perfect in that region.

So I go into the ultrasound room and the nurse comes in. And she's a total MILF. Brunette, pretty eyes, cute little body, hot nurses outfit and the faint smell of Chanel. OK, I made that last part up. But she was hot.

She explains what I'm supposed to do, "I'm going to leave the room, but I need you to undress. Then, I need you to lay on your back and place your penis on your stomach and cover it with this towel. I'll be back in a few minutes." And she hand motioned the whole thing with her forearm representing the penis an open hand representing the towel. Almost the way a flight attendant explains safety procedures. As if to try and put me in "clinical thinking" mode. Nice try.

So she leaves the room and I follow the instructions but I'm really nervous that I'm going to get a boner**. Because she's hot and she's going to be rubbing warm goo on my nuts. How cants ya??

So I cleverly position the towel in a way that creates a "wiener reservoir". You know, like I prop it up in a tent type fashion so that if the boner begins, the fabric of the towel will not move. The boner will simply grow into the reservoir area while she innocently rubs the ultrasound wand on me - in a slow rhythmic motion...the heat adding to the pulsating...Oh...sorry.

The nurse returns, the lights are lowered and she begins. I swear the only thing missing were some candles. She squeezes the warm ultrasound stuff on me and starts rubbing the wand on me. And it feels good. Really good.

Guys, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm just looking at her. Kind of dreamily. Then I'm like, "OK, I better not look at her". That might start "the reaction". So I close my eyes. And can I tell you it felt so good. It was so relaxing and sexy at the same time. Then, I must have started to daydream because, almost instinctively I gave a slow thrust. (That means my hips moved up. The first stage of "pumping" if you will).

Mid-thrust I realize what I did and I freeze. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?? I'm thinking maybe I can lower my thrusted hip really slowly, like over the course of a minute and she'll never know.

Who am I kidding? It was so fucking obvious. I tried again to convince myself that she didn't notice but then I just started getting embarrassed. I couldn't even look at her. The shame.

The procedure ends and she says, "That's about it. You can get dressed now." And she leaves the room. I get dressed and walk out. And I swear to God I'm not making this up. She standing there telling the nurses something, they're all laughing. As soon as they see me they go silent. Now I do tend to be paranoid but I really think she was telling them the story.

If anyone is is from Chester County Hospital and has heard this story please let me know. Thank you.

*I was reminded of this tale after @FrogCheeks (on Twitter) mentioned something about a hot nurse.
**An erection of the penis.

I Love This Little Girl Doing Her Daily Affirmation. Cute.

You've probably seen this little girl doing her self affirmation talk in the mirror but I just needed to post it here. I can't stop imitating it now.

And if you follow me on Twitter, you'll notice she looks like a miniature @JennRuss .

Some Random Food Things. Lazy Ass Meme Post. Oysters.

Here are some random food things about me because I can't think of anything to write.

- The smell of canned beets could make me puke. If you paid me I wouldn't eat them.

- I like the idea of oysters and I will eat them but after about six I start thinking about them and it grosses me out.

- I love stuffed olives. I could go for some cheese stuffed olives right now as a matter of fact.

- Every time I have calamari I think it tastes like rubber and I wonder what the fuss is about.

- My favorite cut of beef is the rib eye.

- I really need to make the Mac and Cheese recipe that BE Earl sent me. Except I might modify it by putting some bread crumbs on top.

- My mom doesn't strain the fat off of gravy. No wonder I always had stomach aches growing up.

- Until I was in 8th grade I only had pasta a few times. It was when my Mom wasn't there and my Dad had to cook. And I swear he used tomato paste instead of sauce because I remember the teensy tiny can.

- I love to make and eat twice baked potatoes.

- Shrimp doesn't taste as good as it used to. Even from places that say it wasn't frozen. It just doesn't have the flavor it used to have.

- My favorite sandwich is the Italian Style Pork Sandwich (with long hots and sharp provolone).

- I couldn't live with out garlic and onions.

- I love to look at product packaging.

- I love movie popcorn but can't find a really good microwavable popcorn. Know of any?

- I like hot foods but I hate when people make it so hot just to show off that they can eat it.

- I love Tabasco. I can't stand Frank's hot sauce but somehow there are 5 bottles in my cabinet. I'll probably use it for my deer repellent (mix with soap and spray on vegetable leaves.

What are some of your food things?

The Cat Empire Car Song And Seeing Videos.

Has anyone ever heard of "The Car Song" by The Cat Empire? It's one of the songs I listen to on my Ipod walks.

And I love this song but I really don't like the video. I hate when that happens. So you might want to listen to the song but not watch the video.

Happy Birthday Pac Man and Maybe Pac Woman. Video Games.

Happy Birthday Pac Man. You're 30 years old today you old fuck.

I was actually more of a Pac Woman fan. Or "Ms.Pacman" as you squares probably called it. I used to play it all the time at the video arcade "Time Out" at the Exton Mall. I even taught my friend Flare some of the patterns. And I'd let him win once and while because he never really "picked it up" like I did.

The only other game I really liked was Galaga. All the other games can kiss my ass. Especially pin ball. I always hated pinball. But I did like the sounds pinball machines made and I'd liked to laugh at some of the body contortions people would make as they played.

Oh yeah. And I did like to lean on the machine when somebody was playing it until they yelled, "Get away, you're gonna tilt it!"

I do kind of feel bad for kids these days because there aren't any real arcades left. Just the crappy ones.

Stupid progress.

Weird Nightmare I Had Last Night. Zombies and Susan Sarandon.

Check out this nightmare I had last night.

I look out my window and a zombie is walking past my house toward my neighbor's house. But the zombie is Susan Sarandon. I'm all, "What the hell?"

So a few minutes later my neighbor comes running over.

Neighbor: You've got to help me! There's a zombie trying to kill me.

Me: No.

Neighbor: Well at least give me some toothpicks.

I hand her two toothpicks and she runs out the door holding them like tiny swords.

I then grab a butcher's knife and run upstairs and hide in my closet.

Does that make me a coward? I'm thinking no because as I recall, I think that I was thinking that I was in a movie and I was acting. But I'm not sure.

And how was she going to battle a zombie with toothpicks. I don't get it.

The Time I Faked Going To The Math Teacher Before School. Stupid.

I always hated math and was always terrible at math.

To be honest, I can't even add numbers in my head. Like if you asked, "What's 49 plus 137?" it would take be a while to figure it out without using pencil and paper or my fingers.

Does this mean I'm dumb? Probably...nobody really knows.

My son is taking calculus and I was telling him that if I was given a year to learn it and pass the class with at least a B and was to be rewarded $10,000 I really don't think I could do it.

I have math on my mind because the other day I was thinking about the time I was getting a D in math so my parents told me I had to go in early to school for a few weeks and get extra help from the math teacher.

So for weeks, my Dad drove me into school. I think it was 9th grade. The only problem is that I hated the teacher so much that I never - not once - went to him for help.

Well one day on the ride in my Dad says, "I'm going to come in today and talk to the math teacher and see how you're making out."

I was all, "No. You don't want to do that. He's always in a hurry and everything..."

"Well he'll have to make time. I want to talk to him."

So I sat there knowing that I had to tell my Dad I hadn't been going in after weeks of him changing his schedule to drive me there. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. So I kept saying, "Umm. I gotta...umm...the thing is...."

When we finally got to the school and parked I told him. And he exploded on me! "Are you kidding?? I've been driving you to school all this time and you never went in?" It's probably in the top five of the most pissed I ever saw him get.

To tell you the truth I forget if I was grounded or not or if they made me really go in and meet him in the mornings after that. I think I blocked it out.

Mother Jugs And Speed. Remember?

I remember seeing the movie Mother Jugs and Speed years ago but I forget if I liked it or not.

I may need to rent it.

Thoughts?

Danny O'Day Ventriloquist Dummy (Figure) Now In My Possession. Creepy.

"Whu r you doi oher dare?"

Sorry, that was me talking "Ventriloquist" - what I was saying was, "What are you doing over there?" You could tell though. Right?

Remember when I told you (probably via Twitter) that I was at my Mom's and there was an unclothed ventriloquist dummy aka Danny O'Day smooshed in a plastic bag by her front door? Which in itself was freaky because it looked like a corpse. A tiny, lipstick wearing corpse.

I asked what it was all about and it turns out it was my nephew's but he was so freaked out by it my sister had to just "get it out of the house".

Well his loss is my gain. My Mom waited to give it to me because she had to get the clothes for it before she gave it to me. You know, because "it just wouldn't be complete"...I guess was the thinking.

So now it's mine. All mine. And I'll have you know that I had this very dummy when I was a kid and was kind of good at using it. I even "studied" ventriloquism. Well, if studying means reading a "book of tips" and practicing in my room that is.

And I've already had great fun freaking my family out with it by doing things like peaking it's head in a room and making it mouth things like, "MUST. KILL." And I've only had it for a day! Imagine what the next 30 years holds?!

*And note that MY Danny O'Day is not dressed like the nerd in the picture above. MY Danny O'Day is all classy with his tux and top hat. Eat that bitches!

MUST SEE. Peter Wolf And Shelby Lynn Rock Tragedy.

One of the best concerts I saw back in the day was the J Geils Band. Because Peter Wolf is one of the best front men. He's a crazy man.

Here's the song Tragedy from his new album. It's Shelby Lynn and Peter Wolf rehearsing it and it STILL sounds great. Tell me this song doesn't give you chills.

I just heard that he's going to be at The Note in West Chester. I think I may have to go.

Cashiers Need Better Training You Slow Pokes! Wawa.

I usually get a USAToday at Wawa. Mostly for the Sudoku. And if I get Theresa the cashier, this is what happens:

- She turns the paper around.
- She looks at the headlines.
- I hold my money out.
- She finally takes my money but continues to read the headlines.
- She then put the money in the register.
- She slowly hand me the paper.

And it drive me crazy! And it's not even like she comments on a story to make conversation. She just wants read the paper.

Of course I don't have the balls to say anything to her. I wish I were my Dad sometimes because in a second he would say,

"OK listen, I come in here everyday to get a paper, and I'm in a hurry but you have to scan the headlines. I'm really going to have ask you to do that on YOUR time. Not mine. Now if it happens again I'm going to have to talk to your manager. Are we clear on this?... Are we clear on this? OK. Have a good day."

Patty Duke Show. Identical Cousins. Parody.

Who DOESN'T check Youtube at least once a day to see what videos related to the Patty Duke Show have been added?

Come on....don't lie.

Here's a random one I just found. It's kind of funny.

BREAKING NEWS: TBY SNAGS INTERVIEW WITH CRAIG BIERKO.

As you know, many celebs follow Dr Zibbs on Twitter. They also follow my Father Kelly character. One of these people is Craig Bierko. To see what he's done, click here. (You can follow him on Twitter @MrCraigBierko . Please do so, and tell him Dr Zibbs sent ye).

And now, ladies and gentleman, I give you Craig Bierko:

Before we begin, Dr. Zibbs, may I just say what an honor it is for me
personally to be interviewed by someone like yourself who, despite a
total lack of access to actual show business, has nevertheless -
through shear pluck and good will - managed to hook AND pull a big
fish like me into the boat. Good for you - and, if I may, good for
America.
Just felt that needed to be said. Okay, fire away - show 'em how it's done!

1) Who are some of your celeb friends?

What are you, retarded? You kidding me? "Who are some of my celeb
friends?" And did you really just say "celeb"? Like you don't have the
time in your busy day of sleeping in, masturbating and tweeting me for
favors to say "rity"?
"Celeb friends" like you're Rona Barrett. Idiot.

2) Do you have any celebrity arch enemies?

It's the second question and I already hate you. Actual hate. Not
dislike. I dislike Hitler, cancer and "iCarly." You, I hate - and not
only that, I long to beat you to death with your own shoe.

3) You are one of the tallest famous people. Which means your probably
one of the best fighters. Who couldn't you beat up in a fight?

(Craig just stares. After ten minutes, not having so much as blinked,
he is audibly snoring)

4) You were originally cast as Chandler in Friends. Are you kind of
glad you didn't get the part because people would still sing that
stupid theme song to you as you walked the streets?

Well, it's a compelling question - and certainly one that I haven't
been asked by and endless parade of socially tone deaf, bottom-feeding
corpse tripe zombies like yourself - so, congratulations up front on
that, right off the bat. Once again, you could've asked me anything -
why not ask the one thing I'm quoted on everywhere on the web?
But, to answer your question, I appeared on the first three seasons of
Friends as the seventh friend "Glenn" - but the role just didn't seem
to gel with the overall tone of the show and, in retrospect, maybe
Glenn shouldn't have addressed the camera directly and rolled his
eyes whenever one of the other characters said something sarcastic. I
take responsibility for that choice because the producers asked me to
stop talking to the cameras on numerous occasions.
Also, it was a very tense set because I was dating Courtney, Lisa and
Jen at the same time - so they all hated each other and I think it
shows on screen.
Ultimately, the decision to leave was mine - though the idea of firing
me originated with everyone else. The idea of Glenn lighting himself
on fire to protest underpaid Wal-Mart greeters was pitched by
Courtney, Lisa and Jen, I believe. That was real fire by the way -the
cast insisted we make Glenn's death as real as possible for the sake
of the comedy and I didn't want to cause any more tension than I
already had so I agreed - and that's why I'm covered head to toe with
these knotty oozing scars, by the way. Anyway, it was a cute scene.

5) You were hysterical in Scary Movie 4. Do you have plans to do more comedy?

Yes.

6) According to Wikipedia, you've been "involved with" Charlize
Theron, Gretchen Mol, Janeane Garofalo and Meg Ryan. What does
"involved with" EXACTLY mean and more importantly, did my name come
up?

You're clearly not employed - so there's no network weasel standing
over your shoulder telling you to stop masturbating so much and
demanding that 65% of the questions you ask appeal to the tastes of
the "short forehead" set - so why would you spend the precious gift of
your non-corporatized, totally unrestrained yippie-ay-oh-ky-ay,
rootin' tootin' motherfucking journalistic cowboy freedom on some
stupid question unworthy of the dumbest, soul-dead Entertainment
Tonight cunterviewer?

Good god, Zibbs - men and women in uniform are getting blown apart
into dog food, scraped off the walls of Iraq and Afghanistan to ensure
your freedom of speech - and this is how you honor them? By asking the
guy from "Scary Movie 12" where he placed his pud? Man, I can't wait
for the sweet, sweet giddy release of beating you to death with your
own shoe.

7) When will me...Dr Zibbs and Father Kelly be doing a project
together? I'm thinking maybe a Father Kelly drama. I'd like to cast
you as the Pope.

Fuck you.

Thanks again!

Is there lunch? I was told I'd be given lunch.

/////////////////////

To see my favorite Bierko clip from Scary Movie 4, check out this post I wrote.

I Love This! Brandi Carlile Doing Dreams. Teary.

I love this song Dreams by Brandi Carlile. They've been playing it a lot on WXPN.

It stops be in my tracks and kind of gets be choked up whenever I hear it. Even though it's catchy, it's got some "pull at the old heart strings " lyrics. As my friend "The Child" likes to say.

Do you like it? (I've included the lyrics below so you can sing along).



Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep
And you, you are in my Dreams
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak

And now in my dreams,

I can feel the weight, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
Keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the weight
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams

(And then an amazing guitar solo)

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin' signs?

And now, in my dreams
I can feel the weight, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
I have dreams, I have, I have, I have Dreams

Dukey. You Were One Bad Egg. Cursing Leads To Life of Crime?

At the request of my friend Flare aka Anonymous (friend since 7th grade) in this post, I will introduce you to Dukey.

Dukey was a neighbor growing up. I'll just let you know about him with some random items in bullet point form:

- If you called him Milton the Monster he'd say, "Fuck you you fucking asshole dickhead!

- One time he yelled out the car window at a nun: "You need to get fucked by a dick!"

- He would go on the CB radio and curse people out. Once he yelled to "the Phantom" (an adult neighbor): "You're a fucking dickhead Franz! Her son takes it in the butt!*"

- He made it a habit of rolling down his car window (or bus window) and spitting on people.

- He was all mechanicy and shit so he installed a speaker under his hood and he would yell stuff to people on the street, "Hey fat fuck! Get the fuck out of the way before I smash into you and break my God damn car you fucker!"

Where did Dukey end up? I'm not sure but he was arrested a few years ago for running a chop shop operation where one of his partners faked his suicide - pretending to jump off of the Ben Franklin Bridge in Philly*. The story was re-enacted on America's Most Wanted or one of those TV shows where they re-enact crimes. A proud moment for the neighborhood. (And believe it or not, his parents were very normal . He was just a bad egg)

There are a million more stories like these. Maybe Flare can add a few in the comments. If he isn't too busy being all lawyeree and shit. You fucking lawyer!

Did you grow up with a Dukey?

*This was soooo against FCC rules. I have no idea what that means but everyone always talked about how cursing on the CB was a major crime.
**The suicide note included, "Dukey, see you in HELL!" (true story)