Hooked On A Feeling. Three Versions.

In case you forgot. Do NOT Hassel the Hoff!....



But here is the version I really like from BJ Thomas. Come on. Lets dance. Don't be shy.



And then of course you have the version from Blue Swede with the "Hooga Chocka." A bit racist if you ask me.



Which one do you guys like best?

Best Bagel in Chester County. Downingtown Wegmans. And Bagel in Westfield, NJ.

...And kick and two and kick and serve the cream cheese and two and...Oh sorry. I was just thinking about what that bagel logo guy above was probably saying. (And a little ragged on the choppers don't you think?)

That's the bagel logo at Bagel Chateau in Westfield, NJ. I had some the other day when visiting TBY commentors Mr and Mrs Crotchpains. And they were deeeeeelisssshhh!

Here's a picture of the actual bagel:



And look at how the Crotchpains family are all fancy with that plate. I bet they think they're royalty or something. Fancy ass bitches.

And on the subject of bagels you might remember me in a recent post bitching about not being able to find a decent bagel here in Chester County, PA. Well I found one! And guess where I got it? At Wegmans! Man I should have started there on my bagel quest. In case you've never heard of Wegmans they're a regional supermarket chain that I love.

Way to go Wegmans*! Except - as I tweeted you - you really need to get better toasters in your Downingtown store. It takes forever for me to heat my bagel. Other than that you get the THAT BLUE YAK seal of approval.

Oh, if you're wondering what kind of bagel I get? I get the everything. Oh yes I do.

*Also @Wegmans I never heard back from you about me selling you the phrase, "Get your Weg on!" I think I originally proposed $5000 for use of the phrase for two years in all markets. I'm willing to discuss the price but am standing my ground on me being in the commercials.

Rod Stewart. Do You Think He's Sexy? Adam Carolla.

Do you want his body? Do you think he's sexy? Come on baby. Let him know.

Man is that picture disgusting. They've been laughing about it on the Adam Carolla podcast. They'll show it then when people see it they just scream and start laughing. And does anyone listen to podcasts? I should write a post about them. I listen to a lot. What are your favs?

And now here's another Rod Stewart picture below. He looks like somebody's rich Aunt don't you think?

Ricky From Partridge Family. Ricky Segall.

Ahhh-Haaaa!! I KNEW you were Googling your name Ricky Segall from The Partridge Family. So what you been doing for the last 40 years? I heard you were a priest or something.

If you want me to interview you send me an email at Lebner1 at Yahoo dot com.

OK. Keep it real.

West Chester Blogger Considers Boring This Dude About Wolves.

I'd like to go to a party sometime and when I meet some dude all I would talk about would be wolves. Like I would back him into a corner and bore him to tears with wolf facts. The various kinds of wolves, their habits, what they eat, a book idea I have where a a kid is taken in by wolves and he someday has to leave them but meets up with them again when he's older.....

Then when I'm done with the dude I would mingle around the party and say, "What's up with THAT dude? Between you and me he wouldn't shut the fuck up about wolves!"

Then I would leave the party but peek in the window waiting to hear a group of people surrounding the guy and the guy frustratingly saying, "NO! It was that dude in the green shirt that was talking about wolves. Not ME? I don't give a crap about wolves! Right Bill?....Tell them!"

But nobody would believe him.

I might leave a patch of wolf fur on his windshield too. Not sure yet.

Grapefruit Prank Phone Call I Did. Philly Sheraton Hotel.

Man I wish I had recorded some of my classic prank phone calls that I used to make with friends back in the day. I'd be rich I tells ya!

My friends and I would gather around a table and put the phone on speaker and go to town. Here's one call I made at 3:30 in the morning to a hotel in Philly...

Hotel Desk: Sheraton Philadelphia may I help you?

Me: Yes Room 212 please.

Room 212: (Groggy) Hello?

Me: (Super cheerful) Hello there sir this is the front desk and I just wanted to say good morning and remind you that we have a complimentary grapefruit waiting for you down here.

Room 212: (Pause) Are you kidding me? ....It's 3:30 in the morning.

Me: No sir. The grapefruits are free for all of our guests. Are you coming down?

Room 212: Why are you calling me now?

Me: Because of the grapefruit.

Phone hangs up. I dial number again and get put through to the room.

Room 212: Hello???

Me: Well I will tell you one thing. This grapefruit isn't going to eat itself. That would be impossible. Do you even LIKE grapefruit sir?

Room 212: IT'S 3:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

Me: No better time for grapefruit. Right?

Click.

Racist Stuff Infuriates Chester County Blogger. Oh Come On Now!

Oh my God I can't believe this. Right in the head!*:


What?? No muss???



Huh?? Why I never!..



Oh come on!...



OK this is just....



*Fun fact: I had a great, great Uncle that was kicked and killed by a mule in the coal mines of Scranton in the 1800's.

Wasabi Restaurant Waiter Gets TBY Award. Bradford Plaza.

I will now open the envelope declaring the winner of the TBY Chester County Unique Waiter Gesture Award (even though the answer is in the title). And the winner is....

The tall waiter from Wasabi Chinese and Japanese Restaurant in Bradford Square Shopping Center (Next to Giant)!!

*Balloons fall from ceiling*

And the reason? Most waiters simply put your food in front of you and say, "Here you go." or "Enjoy."

Not this this guy.

He places the meal in front of you and does this hand motion. The hand is in a fist and then he opens his fingers toward the food - exposing his open hand. Then a very slight raising of the palm. Kind of like what a magician does when he shows you the rabbit that he just pulled out of his hat. Right before he says, "Ta-DAAAA!"

Do you know what I mean? It's like, "I now give you....this food. Behold it's glory."

Not sure if he made this move up or if it's what most Japanese waiters do. Either way, he wins the award. Which means.... all you other waiter's lose. THIS year. Now get to work on your gestures.

Beard Net Wearer Spotted At Chester County Wawa.

Oh man what a treat! I was at my local Wawa today* and saw the deli guy wearing one of those disposable beard nets. And he was acting as if nothing was wrong!

I wonder if they tell you before you start there if you're going to have to wear one or if you go through the training and then they say, "Oh and there's one more thing Carl. You need to wear a disposable beard net."

I bet some people quit. Don't you think? Because it looks so dumb?

And look at this robotlike actor below that I found when I Googled "beard net." What up wid dat?




*I'd tell ya'll the Wawa but I don't want to shame the dude. Being that everyone in Chester County reads this blog and it's super influential and everything.

Dick Van Dyke And Falling Over The Ottoman.

Man I used to love the Dick Van Dyke Show. I wish it was in reruns more.

When I was a kid and it was in reruns I was pretty good at imitating the opening trip scene. Here it is:

Why Don't We Just Dance? Country Style.

When I make my country music video it's going to be me stooping down feeling the dirt in my failed cornfield. I look at the dry dirt and as the wind blows it away I look toward the big city in the distance with anger. Knowing that those God damn city slickers caused this.

The image of my grand pappy appears above me. He's driving his tractor. A tear in his eye.

But until then here's a country song I like. Video is dumb but I like the message.

Vid-e-o dedi-caaaaaaay-tion!

(And sorry in advance if you have to view a short ad first)

True Story Of My High School Typing Teacher. Great Lovers.

See that woman above? It's Mrs Ritchie. My high school typing teacher. Yes....we had typing class in high school. It was right after my Intro to Telegraph and right before Butter Churning.

And the dude below is Remo*. Let me just set the stage. Mrs Ritchie was tough as balls and said what was on her mind. Remo was a dude from Italy that appeared in our school in 10th grade and thought he was hot shit. He thought he was God's gift to women. I swear that in the yearbook he wrote:

Good Looking, "Stud", Hopes to become a great gigalo, Soccer 10.

I'm not shitting you.

So he comes into typing class one day and has a huge hickey on his neck.....

Mrs Ritchie: (Approaches Remo) Remo what the hell is on your neck?

Remo: (In thick Italian accent) It's a hickey. I am a great lover!

Mrs Ritchie: Great lover? You're not a great lover.

Remo: (Can't believe she just said that) No! I AM a great lover.

Mrs Ritchie: (Casually) Nope. Great lovers don't leave hickeys. You're no great lover.

Remo: YOU ARE WRONG! I AM A GREAT LOVER!!

Mrs Ritchie: Naaa. You just THINK you're a great lover.

Remo: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I AM THE BEST!

Mrs Ritchie: Nope. I'm afraid you're wrong on that one. OK everyone turn their workbooks to page 23.

I thought he was going to punch her in the face or say, "I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU HERE AND NOW!! YOU'VE DISRESPECTED ME IN FRONT OF THIS CLASSROOM OF MY PEERS!"

Could you imagine that conversation going on today. There'd be a friggin' lawsuit.

*And for the record "Charles F Linder" is the person in the picture ABOVE Remo.

The Whip Tavern Makes A GOOD Hot Pastrami Sandwich.

I went to the Whip Tavern on Saturday for lunch. It's a quaint little place. It's hidden in the rolling hills of Chester County. Customers include horse people, bike riders, motorcycle riders and people with bad teeth that want to pretend they're actually in England. I wish it were a bit larger because you're really packed in but it's pretty cozy. And it really feels like and English pub. Just don't yell "Put some more shrimp on the barbi!" because that's actaully an Autralian thing.

I had the hot pastrami sandwich which is hot pastrami and swiss on marbled rye. Mmmmmm - MMM! It was good. (See picture below).

I'm not sure if you can get pastrami all over the country. There aren't too many places that serve it in Chester County. It's actually pretty easy to make though. It's basically a beef brisket that you cure for a few weeks then you smoke it. Need to put that on my list of "things to cook."

Chester County Man Sees The Artist At The Downingtown Theater.

Oh my God did you guys see the movie The Artist? If you didn't then rush out and see it! I didn't think I was going to love it but I did. Oh. And that's Berenice Bejo in the picture above. She's one of the stars.

It was such a great movie. After yelling for the first five minutes, "We can't heeeeaaaaar it....Turn the sound up pleaaaaaasse..." I realized it was a silent film and settled in. And you would think that being a silent film would make it boring but it didn't. It's just a really touching story. But I don't think I would have loved it so much if it weren't for the two lead actors. Just great performances and so likeable.

I think I'll add it to my favorite movies of all time which include: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, American Beauty, Waiting for Guffman, Goodfellas and uhhh...uhhh.. God that's all I can think of now. I'll add some more in the comments when I remember.

Now back to Berenice Bejo. Oh baby. Just love her. But I'm a sucker for women with perfect features, big eyes, face that lights up when they smile and you can tell that they're super sweethearts. And her character has a great sense of humor in the film too. So she's got it all.

Yup. That's my type. Here's another picture of her:

Something To Cheer You Up. Van Der Beek.

When you're in a meeting today....

And things are really intense.....

Try not to laugh.....

When you think of this:

New Chester County Author Shares Book Exerpt.

...After she checked into the Arizona hotel room she changed into her suit. A yellow number with a black stripe. One day of hair leg growth wasn't going to stop this girl from jumping into that God damn pool.

She ran down the hall into the elevator. Like a school girl. Clutching her towel. She pranced to the pool and came to a sudden stop. This can't be. She stood clutching her Lady Taz towel in horror looking at the pool. No. The coldness of a Pennsylvania March ran through her.

She watched as a half feathered duck fought with a deflated intertube. "Quack quack quack!"

The water was too murky to reflect the tears that were building in her eyes. First they tell me that the lazy river was closed. Now this. Standing in a daze the slowly swirling, sewerish water combined with the pool pump hypnotizes her. Taunting her. The skull of a raccoon floats by. It has a few bandaids stuck to it.

The bandaids are holding a clump of hair to the skull. She pulls the hair off and it hits her. Her mind flashes back to the two hobos that she saw fighting earlier downtown. One had pulled the hair of the other. But what were they fighting about?

She thought long and hard. The banana stickers. That's it! The bigger hobo - Zeke - had a collection of stickers that he had pulled from various bananas and had stuck them to a piece of driftwood. He called it his banana sticker collection!

"This is a vital piece of important information that I need to solve a crime even though I'm here in Arizona for an Insurance convention and I have no background whatsoever in solving crimes!"

End of chapter

Hol-eeey shit I'm a writer! Did you guys read that!!!! Man this literature stuff is intense! Can you feel it? You can? Pretty easy too if you ask me. Not sure what all the fuss is about. Alright I'll tell you when the whole thing is done. Should probably take a few hours. Then it's simply sending it to a few publishers, sit back and prepare for the bidding war. Woo baby!

(Novel based on real life events inspired by @AMK195's business trip. She will be receiving a royalty of .002 % and I'm allowing her to appear on some of the local talk shows.)

Chester County Pizza. Not Much To Offer. Exton. West Chester.

I'll tell you one thing. If you live in New York you're lucky because you can't get great pizza here in Chester County, PA. It's amazing that a food that requires so few ingredients and a very simple cooking process results in so many different things.

I've read that the water is the key to why New York has the best pizza but I've heard that the oven that it's cooked in is also crucial. Here are my picks for a few of the "pretty good" slices that you can get in Chester County. The first is from Rocco's in Exton. Pretty good thin crust. Gemme dat!


Next up is Marzano's Pizza in Exton (Next to the Duncan Donuts on Route 30). Kind of a light and airy crust but great sauce! Philly mag mentioned it as one of the best in the area.



And lastly the good old Las Vegas Pizza. This place has been around for at least 35 years. I used to go there in high school. Not toooooo shabby thin crust*.

So what's your favorite pizza?

*One time in high school I took this chick to the Exton Drive-In. Then on the way home she was like, "Let's stop at Las Vegas Pizza!" I stopped but was kind of embarrassed because she was super loud and annoying. When I walked in I was thinking, "I hope nobody I know is here." And Phew!! Luckily the coast was clear.

Downingtown Regal Theater Badass Incident. Courage.

I finally blew my stack at the movie theater.

You might recall I told old people to shuusssh a few months ago by saying, "Will you please stop talking??"

Well this time it was a pack of kids. A wolfpack if you will. I'm guessing they were about 12 years old. But they were wolfey. AND scrappy.. And they wouldn't shut their yappers. I did the classic head turn first. Trying to show I was pissed. I don't think they even heard me.

I was thinking maybe I would walk to the back row all creepy style and say, "This is a theater. You don't talk in theaters. So I need it quiet. And for the damage you've done so far I'm going to take your popcorn. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to return to my seat and TRY to get back into the zone of letting myself go."

Instead I just blurted out, "SHUUUTTTT UUUPP!!"

I was kind of pissed because I was hoping the other in the people in the theater would start clapping. Or I would hear someone say something like, "Stanley why don't YOU have the courage to do something like that?" As she leans her head trying to get of glimpse of me. Wondering, "Who IS that man?'

But instead it went silent. A few of them laughed. Friggin' punks.

Of course then I was stewing so when the 15 year old usher came in I whistled and waved him over.

Me: I need you to kick the back row out. They won't shut up.

The usher walks to the back then returns.

Usher: I told them to be quiet. I'll come back in ten minute sir and you let me know if they're still talking.

They actually did shut up. So when the usher came back he looked at me and I gave him the OK signal. I was going to give him the thumbs up but thought they might be taken as, "kick them out."

In closing. Shut up at the movies.

West Chester Man Makes Simple Prosciutto Sandwich.

Ahhh. Sometimes life's simple things are the best. Here's a picture of a sandwich I made last summer that I found on my pocket telephone. Whenever I make something this simple I think, "Mmmm. I should make this more often." Then I forget.

It's just:

Crunchy-ass roll
Prosciutto
Mozzarello cheese
Roasted red peppers
Tomato (from my garden)
Basil (from my garden)
Pepper
Olive oil drizzled over top

And enjoy.

Uncle Buys Chop Suey Specs and Ruins BBQ in Exton.

BBQ in progress. Uncle Phil comes around from front of house

Uncle Phil: Hurroh everyone and chop suey to yoooo. And yooo!

Little Timmy: Hey it's Uncle Phil wearing funny glasses.

Uncle Phil: What's a cookin' at American BBQ?

Aunt Mary: Phil will you stop. That's racist!

Uncle Phil: What you talk about? Now Ima go Pearl Harbor on these American burgers!

Aunt Mary: Phil will you.....Oh my God! Look out for that roller skate!

Uncle Phil: Wha?.. WHAAAAAAA!!!

Phil falls and cracks his head open. Uncle Ned (who has had several first aid classes) checks his pulse.

Uncle Ned: I'm afraid....I'm afraid he's dead.

Who Else Loves Bobby Bitman and Sammy Maudlin? And Skip.

This might be my favorite SCTV sketch of all time. Except Sammy Maudlin didn't do his classic laugh in this one where bangs his hands in between his thighs.

And I miss my man John Candy.