CONTEST! Dead People. Classy Lawns.

WE'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT CONTEST HAPPENING OVER HERE.

I saw one of those "Lordy Lordy - look who's Forty" lawn things the other day. You know, where it's a big wooden cow then 40 little cows. Hmm....real clever.

They also have them when you have a baby with a bunch of little storks.

Well I have a better idea. It's probably really uncomfortable when a loved one dies and you have to tell all of your neighbors. Sure, you can go door to door and tell them or leave flyers in their mail boxes but do you know how time consuming that is? You're going to be plenty busy deciding if your loved one is only worth getting carnations for the funeral and searching your home for any hidden money the deceased may have stashed away. Greedy bastard.

Wouldn't it be much easier to display crappily painted wooden lawn art out front to announce that someone died? Sounds easy to me. Here are a few ideas:

- Grim Reaper running after person with caption, "You can run but I'm gonna catch you!"

- Miniature coffins.

- Angel, Devil and huge wooden question mark. Painted on the question mark are the words, "You decide". Maybe there can be a ballot box so neighbors can decide if they think the person is going to heaven or hell.

- Cute baby holding up finger with caption, "He was only dis old". (Sure, the baby might have 73 fingers but the whimsy of the piece will help to cheer people up during this difficult time).

These are just a few I came up with. I need to think of some more. Do you guys have any ideas?

This is where the contest part comes in. I will write, "(insert your name here) won the contest!" in the comments area. You can then print out my congratulatory comment and proudly frame it in your home.

Good luck!

Ground Floor Biz Opportunity - Hearing Ear Birds.

Blind people got it made. You know - with the seeing eye dog and all.

Well not really but some of them get the dog which is probably pretty cool.

Deaf people though - they get nothing. Until now. Ladies and Gentleman I give you...

The Hearing Ear Bird.

It's very similar to the seeing eye dog but it's a bird. And it's for hearing. Not seeing. At first I was thinking about using the ostrich but they can be very hard to train so I might have to try a few different birds out.

Maybe the parrot's the way to go. So like if a deaf person - let's say her name was Polly - was hungry for lets say - a cracker and she couldn't communicate that to the cracker vendor because sometimes deaf people talk in a way that people can't understand like, "I one cwaker"* - the bird in this case would be able to step up to the plate and aid in getting that cracker.

Please contact me privately if you'd like to get in on the ground floor of this money making business. I will need people to invest, people to train birds and people to find deaf people. Please figure out which area you'd like to help with BEFORE you call as time is money.

OK. I'll go wait by the phone now.

*Translation: I want cracker.