Getting Busted Having Sex. Ostriches. Crazy Ass Husband.

I wonder if some dude was ever having sex with a woman. And the husband came home.

And he's totally nude. Like TOTALLY. And he doesn't want the husband to see his junk so he covers it with his two hands. But the husbands comes at him to attack him and the guy has to fend him off so he just starts kicking him. (Remember, his hands are covering his junk).

And he's not karate style kicking him because the guy has no karate training. Sure, he's seen some Jackie Chan movies but it's not going to help in this situation. So he just kicks him the way an ostrich would kick. Like jumping up in the air and doing single kicks. A very goofy showing.

"Waaaa! Waaaa!" Screaming - almost birdlike as he kicks.

The husband isn't a great fighter so he's really just slap fighting the guy. Kinda sad if you think about it.

Then the guy - with one of his goofy ostrich-like kicks - steps into the bedroom trashcan. Yeah. I know. He runs down the hall squawking in his birdish screams and limping with the trashcan caught on his foot.

The husbands pursues him with a golf club.

...AND....CUT!

Does This Make Me Weird? Dodo Birds and Tap Dancing.

Sometimes I get these urges. Urges to approach strangers and do or say something weird. Well, they're not really urges. I just think about the stuff to amuse myself if I'm out somewhere and I'm bored.

Like there's an old lady walking down the street and I just angrily approach her, stare her down, then start violently tap dancing. Maybe in circles. Or maybe back and forth to block her way. Then I say, "Yeah..uh huh..that's right" (as if she knows what I'm talking about)..then I hug her and walk away.

Or I approach a random stranger and say, "YOU are going the way of the Dodo."

Then I see someone behind them, "No YOU are going the way of the Dodo." And I push the first fellow out of the way.

And I keep saying it to different people. Until I run out of people. Then maybe I start over. I'm not sure yet.

I think if it were captured on film it could make a great TV show. I would just love to see the reactions on the faces of these poor sad sacks.

Does anyone else ever want to approach strangers and do this or is it just me? Come on..don't lie.

Today Is Inventor's Day And I've Got Another Invention! Birds.

Tis' true. Today, September 29 is Inventor's Day. It's celebrated in Argentina and it's on the same day as the birthday of the inventor of the ballpoint pen.

Well move over Laszlo Hoszsef Biro (inventor of the ballpoint pen) because I will now unveil by invention for solving our planet's energy problems.

I give you:



...wait for it




...a little more



"The Dr Zibbs Energy Birds"

OK. It looks just like the drinking bird * that my sister Joan had when she was a kid but my DR ZIBBS ENERGY BIRDS will be fifty feet high and they'll be branded with the prestigious Dr Zibbs name.

Now I don't know how these drinking birds drink - I mean - who really does - but they do work. I've seen them doin' their stuff in person. So why not make them 50 feet high and line our streets with them? Of course you have to hook their up and down movement to something to capture all of their up and down drinking energy. What are they called?.. generators or something? ..You know what I mean...they "capture" energy then they....put it in that...in that thing.. You know. The thing that holds energy until me and you are ready to use the energy.

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. It's that thing.

So there you go. Does anyone really see a down side? I can't think of one.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go daydream about being in a parade that will soon me held in my honor as appreciation for my invention.

*practices waving and throwing hard candy to the crowds*

P.S. If anyone would like to leak this story to the press, I'd like my official title to be: "Dr Zibbs -the Eli Whitney of Drinking Bird Technology".

*I think my parents gave us toys like this in an attempt to trick us into Science. It didn't really work.

Ground Floor Biz Opportunity - Hearing Ear Birds.

Blind people got it made. You know - with the seeing eye dog and all.

Well not really but some of them get the dog which is probably pretty cool.

Deaf people though - they get nothing. Until now. Ladies and Gentleman I give you...

The Hearing Ear Bird.

It's very similar to the seeing eye dog but it's a bird. And it's for hearing. Not seeing. At first I was thinking about using the ostrich but they can be very hard to train so I might have to try a few different birds out.

Maybe the parrot's the way to go. So like if a deaf person - let's say her name was Polly - was hungry for lets say - a cracker and she couldn't communicate that to the cracker vendor because sometimes deaf people talk in a way that people can't understand like, "I one cwaker"* - the bird in this case would be able to step up to the plate and aid in getting that cracker.

Please contact me privately if you'd like to get in on the ground floor of this money making business. I will need people to invest, people to train birds and people to find deaf people. Please figure out which area you'd like to help with BEFORE you call as time is money.

OK. I'll go wait by the phone now.

*Translation: I want cracker.

Sea Isle Bird Attack. Funny Animal Attack Video.

It was pretty funny when my sister got attacked by a bird in Sea Isle this weekend. It was weird though. Ten people sitting on a deck at midnight, loud as hell and this bird comes out of nowhere and flaps into her hair. And it wasn't a bat either. I saw it with my own two eyes.

She was freaking out.

We were laughing.

Here's a funny video of various people getting attacked by birds.

Blogger Imagines Ladder Accident While On Ladder Yesterday.

Yesterday I was way up on the ladder trying to cut branches. You see, I need to get more sunlight going to my veggie garden.

I don't really mind the height once I'm up there but once in a while it spooks me. I looked over and a saw one of the red tailed hawks in another tree and I was imagining that he was going to swoop at me. I'd then accidentally push the ladder and I'd be hanging on for dear life.

I'd be yelling for my wife to put the ladder back. She'd finally get the ladder up but I'd be afraid to put my feet back onto it for fear of falling. We'd then get into an argument over whether she should call some neighbors to help or the fire department but I couldn't figure out which would be less embarrassing.

After a while people would start gathering at the curb to see what all racket was about.

This is a real scenario of the type of stuff that goes through my head everyday. Oh Lord - why was a cursed with this brain? It just won't stop sometimes.

Now enjoy this klutz falling off a small ladder.

Chester County Crows Probably Up To Something. Where Are My Hawks?

So I'm looking out my window here in West Whiteland Township (PA) and there are a bunch of crows. They're sitting like jerks on a leafless tree. And do you know what? They're probably plotting to make sure the red tailed hawks that are about to nest stay out of the area.

Last year, we had about 7 red-tailed hawks in our neighborhood and it was great. Once in a while, one of the hawks would grab a baby crow and the crows would battle it. Last Summer there was one time that there were at least 40 crows battling a hawk. And the hawks kept screeching for help and other crows were flying in from all directions.

It was pretty amazing to see. And there's also nothing more amazing then seeing a red-tailed hawk swoop down and grab a squirrel - my personal animal arch enemy.

Anyway. I'm hoping the hawks come back. I might have to harass the crows when I'm in the yard today. You know - like throw a rock at them, shake my fist and give them the evil eye.

Remember That Bird I Was Talking About On Facebook? I'm Thinking About Capturing It.

Remember my Facebook status yesterday? When it said, "Jim Zibbs is looking at a bird"?

Then later it said, "Jim Zibbs is wondering where that bird went. OH THERE IT IS!"

And then the blogger H said something like, "You are so weird but I find that endearing."

Well she might think I'm even more endearing because it's final. I've made the decision to capture that bird. Or at least have him eat seeds out of my hand. Or if not that bird (that bird that I'm looking at right now) another bird.

Does anyone have any experience doing this? If so, please let me know the steps and which birds it works best with. I'd also like to know the dangers. I will name the bird after the person that helps me capture him.* Also, I live in Southeastern PA so don't tell me how I can catch a Monkey Eating Eagle or an Ostrich because you'll be wasting your time and mine.

The only thing I tried to capture ever was a rabbit when I was five. My trap was a cardboard box propped up with a stick and the stick had kite string tied to it. I hid behind a tree but caught nothing. At the time I blamed my mom because she gave me lettuce instead of carrots for bait but I bet I was sitting up wind. Who knows.

*(Praying to self) Please let their name be Chirpy. Please let their name be Chirpy.

Oh There's Gonna Be A Group Pillow Fight At The Marriot

So if you didn't read the comments in this post from yesterday, you missed out on a potential blogger on blogger pillow fight that may be happening at a PA Marriot. The cat fight in the comments area gets pretty darn saucy so be warned. Some of the arousing words and phrases used were:

"Lesbian Lover"
"Swan Like"
"mud"
"Lacy underthings"
"Male Thing"
"tit
"bulging"

I'll be spending the next few days working through the logistics, getting corporate sponsors and making sure I'm groomed properly ala the Cowardly Lion * from the Wizard of Oz in that one scene near the end of the movie.

On the subject of fights, enjoy this real one punch fight at a PTA meeting that's one of my all time favorite videos. There's nothing funnier to me than when someone's being an a-hole or trying to act funny then something goes horribly, horribly wrong.



*If you look very closely, you'll notice that the Cowardly Lion in the link above is not Bert Lahr from the Wizard of Oz movie. Seriously, take another look. It's a young up and coming actor named Andrew Gonzales from the production of the Wizard of Oz at Hemstead High School in Iowa. I found the picture on the World Wide Web.

A Few Types Of Human Being That Bother Me - AKA Freaks

I'd love to say that I only look at someone's insides but damn it sometimes the outsides are so repulsive or peculiar I can't get over it. Here are a few types with specific features that I have no use for:

People that look like birds - It seems that there are more women than men. We all know what the bird person face looks like, but there's more to it. The neck is long and the shoulders are thin and sloped downward. And many seem to be very cocky in their attitudes. I'm sure there has to be a sociologist reader out there that can tell me the name of this type.

Fat dudes that think they're muscular - listen fatty, just because you're holding your arms out and wearing a shirt with a sports team on it doesn't mean you're a muscle strong man. Stop sucking in the gut and lay off the carbs.

People with nostrils that show too much inner nose - go get yourself a hand mirror. Now hold it to your side and look in your wall mirror. Jot down what you see. Now read back your notes. Does it say, "I see the inside of my dark cavernous nose. The outer portion of my nostril is at least 1/2" from the bottom of my nose." If yes, I don't like your type.

Chinless Bearded Dudes - You. With the beard and no chin. Do you think we think you have a chin under that beard? We know you don't have a chin. We know you can't change a pillowcase without using your hands. You've got no chin. Nobody's fooled. Be on your way.

People with a tooth growing above their normal teeth - You know what I'm talking about. It's the tooth emerging from the gum as if it's the only remaining portion of the twin they had in the womb. And unless I'm touring hillbilly country from the safety of a tour bus, I don't want to see it.

There you go. For now.