Monday, September 21, 2009

Why Can't Dr Zibbs Eat? Please Help Me With Food Issue.



So I'm at our dinner club Saturday night and guess what happens?

(reader): You start telling stories and have everyone cracking up?

Yeah but I'm talking about at dinner. OK I'll tell you. Within one minute of eating, I spill red sauce on my white shirt. Why Lord? And don't say because I shouldn't wear white after Labor day and it was God's way of punishing me.

I really can't figure it out. I don't eat faster than other people. I'm not clumsy in other areas of my life - like I'm not always tripping over things and dropping things. I just don't get it.

I eat at a normal pace but I'm always spilling things. If I'm eating a Buddy Burger the insides slip out then it splatters on me. If I'm not at my house or with close friends I wouldn't even think about eating chicken wings. It ends up all over my face AND I need ten napkins just to clean myself up while I'm eating. How the hell do you people eat chicken wings at a restaurant with your nice and neat delicate bites?
I've studied people and I still can't figure it out.

The only thing I can figure out is when I spill stuff in my car because everything is on the atlas that's sitting on my lap and I'm multi tasking while I'm driving. Remember the Sausage Gumbo incident of 08? (to read, click the word spill)

Maybe I need to video myself eating and take it to an expert. I don't know.

Does anyone have any theories?

32 comments:

Son of a Thomas said...

Maybe your facial structure is akin to a dribble glass.

Dr Zibbs said...

Son of A Thomas - I've actually been thinking that maybe OTHER people have better eating skills because they're less evolved and they're more like apes.

I don't know.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Oh, I know about the chicken wing one. And the answer is, anyone who is able to eat them without getting sauce all over their hands, their faces and at least three nearby tables is superhuman. It's just not possible for the average person to do. I know because I've spent many hours experimenting and I have yet to go home without my shirt being a record of every flavor I tried that day.

phd in yogurtry said...

It's a law of nature: man cannot make witty conversation and catch dribbles. Accept your burden and wear a bib.

Former Fat Chick said...

ADHD- duh, people with ADHD are much more ACCIDENT prone, in fact not to be grusome, but many of them die in accidents. T

moooooog35 said...

Open your mouth.

Food goes in better that way.

You're welcome.

Gwen said...

I was just telling someone Friday night that I won't eat wings unless I'm at home because I can't stand feeling that the sauce is ALL OVER MY FACE.

Outside a bib, I have no answers for you. Maybe your friend who made the mugs could make some TBY bibs. GOOGLE IT!

Dr Zibbs said...

Formmer Fat Chick - if I die in car I'm coming back to haunt you.

The Jules said...

Could it be the tusks?

The Jules said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SkylersDad said...

It's might be because you hired sir Richard Attenborough to follow you around and narrate your life. That is just too much pressure dude.

Dr Zibbs said...

HA! Good one The Jules. That made me laugh out loud.

Amy Jo said...

I think it's genetic. My father and I have the same issue, and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. The wing thing is like the holy grail of food messiness. Since I've had kids, I keep wipes on me at all times, and I end up using them on myself than on them.

Heff said...

I've NEVER eaten at buddyburger. Probably because it's apparently located on Gay Street.

Dr Zibbs said...

Heff - I do agree with the name Gay Street. Probabaly the gayest name for a street out there.

(Except for Butt Fucker Lane that is)

Kim said...

You're worried about it. That's why it happens. Be like most other men--totally unaware and clueless about anyone and anything around them.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

slow down, take a deep breath and chew slowly.

Good Lord Zibsy, no one is going to take it away from you. You should be able to relax and enjoy your food.

Some Guy said...

As you know, I have several videos in this area that that could help teach you proper eating habits. I already showed you how to eat ribs!

westchesterdead said...

I say wear the food carnage proudly on your face and upper torso in much the same way George A. Romero's zombies did at the all night buffet. When someone stares, just pause, stare back, and ask "What?!?!"

Ain't no shame in enjoying your food.

Kez said...

I personally suffer from ALWAYS spilling my first glass of red wine all over the place. It's so bad because everyone laughs and tells me I'm drunk as a skunk when it's my first drink and I only had a sip!

When you find out what's wrong with you and how to fix it, please let me know.

Dr Zibbs said...

HAHAHAHAHA - Some Guy, as soon as I saw your name all I could do was crack up because all I could think of was the video of you eating those ribs.

Dr Zibbs said...

P.S. If you die before me I'm showing up to your funeral with that rib eating video. AND I'll be eating ribs while I'm there.

Amy Kate said...

Um...know you are not alone. In addition to not being able to eat ribs in public (because I'd use a fork and knife which A) makes me a wuss and B) wastes a lot of meat and C) why have ribs if you aren't going to gnaw on them?!), I NEVER order sandwiches in public. Well, usually I don't, anyway. And burgers and sandwiches are ALWAYS cut into at least half, because otherwise the contents all spill out all over and the whole thing is pathetic. Sandwiches usually become open face with me in public, with a fork and knife. Sad, but true. SOLIDARITY!
Oh, but I have no advice. Sorry.

diane said...

I use a knife and a fork for everything, and avoid anything that might get caught in my teeth. Also, napkin goes on the lap, extra one by my left hand.
Or you could just sit next to someone who's sloppier than you and then no one will notice.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Zibsy, stop by today. I'm dropping a shout out to you-the reigning co-champ..

Dr Zibbs said...

Candy - I'm goin' there now.

Prunella Jones said...

I'm just guessing here, but maybe it could be the hook hand and the fact that you've got corn cobs for teeth?

Prunella Jones said...

Also, it's helpful if you refrain from fiddling with yourself while eating. Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with it, it's completely healthy! It's just that most people do that in private.

Slyde said...

im the exact opposite..

earl always busts on me because i am an annoyingly NEAT eater.

its the only thing in the world i am really anal about...

Dr Zibbs said...

Pru - DOTS A GOOD ONE!!

Slyde - Sounds kinda gay to me but..whatever.

WendyB said...

Eating disorders are so sad. Eating disorderly is even worse.

Dr Zibbs said...

Hmm...clever WendyB..clever.