It's A Cookbook! Scary Moments As A Kid. The Devil's Rain. To Serve Man.

Remember those moments as a child when you watch something on TV and it scares you so badly you look back and think, "I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack."

The other day I was thinking of when my son and I were on a run of watching horror movies. My son was about nine. And a friend of mine looked at me like a was crazy. But to tell you the truth he was never that scared. He thought the movies were fascinating. In fact, the more we watched the more I thought, "Is something wrong with him? Why don't these movies scare him?"

Then it all changed. We had been watching mostly modern day movies but I picked up some Twilight Zone episodes. Remember the episode, "To Serve Man?" With Lurch from The Addams Family as the alien? And the aliens seem friendly. They have a book called, "To Serve Man."

Well at the end of the episode as people  are getting on the space ship it's revealed that, "To Serve Man! (get ready...here it comes) It's a COOKBOOK!"

My son grabs by arm and starts yelling, "OH MY GOD! AHHHHHH!!!!"

And proceeds to freak out. He was spooked for the next few weeks. He said later it was so terrifying to him because of the shock that people were innocently getting on the ship they had no idea they were going to be eaten. Pretty spooky huh?

To read a post about a movie that scared me as a kid click here

And to read the Wiki page for To Serve Man click here
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Dukey. You Were One Bad Egg. Cursing Leads To Life of Crime?

At the request of my friend Flare aka Anonymous (friend since 7th grade) in this post, I will introduce you to Dukey.

Dukey was a neighbor growing up. I'll just let you know about him with some random items in bullet point form:

- If you called him Milton the Monster he'd say, "Fuck you you fucking asshole dickhead!

- One time he yelled out the car window at a nun: "You need to get fucked by a dick!"

- He would go on the CB radio and curse people out. Once he yelled to "the Phantom" (an adult neighbor): "You're a fucking dickhead Franz! Her son takes it in the butt!*"

- He made it a habit of rolling down his car window (or bus window) and spitting on people.

- He was all mechanicy and shit so he installed a speaker under his hood and he would yell stuff to people on the street, "Hey fat fuck! Get the fuck out of the way before I smash into you and break my God damn car you fucker!"

Where did Dukey end up? I'm not sure but he was arrested a few years ago for running a chop shop operation where one of his partners faked his suicide - pretending to jump off of the Ben Franklin Bridge in Philly*. The story was re-enacted on America's Most Wanted or one of those TV shows where they re-enact crimes. A proud moment for the neighborhood. (And believe it or not, his parents were very normal . He was just a bad egg)

There are a million more stories like these. Maybe Flare can add a few in the comments. If he isn't too busy being all lawyeree and shit. You fucking lawyer!

Did you grow up with a Dukey?

*This was soooo against FCC rules. I have no idea what that means but everyone always talked about how cursing on the CB was a major crime.
**The suicide note included, "Dukey, see you in HELL!" (true story)

You Mean You....An Old Lady Would Like MY Hair? Thanks!

I was talking to my friend @JennRuss on Twitter and I was asking her about her super curly hair and whether people insist on touching it. Of course she said they do. And sometimes they don't even ask. Strangers do this. I'm not surprised.

It's pretty rude if you think about it. I mean, I have like this really great ass* but people don't say, "Excuse me, but MAY I?" (then go in for a squeeze. Kneading it's glory with their fingers - pushing their palms into it - really...really geeettin' in there as if they were making bread. And the moaning? Please. Control yourselves)

OK. Back to the hair story. When I was between the ages of 5 and 14 my hair was really curly. And I'm not kidding when I say that at least 75 times in that period I would be out somewhere and something like this would happen:

Old Lady: (slowly approaches me with her other old lady friend) Oh my God!

Me: (starts to get embarrassed) Me?

Old Lady: Yes you. Your hair is so beautiful. Isn't it just precious Mildred?

Me: (tries not to act horrified)

Old Lady: (asks my mom) Is it real?

My Mom: Yes. Jimmy's hair is totally natural.

God was that shit embarrassing. And many of the old ladies would then say what was always the worst thing, "I wish I had YOUR hair!"

I just hated that. None of them ever asked to take my picture but I wouldn't have been surprised. Then they would have brought the picture into the beauty parlour and said, "I want my hair to look like THIS" - all crabby and whatnot while holding out the polaroid.

That's when I'm a proponent of the old hair dresser statement: "I'm a hair dresser lady not a magician". (Big ole fuckin' fight breaks out and Raul kicks the old lady out and bans her for life)

You tell em' Raul!

*So I've been told...through the random act of people squeezing it.

Popeye, Gumby and Zippo Lighters

Did you know that Popeye made it's first appearance in the comics on this day in 1929? Yup. And to tell you the truth I never really liked Popeye. I did however like the Sea Hag and Alice the Goon that were on the Popeye cartoon. In fact, that weird chin that the Sea Hag sports is one of my favorite features that some old people get. I hope I never look like that.

I do have a Popeye Zippo lighter so I guess I don't dislike it that much.

A show that reminds me of Popeye is Gumby. The reason is because when I was a kid waiting for the bus, it was either Popeye or Gumby that would be the animation that was showed during Philly's Captain Noah Show....or was it during the Captain Kangaroo Show? I forget. Anyways, here's the theme to Gumby. After making sure nobody's listening, sing along!