West Chester Man Wonders About This Olive Grabber. Crime.

I wonder if some guy was at a party one time and he hid behind a window drape. Then...at just the right time... when some snobby ass lady was standing within his reach, he sloooooowly extended the olive grabber (see picture above) that he was holding and grabbed her nip:

Snobby Lady: (slaps face of monocle wearing chap she's talking to) WHY. I. NEVER!

Monocle Guy: (shrugs shoulders) WHAT????

The then the dude with the olive grabber stealthily climbed out the window and escaped into the night.

The perfect crime.

West Chester Man Smuggles Popcorn Into East Whiteland Theater.

Well I'll tell you one thing. I love going to the movies but I HATE paying their ripoff prices for food. I know, I know, that's how they make their money. But tough luck. I'm not going to pay $7 for a popcorn and then $6 dollars for a soda. Especially the soda because I only take a few sips of it anyway.

So I usually smuggle a water in but lately I've been smuggling popcorn in. And I was super paranoid the last time I smuggled it in. I had it a sweatshirt wrapped around it and had it under my arm.

And it was super obvious that something was being hidden. And I just head it under my arm. As if I sweatshirt is THAT bulky.

And I had just made the popcorn seconds before I left the house so I think I was reeking of popcorn. I was imagining the steam coming out of the top of the sweatshirt. AND it was a different kind of popcorn that I usually get and it had this cellophane that was loud as hell. So every time I moved slightly you would hear: Crinkle. Crinkle. Crinkle.

Then in my head I was thinking about what I should do if they said, "Sir what is under your sweatshirt?" The options I was mulling over were:

1) "What? Nothing." (But then I was thinking they'd probably follow me into the theater and wait till I undid the sweatshirt.

2) "What? Under my sweatshirt? This thing that is as big as a football? Hmmm? (Opens up sweatshirt and acts surprised) What the? How did...how did this bag of popcorn get in stuck to my...? Well THAT'S weird."

3) Run.

Well I didn't get caught so I didn't have to do anything. Oh. And my new tradition is also bringing in peanut M&M's. Then I alternate popcorn bite...M&M bite. Salty and sweet.

Dukey. You Were One Bad Egg. Cursing Leads To Life of Crime?

At the request of my friend Flare aka Anonymous (friend since 7th grade) in this post, I will introduce you to Dukey.

Dukey was a neighbor growing up. I'll just let you know about him with some random items in bullet point form:

- If you called him Milton the Monster he'd say, "Fuck you you fucking asshole dickhead!

- One time he yelled out the car window at a nun: "You need to get fucked by a dick!"

- He would go on the CB radio and curse people out. Once he yelled to "the Phantom" (an adult neighbor): "You're a fucking dickhead Franz! Her son takes it in the butt!*"

- He made it a habit of rolling down his car window (or bus window) and spitting on people.

- He was all mechanicy and shit so he installed a speaker under his hood and he would yell stuff to people on the street, "Hey fat fuck! Get the fuck out of the way before I smash into you and break my God damn car you fucker!"

Where did Dukey end up? I'm not sure but he was arrested a few years ago for running a chop shop operation where one of his partners faked his suicide - pretending to jump off of the Ben Franklin Bridge in Philly*. The story was re-enacted on America's Most Wanted or one of those TV shows where they re-enact crimes. A proud moment for the neighborhood. (And believe it or not, his parents were very normal . He was just a bad egg)

There are a million more stories like these. Maybe Flare can add a few in the comments. If he isn't too busy being all lawyeree and shit. You fucking lawyer!

Did you grow up with a Dukey?

*This was soooo against FCC rules. I have no idea what that means but everyone always talked about how cursing on the CB was a major crime.
**The suicide note included, "Dukey, see you in HELL!" (true story)

PA Blogger Has Alot In Common With Stephen Colbert

OK everyone, it's time for a little quiz:

Charlene is to Stephen Colbert as Dr Zibbs is to??????

If you guessed Anonymous you're correct. After reading Anonymous's blog post I can tell you that it is true. I'm being stalked by him. I mean - think about it. We've never met, I take a picture at the Chester County Restaurant Festival and he just happens to be there taking a picture a split second before? Puh-leaase.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go practice my karate. Enjoy the stalking themed Colbert Clip:

Jesus Tells West Whiteland Man To Continue Taking Extra Wing

The following is true life story that actually happened to That Blue Yak Marketing Manager Ted Murphy:

First off, let me tell you that the wings at the Downingtown Wegmans are downright delicious. You can get 10 wings for $6,99. You get to pick from several styles including BBQ, Teriyaki, Southern style and more. It's a self serve so a few months ago it became a bit tempting to "accidentally" put an 11th wing in the box. My crime went unnoticed 5 times.

In addition to my eyes being bigger than my stomach and not being able to finish the wings AND thinking what I was doing might be wrong, I decided last week to even things out be getting only 9 wings.

Feeling like a saint, I went to my car to eat the wings. I threw my tie over my shoulder so it wouldn't get in the food. Then I lined my lap with paper towels because I'm such a messy eater that I need to take major precautions so I don't get food all over myself.

The carnage began. The wings were as tasty as ever and I ate them carefully as I drove over to the Home Depot across route 30. I spilled not a single heavenly drop of sauce on myself which was a miracle. I parked the car and reached for the extra napkins that I thought were in my car. To my horror, I was out of napkins and my hands were completely caked with sauce and the sticky teryaki sauce. It looked like I'd been having a catch with sticky buns. I tried to wipe some of the gook off with tissues but the tissues stuck like feathers to tar.

I decided that I'd have to walk briskly to the bathroom to clean up. My fear was that if I ran into someone and they put their hand out to shake I would have to say, "Oh, I can't shake - See? My hands are completely covered with sauce and tissues."

I arrived in the bathroom, turned on the water and this is the image that stared back at me:

I think we can all take this as a signal from Jesus that he was punishing me for taking 9 wings. I don't know why he wants me to return to taking 11 wings but I will have to follow his orders. He is Jesus after all.