Resusci Anne Was A Creep Fest! Mary C Howse Elementary Made Me Do This In 4th Grade!

*Points old straggly finger at Anne and talks like a ghost* "Kiiiiissss Meeee. KIIIISSSSS MEEEEE!!!"

Did you guys have to do the CPR Resusci Anne when you were in school? Where you had to perform CPR on this creepy ass dummy? I did. In FOURTH grade!! Then again in Seventh. But fourth grade. What were they thinking?

I remember thinking it was kind of scary but looking around the room some of the kids were terrified. Trying not to act nervous. And some were just super embarrassed that they were going to have to put their lips on this actual sized body and blow into it as the whole class watched. "Oh so THAT'S how you would kiss a girl? Oh I see."

I'm thinking of finding out how to volunteer at schools so I can be the person that teaches the kids.....

Like I would go into some schools in the South and make some of the racist kids do CPR on the black male Anne. Holding my clipboard I'd say, "So. You love blacks AND you're gay. Interesting." Maybe rig it so when their lips approach I pump something and it appears that the male Anne is getting a boner. Or just ugly it up with a mane of matted nose hair extending down right above the lips.

Or I would get really close to the kid and say something and when they turned around I'd be wearing one of these Anne masks and whisper, "Join us!"

And I'd choose one special kid that would get these baby Annes. Placed in their bed at night. And they would wake up to the sound of recorded voices saying, "Dad da. Dad da...."

Yeah I gotta get on that.

It's A Cookbook! Scary Moments As A Kid. The Devil's Rain. To Serve Man.

Remember those moments as a child when you watch something on TV and it scares you so badly you look back and think, "I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack."

The other day I was thinking of when my son and I were on a run of watching horror movies. My son was about nine. And a friend of mine looked at me like a was crazy. But to tell you the truth he was never that scared. He thought the movies were fascinating. In fact, the more we watched the more I thought, "Is something wrong with him? Why don't these movies scare him?"

Then it all changed. We had been watching mostly modern day movies but I picked up some Twilight Zone episodes. Remember the episode, "To Serve Man?" With Lurch from The Addams Family as the alien? And the aliens seem friendly. They have a book called, "To Serve Man."

Well at the end of the episode as people  are getting on the space ship it's revealed that, "To Serve Man! (get ready...here it comes) It's a COOKBOOK!"

My son grabs by arm and starts yelling, "OH MY GOD! AHHHHHH!!!!"

And proceeds to freak out. He was spooked for the next few weeks. He said later it was so terrifying to him because of the shock that people were innocently getting on the ship they had no idea they were going to be eaten. Pretty spooky huh?

To read a post about a movie that scared me as a kid click here

And to read the Wiki page for To Serve Man click here
. 

Bus Stop Buddy From My Fox Philly Brings Shame On Region. Jen Fred.

If you live in Philly you might be familiar with the cartoon guy below. He's from "Good Morning Philly." Or "My Fox Philly." Something like that. I refuse to take the three seconds to get it straight.

His name is Bus Stop Buddy. And when they do the weather they dress him in a way so kids know how to dress. Innocent enough right?

But they couldn't stop there. Nope. Someone had the bright idea to make a cheesy ass Bus Stop Buddy costume and parade him around the Philly area. In non weather segments. It makes no sense why he's there. I'm sure the cartoon designer never thought ahead to the possibility of the cartoon being a mascot because it just doesn't work. Look at the horrifying results:

They put him on a boat with the always annoying Jen Fred*. (I think that's her name). And it was 100 degrees. Not too safe if you ask me. Is this the most disturbing thing you've ever seen? Well hold your horses...

This one is even better. Look how a slightly different shot makes him look like a serial killer. That's right Bus Stop Buddy. You heard me. And you know the dude was sweating his ass off in there.

Watching this I just kept thinking, "Please fall in the water. PLEASE fall in the water." The head turned completely around as the person inside struggled to tread water....Camera shaking...announcer in studio: "Oh my. It looks like we've got a situation...OK listen we're going to take a quick break here and make sure someone takes care of Bus Stop Buddy and we'll be be right back. He's gonna be OK."

Then just off off microphone we hear the producer yelling, "I KNEW he should have been wearing a safety jacket! GOD DAMN IT!"

*Side note to Fox Philly producer: Did you ever call Jen Fred in a room and when the door shut you dragged you fingernails down a chalkboard? Then you said, "Jen. That is how viewers see you. This is the last time we'll have this discussion. Tone it down. Are we clear?"

Worst Book Covers. Lezbo Horse Stories. Basset Hound Hair.

Let's take a look at some book covers. Here we go....

I can see making a lamp out of your grandmother but this is widicalous! 

I swear I'm not making this up but when my son was five my aunt sent this to my son as a present. "OK I'm going to read this to you but do not...I repeat DO NOT ever call a black person Sambo. You're five now so I'm trusting you to listen."

Gay time eh? Looks like the guy painting is the "butt" of the joke...Naaaaa. Naaaaaa. Naaaaaaaaaaaa.

What the?? Ahhhhhhhhh! I'd like to get this book and sneak into people's houses and wake them up while holding this a foot from their faces.

Now DIS I gotsta read!

Man: Baby don't walk away...baby! Jesus has something he wants to tell you!

Little Person Satan: Excellent. She's falling right into my trap.

THIS POST IS NOT FOR BABIES! The Devil Inside.

If you know me you know I love horror movies. And my favorite are Satanic movies. But to tell you the truth I'm usually disappointed in horror movies. I'm always hoping to be super scared then it's like, "Meh."

But when I was seeing a movie with my daughter a few weeks ago the trailer for The Devil Inside came on. And maaaaaaaan it looks creepy and scary!

And not to scare anyone but if you have a heart condition PLEASE don't watch this trailer. I've made sure to get all of your locations and have placed a doctor outside of your houses just in case you start getting all heart attackey but you've been warned.

Nightmare and Dreams From Chester County Blogger.

I was away with my son two weeks ago at a hotel because he had to pick his college classes so we stayed overnight at a hotel. So in the morning he says, “Dad what were you having a nightmare about?”

And then I remembered what I did in the middle of the night. I woke up, sat up and loudly said, “WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA AHHHHHHHH!!!”

The “AHHHHHH” being a scream. Then I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come out. Kind of like a stroke victim, “A ra ra ra ra ra”…

I forget what the nightmare was about but I have been having more nightmares these days for some reason. And I wake up screaming.

But I still have tons of regular dreams too. Like the other night two people were trying to convince me to go to Halloween party at their CCD. I guess it was CCD for adults because they were two grown women. And I didn’t want to go because they wanted me to wear a grass skirt and be like male hula dancer. And I was too embarrassed to wear it. And because CCD is BS.

Then the one woman jumped on top of me and said I got a joke for you. And then she pretended to kiss me. She said, “Anda one…”. And I’m thinking, “OK this is weird.”

Then she kissed me for real and said, “..Anda two.”

And then she said, “…Anda THREE.” And then she pretended to pull a toy out of her butt and said, “Get it??”

And I just wanted her to get off of me so I said, “Oh yeah. I get it.”

What do you make of that?

Oh. And I had a dream last night that I had a staple caught in my dick and the local news stations were calling because they wanted to interview me.

I Was First On The Scene Of A Car Crash Yesterday. Bucks County.

Oh man. Yesterday was a doooozy. I was returning from Wawa near work and I slowed and stopped at a red light. Next thing you know a woman came screeching behind me and slams into the telephone pole right next to me! (That’s the actual telephone pole above. I can’t believe it wasn’t smashed in two) She was probably going about 40MPH. She must have been distracted and swerved so she wouldn’t hit me.

I look and I see the airbags. Her car is totaled.

I jump out and her face is covered with blood from the airbag. And she’s screaming and crying hysterically. Someone else at the Wawa saw it and called 911. It was pretty bad.

So I look in the back and there’s a baby in the back seat. His head was smooshed up and at first I thought maybe his neck was broken but it wasn’t. He was fine as far as I could tell. The woman is still screaming and appeared to be in shock. She’s saying, “My husband stole all my money and kicked me out of the house and I’m on my way to a woman’s shelter.” She repeated this about 10 times.

Then the baby started crying so I held the bottle through the window for the baby because I was afraid that if I picked the baby up I might hurt it.

A nurse must have seen what happened and ran across the street and was helping to calm the woman down.

When the police arrived I left. And then when I drove away I realized how surreal and crazy it was and my hands started shaking.

Yup. It was fuuuucked uuup!

Oh and in other car related news a deer jumped in front of my car this morning and I hit it’s foot. No damage.

I hope car related bad things don’t happen in threes.

My Phobia May Sound Retarded To You. Hugging.

Do you know what my phobia is?

Retarded people.

Not so much anymore, but when I was younger. And no, it wasn't their apelike strength that scared me. You see, as a lad I was very shy and I think my fear was that they would approach me and want to come up and hug me. Making a huge spectacle. And everyone would look at me.

Like I'd be at a mall or something and I'd hear a commotion. Then I'd round the corner and a retarded person (usually a mongoloid) would see me, stop in his tracks, and for some reason want to hug me. He would then start walking through the crowd, pushing people out of the way and clapping and saying something like, "Mikey! Mikey!"...like he confused me for someone named Mikey.

People would be watching him approach. Some pulling their children in closer. I'd be paralyzed with fear and then...the hugging would begin. And he would be petting my hair, "Wemember dat time that we went da fair? Do you wemember dat Mikey? Do you? ..What's wong Mikey?"

And I'd just stand there, pretending it wasn't happening as people watched.

"What's going on over there?"

"I don't know. From the looks of it some retarded character just found his friend Mikey."

Something like that.

Danny O'Day Ventriloquist Dummy (Figure) Now In My Possession. Creepy.

"Whu r you doi oher dare?"

Sorry, that was me talking "Ventriloquist" - what I was saying was, "What are you doing over there?" You could tell though. Right?

Remember when I told you (probably via Twitter) that I was at my Mom's and there was an unclothed ventriloquist dummy aka Danny O'Day smooshed in a plastic bag by her front door? Which in itself was freaky because it looked like a corpse. A tiny, lipstick wearing corpse.

I asked what it was all about and it turns out it was my nephew's but he was so freaked out by it my sister had to just "get it out of the house".

Well his loss is my gain. My Mom waited to give it to me because she had to get the clothes for it before she gave it to me. You know, because "it just wouldn't be complete"...I guess was the thinking.

So now it's mine. All mine. And I'll have you know that I had this very dummy when I was a kid and was kind of good at using it. I even "studied" ventriloquism. Well, if studying means reading a "book of tips" and practicing in my room that is.

And I've already had great fun freaking my family out with it by doing things like peaking it's head in a room and making it mouth things like, "MUST. KILL." And I've only had it for a day! Imagine what the next 30 years holds?!

*And note that MY Danny O'Day is not dressed like the nerd in the picture above. MY Danny O'Day is all classy with his tux and top hat. Eat that bitches!

BREAKING NEWS: A Ventriloquist Dummy Might Find A New Home! Creepy.

I was at my mom's the other day. She always leaves bags of things for us at the door so we doesn't forget to take the stuff she's either bought for us or wants to get rid of. It's usually cakes and pastries or magazines and coupons.

So I look down on the floor and I see something curled up in a white plastic bag*. Guess what it was? Yup! A Danny O'Day Ventriloquist dummy. Just like the one I used to have when I was a kid.

And I've got to tell you - it looked super creepy curled up in a plastic bag. Like it was a dead body. I should have taken a picture.

So then when I was over my sister's house the other day I was telling her about it and she said it was her son's but it was creeping the kids out so much that she needed to get it out of the house. They were terrified by it. She then said my mom put it in a bag by the door because, "She knows you like things like that".

Excellent. When I get it I'm totally gonna use the Flip camera and film it. Maybe I'll do a blog question and answer with it. What do you think? What is the best use for this figure (ventriloquist jargon for dummies).

*If I took a picture of the dummy in the bag it could be used on the movie poster of a movie I could make about a family that keeps trying to get rid of a haunted dummy. It could be called, "Don't Forget To Take Out The Trash" or "Just Put It In A Bag".

Wolf Attack Almost That My Wife Thinks I Was A Coward About.

I don't know what got me thinking about this and my wife never reads my blog but here is a story that I would like to share.

Years ago, my wife and I pulled into our driveway. (Now remember, we live in Chester County, PA. It's not the city, not the forest. It's the suburbs. But we do have pockets of woods around and tons of deer and the occasional additional wildlife).

So as we get out of the car and I'm like, "Holy shit! It's a wolf!*" And I run to the door.

Now the wolf never followed us but I never heard the end of it for ages because she thought I was pulling the George Costanza move where he runs out of the party - thinking there's a fire and knocks over an old lady. Selfishly thinking of his safety.

My thinking was that I was holding the key to the house so I could open it really quickly and we could both get in to safety. Which we did. I swear to God.

But she still thinks I was looking out for myself.

And looking back, maybe it wasn't a wolf but it may have been. Please chime in so I can print out this info and show her the results that total strangers voted on.

*Believe me. It was a wolf!

A Very Tenacious Halloween. David Grohl. The Devil. Rocket Sauce.

I think we can agree that one of the scariest things is the devil. And the food at Friendly's. And The Wheel of Fortune. And the chick from the Progressive commercial.

So here's a video to celebrate the spooky holiday of Halloween. I give you... Tenacious D having a rock off with the devil (played by Foo Fighter's Dave Grohl).

Enjoy your rocket sauce.

I Bet This Scares The Hell Out Of You. Devil Stuff. Exorcist 3.

So my new good Blog/Twitter friend Kristen left a link to this post from the Exorcist 3 in the comments section of TBY.

Now for you babies and people with heart conditions, I don't think you should watch the clip because you may start crying or you may die. From heart failure. After you cry.

And it brings me to this question. How can someone NOT be into horror movies? I think the people that aren't are just babies*. Except for people that aren't into movies like Saw which are just junky, gore porn nonsense.

So here you go. Tell me if it scares you:



*i.e. pussies

Horror Movie That You Need To See. Hills Have Eyes. Mutants.

When it comes to horror movies, do you know what REALLY freaks me out? It's not ghosts or serial killers or Larry King.

(yelling from the back): Is it Devil stuff? I bet it's devil stuff.

That might be near the top of the list but what really gets me are deformed mutants. That and mental institution patients. And no better place to see them than in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes.

I'm telling you it's pretty freaky. So what horror movies do you love?

(Here's the trailer. Warning: the trailer's not that scary)

Bates Motel, Spook Houses In Chester County PA. Scary.

So it's Halloween month. And I'll tell you what I'll be doing - going to the Bates Motel Haunted Hayride. If you live anywhere near Chester County Pa you should check this place out.

I've always loved spook houses and haunted hayrides but to tell you the truth, most are pretty lame. A few year back they had this one attraction that was so horrifying that you're not going to believe it.

You come through the woods and there's a guy that's had his arms chained to a tree stump. He's screaming for help. So of course a maniac comes out of nowhere with a chainsaw and approaches him. He's screaming his lungs off as the chainsaw maniac "cuts off" his arms. Now the kicker is...

..GET READY...HERE IT COMES....

They used a real amputee to play the guy that was having his arms cut off! So he's screaming then he runs up to us screaming, "MY ARMS! HE CUT OFF MY ARMS!..GIVE ME "YOUR" ARMS"! as he's shoving his bloody stumps in the faces of people.

Let me tell you that it was not only frightening but also really disturbing. AND, since I have a phobia of amputees (and sometimes retarded people if they approach me) I have to admit I was pretty scared.

I wonder how many were scarred for life?

Vince from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

Vince Schiavelli was great in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest....

But could you imagine if you came around a corner and saw him. You have to admit..it would be frightening.

Don't lie. Admit it.

Blogger Header Contest. Twitter. Sam Raimi. MTV Movie.

Here are a few things to go over:

- The winner of the TBY header contest is Mr Condescending. Thanks! Look how great my new header looks.

- There were eight other bloggers that sent header designs and it was tough to narrow it down to one. If you'd like to share your design, put it on your blog on Wednesday and I'll write a post with links. If you don't want to show it I'll still give you a link.

- Go see the Sam Raimi movie Drag Me To Hell. It's great fun. Seriously, don't be a big baby. Go see it. Boo!

- I'm totally obsessed with Twitter now. It's great to have a place to write all the weird stuff I think about all day. Click on my sidebar to join Twitter. Give it about a week and I think you'll love it. But I really have to stop reading the Tweets while driving. I can't help myself I tells ya...

- Why do I watch the MTV Movie Awards every year? What a fucking joke.

Weird Sylvania Commercial From Strange Land Creepy.

Here's the final video in TBY Creepy Video Weekend. I know the weekend is over but I wish it weren't.

It's a commercial for Sylvania. It was filmed in a strange, faraway land where it's normal to have picnics in cemeteries.

Seriously, what's up with the dude flying on that stick??

West Chester Pike Michelin Man Might Scare Stupid People Or Foreigners.

(talking in a foreign accent) "Run for life! Run for the life!"

A bet that's what a really stupid person or a foreigner might scream if they saw this Michelin Man that is positioned very scarily over this hill on West Chester Pike.

I mean, I know they've got to sell tires but is it worth the risk of frightening the stupid and people from different lands?

I'm not sure.

Marijuana Joint Not Found at Downingtown Movie Theater.

To the kid that was working at the Downingtown Regal theater and cleaned up the theater after I saw the movie Knowing yesterday. And he saw a joint sitting in the cup holder that I left. So he slipped it into his pocket then went into the bathroom to check it out more closely.

But then when he was examining it in the stall he realized it was just a twirled up napkin that Dr Zibbs just twisted because when he goes to the movies he does that as a habit. Especially scary movies. And it looks exactly like a joint.

My message to you is this:

SUCKKKKK-AAAAA!

Now get back to work. You missed some popcorn I dropped under my seat when the alien looking dude opened his mouth and scared Nicholas Cage.