Daughter Tries To Get Me Do Imitation for Her Teacher. Jerry Lewis Jimmy Stewart Hybrid.

Oh man I was totally put on the spot the other day. I picked my daughter up from school and while my daughter is standing next to me a teacher comes over and says, "Oh Dr Zibbs, you daughter tells me you do a perfect imitation of Doctor R&#$%##  from Kids First. My kids have gone there for years!"

I'm totally taken off guard and I'm all, "Uh yeah...I do....Yeah he's a real character....Well uh...nice to see you."

We walk out and my daughter is laughing, "Why didn't you do the imitation Dad? She was waiting all afternoon to hear it?"

"Because I don't even know here!" Ha!

And trust me. The imitation is so spot on and over the top that it's almost frightening to the person hearing it. The doctor sounds like a combination of Jerry Lewis and...

...Jimmy Stewart. With a tinge of a hard of hearing retarded person. And the imitation is based on the time the doctor was asking my son some questions about a fender bender he had gotten into. And when I do it I have to get really close to the person, stare them in the eyes and with lips kind of flapping and head nodding it goes like this...

"So Jack WHO exactly was driving the automobile that hit you from behind? Was it an older gentleman?...(exaggerated hand motions) Um...a mother with a young child perhaps?...Someone YOUR age?? Who was it?"

Then he says, "Now I'm assuming you like the attention of pretty young ladies* Jack is that correct? Oh good because I'm going to have you wear a neck brace for a few weeks and young ladies will be approaching you to inquire what exactly happened...because they'll see you with the next brace...and they'll be curious..I'm sure that's something that you can live with...am I correct in saying that Jack??..(turns to me) See Dad, I didn't think he's have a problem with that."

And as the imitation goes on people usually back up because I'm right in their face. It's kind of scary actually.

Oh well. Maybe if I get to know her I'll do it for her someday. I just hate being put on the spot. And I don't like taking requests. What am I? Your trained monkey?

*What? "Pretty" young ladies will approach him? Don't homely young ladies get curious too?

Why Is That Man Walking Like That Mommy? Back Pain.

I've got some bad news. I hurt my back.

I've been cleaning out my attic for the last week so I've been lifting boxes while being bent over the whole time. So on Saturday I went to reach for something and OUUUUUCCH! Felt like someone stabbing me with a knife in the back .

About eight years I pulled my back out and haven't had an episode since. Other than the pain, I'm now walking really slowly. And slightly bent over. And I'll walk for a few steps then have to stop. Then you'll see a look of pain on my face. Embarrassing.

If I saw someone walking like this I'd probably think, "Oh my God. That dude is about to crap his pants and he's looking for a bathroom!"

 Very humiliating for someone like me.

Thank God I Didn't Go On "Dancin' On Air." Kelly Ripa. Philly.

Freshman year of college I was dating this chick Ellen and she had a bunch of annoying friends that she lived with in the all girl's dorm. (Who the hell lives in the all girl's dorm?)

Anyways, a bunch of them were going to go to Philly to be on the TV show "Dancin' on Air"*. And I ALMOST went. I forget why I didn't go but THANK GOD! If me dancing on a cheesy ass TV show from the 80's ended up on Youtube I would probably have to kill myself. With my tight jeans and big ass hair...Could you imagine??

But of course my life would have been different because I probably would have met and married Kelly Ripa (see picture above).

And speaking of things that I almost did (cringe category) but didn't  - here's another one... I was in 11th grade and my sister's boyfriend and her were going to a party. Or maybe it was at a bar. I forget. Anyways, I was a huge Doors fan (now I can't even listen to them) and he said, "I can talk to the band and see if you can sing a Doors song if you want"

I was like, "Yeah OK!"

So we go to the party and the plan was that I was going to sing Roadhouse Blues. Well turns out they "couldn't fit me in" or "there's no way in hell we want some kid we don't even know singing a song". But either way thank God because it would have been a disaster! I've never sung with a band, I'm a terrible singer and I'm sure 10 seconds into it people would have been looking at me like, "What the hell is this train wreck?" And I would have turned into a deer in headlights. I really think I would have stopped halfway through and  just walked off the stage.

Phew!! That was a close one!

Oh and here's Kelly Ripa now. I wonder what our kids would have looked like? But if we did end up together I'd have to tell her to tone it down a bit because she's way too chatty.

*They were going because "Michael" knew someone that could get everyone on. Michael was this flaming gay dude that wasn't out of the closet yet. And he was a complete a-hole. His only friends were a bunch of the girls from  the girl's dorm and he was a gossipy little shit. And all of the girls would say, "I can't believe Michael doesn't have a girlfriend. He's so great!" Uh...yeah I know why. He likes dudes.

Discovery I Found In Sixth Grade. Has To Do With Boobies.

When I was in sixth grade I was a my friend's house and I went to open a closet and I found this weird contraption.

"What the??"

I pulled it off of the shelf and looked at it then called my friend. "What IS this thing?"

He grabbed it and examined it. "I don't know I think....I don't know."

We looked at it kind of like how people who stumble across a flying saucer look. There's SOMETHING familiar about it but...

Well we realized what it was after we found the box. It was no other than the famous Foot Operated Breast Enlarger Pump. First sold in the 70's. I looked at him and in a shameful way he just said, "I guess it's my mom's."

Here it is:



According to this webite there are also creams that are to be used but we didn't find any of those. Creams. "Lower shades and lock doors then while arching your back apply cream to breasts and rub in a circular fashion. Prepare for sudden growth."

Moral of the story? Don't snoop around closets at your friend's parents house.

This Time That People Might Have Seen Me On The News And More! Dolls. Philly.

Yeah so I used to work at a major giftware company in Product Development. So years ago someone had the idea to get into the doll business. So they made me go to a small show off of City Line Avenue (near Philly) just to scope out any trends and look for potential vendors.

No big deal. Until I was there. I'm walking around - one of the only dudes there - and someone approaches me and...

Person: You work for ZYZ Company?

Me: Yes I do.

Person: Are you getting into the doll business?

Me: Well we're just investigating it at this point....

Person: I work for Doll World Magazine. Would you mind if we took your picture? (And there's a guy standing there with a huge camera)

Here's where I go into total panic mode. I was just an assistant at the time and I'm sure my company didn't want word that we might enter the doll world (can't even believe I'm typing this) AND there's no way in hell I wanted to have my picture in a doll magazine!

I pictured someone's Grandma seeing me in the magazine then, "Mary is this that nice boy Jimmy Zibbs? He's into dolls or something.." Then word spreads like wildfire.

So I told the lady, "Uh can you catch up with me maybe a bit later? I'm looking for someone."

So I'm kind of relieved but then I'm on the lookout for them. Avoiding them. And when I thought I was out of the water I see......... ACTION NEWS!

It must have been a slow news day and the local ABC station is filming the event. Didn't help that they're located right next to where the show was.

So then I'm really shitting my pants because I picture the reporter saying...

Reporter: ...and there's ALL kinds of people at this doll show. Old women, young women, little girls..and even....MEN???? Sir? Sir? Can we have a word with you??"

Then the cameras zoom in and you see me looking like a deer in headlights. Just as I'm about to faint a hand taps my shoulder, "Are you ready for the Doll World Magazine interview?"

That's when I got the hell out of Dodge!

This Sounds Like A Fake Story But It's Not! Ohh I Get No Respect. Rodney Dangerfield

Do you know those stories that someone tells you and you think, “That didn’t happen?” Like it’s always a friend of a friend? Well here’s one that sounds incredible but it DID happen because I confirmed it with the actual person. Here we go…..

This dude Norm was on a first date with a girl. He was kind of nervous. So they go to her house and there was some type of family event going on. So as he’s there he’s being introduced to various people. At one point the girl says, “Norm this is my sister Mary.”

Norm turns around and the girl approaches him. She’s shaking a bit and in an odd voice says, “Hi Norm I’m Mary.”

He starts cracking up and says, “OH MY GOD THAT’S GREAT!! PULL THE TIE!! PULL THE TIE!!

It turns out he thought she was doing an impression of Rodney Dangerfield but she actually had Cerebral Palsy.

I SHIT YOU NOT!

And another time Norm was running late for a funeral in high school and his Mom was like, “Hurry up Norm!” then looked at the front of his suit pants and says, “What’s all over your pants??”

Turns out Norm had dry humped some chick at a wedding the week before and…well..you know.

And DAT is DAT!

(and that picture is the Facts of Life chick that had Cerebral Palsy. What's her name again? Jerry something?...)

West Chester Man Reveals His Lunch Box. Yellow Submarine.

As promised two posts back I will now reveal my first grade lunch box. It was....The Beatles Yellow Submarine!

Well. Kind of.

For some reason - instead of my Mom letting me pick out a lunch box - she asked my Dad to pick one up. I have no idea what she was thinking. I remember him saying, "Jimmy I bought you a lunch box for the first day of school."

And I ran over. All excited. Until I saw it. It was a lunch box for the TV Show "The F.B.I.". Huh??? I don't even remember this show NOW. And I'm a TV head. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it was on the air from 1965 - 1974. Anyway, for me it was a boring ass lunch box. The graphics on the lunch box were basically a bunch of guys wearing suits. Hey Dad, wasn't "The CBS News with Walter Cronkite available?"

But what was worse is that I opened it up and the thermos was a Yellow Submarine thermos. IT DIDN'T EVEN MATCH THE LUNCH BOX! I remember saying, "I can't use this! It doesn't match!"

Then I remember:

Mom: (to Dad) Jim why didn't you check to see if the thermos matched?

Dad: Sally it was the last one there!

If you know my Dad, it was probably sitting on a shelf near canned goods because someone noticed that the lunch box didn't match the thermos and they just left it there. Then my Dad walked in the store, saw it next to a stack of canned beans and thought, "Well, good thing I got the last one." And picked it up and walked to check out.

So I was stuck with it. For the next two years I would pull all of my lunch out and close the lunch box. Then when nobody was looking I would open it really quickly and pour my drink into the plastic thermos cup and shove the thermos back in. Phew! Nobody saw me.

I think in third grade I moved on to carrying my lunch in a paper bag. Or a "lunch sack" as my hillbilly readers probably call it.

And I really wish I still had the Yellow Submarine thermos. I looked on Ebay a few years ago and they were selling for $250. Doh!

The Time I Put My Foot In My Mouth. Boy Scouts.

Oh my God. How did I forget to post this story about when I totally put my foot in my mouth?... Then shamelessly tried to back pedal my way out of it. Like lamest backpedal ever.

This was a few years ago and I was coming back from a night out with my friend “The Child” and The Child’s college buddy. I met the college buddy maybe 3 times over the years but didn’t really know him well at all. (And to set the picture the buddy was kind of a serious guy.)

We’re driving in the car and a radio commercial for the Boy Scouts comes on. Then this happens:

Me: (in loud, blow hard, sarcastic voice) The Boy Scouts? Phhhhttttt! What about those dudes that are Boy Scouts into high school? Like an Eagle Scout? "Look, I earned my 'Doesn’t want to get laid badge.' Look at meeeee..” You’ve got to be kidding me.

College Friend: (from the back seat) Actually both of my son’s are in high school and really involved in Scouting. I’ve even been a troop leader. We’ve gone on some great camping trips and it’s been a really great experience.

**** SOUND OF SCREECHING BRAKES IN MY HEAD…TOTALLY EMBARRASSED, THE WORST BACKPEDALING BEGINS*****

Me: Really? (acting is if his three sentence statement somehow changed my entire perspective on what I think about being a Boy Scout in high school. Like it was the closing statement in the Scopes Monkey Trial and I finally saw the light) …I didn’t know THAT. Hmmm..I guess scouting can be kind of cool.

Silence from the backseat. Then The Child changes the subject. I look in mirror and see this:

Super Embarrassing Story. Disney and Ukrainian Lady.

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The Time I Was Trying To Be Smooth But Something Went Terribly Wrong. Sunglasses.

I was just telling a coworker a story that happened years ago but I had forgotten.

Our regular receptionist at work was out for a few weeks so they brought a temp in to take her place. She was an older lady. But after about a week I came in back from lunch and as I’m pulling the door open I see a really hot girl sitting at the receptionist desk. Ooh. Who is this fine specimen?

So of course I slowly take off my sunglasses and saunter by the desk. A little extra shake of the ass. I deepen my voice a bit and say, “ How you doing? You’re new here?” (Shut up. That’s all I could think of on short notice. Plus it was hot out.)

“Yeah. Well I’m just filling in. I’m not sure how many days I’ll be here.”

“OK. Well welcome to (the name of my company inserted here). I’m Dr Zibbs.”

“Well nice to meet you Dr Zibbs. I’m Cindy.”

“OK Cindy, well I’ll see you later.”

I then walk down the hall toward my desk. Thinking I’m all smooth. And as I’m walking there’s something in my peripheral vision on my right side. What is that? I reach up and there’s a black rubber oval on the side of my face – below my eye. What the F???

When I took my sunglasses off the rubber piece of my sunglasses that goes against your nose came off of the sunglasses and was stuck on my face. AND IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

I pictured this happening later, “Cindy did you see Dr Zibbs walk by here?”

“Dr Zibbs? Who is…Oh Dr Zibbs. The guy with the huge mole on the side of his nose? No I haven't seen him.”

The Time I Practiced Asking A Girl Out. Busted!

Believe it or not, in my early years unless I was around my friends I was pretty shy. So the idea of asking a girl out was pretty terrifying until I was in about tenth grade or so. I’m not sure what happened but I slowly became un-shy.

Well in about ninth grade and I was going to ask a girl to a dance. Instead confidently approaching her in the hall at school I decided to do the cowardly thing and call her on the phone. This way, if I fainted halfway through she’d just think something was wrong with the phone. Which was possible and probably would hold up in court.

Instead of just picking up the phone and calling her, I decided the best thing to do was practice. So I went down to our basement sat at my Dad’s desk (he had an office down there), put my finger on the button thing… what’s that called? You know…the hanger up button….so you don’t get the dial tone? You know what I mean. I put my finger on that thing and started rehearsing:

“Hello Patty? This is Dr Zibbs here. And the reason I was calling was…”

No

(deeper voice) “Patty. What’s going on? It’s Dr Zibbs and the reason for my call is…”

No. I swear I tried it ten different ways. And I tried different poses too. Nothing felt right.

“Hello Patty, It’s Dr Zibbs. And I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the dance with me.”

What the hell was that? “Just wondering?” Like I was looking out the window at clouds and the thought popped into my head, “You know..I’m just curious as to whether or not Patty would like to go to the dance with me? Hmmm. I wonder. Maybe I’ll just give her a call and ask her. It’s the only way to find out. You know, to really get to the bottom of this random thought that just now popped into my head.”

“Hello Patty. It’s Dr Zibbs. From school. And I was just wondering if…”

Just then I hear, “WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?” And I look up and my oldest sister is standing there with her mouth opened in amazement. The expression on her face was the look you’d have if you opened a suitcase and it was loaded with cash.

I remember jumping out of my seat from being startled and was like, "What?..I thought that…” And just stood there frozen for a second. Then, “GET OUT OF HERE!”

For the next week all I heard from my sister was, “Yes I was just wondering if…I was just wondering if…”

How embarrassing. And in case you want to know. Patty said no. She claimed she had to work at the Tasty Freeze*. Yeah right.

*For the locals, the Tasty Freeze used to be located where the Wawa is on Route 100 and Greenhill Road.

Getting Busted Having Sex. Ostriches. Crazy Ass Husband.

I wonder if some dude was ever having sex with a woman. And the husband came home.

And he's totally nude. Like TOTALLY. And he doesn't want the husband to see his junk so he covers it with his two hands. But the husbands comes at him to attack him and the guy has to fend him off so he just starts kicking him. (Remember, his hands are covering his junk).

And he's not karate style kicking him because the guy has no karate training. Sure, he's seen some Jackie Chan movies but it's not going to help in this situation. So he just kicks him the way an ostrich would kick. Like jumping up in the air and doing single kicks. A very goofy showing.

"Waaaa! Waaaa!" Screaming - almost birdlike as he kicks.

The husband isn't a great fighter so he's really just slap fighting the guy. Kinda sad if you think about it.

Then the guy - with one of his goofy ostrich-like kicks - steps into the bedroom trashcan. Yeah. I know. He runs down the hall squawking in his birdish screams and limping with the trashcan caught on his foot.

The husbands pursues him with a golf club.

...AND....CUT!

West Whiteland Neighbors Terrorized By Idiot. Snoop.

If you read my tweets last night you know of the very sad event that happened. And by sad, I mean that I made an ass out of myself.

One of the things that cracks me up the most is when someone is trying to be funny, then something goes wrong. Really wrong. The only time I don't find it funny is when it happens to me.

So here's what happened. I've been taking daily walks in an attempt to lose some weight. I've lost 10 pounds in 4 weeks thank you. So I'm walking around my neighborhood, my ipod is blasting Snoop and a car approaches me from behind.

I keep my same pace and the car is kind of driving right next to me. The window goes down on the car. I stop. The car stops.

It's my friend Calhoun and his wife. So in Snoop rapper style - and gang signal hands I hell, "YOU GOTTA PROBLEM MUTHA FUCKAAA?" as I strut over to car and practically put my head in the window.

*This is where things turn tragic*

It turns out it wasn't my friend Calhoun and his wife. They were total strangers. His face was all, "What's are you doing???"

As soon as I realize it, I pull off my headphones and say, "Oh my God. I'm sorry. I thought you were friends of mine"

"Uh.....that's OK.."

Now I'm going to have to face these people everytime I walk around the block. I think they might even be new to the neighborhood. And it sucks because I don't want to be all embarrassed everytime I pass their house.

Maybe I'll force them to move by making them believe a ghost is living in their house. It might take some elaborate planning but there's really no other option. Is there?

You Mean You....An Old Lady Would Like MY Hair? Thanks!

I was talking to my friend @JennRuss on Twitter and I was asking her about her super curly hair and whether people insist on touching it. Of course she said they do. And sometimes they don't even ask. Strangers do this. I'm not surprised.

It's pretty rude if you think about it. I mean, I have like this really great ass* but people don't say, "Excuse me, but MAY I?" (then go in for a squeeze. Kneading it's glory with their fingers - pushing their palms into it - really...really geeettin' in there as if they were making bread. And the moaning? Please. Control yourselves)

OK. Back to the hair story. When I was between the ages of 5 and 14 my hair was really curly. And I'm not kidding when I say that at least 75 times in that period I would be out somewhere and something like this would happen:

Old Lady: (slowly approaches me with her other old lady friend) Oh my God!

Me: (starts to get embarrassed) Me?

Old Lady: Yes you. Your hair is so beautiful. Isn't it just precious Mildred?

Me: (tries not to act horrified)

Old Lady: (asks my mom) Is it real?

My Mom: Yes. Jimmy's hair is totally natural.

God was that shit embarrassing. And many of the old ladies would then say what was always the worst thing, "I wish I had YOUR hair!"

I just hated that. None of them ever asked to take my picture but I wouldn't have been surprised. Then they would have brought the picture into the beauty parlour and said, "I want my hair to look like THIS" - all crabby and whatnot while holding out the polaroid.

That's when I'm a proponent of the old hair dresser statement: "I'm a hair dresser lady not a magician". (Big ole fuckin' fight breaks out and Raul kicks the old lady out and bans her for life)

You tell em' Raul!

*So I've been told...through the random act of people squeezing it.

Doesn't Everyone Get Busted By Someone When They're Secretly Miming? Fool.

I got totally busted by my wife yesterday.

You know this post that I put up the other week with David Armand doing mime to the song Torn?

Well I was cooking and the song came on. So of course I started to act out the video. Then the next song on the radio was Billy Joel's "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me". So I started acting it out in the same mime style. Trying to see if I could mime the lyrics.

Well, I thought my wife was in the other room when all of a sudden she appears. I of course stop mid-mime and have a look of horror on my face. It's something I would have done in front of her but just to get busted like that...

My wife started laughing her ass off and can barely get out the words, "What...hahaha...What...hahaha...hahaha...are...hahahaa...you doing"???

Busted! I never get embarrassed in front of my wife but it was a combo of embarrassment and shock that she was standing there.

What a fool.

A Post About My Hair. Disco. Hair Pick and Freddy Washington.

Here are some various things about my hair that I will now ramble off:

- It has slowly evolved over time. It used to be wavy, then it got really curly.

- It used to be red, then it got auburn, then brownish and now - I would call it auburnish with SOME gray.

- Others tell me that I'm totally gray. They must be blind because it's fucking GRAYISH a-holes!

- From age 5 - 13 I had at least thirty old ladies - complete stranger old ladies - come up to me and say, "Oh my God. You've got the most beautiful hair! I wish I had your hair"
(Well you don't you old bat so keep walking. Do you think a BOY wants to hear that?)

- In 6th grade my mom started sending me to a "Hair Design for Men" place. The first time I was there, the dude asked, "So, are you into disco? Do you want a disco hair cut?" I said no but he proceeded to give me a disco haircut. Like a big crybaby, I told my mom I wasn't going to school the next day. She made me go. People laughed.

- In 9th grade, EVERYTIME I got my haircut, I asked the guy NOT TO TAKE ANY OFF THE BACK. I asked him this for two years. For some reason, my hair never got longer than a few inches in the back. I swear my mom was calling him and telling him it should be cut. She denies ever doing this.

- When I was in 9th grade, my mom bought a pick - like an afro pick - and tried to get me to "fluff up the top". She would sneak up behind me and try to fluff it up but I refused. This went on for months. "Who do I look like, God damn Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington? Jesus!
"
- Once, while completely wasted with a couple girls in college, the one girl said she just started to cut hair. I let her do it. Bad descision. When I got back to the dorms and was walking down the hall, one of my frieds saw me and started banging on all the doors, "OH MY GOD, YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS!" Everyone came out. And laughed. I didn't care though. I was just pissed that this chick gave me such a terrible cut. I should have been tipped off when she scalded me with the water when she was wetting my hair.

- For about a year in the 80's I had a "tail".

- I'm showing zero signs of baldness.

- I have some hair on my chest but none on my butt.

And that concludes the hair post.

Disney Characters And Real Life Foot In Mouth Story.

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YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS. Corey Feldman Singing and Dancing.

I remember seeing Corey Feldman doing his Michael Jackson style dancing years ago and it was very, very hard to watch.

I just watched this and actually turned a bit red because it's so embarrassing. You've go to watch this whole thing.

And look at the lady at 36 seconds in. Is she thinking, "Oh my God, what a Michael Jackson rip off." or "Oh my God, I can't believe how great he is."

Also, note the move at 1:44. What the fuck is this???? I'm cracking up just analyzing this crap. Jesus Christ!



And if you can't watch this at work, check it out when you get home.

Phoebe Cates And Story About This Dude That Got Caught Masturbating.

Did you now Phoebe Cates is 46 today? Where did the time go? Whenever I think of her I think of Fastimes at Ridgemont High when she was getting out of the pool. And Judge Reinhold was peaking out the window knocking out a batch by hand.

And whenever I think of that, it reminds me of a story that a friend of mine tells of when he was in college. I wasn't even there when this incident happened but I used to make him tell the story once in a while because it just cracks me up.

"So my roommate Rich used to live across the hall with that dude Mike. And Mike went to class one day..halfway there, he realizes he forgets his book. So he turns around and goes back to the room. He opens the door and Rich is standing there holding a playboy and whacking off. Rich is so completely startled and that he throws the magazine up in the air and screams,..."WHAT???"

Just the image of that cracks me the hell up.

So did you ever get busted or bust someone?

(If you want to see the trailer from Fastimes, click here - but keep your hands where I can see them you pervs)

West Chester Blogger Yells Out Window on Market Street. Henderson High School.

How embarrassing. As a back story, there was this goofy dude and my dad asked him what high school he went to. In a really loud, slow, goofy ass way of talking - he said proudly, "HENDERSON HIGH SCHOOL". You have to understand that it was super goofy.

Part 2: So my friend Sean loves this accent so when I answer the phone when it's him I just yell, "HENDERSON HIGH SCHOOL" in that same goofy ass way.

Part 3: So I'm driving down Market Street in West Chester the other day and I see my friend Sean. My window's down so I lean my head out, point to him and yell, "HENDER......."

Oh shit! It's not Sean. I stopped in mid sentence, and turned the other way so the dude couldn't identify me.

How embarrassing. I was going to kill him but decided to let him live.

It's very similar what happened to me when I was about eight. I was in church and after mass, I saw my sister. I snuck up behind her, leaned into her ear and garbled nonsense. Something like, "ruprthgrogorakldslkrfal" - just complete nonsense in a stupid, fast motion way of talking.

Then, she turned around - almost in slow motion....and it wasn't her. It was some other chick. I was so horrified I almost fainted. The chick had the expression of, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KID??"

(Looking to our powerful Lord above as he falls to his knees) WHY do I do this Jesus? WHY have you picked me for these situations. Please give me guidance!