Lions Share Restaurant 9th Grade Grinding Story. Drunk Hostess. Cans Pressed Into My Back.

I ran into this woman the other week and it hit me. I totally forgot about about this story.  I WAS SEXUALLY HARASSED!

Not that I was complaining about it but....

It was in 9th grade and I was a busboy at the Lions Share Restaurant. There was this hostess that was probably around 23 years old I would guess. Kind of cute but on the chubby side. Big boobs. And she was always friendly but she would occasionally sneak drinks from the bar and get bombed throughout the night.

And when she did she was alllllll hands. I remember walking back from the kitchen and it was starting to wind down so I stopped in the hostess area. I leaned over and was looking at the reservation book (young butt glistening - the woft of beef wellington, clams casino and French onion soup clinging to his tight Levis) when all of a sudden I feel these hands around my waist and it was her. Audry. And she grinds up against me and all drunk and what not says, "What are YOU doing out here?"

I stand up and I'm all "What the??" Then she pulls me in and smooshes her huge 23 year old 1979 cans into my back and leans to the side of my face and says, "So what are YOU doin'?"

Then I got all nervous, probably gulped and squeaked out, "Ummm cleaning tables?" I stood there for a minute thinking, "I can feel her boobs!" Then I kind of slipped away. She did it a few times after that then it never happened again. I forget.

Man talk about a missed opportunity. But It would be a few years until I developed my game. I didn't know what to do. And for the record she was super nutty. I think she was mental or on drugs because once on a busy Saturday night I walked out and was holding a chair and repeatedly walking into the wall with it and bouncing back as she looked at the wall in a zombie like state. I had to run to the kitchen and get the cook to come and get her.

And before you all start getting worked up with the visual of what happened it wasn't that hot. Because in 9th grade I didn't look like this:

I looked a bit more like this:

Without the glasses. Or the part in the hair. Hmmmmm....maybe I WAS hot!

To read the story I wrote about when some dude crapped his pants at the Lion Share click here.

Marchwood Goodwill Was A Place That Showed Movies Of Bare Naked Gulls!

A few miles away from me is the Marchwood Goodwill. Back in the day though it used to be a porn theater. I remember going there a few times with friends while drinking beers and we'd wait for people to come out then yell things, "Hey! Look who's coming out of the porn theater! Come over here. It's the Daily Local News. We want to interview you!"

And people would cover their faces and rush to their cars. One time we even saw a teacher! Of course we yelled his name.

Well one time in junior year a few of us decided to go in. I forget if we used fake ID's or what. We smuggled some beers and watched. For about 20 minutes. There's something creepy about watching porn with a bunch of dudes and strangers so we left. I mean really. Watching porn is an interactive sport so who knows what some of those people were doing.

Back at school we were laughing about it at the lunch table and here's what happened:

Chris: Wait. So what exactly do they show?

Me: Everything. Two people f%#king.

Chris: Bull. There's no way they actually show it.

Me: Yeah they do. And close up. A d&$k going into a wet p#&*y.

Chris: Oh come on they can't show that! You're full of it. It's probably them under blankets.

Me: Under blankets? What?? I saw it on the screen! You  mean I think I saw something else? Then lets go this weekend!

So a bunch of us go. And he still thought we were making it up. That maybe they just showed some boobs or something. Now remember this was before the information super highway so unless you saw a stag film on 8 mm at a party or you were getting some snitchy-snatch your own bad self you may have never seen anything like this.

We walk in and there is a full close up on the screen of two people "bumping uglies*" and here is what happened:

Chris: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

Me: Shhhhhh!!!!

Chris: HOLY CRAP THEY"RE ACTUALLY DOING IT!!

Me: Shhh! Shut up!

Chris: OH MY GOD! (covers eyes then looks up again) OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!! THEY'RE SHOWING EVERYTHING!

It was pretty classic.

*And what was with all the hair? Jesus Christ! Whoever started the movement of people shaving and trimming deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. Seriously. What year did this become the norm for most people? In the early 90's?

Beer Choices In The 80's. Slim Pickins. Mickey's Malt Liquor.

Remember that beer you see above? Mickey's with the wide mouth? Malt Liquor really but still.

That was one of the few beer choices back in the early eighties. To tell you the truth Mickey's was just a novelty because of the wide mouth but here are the others that were the basic six pack beers. Let me know if I'm missing any....

Miller (the champagne of beers) - We'd sometimes get the pony size.

Bud - Never a fan of.

Michelob - this was a bit pricier but was pretty smooth. Remember pulling the loop off of the label? And if it didn't cut the words off it was good luck or some shit? Jerome Desmond in 10th grade claimed, "Man, NOBODY gets sick on Michelob. It's the way it's brewed!" Then proceded to puke after having four.

Lowenbrau - One of the few fancy ass imports.

Genesee 12 horse - Gross.

Genesee Cream Ale - King of the diarrhea inducing beers.

Molson - Imported from Candada. Known to get easily skunked.

Moosehead - The moose is friggin' loose! This was my favorite in 12th grade.

Heineken - Pricey back in the day. Always had a weird aftertaste but I'll still get one once and a while for the memories.

I'm sure there are a few others but that was about it folks. (Here in Southeastern PA)

True Story Of My High School Typing Teacher. Great Lovers.

See that woman above? It's Mrs Ritchie. My high school typing teacher. Yes....we had typing class in high school. It was right after my Intro to Telegraph and right before Butter Churning.

And the dude below is Remo*. Let me just set the stage. Mrs Ritchie was tough as balls and said what was on her mind. Remo was a dude from Italy that appeared in our school in 10th grade and thought he was hot shit. He thought he was God's gift to women. I swear that in the yearbook he wrote:

Good Looking, "Stud", Hopes to become a great gigalo, Soccer 10.

I'm not shitting you.

So he comes into typing class one day and has a huge hickey on his neck.....

Mrs Ritchie: (Approaches Remo) Remo what the hell is on your neck?

Remo: (In thick Italian accent) It's a hickey. I am a great lover!

Mrs Ritchie: Great lover? You're not a great lover.

Remo: (Can't believe she just said that) No! I AM a great lover.

Mrs Ritchie: (Casually) Nope. Great lovers don't leave hickeys. You're no great lover.

Remo: YOU ARE WRONG! I AM A GREAT LOVER!!

Mrs Ritchie: Naaa. You just THINK you're a great lover.

Remo: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I AM THE BEST!

Mrs Ritchie: Nope. I'm afraid you're wrong on that one. OK everyone turn their workbooks to page 23.

I thought he was going to punch her in the face or say, "I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU HERE AND NOW!! YOU'VE DISRESPECTED ME IN FRONT OF THIS CLASSROOM OF MY PEERS!"

Could you imagine that conversation going on today. There'd be a friggin' lawsuit.

*And for the record "Charles F Linder" is the person in the picture ABOVE Remo.

This Sounds Like A Fake Story But It's Not! Ohh I Get No Respect. Rodney Dangerfield

Do you know those stories that someone tells you and you think, “That didn’t happen?” Like it’s always a friend of a friend? Well here’s one that sounds incredible but it DID happen because I confirmed it with the actual person. Here we go…..

This dude Norm was on a first date with a girl. He was kind of nervous. So they go to her house and there was some type of family event going on. So as he’s there he’s being introduced to various people. At one point the girl says, “Norm this is my sister Mary.”

Norm turns around and the girl approaches him. She’s shaking a bit and in an odd voice says, “Hi Norm I’m Mary.”

He starts cracking up and says, “OH MY GOD THAT’S GREAT!! PULL THE TIE!! PULL THE TIE!!

It turns out he thought she was doing an impression of Rodney Dangerfield but she actually had Cerebral Palsy.

I SHIT YOU NOT!

And another time Norm was running late for a funeral in high school and his Mom was like, “Hurry up Norm!” then looked at the front of his suit pants and says, “What’s all over your pants??”

Turns out Norm had dry humped some chick at a wedding the week before and…well..you know.

And DAT is DAT!

(and that picture is the Facts of Life chick that had Cerebral Palsy. What's her name again? Jerry something?...)

The Getup I Wore At Senior Week. Ocean City. Surgical Shirt.

Jesus Christ I can’t believe what I used to wear back in the day. Here was the getup I wore at senior week. I have a picture to prove it but I won’t be posting it.

I’ll start from the bottom and work my way up.

Converse hightops (untied)
Tight ass Levi’s jeans
Belt (thank GOD I didn't have a rock group belt buckle)
Surgical shirt (authentic)*
Blue bandana tied around neck. Ala’ Howdy Doody.
Lightening bolt ear ring.

And I actually hooked up with two chicks wearing that outfit. What were they thinking???*

*look at me saying "authentic" with unbridled pride.
**I ran into the one chick a few years ago. She's looks 10 years older than her age. Found the other on Facebook. She still looks pretty hot.

A Post About All The Girls From My Past. Chicks.

The other day I was thinking of something odd. What if you could gather every person you’ve ever hooked up with in one place? From people you’ve made out with to people you’ve…well…you know*.

I’m picturing for me I’ll need a large place**. You can use a VFW but for me I’m thinking a really nice place. Cause I’m classy like that. Hey, if you want to skimp and have a roast beef station and two drink tickets for each guest that’s fine. Go for it. For me though? Ima keep it classy. I’ll be wearing a tux too. Actually maybe just a really nice suit. Yeah, a suit should do it.

And here’s the thing: All the women would be the exact same age as when I hooked up with them. And wearing the clothes that they wore the first time I was with them. “Hey, there’s one with a Duran Duran shirt!”…”Ooohh. Loving the shoulder pads!”

And they would all have name tags that list their names as well as the place we met because to tell you the truth I don’t want to embarrass myself by saying, “Uh so how do I know you?” So for instance a name tag might say, “Maryanne – Phillies ball girl” or “Jane – Pub at Georgetown University” or “Amy – Ocean City Boardwalk.” You get the idea.

And it might be kind of weird because some of the “women” would be underage. But still. I would mingle around. Chit chatting. Aweing them with stories of the modern age, “Yes in 2011 we have computers. In our homes. And this thing? It’s a phone AND a computer!”

Then here’s the weird thing. Once the cocktail hour was over, (and I made a “thanks for coming” speech – peppered with amusing tales) a new group of women would come in the room. And these women would be the same women that I hooked up with but how they look NOW. And they would come in and stand next to their younger self. Oh yeah this is gonna be great.

I wonder which ones still look good and which ones would have let themselves go?*** Hmmmm…I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

OK. Now somebody make this happen.

I will now open this up to a question and answer session in the comments area.

*Vodeo-do-do
**To make sure that everyone is there I would give the party planner the piece of paper I have hidden in my attic that lists all the women I ever hooked up with. I wrote it out years ago. I wrote it when I was drinking one night in case I ever get senile and I forget. Come to think of it, I forget where I stashed it up there.
*** I know one that let herself go. This chick we’ll call “CZ” that I was with for a few weeks in college. I swear if you saw her then you would shit. Sexy blond with a super hot, curvy 18 year old bod. Literally a 36-24-36. I know this because I asked her. Well about two years ago I searched her name and I found her. Sadly, she is now a whale. Easily over 220 pounds. Easy on the buffet CZ. Easy on the buffet.

The Time My Friend Jim Wore A Cowboy Hat To School.

I have to give credit to anyone that goes out on a limb and makes a fashion statement out of their comfort zone.

Naaa. I’m lying. I’ve never put any thought into that really. Who do you think I am? Mr Blackwell?

But I wrote it because I was thinking about what my neighbor Jim did in 10th grade. I knew Jim since 7th grade. We both wore the same type of clothes. Jeans, flannel shirt, occasional concert t-shirt…. (I did start to dress a bit preppy in 11th grade but doesn’t matter for the story).

It was the height of Southern Rock being popular. The Outlaws, Molly Hatchet and 38 Special were in rotation on the radio.

So one day I see Jim walk to the bus stop and I’m thinking, “What the hell??”

He was wearing a big ass cowboy hat!! He walks up and I’m just looking at him. The funny thing is that he’s pretending like nothing is out of the ordinary.

“What the hell? Is this a joke?”

All casual-like he says, “Oh the hat? Naaa. Just got it this weekend. You know it’s pretty cool. It’s all Southern Rock and shit.” (and he wasn’t even convincing HIMSELF. He knew he wasn’t just going to just blend in. There was only one other kid that wore a cowboy hat and he was a friggin’ hick)

“Dude. You can’t wear that to school. You look ridiculous.”

“Hey whatever.”

Of course I was right. He went to school and by the second period so many people made fun of he threw it in his locker. It was never seen again. Come to think of it, I don’t even think he brought it home. I bet he just threw it in the trash.

And oh yeah. It had a feather in it. (See picture above)

The moral? Don't try and be different.

And on a related note these two preppy ass idiots in 11th grade did a similar thing. They both wore clogs on the same day to school. It was the gayest thing you ever saw and they were laughed out of the cafeteria. I don’t know which is gayer – wearing clogs or planning to have your friend wear them on the same day so you can unveil them together.

Gay blades.

Do You Want To Know What I Look LIke? Lookalikes.

I love finding lookalikes for people I know. The best is when I find a lookalike and there IS a resemblance but it’s a total insult.

My friend Flare and I have always cracked up when we’d see lookalikes of each other. We’d be at Exton Mall back in the day and if he saw a lookalike of me he would go up to the person, look really confused and look back and forth at me and the lookalike and say, “Wait….Zibbs, is this you…or is…what the…wait a minute...” The person would have no idea and would just look all nervous and walk faster to get away.

Then when I’d point out a lookalike of Flare, he would actually go up to the person, and put his hands up mime style or begin to comb his hair. Then he would say, “Oh my God I’m sorry, I thought this was a mirror.”

I even have a scrapbook I started years ago called, “The lookalike file.” When I see a lookalike of someone I know I clip it and put it in the old lookalike file. The best is when the reaction to a lookalike is cracking up then the person says, “Oh my God you’re mean.” Whatcha gonna do?

Well on the subject of lookalikes, here are some people I’ve been told I look like:

Errol Flynn – My aunts used to tell me that all the time. I’ll take that though. Good looking chap.


Eminen – This one is complete bull. Someone from Twitter said I look like him. I think it’s because of how my hair looked one day.


The adult Chistopher Night aka Peter Brady – Some chick told me this recently. She did say, “But I mean that in a good way. He’s a good looking man.” So I got that.


Dan Marino – Some photographer at a photo shoot told me this once. He was like, “You look just like him.” First and last time I heard that. I guess I do kind of see it on this one.


Weird Al – This was because of my cheesy mustache in college. Total insult.


Napoleon Dynamite – My oldest sister said “that’s you in 8th grade.” Hmm. Well I do think I had a suit like that. Except I never danced with a girl in 8th grade at a dance. I was too busy holding the wall up.


And someone recently said a combo of The Hoff and Anthony Bourdain. Kind of insulted by the Anthony Bourdain since he's way older but whatever.

So who have you been told you look like? Come on…don’t be

The Time I Practiced Asking A Girl Out. Busted!

Believe it or not, in my early years unless I was around my friends I was pretty shy. So the idea of asking a girl out was pretty terrifying until I was in about tenth grade or so. I’m not sure what happened but I slowly became un-shy.

Well in about ninth grade and I was going to ask a girl to a dance. Instead confidently approaching her in the hall at school I decided to do the cowardly thing and call her on the phone. This way, if I fainted halfway through she’d just think something was wrong with the phone. Which was possible and probably would hold up in court.

Instead of just picking up the phone and calling her, I decided the best thing to do was practice. So I went down to our basement sat at my Dad’s desk (he had an office down there), put my finger on the button thing… what’s that called? You know…the hanger up button….so you don’t get the dial tone? You know what I mean. I put my finger on that thing and started rehearsing:

“Hello Patty? This is Dr Zibbs here. And the reason I was calling was…”

No

(deeper voice) “Patty. What’s going on? It’s Dr Zibbs and the reason for my call is…”

No. I swear I tried it ten different ways. And I tried different poses too. Nothing felt right.

“Hello Patty, It’s Dr Zibbs. And I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the dance with me.”

What the hell was that? “Just wondering?” Like I was looking out the window at clouds and the thought popped into my head, “You know..I’m just curious as to whether or not Patty would like to go to the dance with me? Hmmm. I wonder. Maybe I’ll just give her a call and ask her. It’s the only way to find out. You know, to really get to the bottom of this random thought that just now popped into my head.”

“Hello Patty. It’s Dr Zibbs. From school. And I was just wondering if…”

Just then I hear, “WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?” And I look up and my oldest sister is standing there with her mouth opened in amazement. The expression on her face was the look you’d have if you opened a suitcase and it was loaded with cash.

I remember jumping out of my seat from being startled and was like, "What?..I thought that…” And just stood there frozen for a second. Then, “GET OUT OF HERE!”

For the next week all I heard from my sister was, “Yes I was just wondering if…I was just wondering if…”

How embarrassing. And in case you want to know. Patty said no. She claimed she had to work at the Tasty Freeze*. Yeah right.

*For the locals, the Tasty Freeze used to be located where the Wawa is on Route 100 and Greenhill Road.

Various Nicknames I've Given. Llammas

I’m a giver of nicknames. And nicknames that have stuck. Even if the person doesn’t know they’ve got a nickname. Here are a few nicknames and their meaning:

Flare – for my friend that would get pissed off all the time and his nostrils would Flare.

Glamour Boy – For my friend. At senior week he was trying to impress a girl so he got up earlier to go jogging with her. He was wearing a red shirt and red shorts and he had chapstick on his lips that made them look shiny. I’m like, “Look at you. You’re like a Glamour Boy.”

Compressor Head – this chick in college that looked like her face was smooshed in a vice-like compressor machine.

Steam Box – This dude in college that was so skinny and scrawny that he looked like a guy in the cartoons that used to be really fat but then goes into one of those steam boxes that they had at gyms in the 30’s. He stays in too long and becomes super skinny.

Llamma – a friend of mine that I thought looked like a llama because he had a long neck. And whenever I would say llama I would follow it by saying, “The priiiiiide of Peru.”

Grandpa – My friend Steve (comments on this blog under CrotchPains) because I think he used to dress like a Grandpa.

I swear there are a hundred more. If I were near my yearbooks I could rattle some more off but I’m not.

But on another nickname related note there was a kid in Junior High that gave himself the nickname ‘Wizard”. Pretty lame when you do that. We knew that because he had a jean jacket and drawn in pen on the back was the picture of a wizard hat and it said, “Wizard.” Or maybe it was the whole body of a wizard. I forget.

He thought he was badass but he wasn’t.

My friend Flare taunted him all the way through high school when his wizard stage was supposed to be long gone. He’d see him in the hall and say, “Hey everyone. It’s Wizard! Are you gonna cast any spells wizard.”

Wizard would just look at Flare and flip him the bird.

Moral: Never nickname yourself Wizard.

The Time I Faked Going To The Math Teacher Before School. Stupid.

I always hated math and was always terrible at math.

To be honest, I can't even add numbers in my head. Like if you asked, "What's 49 plus 137?" it would take be a while to figure it out without using pencil and paper or my fingers.

Does this mean I'm dumb? Probably...nobody really knows.

My son is taking calculus and I was telling him that if I was given a year to learn it and pass the class with at least a B and was to be rewarded $10,000 I really don't think I could do it.

I have math on my mind because the other day I was thinking about the time I was getting a D in math so my parents told me I had to go in early to school for a few weeks and get extra help from the math teacher.

So for weeks, my Dad drove me into school. I think it was 9th grade. The only problem is that I hated the teacher so much that I never - not once - went to him for help.

Well one day on the ride in my Dad says, "I'm going to come in today and talk to the math teacher and see how you're making out."

I was all, "No. You don't want to do that. He's always in a hurry and everything..."

"Well he'll have to make time. I want to talk to him."

So I sat there knowing that I had to tell my Dad I hadn't been going in after weeks of him changing his schedule to drive me there. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. So I kept saying, "Umm. I gotta...umm...the thing is...."

When we finally got to the school and parked I told him. And he exploded on me! "Are you kidding?? I've been driving you to school all this time and you never went in?" It's probably in the top five of the most pissed I ever saw him get.

To tell you the truth I forget if I was grounded or not or if they made me really go in and meet him in the mornings after that. I think I blocked it out.

Travel Tip That I Really Didn't Want Burned Into My Memory. Italy.

Oh yeah. I just remembered this. Remember when I was telling you that my son took a trip to Italy with his Italian class a few weeks ago? Well I just remembered the meeting we had with the school and the parents before the trip and this crazy travel tip that one of the moms shared:

Teacher: (pointing to one of the moms) Yes? You had a question?

Skeevy Mom: Yes. You were talking about having the kids travel light?...What I used to do when I traveled was get all my old, dirty underwear that I really should have thrown out and I'd pack them for my trip. Then as I wore the old underwear I would just throw them out as I used them so at the end of the trip I had less things to bring home and a bit more room in my suitcase for gifts.

Uh...OK lady.

Jellineck Speech About Pot. Strangers With Candy. Weed.

I love this clip of Jellineck talking about the dangers of smoking weed. Anyone else love Strangers With Candy? I know a bunch of you do but I have to ask again anyway.

Confession Of Something I Did In High School. Insulation.

I've got a quick confession. In 11th grade* the "joke" in gym class was to hide shoes so when the bell when off you'd be late for class.

So when somebody did it to me I got pissed.

So the next gym day, I broke into the locker of the dude that did it and rubber fiber glass insulation that I got from my attic in the crotch region of his pants. So we're standing in line for the bell to ring and I see him itching his pants. Then itching a bit more. Face getting all nervous. Then he ran over to his locker.

The bell rings.

I see him later in the hall and he was wearing gym shorts.

Lesson: Don't fuck with me because I will get **revengey on your ass.

*Sorry if I posted this before. I was too lazy to look it up.
** I hereby claim the word "revengey".

Dream I Had About Going Back In Time. Gettin' It On. Avatar.

I had a bunch of weird dreams last night. In one, I was on a reality TV show where you get hooked up to an Avatar (like in the movie Avatar) and you travel back in time and go on dates again that you had in high school.

I'm not kidding. I really had this dream. Sadly though, the dream ended before I went on the date. And that sucks because I was hoping to relive one of the dates/hookups that I most regret.

It was the Summer between 11th and 12th grade and I actually called up a girl that had just graduated because my sister ran into her at a party and she said I should call her. And I was floored because I only knew her from art class. She was really cool and she was hot. A blond haired, short cute chick. A year older and a year more experienced.

So I called her up and asked her out. And I couldn't believe she said yes. We go out on the date, and we ended up cruising around and parking*. She was into The Who so I pop in the cassette of Who's Next. Then we start making out. Then "heavy petting". Then it was getting more and more heated. Her pants are off and shirt is open. Everything except "it" happened. And I have no idea why I didn't round home. My policy before then had always been, "Keep going until they say no". Then, ask again...perhaps beg. I don't know.

But it always bothered me because we never went out again. I really can't remember if I never called her or if I called her and she said no. And I don't know how I can even forget because here was this cool, hot chick and..well...I feel like I blew it. Maybe it's because I liked her and thought that I better not go all the way and ruin it.

It also could have been that around this time I was kind of shy. I wasn't shy around my friends but sometimes around strangers and girls I would clam up. About a year later for some reason I got major confidence and my mission in life was to meet girls. Everything revolved around it and I had no inhibitions about approaching women. And it turns out, that's the key I found. Opening up your trap and talking you stupid idiot.

I think I'll have write some more posts to go deeper into this subject. Anyone else have any dating regrets?

*The picture above shows the actual car that was used. Same color too! Except Ricardo Montalban wasn't there. That I know of.

Watch Where You're Goin' A%#Hole. Mr Show. Holes.

I've been watching episodes of Mr Show that I got for my birthday. Man this was a great show. I wished they'd do some more stuff together.

Check out this sketch. It reminds me of some of the dudes I went to high school with and the many fights that almost broke out. (Foul language alert so if you have kids, tell them there's a unicorn outside so they'll leave the room).



OK that's about it....You know what? What the hell. I'm giving you guys a double shot. It's Saturday morning. Just get another cup of coffee and enjoy this musical about a classic joke (with appearance by Jack Black):

You Might Hate Me After Reading This. Devil Stuff.

OK. I know many of you have printed out pictures of That Blue Yak, hand drawn in features that you think look like me, then have made mini shrines in your homes for worship purposes.

But I've got a confession. I'm NOT perfect. Calm down, calm down. It's true.

Here's a story of something I did in high school that I'm not proud of. Many of you might think I'm a jerk because of some of the things I write, but to tell you the truth, if someone is getting picked on I'm usually the first to step in and tell them to knock it off. Of course if they're not in hearing distance, how can making fun of them hurt them? It can't. Right? I guess that's just my policy.

But like I said above, here's a case of something that I still do feel bad about. I'll write it the way that I told it to a few friends the day after it happened in 11th grade:

"'You're not going to believe what we did to Thompson last night. You know how he's scared to shit and gets spooked by any mention of horror movies or devil shit when we're wasted? "

"Well, we scared the shit out of him last night. I made this box and filled it with all this weird crap like hand written quotes from the bible about the devil - but I made them look like they were written by a serial killer. Then I put all these dried flowers in and other crap. And there was this weird devil thing I found and I made it into a necklace."

"So we're out with him, Flare and Kindle and we're wasted. So I pull over and say, 'I've got to show you something that's changed my life.' (And I've always been able to do a great possessed imitation)"

"So I say I was in the woods and I found it. And he opens it up and is like, 'What the fuck is this shit?'. He's totally buying it and he's starting to freak out a bit, 'What the fuck is this shit?'"

"So I pull out the necklace and that I have in my pocket and say, 'And there's also THIS! This discovery has changed my life. You've got to be a part of this."'

"So the two other guys in the car are in on the 'joke.' The one falls out of the car and pretends he's throwing up. The other dude - who speaks Hungarian starts talking in Hungarian.

"So Thompson is like, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!"'

"We drive him home and as we pull up he jumps out of the car and runs to his house. "

That was about it. I'm not proud of if but I was just thinking about it lately.

So is anyone going to take down their shrines?

(And for the record, he was starting to become a dick)

Rock and Roll High School. The Ramones. School Fire.

The TBY Friday Send Off Song is one day late because lightening knocked out my Verizon yesterday. My house was the only one effected...and affected.

(shakes fist at sky) "This better not be a sign Lord"

So the dedication this week goes to Miss Alex from Fonzie Sox that wrote this great post about me yesterday. I'll bet you anything she loves this Ramones song Rock and Roll High School because she's from New York and she's a rock and roll chick.

And I also want to give a shout out to Sybil Law and Debbie from the blog Suburban Sanity for leaving comments this week. Thanks.

Does anyone remember seeing this when it came out?



238 followers following TBY.

Here's A Real Creepy Nightmare I Had Last Night

This is a real nightmare I had last night. This is not a joke. Some creepy dude had me locked in a wooden coffin. I heard him telling someone on the outside that he would release me under the following conditions:

1) He wanted samples of my hair. All hair, including eyelashes and nether region hair.
2) He wanted a skin scraping sample.
3) He wanted a silhouette outline of my body straight on as well as sideways. And he clarified that the side view should include an outline when I was erect. WHAT THE HELL!!??

Now it gets even creepier. I got a call out of the blue IN REAL LIFE on Friday from someone I haven't spoken to since high school. He left a voicemail. He wanted to know how things have been. I have no plans to call him back because I'm sure he's going to want to get together. The creepy thing is - he was the dude in the nightmare! But aged and scrawny and serial killerish. AHHHHHHH!

What do you think this means?