HAHA! Remember This Career Killing Video? Fem. Billy Squiere.

Remember this Billy Squiere video that literally killed his career because he looked like such a fem?

Dear God is this embarrassing. Also, try watching it with the sound off.

Gloria Huddle Considered For Talent Show Lead. Operator.

[A mid sized insurance company is planning a talent show. They'll be competing against another division at their company picnic. They're giving themselves months to rehearse since they've never won]

Bill: OK so we have all of the parts but we still need someone that can really sing. We need a star.

Tammy: There's nobody else. Why don't we just cancel?

Mike: We CAN'T cancel! I know...What about Gloria?

Bill: Gloria? She barely says a word!

Tammy: NO! Mike is right! Didn't she used to be a singer? I heard she was on TV years ago.

Mike: Yeah. Google her name. Or look on Youtube. Lets see if she's good.

And then they crowded around a computer and saw this.......

Remember These? Sony Walkman. Motorola Bag Phone. Palm Pilot Vx.

What the hell is that product you ask? The Sony Walkman. Yup. I had one back in the day. Pretty life changing if you ask me. And look at those crappy headphones. And carry cassette tapes around? Yeah that was fun.

Oh how far we've come in 2012.

And here's another product I had around 1992. The Motorola Bag phone. Since I was an important, young executive back in those days and had a one hour commute I bought this in case of emergencies. This is how most people started calls back then, "It's me! I'm calling from THE CAR! ....No really. I'm in my car! Making a call! To you!"

Oh and the Palm Pilot Vx. I actually loved this product. I was one of the first to get it at work. Totally space age. Except using the stylus was a pain in the ass. But look at that sleek design. I kind of wish I saved a lot of my old devices but what am I going to do? Take them out of a box every five years and look at them?

Who Would YOU Like to Have Drinks With? Geri Jewell. David Doyle.Facts of Life.

Imagine if I could arrange a night of drinks with you and a washed up annoying celebrity. And before you get excited YOU'RE paying. Would that "celebrity" be.....

Geri Jewell (the one on the left) from The Facts of Life? (note how she doesn't know where the camera is. Also, a little support I think is needed in the chestal area)

Your second choice is David Doyle from Charlie's Angels. Remember, you'll have to listen to that voice of his while trying not to stare at his mole.

And lastly, this chick from the show Alice. I forget her name right now. Probably because I couldn't stand that show. Except I always found it funny that people thought the catchphrase, "Mel, Kiss My Grits" was funny. So edgy.

And once you pick your celebrity please feel free to tell me what types of questions you would ask them. And other important details. Perhaps you would present Geri Jewell with some cerebral palsy jokes that she could use in her act like, "I'm looking for a fwend named Wattle and Woll so we can be like a Bill Haley and the Comets song. Shake, Wattle and Woll. I'll be Shake. Get it?"*

OK tell me that joke is not as good or better than one of her jokes. Hmmm? Hmmm?

*When presenting this "joke" to Geri it's important to tell it while standing up. Then, once you deliver the killer punch line you have to smile with satisfaction and wait for laughter. You may be waiting for a bit but....+

Run! Neely Went To Van Halen Last Night! 1980's. Concerts.

I

I used to go to a lot of concerts in high school 

And even though I loved going to concerts I hated when other people went to concerts. Because dudes in high school can't shut their yappers and quit with the bore assing of the concert. Especially this dude we'll call Mike N. He might as well have walked around with a sandwich board announcing his excitement because he wouldn't shut his pie hole. Talking to everyone that would listen. Bonding with other people that would be going to the concert. It would go down like this: 

Tour dates are announced: "Van F%#king Halen mother f#$ker! I. Am. There!"

Tickets purchased: 23rd row to VH! YEAH!! They're gonna rock so hard! No denying!  F%$k Journey! I'm all about Diamond Dave you bitch ass!!

Day before concert: Guess who's going to Van Halen tonight? ME! Whoa, whoa, whoa Jamie's cryin' WEEEMP WHEEEP! *drops to knees and does air guitar.*

Day after concert (proudly wears t-shirt above and struts down the hall): VanHalen rocked! You should have been there! But you weren't! I was though! Best concert ever*! THREE ENCORES! THREE! "Runnin' with the Devil" right into "Eruption" YEAAAHHHH!!! *devil hand motion*

Then in the hall and at lunch he would list every song that was played. Alright now I'm getting pissed all over again.

To read about an incident that happened at a Who concert click here 

*It's ALWAYS the "best concert ever" isn't it?

. 

Mr and Mrs Crotchpains. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Do you know Mr and Mrs Crotchpains? They're frequent commentors on this here blog. I went to college with them. And was thinking the other day what I used to do.

They would be hanging out on his bed and I would stop in and chat. (While trying to ignore the Boy George poster he had*). Then I would say, "OK, see you later." But I would only pretend to leave. I would really be hiding behind the desk. Then I'd hide out.

Like a sleeper cell.

Waiting.

Listening.

And when he would try and talk all lovey dovey I'd peek out and say, "A-HAAAAAA!"

Mrs. C would laugh. Mr C would get pissed and kick me out.

One time I even caught him kissing her arm. Kind of like Pepe LaPew does. And of course..."BUSTED!"

After that he would lead me to the door and lock it.

(image note: that's not Mrs Crotchpains. Just a random college dorm picture from the 80's that I found. But....How. Do. You. Do?????)

*I would always take the Boy George poster off of his wall and hang it on his ceiling above his bed. Seriously, what man has a poster of Boy George?

Carvel Commercials. Who Will Win? Your Voice Counts.

And speaking of Fudgie the Whale (see last post) are you guys familiar with Carvel and it's commercials? They were huge on the East Coast in the 70's and 80's. Here are the top three.


Which one do you like? And why?


Cookie Puss and Hug Me The Bear (listen for the slide whistle)




Fudgie The Whale (Have a Happy Day Dad)





Cookie O'Puss (high tech and space age as shit! And excellent use of the word "Puss" in a food product)

Ayyyyy! The Fonz Saves Joanie From A Rape. Yeah Right.

Yeah right. And also...look what she was wearing. As if she didn't want it.

And why was the Fonz feeling her shoulders up to calm her down. So many questions that will never be answered.

You Want To Touch What Cookie? Wrangler Ranch.

Was telling someone the other day about when my sister worked at the Wrangler Ranch at the Exton Mall. I was in 9th grade and I had to go in to get a pair of jeans.

Her manager was a woman of about 50 named Cookie. She was one of these loud talking, super confident, drill seargent type women. But she was nice. She was just Cookie.

So I go in the store, she's standing there wearing all demin - Wrangler brand of course - and looking like she was ready to go to The Brickette. The Brickette is a local country music bar. And oh yeah. She had that really high hair. It always looked like she just came from the beauty parlour. That's what they used to call it back in those days.

I'm looking at jeans and:

Cookie: Looks like you need to be measured first Mister. Do you mind?

Me: Oh OK.

(She takes the tape measure and wraps it around my waist and measures. Then she gets on her knees so she can do the length)

Cookie: Are you OK with me touching your inseam to get a proper measurement?

(I had no idea what an inseam was)

Me: My what?

Cookie: Your inseam. You know..your crotch region.

Me: Uh....I guess.

Cookie: OK. And the reason I ask Jimmy is because you're a young man. And young men are very excitable? Do you know what I mean here? And even the slightest brush from a woman's hand - or even a tape measure can cause a raging boner. Do you know what a boner is Jimmy? Was that covered in your health class yet?

Me: Uh. Yeah.

Cookie: OK good. Because first thing it's a boner and the next thing you're spewing jizz all over my store. Not on my watch Jimmy. Not on my watch!

OK the last part I made up but she did ask me if she could touch my inseam. So there's that.

Downingtown Farmers Market. Missing Dummy Video.

Did you ever part ways with something then spent the rest of your life thinking of it?

Let me explain. When I worked in high school at the audio store at the Downingtown Farmer's Market, some weird man came in to see if we would buy his video camera.

I think the year may have been 1980 and it was one of those big ass cameras that they probably still use in Russia today.

So he leave the camera with us and we can take a look at it. And the video tape that was inside the camera was pure gold. Solid 24 karat gold. We hit play and we see him walking in front of a black curtain. He's carrying something. What is it? What is it?

It's a ventriloquist dummy. Oh no this is gonna be good. He places the dummy in the chair and walks out of camera view. The song "In My Life" by Paul McCartney begins to play. You can see the man crawling below camera view so he can get behind the dummy to "work it". Just that craptacular move alone made it great.

He plays the entire song. The dummy lip syncing the song to the crappy audio. The room's all echo and shit. Probably was his basement*. (Or "the staging area" as he probably calls it). At the instrumental portion in the middle of the song he shakes the dummy as if it's supposed to be dancing. But he shakes it so much that it looks like it's having convulsions. So much for subtlety.

The song ends and a piece of loose leaf paper is lifted up toward the dummy that reads, "Happy Anniversary". Crappy handwriting and all.

WHAT????

The description might not sound that funny but trust me. It was one of the funniest/creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.

I wonder if the woman viewed the video and cried tears of joy? Or just slowly backed up..looking for an escape. Was this done in one take? So many questions.

But the biggest question is, "Why didn't we keep that tape???"

And the best part is that when the guy came back he was really proud and asked, "Did you see the tape that was in there? I spent a lot of time on that. It was an anniversary gift to my wife."

*torture chamber

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: If I were that guy I would have made ONE change to the video. At the beginning I would have slowly raised my head into camera view. I would have faked a cough. Then, reached for a glass of water (to sooth the cough. You know what I mean?). I would then have sipped the water as the dummy was playing to show that, "Look, it's the dummy really singing". Which really makes no sense at all because it's obvious that it's Paul McCartney singing. But I wouldn't care. I would then give a shrug as if, "How do you explain this one? Nobody can really, but enjoy the rest of the song". Then I would slowly disappear from view. Slowly, like I was going down an elevator. Maybe I'd push an imaginary elevator button first. I'm not sure.)

Confession Of Something I Did In High School. Insulation.

I've got a quick confession. In 11th grade* the "joke" in gym class was to hide shoes so when the bell when off you'd be late for class.

So when somebody did it to me I got pissed.

So the next gym day, I broke into the locker of the dude that did it and rubber fiber glass insulation that I got from my attic in the crotch region of his pants. So we're standing in line for the bell to ring and I see him itching his pants. Then itching a bit more. Face getting all nervous. Then he ran over to his locker.

The bell rings.

I see him later in the hall and he was wearing gym shorts.

Lesson: Don't fuck with me because I will get **revengey on your ass.

*Sorry if I posted this before. I was too lazy to look it up.
** I hereby claim the word "revengey".