Famous Chester County Blogger Suffers Head Injury.

*Approaches podium*

No. I'm OK...settle down people..settle down.

You might have heard that I was injured recently and am sporting a gash on my forehead. I was NOT in a knife fight. You see, I usually use an atlas in my car as a food tray when I'm eating in my car but today I used this huge binder. It's a huge manual that I tried to slip in a box with books and hand off to the Exton Goodwill until they spotted it. "No manuals Sir!" So I threw it in my backseat.

So after I was done eating (Five Guys Burger and Fries) I heaved this concrete block sized binder into the backseat and the side of it ripped my forehead.

DO NOT PANIC! I'm OK!

The gash is only about an inch long and as thin as a playing card (sideways view) but still. It took a few dabs of a tissue to get the blood off but like I said...I'M OK.

I will now open the room to questions.

Global Warming Minus Less Snow Equals Less People Falling.

The one downside of global warming - if it's even true - is that there's less snow. And less snow mean me seeing less people slip and fall. And that makes my heart sad.

Here are three falls that have happened to me.

Age 4 - I was sleeping at my Nana's house and she said that my feet were dirty so I needed to roll up my pajama pants and rinse my feet off before bed. When I was in the tub I decided that I wanted to try and surf on the soap. Just in case you want to try, it's pretty much impossible. Ahhhhhh!

Age 23 - Leaving a Halloween party with my date (I was dressed as a woman), we run into some people I know that were coming into the party. I started hamming it up by doing a really white trash dance, pulling up my skirt and doing the old hands pulling up the hair move. I must have slipped on the high heel and my knee popped out of its' socket and I fell backwards, breaking a wooded fence and a $300 camera I had borrowed from my date's bother. WHOOOOOAAAA!

Last year - My daughter left the conditioner bottle open in the tub so while I was taking a shower, the dangerous, slippery fluid was seeping out of the bottle. Like a carefree cowboy unaware that a rattlesnake is at his ankles, I turn off the shower and reach for by towel. Still whistling my tune.....YAAAHHHHH-NOOOO!

I fall halfway out of the tub. When the fall was over my legs were in the tub, the top of my body was on the outside of the tub. I had a black and blue mark the size of a Frisbee.

(Trumpet with plunger over it) WA WA WA.

Care to share any spills you clumsy asses took?

Practical Joke I Did During A Blizzard

I love practical jokes. In fact, I may just make this a regular feature on the ole' TBY. Here's one that I did years ago:

Setting: Early 1990's during a blizzard in PA. We lived in a condo in Delaware County. About 8 inches were already on the ground. Everything, well, almost everything was closed. Annnnnnd ACTION.

Tom, our neighbor in a third floor units has ordered a pizza. A man who looks as if he is 70 years old, trudges past our first floor unit and makes his way up the outside wooden stairs to deliver the pizza to Tom.

Me: (to wife) What the hell? Look. What's that old guy doing with that pizza?
Wife: (looking out window in amazement) I thought everything was closed? Oh my God he's going to kill himself. Who the hell ordered a pizza in this?
Me: Holy crap Tom did it.

Grasping to the railing, Pizza man slowly makes his way down the icey steps, carefully gets into his way to his car and leaves.

Me: That's it (reaches for phone and dials Tom's number)
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Oh you'll see. (Tom picks up phone on the other end of line. I start talking like an old man in pain). Are you the guy that ordered the pizza?
Tom: It was already delivered.
Me: (still talking as old man) No. I'm the one who delivered it. I just fell. I'm lying in the parking lot out here!
Tom: (frantic) WHAT? OH MY GOD!
Me: I just fell and I'm talking from my cell phone in the parking lot. I think I broke my back. Help me. Help...(voice fades)

Tom then hangs up the phone and comes barreling down three flights as fast as he can without falling. He goes past our condo and into the parking lot. I walk out calmly. Tom is looking all over, no old man is in site, he heads back toward his condo and confronts me.

Tom: (confused) You're not going to believe this.. I ordered this pizza..and then this old guy came and then...(looks at me)
Me: (leaning up against post, eating a sandwich. Trying to act as if I'm intrigued by his story.)
Tom: ..And then....and...OH YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

And Cut!

Does anyone else have any good practical jokes stories they want to post? If you do, leave a note in the comments telling us that you've posted it.