BREAKING NEWS: TBY SNAGS INTERVIEW WITH CRAIG BIERKO.
As you know, many celebs follow Dr Zibbs on Twitter. They also follow my Father Kelly character. One of these people is Craig Bierko. To see what he's done, click here. (You can follow him on Twitter @MrCraigBierko . Please do so, and tell him Dr Zibbs sent ye).
And now, ladies and gentleman, I give you Craig Bierko:
Before we begin, Dr. Zibbs, may I just say what an honor it is for me
personally to be interviewed by someone like yourself who, despite a
total lack of access to actual show business, has nevertheless -
through shear pluck and good will - managed to hook AND pull a big
fish like me into the boat. Good for you - and, if I may, good for
America.
Just felt that needed to be said. Okay, fire away - show 'em how it's done!
1) Who are some of your celeb friends?
What are you, retarded? You kidding me? "Who are some of my celeb
friends?" And did you really just say "celeb"? Like you don't have the
time in your busy day of sleeping in, masturbating and tweeting me for
favors to say "rity"?
"Celeb friends" like you're Rona Barrett. Idiot.
2) Do you have any celebrity arch enemies?
It's the second question and I already hate you. Actual hate. Not
dislike. I dislike Hitler, cancer and "iCarly." You, I hate - and not
only that, I long to beat you to death with your own shoe.
3) You are one of the tallest famous people. Which means your probably
one of the best fighters. Who couldn't you beat up in a fight?
(Craig just stares. After ten minutes, not having so much as blinked,
he is audibly snoring)
4) You were originally cast as Chandler in Friends. Are you kind of
glad you didn't get the part because people would still sing that
stupid theme song to you as you walked the streets?
Well, it's a compelling question - and certainly one that I haven't
been asked by and endless parade of socially tone deaf, bottom-feeding
corpse tripe zombies like yourself - so, congratulations up front on
that, right off the bat. Once again, you could've asked me anything -
why not ask the one thing I'm quoted on everywhere on the web?
But, to answer your question, I appeared on the first three seasons of
Friends as the seventh friend "Glenn" - but the role just didn't seem
to gel with the overall tone of the show and, in retrospect, maybe
Glenn shouldn't have addressed the camera directly and rolled his
eyes whenever one of the other characters said something sarcastic. I
take responsibility for that choice because the producers asked me to
stop talking to the cameras on numerous occasions.
Also, it was a very tense set because I was dating Courtney, Lisa and
Jen at the same time - so they all hated each other and I think it
shows on screen.
Ultimately, the decision to leave was mine - though the idea of firing
me originated with everyone else. The idea of Glenn lighting himself
on fire to protest underpaid Wal-Mart greeters was pitched by
Courtney, Lisa and Jen, I believe. That was real fire by the way -the
cast insisted we make Glenn's death as real as possible for the sake
of the comedy and I didn't want to cause any more tension than I
already had so I agreed - and that's why I'm covered head to toe with
these knotty oozing scars, by the way. Anyway, it was a cute scene.
5) You were hysterical in Scary Movie 4. Do you have plans to do more comedy?
Yes.
6) According to Wikipedia, you've been "involved with" Charlize
Theron, Gretchen Mol, Janeane Garofalo and Meg Ryan. What does
"involved with" EXACTLY mean and more importantly, did my name come
up?
You're clearly not employed - so there's no network weasel standing
over your shoulder telling you to stop masturbating so much and
demanding that 65% of the questions you ask appeal to the tastes of
the "short forehead" set - so why would you spend the precious gift of
your non-corporatized, totally unrestrained yippie-ay-oh-ky-ay,
rootin' tootin' motherfucking journalistic cowboy freedom on some
stupid question unworthy of the dumbest, soul-dead Entertainment
Tonight cunterviewer?
Good god, Zibbs - men and women in uniform are getting blown apart
into dog food, scraped off the walls of Iraq and Afghanistan to ensure
your freedom of speech - and this is how you honor them? By asking the
guy from "Scary Movie 12" where he placed his pud? Man, I can't wait
for the sweet, sweet giddy release of beating you to death with your
own shoe.
7) When will me...Dr Zibbs and Father Kelly be doing a project
together? I'm thinking maybe a Father Kelly drama. I'd like to cast
you as the Pope.
Fuck you.
Thanks again!
Is there lunch? I was told I'd be given lunch.
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To see my favorite Bierko clip from Scary Movie 4, check out this post I wrote.
