Blogger Tells All How Many Things Have Been In His Butt.

I'll be totally honest. Only one thing has gone in my butt. An enima when I was five.

And there was this other time in college when I was having sex with this chick and she tried to put her finger in my butt but I clenched my butt cheeks. She got the message loud and clear. It's just not my bag baby.

My friend Flare one time read me a list of things that have been found in people's butts. One of them was a typewriter. A typewriter? Yeah right. A light bulb or a wrench I can believe but a typewriter? Do you think I was born yesterday?

How many things have been in your butt? Please list the items and the number of times the things have been there. You know - in your butt.

Please be honest. Thank you.

I Can See That Chick's Crack! Blackberry Camera Help Needed!

So suppose one can see some chick's crack right now because she's wearing low rider jeans.

And suppose one wanted to snap a picture with their Blackberry and email it to his friend Sean but when taking a picture, the camera makes a noise.

How would one - and I'm not saying it's me - disable the sound so the chick wouldn't hear the camera go off?

Or would it be better to take the picture and make a really loud sound at the same time like a fake sneeze, dropping a book or yelling something like, "Don't turn around! Some bees are about to sting you!!"

Or maybe this person - this person that I'm totally making up - would just take the picture. Then when the chick turned around he could pretend he's trying to figure out the blackberry as if he just bought it and he could be looking at it and in a curious, confused way and say,

"Now that's not how it sends email...hmmm? (taps blackberry on desk then shakes it). Hello? Verizon? Who can even figure these things out anyway? Not me........

Thanksgiving Is Gonna Be Way Better This Year

Imagine the horror when I was flipping through the Bed, Bath and Beyond circular and I see this contraption for inserting stuffing into a turkey. It's called a stuffing cage. WHAT THE HELL? Is this is the most obscene food photo you've ever seen? Is there anyway to shove this thing inside a bird without moaning, "Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh! Owwww. Rub some more butter on my sides - it's too BIG!"

I'll be heading to my inventor's workshop* tonight to put together prototypes for two accoutrements for this turkey cage: Mini Drumstick Cuffs and Tom Turkey Ball Gag. I said it once and I said it before, "I'm gonna be rich!"

*To see one of my other inventions, click here.