Who Wants In On A Ground Floor Money Making Venture? Hair Net Related.

Imagine sitting on your yacht basking in the sun. You don't have the money? Well you will once you lend me money for my new product then I pay you back once it's a hit.

OK. So you know when you're getting a blow job and the chick's hair keeps falling in her face so you have to hold it back so you can see her? Well I gots two words for you: Hair. Net.

It's a "sexy" hair net that will keep the hair out of her eyes for your viewing pleasure. 

But I'm going to have my designers come up with a few super sexy hair net versions so it's just not a just simple lunch lady hair net. Really class it up. It's hard to explain. You're just going to have to trust me on this.

I'm going to advertise it with a kick ass infomercial too. Like the guy will be fumbling to hold her hair back. And he's getting all frustrated. And he'll try to put a scrunchy in her hair but he does it with one hand and he can't do it  - maybe pokes her in the eye like a clumsy ass oaf - and the girl gets up and says, "Forget it. It's not worth it." Then she leaves. He's left sitting there looking like a pathetic dope. What a loser. 

Maybe at the end you'll see the girl down there then the guy has two hands free to read a book. OK. Get your check books ready.

Thanks.

TBY Product Warning: The Egg Genie. Do NOT Buy This Product!

Do any of you wonder if you may be retarded? Open your cabinet. Did you purchase the Egg Genie?

You did?

Well, you better sit down because I've got something to tell you. Are you ready. You my friend are retarded.

You have to be. I saw the commercial yesterday and the Egg Genie* is the most useless kitchen gadget since the microwave bacon cooker. It claims to cook eggs perfectly. Do you know how I cook eggs perfectly? I use a timer.

I'd like to interview the people that watch this commercial then are convinced that they not only need this but that after a few months they'll actually still be using it.

And one more thing. Who the hell uses soft boiled eggs for Eggs Benedict? Retarded people you say? Case closed.

If you want to see the commercial and featuring the soft boiled Eggs Benedict click here.

*and could you imagine if you received the Egg Genie as a gift? I'd love to see the anticipation on the faces of the people that gave you the gift as they sit there in anticipation, thinking that you're going to open it and be all excited. And they're waiting to yell, "..and it's great for making soft boiled eggs for Eggs Benedict. It's right there on the side of the box!" Then they look around proudly see if anyone else at the party is looking at them and thinking, "Great. Let's pretend you're sick so we can leave. We're going to look like fools when our gift is opened and they see that we only gave them cash. Stupid, non-egg steaming cash".

Ban Deodorant People Need To Fire Marketing A-hole. Limited Edition Collectible.

I've never called for anyone to be fired but after reaching for deodorant this morning that's all changed.

I was out of my own deodorant so I was fishing around in the closet and found Ban Vanilla Scented Deodorant. I guess it'll be fine to wear for a day. I don't really smell so I only wear deodorant because I'm a very compassionate person and I don't want stinky people to feel different.

Well guess what's on the label of this vanilla scented Ban bottle? I'm not lying here. It says, "limited edition packaging"!!

How in the hell is this a selling benefit? How many levels of the marketing department saw this and thought it was a good idea to make it "limited edition"? I could see if it were in a train shaped glass bottle like those crappy Avon colognes but it's in the regular shaped plastic bottle.

Or maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I should hoard as many as I can and in fifty years I can bring a case of them on Antiques Roadshow.

"What you have here Dr Zibbs is a perfect vanilla scented Ban bottle. Notice how it's light green instead of dark green. I've seen pomegranate scented bottles go for $5000 at auction but I don't recall ever seeing vanilla. Congratulations."

"Wow. I could sell it but I guess the wise thing to do will be to keep it in the family as it's such a part of our family history."

Sham Wow Vs Head On - There's No Contest

When it comes to TV advertising spending I didn't think anyone would top HeadOn. That commercial was on non stop. And I don't know how they even sold one unit of HeadOn because they were never clear on what to do with it. Specifically, where should it be applied? Who would even know? Maybe I wasn't listening closely enough.

The Sham Wow* on the other hand is going places and I predict is going to be a product star. And why? Look at the smooth talk of Vince the Sham Wow guy. He's telling you where it's at. It's as simple as that. And I'm sure you ladies can agree that if this fellow approached you in a bar, you'd be putty in his hands. Yeah. Don't lie.



*They say to beware of imitators. So....I'm just warning you. And damn it..where was the Sham Wow during hurricane Katrina? If my calculations are correct, they could have cleaned up that New Orleans mess with about 10 Sham Wows. Damn you slow development cycles!