If you read my blog you know that I talk about dancing a lot. I love to dance. I will now share with you the place where I've developed some of my trademark moves. And by "trademark" I mean that I stole them from some of these dancers and "trademarked" them.
Enjoy.
Man oh man I've been cleaning the heck out of my house and bringing stuff to the Exton Goodwill. When you drop stuff off you then drive around the corner and you're greeted by the smiling, 15 foot face of the rascal pictured above*. She gives a friendly, "Thank you." Well you are welcome me lady! Glad I could be of assistance. *tips imaginary hat*
I think they should modify it so that as you pass, the lips move and in the deep voice of a giant it says, "DON'T FORGET YOUR RECEIPT." Then it winks or something. I don't know.
Or if I work there I'm going to modify it so as a car is driving away and there's a kid looking out the window the pupils will turn red and the mouth will move and whisper, "I'm watching youuuuuu" or "Stay in school." Something like that.
How much do you think something like that would cost?
*See? I actually HELP retarded people. Do you know that one of the items I dropped off was a "Welcome to Niagara Falls" tit mug (mug in the shape of a tit that has a hole in the nipple that you can drink out of). Retarded people NEVER get access to items like that. If some of you guys had a tit mug you were done with I bet you would say, "Hmmm. Should I throw this in the trash or donate it to a retarded person?" Then you would open your trash can and drop it in, "Meh, THOSE people don't need a tit mug." That question never even entered my mind!
I started a band!!! Here's a video. That's me there on the left.
Naaaaaaaa. Naaaaaa. Naaaaaaa. That's not me. I posted this video on my blog a few years ago and just wanted to share it with everyone again. What do you think?
Alright I swear I'm not making this up or exaggerating.
I was walking the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few days ago. It's a nice trail that borders the Brandywine River. Delightlful. It's about 80% shaded too. So if you want to keep your smooth, alibaster skin perfect it's the place for you.
So I see a couple approaching me. They're holding hands. I could tell as they got closer that they were in their teens. Once I'm about 20 feet from them I realize that the dude is an Indian and the girl is a.... Wait for ittttt...a mongoloid!
And this is where it turned weird. As she's passing me she gave me this look. A look of convidence. As if saying, "Yeah. I've got a boyfriend." I swear to God it was just weird! Or it was like how a vampire would look at you and he was saying to you, "This is OUR secret. Are we clear with this?" Usually when a retarded person looks at you it's obvious that they're retarded but she looked completely lucid. The whole thing was just odd.
And is it even legal for a normal to date a retarded person??
Or maybe she just LOOKED mongoloid like Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley (see picture below) but I swear she was retarded.
This may sound mean but I’m stating the facts.
Years ago while vacationing with the family in Ocean City New Jersey we went up to Gillians Wonderland Pier with the kids. Gillians is on the boardwalk and has rides for the tots.
We’d usually get our happy hour in, then fill up a water bottle with booze to sip on during the time we had to spend at Gillians. Well, I would bring the booze water bottle but the others were babies so they didn’t. Well, I think my friend Debbie later did. I forget.
Actually that part of the story doesn’t even matter. Here’s what does. We’re standing at the “Scrambler” - you know, that ride where you sit and it looks like a giant spider? And it spins and stretches it’s long legs?
So I’m standing next to the ride operator and every so often when one of the cars swings over for the split second near us I could hear someone saying, “Stop the ride.”
Then it would go away. Then, “I gotta get off!”
Then it was gone.
Well it turns out that there was a retarded man in one of the cars that obviously wanted to get off. And the ride operator - a eighteen year old kid - was just looking at him. And kind of smiling. In a demented way. As if saying, “You can ask me to stop the ride as many times as you want Pal but it ain’t happening. Because I’m having too much fun torturing you.” It was so obvious he heard the dude screaming to stop the ride.
It’s the kind of thing where somebody should have stepped in but…you know… the management office was all the way back there and all so….
And here’s what’s even funnier, I look on the other side of the operator and the retarded man’s family is leaning up against the gate. And they’re laughing. Hysterically. I mean roaring with laughter.
The car would approach, “STOP THE RIDE!”
And a family member would yell, “Nope! You wanted to go on it!”
This went on for a good five minutes or so. There’s no real ending to the story. He didn’t throw up or anything but I just saw a picture of a scrambler and remembered the story. It’s pretty wrong don’t you think? Funny. But wrong.
Do you know what my phobia is?
Retarded people.
Not so much anymore, but when I was younger. And no, it wasn't their apelike strength that scared me. You see, as a lad I was very shy and I think my fear was that they would approach me and want to come up and hug me. Making a huge spectacle. And everyone would look at me.
Like I'd be at a mall or something and I'd hear a commotion. Then I'd round the corner and a retarded person (usually a mongoloid) would see me, stop in his tracks, and for some reason want to hug me. He would then start walking through the crowd, pushing people out of the way and clapping and saying something like, "Mikey! Mikey!"...like he confused me for someone named Mikey.
People would be watching him approach. Some pulling their children in closer. I'd be paralyzed with fear and then...the hugging would begin. And he would be petting my hair, "Wemember dat time that we went da fair? Do you wemember dat Mikey? Do you? ..What's wong Mikey?"
And I'd just stand there, pretending it wasn't happening as people watched.
"What's going on over there?"
"I don't know. From the looks of it some retarded character just found his friend Mikey."
Something like that.
Kristen this is for you (he says in the style of the Nanny when she's yelling to Damien in the Omen right before she jumps off the roof).
OK. Here is a clip from the movie Welcome Home JellyBean. I was telling Kristen about it the other day. It's a movie from the 80's about a retarded girl. The retarded gal is played by the girl that was the daughter in the second National Lampoon Vacation movie. She's dead now so don't even try making fun of her.
And the acting is TERRIBLE. It's an insult to retarded people AND elevators. There's no need to watch the clip after the elevator scene but what is going on in there? (Besides the bad acting). Look at the panic that happens when the emergency button is pressed. What's up wid that Holmes?
You read that post title correctly. My mommy got me a new pillow for Christmas. And as I wrote on Twitter: "..it works great! I'm gonna call it Lil' Fluff - the pillow who believed in love."
See. You need to follow me on twitter (@DrZibbs) or you'll miss all the pillow related news that I may tweet about. Imagine hearing this news an hour ago? Instead, you're just hearing it now. It's kind of sad if you think about it.
So anyways. The pillow works great. It's super fluffy. My old pillow was such a dick. It was all flat and used up. If I was ridiculous enough to name an OLD pillow I'd probably call it something like "Pete the pillow that dreamed of being a pancake..and did".
And it's true. It's like someone broke into my house every night then brought Pete outside and ran him over with a steam roller. Everyday it seemed to get flatter and flatter. There's really no other explaination I can think of. Can you?
I've been complaining about my pillow for a few years but when I wake up, I never seem to remember how crappy it is and then drive to a store and buy a new pillow. And that's pretty bad if you think about it because it means that I've forgotten the same thing, everyday for like 1200 days IN A ROW!
Oh my God. Once I see it in writing that's pretty bad. Let me read that over again.
(reads it over again)
Yup. That's pretty bad.
Do any of you wonder if you may be retarded? Open your cabinet. Did you purchase the Egg Genie?
You did?
Well, you better sit down because I've got something to tell you. Are you ready. You my friend are retarded.
You have to be. I saw the commercial yesterday and the Egg Genie* is the most useless kitchen gadget since the microwave bacon cooker. It claims to cook eggs perfectly. Do you know how I cook eggs perfectly? I use a timer.
I'd like to interview the people that watch this commercial then are convinced that they not only need this but that after a few months they'll actually still be using it.
And one more thing. Who the hell uses soft boiled eggs for Eggs Benedict? Retarded people you say? Case closed.
If you want to see the commercial and featuring the soft boiled Eggs Benedict click here.
*and could you imagine if you received the Egg Genie as a gift? I'd love to see the anticipation on the faces of the people that gave you the gift as they sit there in anticipation, thinking that you're going to open it and be all excited. And they're waiting to yell, "..and it's great for making soft boiled eggs for Eggs Benedict. It's right there on the side of the box!" Then they look around proudly see if anyone else at the party is looking at them and thinking, "Great. Let's pretend you're sick so we can leave. We're going to look like fools when our gift is opened and they see that we only gave them cash. Stupid, non-egg steaming cash".
Just a few questions about the retards that stand outside of the Today Show with their signs:
- Do they make their signs before traveling? And roll them up and consider it carry on? Holding it like precious gold the entire way?
- Or perhaps the first stop they make in New York is to a drugstore so they can pick up sign making supplies.
- Do some of the signs have even worse sayings on the back and even crappier handwriting because it was their first draft?
- For years to come, do they tell tell the story of how their sign made it onto The Today Show for 3 seconds and Al Roker almost made a comment about it until he saw the "Super Moms from Michigan" sign.
And lastly, do these people have any idea that there's much more interesting things to do in New York?
So I guess everyone heard about the comment that Obama made about his bowling last night on Leno. He said his bowling skills were like the Special Olympics.
I knew his feelings about the retarded were going to come out. When I was at the White House a few weeks ago I snuck down to the bowling alley to smoke a bone and look at the sign that Obama had hanging in the alley:
White House Bowling Rules Concerning the Retarded
1) Do not dribble the balls. These are not basketballs. They're meant to be rolled.
2) Actually....no dribbling of any sort.
3) If the ball goes in the gutter and the retard rejoices, explain to him that a gutter ball doesn't count.
4) If a super human retard can read and he or she reads the name of the bowling machinery and asks, "Who's Brunswick?" Tell them Brunswick is a monster that lives behind the pins and will get them if they don't collect their trash when leaving the lanes.
5) When the retards put their fingers in the ball return and lose their fingers, please remove their fingers before leaving the lanes.
6) Yes, they are pretty shoes but they're rentals which means they're not for keeps. Uh....Come to think of it...keep the shoes.
And on this theme the Friday send off song is Corky from Life Goes on singing celebrate. I've played it before but it's so classic that it needs to be enjoyed again.
And it's dedicated to Prunella Jones. Her funny comments have been cracking me up all week.
Here is a clip that someone made using video of Corky (actor Chis Burke) and his mom from the show Life Goes On. I found it on the Youtube.
The mashup is very simple but brilliant. Just the addition of sound to the video changes everything.
Now I'm not showing you this because I just watched it 10 times in a row and can't stop laughing at the scream that can be heard at the end of the clip. No. I'm showing it to you as an introduction - a forum if you will - on the topic of immaturity that I'd like to start.
Yup. That's why.
And if you can't watch videos at work, scribble out a reminder to watch it when you get home. Do it now because you know you'll forget.
Well it's the weekend so it's time as usual to start things out with a song. Here's another great video from Brad Neely that you have to watch. It's so funny that it makes me want to kill something! When you're done watching that, see below for a very serious weekend issue.
So here's the problem. A neighbor invited us to a local benefit. There's a silent auction and it's only $10 to get in. Light food and beer. But I just found out it's to benefit Special People - (raises one brow and talks a bit softer and slower) - you know what I mean by "special" don't you?
Well, you know that I have a fear of these special people. Sure, I discuss them from the safety of my blog but that doesn't mean that I need to interact with them in real life. I like lions too but you don't see me entering their cages. No. I'd rather safely poke them with a stick from the outside of the cage thank you.
So, does anyone have any ideas I can use to repel the Special People in case they want to approach me? And they will. Are there certain colors that they fear, a look I can cast or phrase to mumble to them? Something like, "Better get out of here. I heard there's a werewolf coming in here." Any tricks to give them the hint of "No thanks - move onto the next guy please".
I just have this crazy feeling that one of the Specials is going to see me from across the room and want to come over and hug me. Trust me. I've just got that look.
So, I was reading the blog of Fonzie Sox and she had a link to this hysterical elevator story on the blog of one Chachi Sox. To view it, click here.
And to read a post about my trip in an elevator with a very special young man, check out this classic by clicking here. (Note that some think this may be my funniest post. Others think it's my most retarded. You be the judge).
And check out this photo that H put on her blog It's Always Darkest Before I Open My Eyes . These things are finger condoms. She claims to have found them at "work". Rrrrright. And it's a "friend" that explores butts with them. Yeah IIIIII see.
And for don't forget to plan your weekend around me because as usual, I'll have a few posts up. Be part of this exclusive weekend club of winners!
You want to see Chris Burke* singing? You got it. I saw this Corky and Friends video over at one of my new favorite blogs, Bug-Eyed Blog and talk about a Saturday morning gift. Sweet!
I'd like to do an experiment though, take a sip of a beverage and hold it in your mouth. When the video reaches the 46 second mark, I defy anyone to be able to hold the liquid in their mouth. It's literally impossible.
*And if you want to celebrate more Corky stuff, check out my award winning post about an elevator rode I took with Chris Burke here.
