Monday, August 16, 2010

Childhood Story About Shoplifting. Big Ole Lesbian On Rampage.



Here's a true story that happened to me about shoplifting. It happened at small convenience store - Deli Grove - that we used to walk to as kids.

I think I was in 7th grade. I will now tell the tale in the way that we probably told people who weren't there.

You're not gonna believe what fucking happened!!

We were at Deli Grove yesterday sitting on the back concrete pad, and the big dike chick comes out and is like, "OK. I know you stole the lighter." To Desmond.

He's like, "I don't know what you're talking about."

She's like, "Bullshit. I saw you steal the lighter. You want me to call the cops?"

Desmond's all, "OK fine, I stole the lighter, here have it back. What are you gonna do? "

And she's like, "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You guys are gonna clean up all of this trash back here. Every piece. And if you don't, I'm calling the fuzz".

So as soon as she walks away, Desmond's like, "Fuck that mountain woman, I'm not cleaning up any trash. I'm not her slave. Let's get out of here."

So we all leave. But then we're down near Bull's house and we hear this muscle car coming down Scott Drive. We're like, "What the?...."

Well it's the mountain woman chick in her Chevelle! She screeches the car and jumps out. We're all like, "BOOK!" And we all run in separate directions. Well she catches Desmond and picks him up in this bear hug from behind. LIKE A BIGFOOT WOULD. It's like she had super human strength!

His little boots are trying to kick her and his face is turning all red and everything. We're hiding behind one the pine tree watching the whole thing. He's trying to yell, "GET OFF OF ME!" But his face is all red and everything. Like he can't breath!

She finally drops him and he gets up. After she pulls away he gives her the finger. But she didn't see it. She banned him from the store FOR LIFE. He was trying not to cry but...well he was.

It was fucked up! You HAD to see it!

16 comments:

Pearl said...

Ha! :-) He totally had it coming though!!!

:-)

Pearl

Dr Zibbs said...

Pearl - he did too!

diane said...

That's a funny story. I'm so glad you didn't tell it in the "Stand By Me" fashion. This was way better. xo

Dr Zibbs said...

Diane - I really should do a month long 7th and 8th grade story roll.

I seems people like these stories. And I've go tons of them.

Jessica said...

My school stories are so lame. They just involve lonely nights in my Catholic boarding school dorm with all the other uniformed, lonely girls.

Scope said...

Jessica... Were there...
Dare I ask...
Pillow fights?

Dr Zibbs said...

Jessica - I agree with Scope. You need to write a post about that.

Son of a Thomas said...

"Book" Ha! Forgot about that! I will be trying to use that all day.

Dr Zibbs said...

Son of a T - I haven't thought of the word "book" in years either until I started recalling this story.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

So did you really talk with bad 70's cop show slang?
Are you really that old? If so, will you post a picture of your ass?

Oops, maybe I've said too much.

Gwen said...

We always yelled, "Hit the ditches!"

Alice said...

I hope he learned a lesson! haha

PS - the capcha is "lebbizin". HAHA So close to LESBIAN. No? You don't think? Well...shut up. :P

Dr Zibbs said...

"Hit the ditches" Ha!

Kristen said...

Oh, the deli grove - that's still around!

Great story, really benefits from being told like a 7th grader would.

Loved the line about him trying not to cry. Big tough baby.

Dr Zibbs said...

Kristen - Or as some people call it now, "NEW Delhi Grove". Get it?

Caffeine Court said...

Ha Ha!!!!! So West Chester!!! I wrote the post you requested. but it's not funny at all. Maybe you can write the next one for me!!