Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What I Used To Do To Jerks When I Sold Magazines Over The Phone.

Back in college I had a part time job selling magazine subscriptions to people over the phone. I know, I know..”How do YOU get all the glamorous jobs?”

Of course this was before the “do not call” list. So it was a time when random people could call you and try and sell you things you didn’t need ala’ the phone.

It didn’t bother me when people said no or hung up on me but some people were real jerks. Like, “Listen you loser, take my name off your list! Don’t ever call back here again you asshole! Do you hear me??!”

Oh I hear you all right. I hear you enough to make a notation next to your number (usually a drawing of skull and bones) then when my manager leaves the room I will do this:

Jerk: Hello?

Me: Uh yeah…it’s me again. The magazine guy.

Jerk: I thought I told you not to….

Me: (calmly) Hold on now dear sir. Because I’m only going to say this once: You WILL be buying these magazines. Are we clear?

Jerk: I will not be buying your magazines!!!!!

Me: Oh no you will. Everybody’s doing it. Now the next step is you picking which one to buy. Were you aware that Good Housekeeping offers helpful tips for the modern…..


Me: Sir, my manager is a very busy man. You sound like a bowler. Oh….and before I forget, can you have your credit card number ready because I get a break in a few minutes and I want to wrap up this sale quickly…OK, now back to the selling…


Me: Sir, I’m not going to call you cheap but will you – in a calm voice – explain to me why you’re so unwilling to open your wallet. Do you know HOW to read? Because if you don’t magazines would make a great gift for a friend…if they can read of course.

Jerk: WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR COMPANY??!! I’m calling the Better Business Bureau!!

Me: Sir the name of my company is very confidential. I’m really not at liberty to say. But I will say this: Cat Fancy is the top selling cat magazine in…



sybil law said...

I hope your salary didn't depend on commission!

Dr Zibbs said...

It was hard to track. I only lasted there a few weeks

TrinaLikesWine said...

hahaha! "Cat Fancy"

Dr Zibbs said...

Trina- I know. And I bet some of the cat fancy subscribers keep all their back issues in those magazine binders.


TC said...

I had a job where we would pre-call people with a recording from "PJ the DJ" asking them to answer a trivia question to win a house plant or silver plated serving tray. Then, we called back to set up delivery of the "prize" and OH by the way they'll be bring a Filter Queen vacuum for you to look at. HA, good times.

蘆洲買屋 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Dr Zibbs said...

TC - A filter Queen. Haha.

Dr Zibbs said...


Jessica said...

Haha! I could never do that job. Kudos.

Chris said...

That's how I ended up with a subscription to Bondage Babes Monthly. At least that is what I told my wife.

Dr Zibbs said...

Jessica - I hated every second of it.

Chris - That was you??