Exton Teen Reports on Monster Quest

As punishment for writing "Holinsford's Mom Smell Like Ass" on the side of the under construction "Main Street Exton Barn", Ferder Shaw (Exton 12 year old) reports on the History Channel and Monster Quest .

IT'S TRUE:

- Chimps attack face and genitals. The reason? - to damage. HELL YAA!

- It's not uncommon for chimps to become attracted to humans. Nice. Except I ain't no chimp fag so hands off!

- The Russian military in WWII was working on impregnating humans with chimps. Their goal? to breed a chimp soldier to fight in the Russian army. If I was there, I'd be like, "Yo monkey, you want a banana? Them I'd lead him over to a banana and be like, 'you dumb ass!" and throw it into a lake or something.

- The big dummy Stalin didn't know that most apes have equal strength. Instead of getting chimpanzee semen (sperm), the Ruskies chose orangutan semen (sperm), unaware that the chimp is superior in intelligence (that's book smart to you and me).

- They showed some Bigfoot creature that was some Russian Bigfoot. - then they showed some hairy kid with a dog face. Looked just like the famous Mexican dog faced kid that I saw in some movie,

- Some Russian woman volunteered to be knocked up by an orangutan. They didn't show her face but I'm sure she was a dog or fat. She said she wanted to help science. She at least had to be fat.

- Some nerd science jerk said if they crossed human and ape, it might be a retard. That part kind of scared me because I never met a chimp in real life but my cousin lives next to a retard and they're strong as hell. It attacked my cousin one time and the only way my Uncle could get him off was with a hose (squirting him full force - with hot water) and then with a hammer (hammering). Plus, if the retarded chimp man came at me with chimp sounds and stuff? I'd probably be freaked out. Pretty creepy stuff.

- Some dude named Dr White put one monkey head on another monkey head. Guess what? It frickin' worked. Look it up. If I was him, I'd put a hot chick head on a monkey body or a monkey head on a hot woman body (and have a bag handy for the head).

OK. That's it Mr. Sherman.

Jack's Pizza in Exton - Excellent

It's very hard to find a decent slice of pizza in Chester County - until now. Gilly Norris presents his review,

"It was beautiful. I walked into Jack's Pizza at the Whiteland Towne Center and there it was - the perfect slice of vegetable pizza. Topped with roasted tomatoes, onions, peppers and olives - it was pure beauty."

"As the Spanish station played soccer on the tv and a 2 month old slept on the counter next to the industrial meat slicer, my pizza was warmed."

"I requested a Pepsi and proceeded to my car - walking at a faster than usual pace than usual. As I passed onlookers, I held the bag up to their faces and smiled and nodded in a creepy way. I got into my car. This is where I took this photo of the Exton slice. It's crunchy texture was pure heaven. I give it 10 That Blue Yak stars out of 10."

Good Pizza is indeed hard to find in Chester County when one yearns for the Jersey shore's Mack and Manco Pizza . Here are a few local standout pizza eateries in Chester County (Exton - West Chester area):

Jack's Pizza - (610) 280-9490 / 135 W Lincoln HwyExton, PA 19341 (Whiteland Towne Center). See review above.
Bravo Pizza - (610) 594-1599 / 123 E. Swedesford Road in Exton (in shopping center with Giant). They're not greedy with the slice - very large portions.
Las Vegas Pizza - (610) 692-4785 / 515 E Gay StWest Chester, PA 19380 . (Right there on good ole' Gay Street). The key to eating this pizza is to wait about 2 minutes after it comes out of the oven or it will slide off the crust like soup. Tip: Don't talk to the 17 year old Henderson High greasers that hang out there during the day - they're dangerous and carry switch blades.

Happy eating.

Learn more about West Chester Food at WCDish .

Crappy Toy Countdown #4 - Ball Buster

Ball Buster by Mego. This commercial almost leaves you speechless with such great moments:

- It's a "family game"
- "..and for adults, it's exciting..." (as the narrator lowers his voice)
- "You're a BAAWWWLLLL BUSTER!"
- "It's easy like checkers...but exacting like pool"

If my parents ever scooted my sister and me away so they could play this piece of crap game, I'd be on the phone calling the authorities.




OK, you need to watch it again and watch the frustration on the father's face and the eyebrow raising concentration on the mother's face.

Crappy Toy Countdown #3 - Plaid Pants

That Blue Yak tracked down the bitter Teddy "Curls" Redmond concerning the #3 Crappy Toy:

"Frickin' plaid pants! That's right - plaid fickin' pants! This is me in the slinky commercial. Do you think maybe I would have been given a slinky as a gift for Christmas? N0! I was given a crappy pair of polyester plaid pants similar to the one's I wore in my award winning Slinky commercial. Not the actual pants worn in the commercial - no, that would have been too perfect. Instead, I was given green and beige plaid slacks with an inferior zipper and ridiculous leg taper that made my ass look like a God Damn light bulb. Thanks for nothing Ridley Hill Orphanage and Work Camp! I'll see you in Hell!"



To hear an updated version of the slinky song, click here

Crappy Toy Countdown to X-mas #2 - Ice Bird

Few people know that when Kenner released Ice Bird, it was a direct result of a coin toss. The loser? - Mr Jingles the Meat Slicing Opossum. I must say that the song is extremely catchy in a Jim Jones type of way. Enjoy:



Learn where to buy an industrial snow cone maker by clicking the word: TASTY

Jimmy Osmond Horror Show

If ole' man Osmond had ordered the two unseen retarded Osmonds on this wuss' Jimmy I think we can all agree the world would be a better place. (WARNING: if you are anywhere close to suicide, please do not watch this video):



Read a very boring article about this puffy faced rascal by clicking the word: JIMMY

Gene Rayburn - the Nipple Guy

Here's a nice clip of Gene Rayburn accidentally slipping out the word nipple. For a neo Cro-magnum, my man is pretty darn smooth.



Expand your brain by learning about Gene's arch enemy Richard Dawson here: http://www.hogansheroesfanclub.com/castDawsonRichard.php

Crappy Toy Countdown to Christmas - Dark Shadows

That Blue Yak introduces it's "Crappy Toy Countdown to Christmas". The first "toy" on the list, the Dark Shadows Groovy Horror Heads. The anti climatic tone is set when the door opens and a pillow takes center state. We particularly love the line, "Like Dark Shadows on TV". A little tip for you Centsable Toys,the following things are NOT toys: stools, coasters, coffee tables and yes...pillows.



Speaking of pillows, check out this link to learn more about "Professional Pillow Fighting" http://www.gopfl.com/

Daily Local News Starts Tricky Advertising Campaign

I went into my Wawa this morning and as I reached for my USATODAY, I was stunned to see a piece of paper on top of the stack which read, "Ax Murderer Trial Begins in Chester County - read about it in today's Daily Local News".

Are you kidding me? Has the Daily Local sunk so low that it needs persuade readers with this trickery? And why is Wawa tolerating this?

What's next? - Let me just reach over and get myself a tasty Snickers - oh wait.... what's this sign over top of the Snickers bars? 'Snickers make you gay, enjoy a manly Zagnut'.

Wawa and Daily Local News - you've been put on notice. I do not want to see this again.

Johnnie Cochran Rises From Grave In Anger Over Eight Limbed Baby Surgery

Johnnie Cochran rose from the grave this morning as a direct result of the surgery of the eight limbed girl. Urged to take the case by numerous Octopus groups, Cochran's disgust over the surgery and "death" of the Octopus Princess was the final straw that made him rise from the dead.

Never at a loss for words, Cochran, with Octopus President Malbo by side, simply shook his head and said, "This is an extremely and utterly felonious situation."

Visit this link to see photos of the Octopus as depicted on Pulp covers: http://francesca.net/pulp.html

Leave It To the Japanese

Nothing helps one learn about crime in the US like watching Japanese girls repeat the key phrases in English while "dancing" to catchy tunes.

Phoenixville Pool Supplier Wins Hero Award

That Blue Yak would like to give this month's hero award to Phoenixville's Barto Pool and Spa for the courage to put a huge frickin' blue blowup gorilla outside of their business.

While neighboring businesses cowardly choose to announce sales with boring signs and banners, the fine folk at Barto use a big assed ape. Are they afraid that some customers might be afraid of the ape and not enter inside to see the potential discounts on pool and spa supplies? I do not know.

I'm sure there was concern that some potential customers might worry that there are more apes inside and their lives would be in danger if they entered. I'm sure the decision to inflate the "monster sale" ape was debated for months by the employees. ...we will never know. We also don't know if the Main Street business is getting pressure to remove the ape. We hope not - because as we all know, if you can't advertise spa and pool supplies with a big ole' balloon ape, the terrorists have won.

West Whiteland Tomato Thief Confession

The following is a confession by West Whiteland Tomato Thief: Denny Throckmorton:

Yes. I admit it. I walked to the back of my property in my West Whiteland home and saw something that I couldn't ignore. In the area by my fence, where I keep my skull collection, I found a tasty treat - tomato escapees as seen in this picture. I have no guilt. I will be chopping off the the sweet fruit and make a tasty salad. I will then march up to my vegetable journal and note that I need one less Burpee seed packet next season. After that, I will kick the door open in my basement and tell my imaginary wife of my accomplishment. She will be proud. We will proceed to the Exton Michael's store and make very sensible purchases of 3 oz votives - (totally unrelated to the tomato story above -but..that's how she is) . We will then retire for the night.

Bishop Shanahan Goes Green With Yearbook Deletions

It looks as though Downingtown's Bishop Shanahan High School will be going green in a very unique way. According to faculty, the PA Catholic school will be doing it's part to help with the environmental problems by cutting back on the unnecessary practice of publishing yearbook photos of both individual pairs of twins. An unnamed teacher put it this way,

"We all know that twins are pretty much the same person. It makes no sense that we have to see Ted Norris AND Billy Norris. It's redundant. We have not calculated the amount of ink and paper that will be saved, but I'm sure it will add up."

The school is first in the Philadelphia Archdiocese to participate in this test program. The hope, according to church officials is to make such a great impact on the environment, that the possibility of An Inconvenient Truth PART 2, will be ruled out.

Early Sam The Butcher Work

How many times has a complete stranger approached you and asked you about Sam the Butcher and his pre-Brady Bunch work? And you feel like a fool because you don't have an answer don't you? Until now.

I don't know what he did to Sherwood Schwartz to get the Brady Bunch gig but the acting in this Liquid Plumber commercial is downright awful:



Check out the Brady Bunch Shrine here .

Lancaster's Long Park Art & Craft Festival Review

That Blue Yak's Milford Dean Darlak attended the 29th Annual Long's Park Art & Craft Festival in Lancaster - and boy did he have a good time.

It was great. It was an arts and crafts show but not only didn't I see a single clown as I usually see at festivals, there wasn't a single craft booth selling Popsicle stick yarn art. And sand art? Nowhere to be found. It was the perfect weather in Lancaster Sunday and there were many classy people there. Here are some pictures I took:

This was an Amish gal that I almost hit on the way there. "Hold on there Kinzer Kate. You don't want your bike smashed and I don't won't front bumper damage. So take your time. The pies will still be there when you arrive. Safety first."

Holy cow - a huge dog sculpture with a cut out bone in the middle. Hmmm...perfect for snooping.

When in doubt and feeling like an art rube, go with it with such comments as, "Those eyes in that painting are not even the same size" or "$1200? Are you crazy? I've seen paintings like this at Walmart for $19.99 and they even come with a frame."

Now you're talking. I was all set to enjoy a 100% Angus beef hot dog from Tri-County Barbecue Catering but when I got up to the counter, I noticed it was a foot long. I was too embarrassed to order it because people might have thought I was a gay so I settled for the hamburger. It was pretty tasty.

While doing research for this article I came across an interesting link about the amish and their nicknames. Check it out by clicking the word link: link

Coulhoun Presents West Chester's Mr. Classy With Elvis Reese's Cup

Dear Nana Zibbs,

Not two hours after the Entemann's/Hostess posting I entered the Boot Road Wawa and who do I see? That's right - Calhoun. And do you know what that Delaware County bred hillbilly did? He reached into his overalls and opened his wallet and bought me one of the new Reece's Elvis Peanut Butter and Banana Cream Cups and let me tell you they were downright delightful.

The banana cream resides below the peanut butter and nicely compliments the chocolate. Calhoun's favorite things are Elvis, food and boobs. If Hershey's (producer of Reese's) would just mold the the Elvis peanut butter cups into the shape of boobies I think Calhoun would give these morels and A plus!

Click on the following to read more about this new candy treat:

Slashfood

Junkfood Blog

Candyblog

Ask Nana Zibbs

Dear Nana Zibbs, I was just eating a delicious Entenmann's Cheese Danish I purchased at Wawa. As I was at the stoplight and enjoying it's light fluffy goodness, my friend - let's call him Calhoun - saw me eating it and made fun of me by doing the "international eating symbol" (holding hand up to mouth and munching at the air).

As a back round, I was recently on a trip with him to Nashville where he wolfed down at least 12 hostess cakes in a three day period. As I'm a very classy man, I never mentioned his awful eating habits. I've sent photographs of the actual wrappers for your reference.

How should I handle this delicate situation?

Signed,

Mr. Classy, (West Chester, PA)

Dear Mr Classy, Firstly, your friend Calhoun is a big dummy. The hostess product he chose is a big ole' sugary cake that I can't even find on their website. Even Hostess is embarrassed of this product. I am familiar with this product however and it's awful! He clearly chose it by size, not taste. Your friend Calhoun is the type when asked "Would you like lobster for dinner or coco puffs?" - His answer would be, "Whichever has the larger portion please."

I've studied the photos you've thoughtfully enclosed and found something very revealing with package. The first thing is the lack of frosting on the inner package. The Nashville heat combined with the poor quality of this cake make it virtually impossible that no residue remain on the package. Calhoun was obviously licking the wrapper like a dog to get every sugary crumb. The second issue here are the tears I see right above the letter "t" in the word Hostess. My man eats, then he cries. Very sad indeed.

Calhoun obviously is a ticking time bomb and when he blows, it's going to be a mess and anyone within 50 feet with him will be covered in food. My advice to you is to find some friends with better eating habits.

Is Gang Violence Coming to West Chester University?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Two Tall People And One Fake - You Be The Judge

Below are several tall people. One is a hoax. The others are real. Study the pictures carefully and pick the hoax. (for entertainment purposes only - please, not betting)

A) "Hi, I'm Sandy. I'm tall. This is my friend Sid. He sells carpeting and is handing me an empty box that's been gussied up to look like a present. I wish it actually concealed treats. I'm tall."

B) "My name is Bao Xishun. I the tall one.This little rascal I think is a boy, a man or a monkey man. He be put next to me to make me look taller but it do not matter because I am tall for real. Please choose 'B' to keep my family out of danger."

C) "I'm the real tall one. Look, I'm walking next to a regular sized person."

The correct answer is C.

To read advice about how to grow tall by a few uninformed dummies on Yahoo Answers, click here.

Hey Everyone, Look At Those Nuns

Observation by THAT BLUE YAK'S BENJAMIN R. POLISKI

I was eating breakfast at the Happy Days Diner in Frazer and two nuns walked in. And do you know what? I started laughing. I guess it's like seeing your 2ND grade teacher at the mall or a dude in a Speedo when you're not in Canada - it just seems out of place.

But God Bless the little rascals. I decided to let them eat instead of the old days. I would have stared them down for a while. Then I'd walk over and sit down in their booth and not say anything for a few minutes. Then I'd start eating their food or say something like, "We don't take kindly to your type in these parts".

I guess I'm mature now.

Learn more about becoming a nun here

Phoenixville Blues Festival Still a Go Despite 167 Degree Forecast

It's still a go in Phoenixville despite a weather forecast of 167 degrees. The home of the blob is asking all music loving residents to leave the comfort of their air conditioned homes and pools and join them in downtown Phoenixville today.

We're asking that all people that like to complain about the the heat stay home. They will not be tolerated.

Pennsylvania troopers will be on hand in full force to beat, arrest and jail buzz killing festival complainers. So please, come on out and enjoy the great blues but respectfully keep your pie hole shut about the God awful, untolerable heat.


What: New Century Bank Blues Festival


When: August 25, 2007/ 1:00 to approx. 7:00


Where: Bridge Street and Main Street in Phoenixville, PA


What to bring:
- Ice
- water
- reserve cooler with ice and water
- directions to places that sell ice and water
- phone numbers of friends that can bring you water in case the stores that sell ice and water are sold out.
- cute parasol that subtly complements your outfit.

Enjoy.

Presidential Coins Contest - We Need Your Help

The following are the results of a USA Today report concerning the new presidential coins:

- 26% of Americans have seen a new presidential coin.

- 73% have not seen one.

- 1% "have no opinion".

If the presidential coin series gains popularity, the Federal Reserve has estimated that $500 million a year would be saved. We're calling on America to help with the popularity of this very important coin collection by suggesting alternate images for the coins. This is how it will go down:

1) THAT BLUE YAK will start the list and we will accept all suggestions from you - the little people. Please add suggestions in comments area below.

2) Please suggest an image for the "face" side of the coin and for the unimportant B side.

3) Once we've gathered all of the suggestions from the little people, we will randomly discard all but two of the choices and add them to our stellar list.

4) We will type the choices onto a nice stock paper.

5) We will try to get an artist to draw a few of these potential coins for free.

6) We will then send the list and the drawings to Washington D.C. asking for the images to be considered.

Here are some of suggestions from THAT BLUE YAK:

WILLIAM TAFT

Face side: A close up of William Howard Taft stuffing his face with a Burger Kink Quad Stacker.

B side: Tips on how to eat sensibly.

JAMES BUCHANAN

Face side: James Buchanan holding pinkie up to the corner of his mouth. Paul Lynde is seen in the background giving the international "ssshhhh" symbol.

B side: Fashion tips.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Face side: Abraham Lincoln, portrayed at his true size of 23 feet 9 inches tall about to crush a cowering Robert E. Lee at the battle of Fredericksburg.

B side: Beard maintenance tips using only a dull razor and twig.

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Face side: George Washington holding his wooden teeth up to the face of a child and saying, "Got your nose!"

B side: Top reasons King George was a dick.

FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT

Face side: Franklin Roosevelt giving Adolph Hitler the Mandibular Nerve Pinch. (Tears can be seen in the eyes of Hitler).

B side: Friendly reminders of the "leave a penny, take a penny" rule.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT

Face side: Teddy Roosevelt holding his ray gun with foot placed upon his most prized hunting trophy -the mighty unicorn of the Belgian Congo.

B side: Mighty Unicorn of the Belgian Congo skinning tips and recipes.

Good luck.

S'more Invention Is Sure To Change The World

The following conversation was transcribed in the THAT BLUE YAK lounge today as part time electrician Edwin the Earl Kennedy bore assed everyone on his new invention

Man have I got an invention for you. Let's just say that after the last post about the marshmallows and the Copeland School Road fire, I got a hankering' for some s'mores. The ingredients were purchased, the fire was made and the s'more's were a flyin'.

Without giving the details away, one of the youngsters put a piece of chocolate in between two marshmallows before toasting it. That's when it hit me - MY GREAT IDEA. I'm afraid you're going to have to wait to hear the sweet details. If I give the details away, I'm sure some a-hole will steal it and be on his way. Once I've developed the prototype and secured a primary and secondary Chinese factory I MAY reveal the details. If I were you, I'd create a tickler file to remind yourself because believe me..it's so worth the wait. As a matter of fact, all of my robot making plans have been put temporarily on hold.

Let's just say that the relatives of Eli Whitney will soon be forgotten.

That is all.

Mr Kennedy then proceeded to reheat his hot pocket in the microwave and marched confidently out of the lounge.

Huge Fire Rages on Boot Road - Area Supermarkets Issue Statement

As a fire raged at the corner of Boot Road and Copeland School Road this afternoon, the Chester County Supermarket alliance issued the following statement: WE ARE OUT OF MARSH MELLOWS!

Robert Norris, Exton Acme Manager announced the following to crowds outside of the Whiteland Town Center in Exton via bullhorn,

"Listen people, there are no more marsh mellows. We have a few boxes of peeps and we will be auctioning them off at around 2:30. We will be accepting cash only"

The fire raged at 1:00 Friday in West Whiteland. That Blue Yak receptionist Betsy Griffin captured these amazing photos after picking up the last bag of marsh mellows at Wegmans in Downingtown and "popping home quickly to make sure her iron was turned off."

Elvis Smelvis - Look At This Sign That Vernon Made

Yes, it's been 30 years since the death of Elvis, but how many years since father Vernon Presley made this crappy sign? On a recent trip to Graceland we took a picture of this simple sign.

The sign hangs on the garage/shed-like "office" that sits in the backyard of Graceland. What or who inspired Vernon to make this sign? The tone, red letters and capital letters indicate his rage. But the pencil marks that were put in place to keep the letters straight show his patience. The unerased guidelines though indicate sloppiness.

Many questions remain. Why didn't he plan the letters more carefully so they wouldn't be all squished in at the end of the line as seen on the words EMPLOYEES and BUSINESS? How did this dummy make no spelling errors?

Who were the non employee loafers? Were they wondering hillbillies? Delivery men? And how many versions did Vern Presley make of the sign before crumpling it up and starting anew?

Was Vernon Presley tired of sitting at his metal desk and lining up pencils so he was looking for a more important task? We may never know - unless we dig up his body - located about 30 yards away and ask the man . But he would not answer. Because he is dead.

The Pick Up Artist - Now Here is Some Good TV

A review by That Blue Yak TV editor Billy Melons.

Let me first start by saying that I'm not a fan of reality TV. It's fake and the characters are annoying. The Pick Up Artist on the other hand can be described in one word: Nerdarifick!

Eight lonely nerds are taught how to "pick up chicks" by master pickup artists. The first episode featured the nerds trying to pick up a lady at a nightclub.

If this is what you call a train wreck then take me to the station because nothing is as refreshing as hearing the following dialog from the 45 year old nerd trying to talk to a 25 year old hottie at a club:

Old Nerd: Any Cajuns here?

Hottie: I am. I'm from New Orleans!

Old Nerd: How did your family do in Katrina?

Hottie: Two died.

Way to go Poindexter!

The pickup artists, namely, "Mystery", "Matador"and "JDog" then go into the club and show em' how it's done. Personally, I think most chicks would be creeped out by JDog but his English accent softened the weird look for the ladies I guess. (I ain't no queer so how would I know?)

Trust me, this is a must see. Tune in tonight VH1 (Monday, Aug 13) at 9:00 Eastern time. You will not be disappointed.

Check out the official site on VH1 by clicking the following word: GEEK

Creepy Mom Catches Son Playing With Himself

West Chester, Pa

Busted! Enjoy the following disturbing video as reviewed by cafeteria workers of Chester County's 3rd most influential business - That Blue Yak:




"That robot mom was trained real good,"

- Benny Lewis Crane (mopper)

"I'm concerned that the video shows a sticker of Mickey Mouse on the wall. It's all coming together now."
- John B Lawrence (corn guy)

"WAIT A MINUTE! This video's been edited. What happened to the part where he pulls the knife out and slits his throat?"
- Mary Ann Cornish (Supervisor)

New Zoo Review Outtake Is Pure Fun

Please enjoy the following outtake from the New Zoo Review. If my math is correct, classic cheezeball TV plus gay references equals pure fun. Enjoy

Cruise Ship Bumps NYC Dock; Ship Doctor Suffers Bruised Ego

A cruise ship bumped a pier at the Manhattan passenger terminal on Thursday. No physical injuries were reported, however ship Doctor Adam "Doc" Bricker suffered a bruised ego. Cruise Director Julie McCoy explains,

"Apparently, Doc was just about to 'seal the deal' if you know what I mean with Jaye P. Morgan when John Aston and Raymond Burr come strolling by. Raymond mentions to John in clear earshot of Jaye P. the size of Dick Van Patten's package. Well let me tell you, Jaye P. hears that and she was out of there. Doc just stood there looking like a dope.......Oh yeah, then we bumped the Hudson River Pier."