Damone From Fast Times At Ridgemont High - Classy Tips.

So everyone chimed in about The Outsiders on my last post. Now you want to talk about a real movie from back in the day, check out (again) - Fast Times at Ridgmont High.

In this clip, Damone gives his five point plan on how to treat women.

1) Never let on how much you like a girl.
2) Always call the shots.
3) Act like wherever you are, it's the place to be.

Can you name his steps four and five? Smooth.

Dear Dr Zibbs - Advice For My Readers

So a few days ago I told readers I would use my brain to help them with their problems. And can I just tell you that I was overwhelmed by the response? Carl in the mailroom could barely keep up. So I'll do a few posts over the next several days and answer some of the inquiries. Here we go.

Dear Dr Zibbs,
If I were to marry a US citizen purely based on green card purposes, do you think I should marry a straight or gay man? old? young? fat? dwarf? handicapped?
What pros and cons do you think it could bring me. Should I pay to marry them or they pay to marry me?...such a dilemma as you can clearly understand.

Thank you very much dear dr.zibbs

The tambourine queen

enclosed is a picture taken today by me of a very famous Thai models cleavage.
NO, it is not me...I only wish I could have her milk buckets. It is Thailands nicest pair of breasts

Tambourine Queen,

Sometimes I like to find the answers within the questions, which is why I printed your email out, ripped it up and flung the pieces across my parlour. The following is what randomly landed in front of me: "old fat handicapped dwarf." Don't be fooled though. Although the dwarf head is three times the size of a human head, their brains are often the size of a peas. I'm not saying they're not smart, I just wanted to point out that their brains were the size of peas.

As for the payment, a few pairs of nicely made Italian leather shoes should cover things. Just make sure that the tips are curled and that there are clearly defined ridges that make up stripes on the shoes because the first thing a dwarf does when he gets new shoes is paint them bright red or green. And the ridges just make the painting go a bit easier. Come to think of it, get the shoes at Payless. They're going to be destroyed anyway.

Dear Dr Zibbs,
Geno's or Pat's steaks. Wit or Wit-out? Sharp or mild?

Philly #1

Philly #1,
You are of course referring to the famous cheese steak houses of Philadelphia. And my answer is, I alternate between Pat's and Geno's and I always get onions wit (with cheese wiz). For some reason, these are the only two places I get cheese whiz on my steaks. I guess I'm a traditionalist. As for my sitting area, I like to lean up against the concrete wall right next to Geno's.

Dear Dr. Zibbs,
I am in the market for a new plunger. I literally go through about two of these a week. I suffer from a rare digestive disorder that necessitates using one 10-12 times a day on average. I'm wondering if you can make any recommendations. Is there a brand-name you prefer? What should I be looking for. I really want the next one I buy to be the last. The people at the hardware store are starting to look at me funny.

Sincerely,
Clogged in Cleveland (Some Guy)

ps: To expedite your response I have included a picture of my girlfriend per your request. She is a fox if I do say so myself!

Dear Clogged In Cleveland,
The ageless toilet plunger question. Times may change but our basic problems don't. Do they? The problem my friend is not the plunger. It's not even your crappy diet. Take a good, hard look in the mirror at yourself. Keep looking. You found the answer haven't you? Yup. It's your grip on the handle. Use the "western grip" which uses the strength of your thumb on the handle which naturally pivots the plunger with the force of gravity as you plunge. And if you really practice, you can do it one handed - which is nice. It frees up the other hand for eating a sandwich, tapping on the window sill or flicking things.

And the picture you enclosed? That was Phoebe Cates. Nice try.

"Dear Dr Zibbs" - My Way Of Giving Something Back

So the blogger Legal Mist suggested in a post the other day that I start a column called "Ask Dr Zibbs." You know - where I give advice. Well, it's official. I'm doing it. I hereby announce that I'm going to use my brain and knowledge to help the commoner. The little people. The peasants. You.

So here's how it's gonna go down. Except for math, I'm kind of an expert on most subjects so here's what to do:

- Email me your question. Email to Lebner1@yahoo.com
- In the subject line, include: Ask Dr Zibbs
- Ask me up to 3 questions (per email). There is NO CHARGE TO YOU.

- Ask me anything. I will do my best to help you with the problems that you're too cheap to have a professional help you with.
- Leave your name and a link to your blog within the email. This is important.

- You have until this Thursday, November 13, 2008 (at the stroke of midnight) to send your questions. If everything goes smoothly, I may do another round. Using a sliding pay scale.

All kidding aside, genuine compliments and sexy pictures of yourself (or your wife or girlfriend if you're a dude) will move your question to the top of the pile. There will be a lot of questions so I can't promise that I will answer them all. I'm predicting that there will be lives that are changed and dreams realized.

Ask Nana Zibbs

Dear Nana Zibbs, I was just eating a delicious Entenmann's Cheese Danish I purchased at Wawa. As I was at the stoplight and enjoying it's light fluffy goodness, my friend - let's call him Calhoun - saw me eating it and made fun of me by doing the "international eating symbol" (holding hand up to mouth and munching at the air).

As a back round, I was recently on a trip with him to Nashville where he wolfed down at least 12 hostess cakes in a three day period. As I'm a very classy man, I never mentioned his awful eating habits. I've sent photographs of the actual wrappers for your reference.

How should I handle this delicate situation?

Signed,

Mr. Classy, (West Chester, PA)

Dear Mr Classy, Firstly, your friend Calhoun is a big dummy. The hostess product he chose is a big ole' sugary cake that I can't even find on their website. Even Hostess is embarrassed of this product. I am familiar with this product however and it's awful! He clearly chose it by size, not taste. Your friend Calhoun is the type when asked "Would you like lobster for dinner or coco puffs?" - His answer would be, "Whichever has the larger portion please."

I've studied the photos you've thoughtfully enclosed and found something very revealing with package. The first thing is the lack of frosting on the inner package. The Nashville heat combined with the poor quality of this cake make it virtually impossible that no residue remain on the package. Calhoun was obviously licking the wrapper like a dog to get every sugary crumb. The second issue here are the tears I see right above the letter "t" in the word Hostess. My man eats, then he cries. Very sad indeed.

Calhoun obviously is a ticking time bomb and when he blows, it's going to be a mess and anyone within 50 feet with him will be covered in food. My advice to you is to find some friends with better eating habits.