Gloria Huddle Considered For Talent Show Lead. Operator.

[A mid sized insurance company is planning a talent show. They'll be competing against another division at their company picnic. They're giving themselves months to rehearse since they've never won]

Bill: OK so we have all of the parts but we still need someone that can really sing. We need a star.

Tammy: There's nobody else. Why don't we just cancel?

Mike: We CAN'T cancel! I know...What about Gloria?

Bill: Gloria? She barely says a word!

Tammy: NO! Mike is right! Didn't she used to be a singer? I heard she was on TV years ago.

Mike: Yeah. Google her name. Or look on Youtube. Lets see if she's good.

And then they crowded around a computer and saw this.......

Thank God I Didn't Go On "Dancin' On Air." Kelly Ripa. Philly.

Freshman year of college I was dating this chick Ellen and she had a bunch of annoying friends that she lived with in the all girl's dorm. (Who the hell lives in the all girl's dorm?)

Anyways, a bunch of them were going to go to Philly to be on the TV show "Dancin' on Air"*. And I ALMOST went. I forget why I didn't go but THANK GOD! If me dancing on a cheesy ass TV show from the 80's ended up on Youtube I would probably have to kill myself. With my tight jeans and big ass hair...Could you imagine??

But of course my life would have been different because I probably would have met and married Kelly Ripa (see picture above).

And speaking of things that I almost did (cringe category) but didn't  - here's another one... I was in 11th grade and my sister's boyfriend and her were going to a party. Or maybe it was at a bar. I forget. Anyways, I was a huge Doors fan (now I can't even listen to them) and he said, "I can talk to the band and see if you can sing a Doors song if you want"

I was like, "Yeah OK!"

So we go to the party and the plan was that I was going to sing Roadhouse Blues. Well turns out they "couldn't fit me in" or "there's no way in hell we want some kid we don't even know singing a song". But either way thank God because it would have been a disaster! I've never sung with a band, I'm a terrible singer and I'm sure 10 seconds into it people would have been looking at me like, "What the hell is this train wreck?" And I would have turned into a deer in headlights. I really think I would have stopped halfway through and  just walked off the stage.

Phew!! That was a close one!

Oh and here's Kelly Ripa now. I wonder what our kids would have looked like? But if we did end up together I'd have to tell her to tone it down a bit because she's way too chatty.

*They were going because "Michael" knew someone that could get everyone on. Michael was this flaming gay dude that wasn't out of the closet yet. And he was a complete a-hole. His only friends were a bunch of the girls from  the girl's dorm and he was a gossipy little shit. And all of the girls would say, "I can't believe Michael doesn't have a girlfriend. He's so great!" Uh...yeah I know why. He likes dudes.

Here Are Some Random Notes From A Chorus Concert Last Night. Middle School.

Here are various notes from the 8th grade chorus concert I had to attend last night. My daughter is in the chorus:

- I sat in the back so I was able to spend my time watching people. Like a bird. On it’s perch. Watching. I’ve discovered if I’m bored to tears but able to watch people I can make things bearable.

- When all the kids walked to the stage I saw my daughter’s friend. She’s pretty funny. I gave her the nonverbal look like a was surprised. Like, “What? What are you doing here? This is preposterous!” She tilted her head sideways, nodded and winked and gave me the “gun shoot” pointed finger. Cracked me up.

- The kid I saw last year with the magnificent jew-fro was singing again. He’s so big. He looks like he could play college football and then he tops off his huge frame with this big ass fro. And to make it better, there was a teensy tiny kid standing in front of him with what looked liked a glued on fake hairpiece. The juxtaposition was glorious. (Look at me using big words).

- The chorus director dude was totally overdoing it with his hand conducting moves. Couldn’t tell if he really thought what he was doing was helping the kids to sing or if he was showboating.

- Some Indian lady sat next to me and reeked of perfume. Is that really necessary? I swear I could taste it.

- I cracked myself up by imagining that right as they were finishing singing the Beatles song, “Here Comes The Sun” if I had a speaker rigged up then from off stage in a super baritone voice I sung, “HERE COMES THE SUN….YEAHHH!” And everyone would be looking around like, “What the hell?” Some parents would have shocked looks on their faces and shaking their heads and saying, “Who would DO that? They ruined it! The whole thing is ruined now! We even brought Nana here. And she's SICK!”

Then the rest of the concert I was thinking of things that I could at the end of every song to ruin it. Like I'd come swinging in from the side and sing the last line. Or pull off a fake rubber mask like I was one of the kids after a song ended. Then run away.

Janitors would be instructed to catch me. They'd fail.

Would be a big ole' scandal. Probably one of those stories that gets passed down to new kids every year. Oh and the cover up? Don't even start.

Man. I should have done it.

Toni Marie Terrano, Michelle Sutlovich, Fame and Stairway to Stardom.

I mentioned in the comments the other day about how I used to run in front of the TV when my sister was watching it and start dancing to the theme of the show Fame. Just to be annoying. "Get out of the way! I'm watching this"...as I flailed arms and legs.

So Gage says, "was it like this?"..and leaves a clip to one of the best videos I've ever seen. It's a chick dancing to the theme of Fame. Here it is:



Do you believe that???

It's from a show called Stairway To Stardom. I've never even heard of that show! We had a similar show in the Philly area called the Al Alberts show but instead of untalented adults singing and dancing it was only kids. I'm such a fan of no talents singing and dancing with terrible production. It looks like she's performing in front of an elevator.

Here's another one from that show. It's a little lady named Toni Marie Terrano. Make sure to look for the under the leg clap at 1:43. And how old do you think she is? It's very hard to tell.



And if you want to see an artist rendering of Toni Marie Terrano click here. Move over Mona Lisa.

Russian Dude Singing LaLaLa La La. Treat For The Ears AND Eyes.

You've probably seen this unbelievable video of Mr Edward Hill Caramelldansen singing but I had to get it up on THAT BLUE YAK.

You really have to watch the whole video to get some of the special treats this Russian singer has in store for you. I think he's Russian at least.

I'm not sure if I like the song or his facial expression more. All I know, I'll be imitating* him all day.



*And speaking of imitations, If you want to see Some Guy imitating this video, click here. The most important thing missing in your imitation my friend, is the super smile and gleeful facial expression. Please redo the entire thing after a few weeks of practice and do not be afraid to use the mirror.

Doesn't Everyone Get Busted By Someone When They're Secretly Miming? Fool.

I got totally busted by my wife yesterday.

You know this post that I put up the other week with David Armand doing mime to the song Torn?

Well I was cooking and the song came on. So of course I started to act out the video. Then the next song on the radio was Billy Joel's "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me". So I started acting it out in the same mime style. Trying to see if I could mime the lyrics.

Well, I thought my wife was in the other room when all of a sudden she appears. I of course stop mid-mime and have a look of horror on my face. It's something I would have done in front of her but just to get busted like that...

My wife started laughing her ass off and can barely get out the words, "What...hahaha...What...hahaha...hahaha...are...hahahaa...you doing"???

Busted! I never get embarrassed in front of my wife but it was a combo of embarrassment and shock that she was standing there.

What a fool.

One of My Favorite Movie Scenes. Airplane. Murman.

One of my terrible impressions from back in the day was Ethel Murman*. Well, it wasn't that bad but.. If the impression was not great I'd say it was "in the works" - as if I was practicing it at home for hours in a mirror to get it right. Slowly I would make a breakthrough and look in the mirror with the smile that said, "Nailed it!".

So I was just on the old Youtube and found one of my favorite clips from Airplane. This always makes me laugh out loud.



*And how did anyone ever think she was a good singer? She's sounds like someone's Aunt just belting out some songs after a few Rob Roys.

Weird Dream About A Production of the Wizard of Oz. Dancing.

I had this really weird dream last night. There was this enormous outdoor stadium and they were holding auditions for the Wizard of Oz.

Since I used to do a goofy imitation of the Scarecrow back in the day I decided to try out for the part. I knew I could get the dancing down pat. Then I realized that I'm not the best singer. I'd have to work on that part. And it also hit me that instead of doing the goofy ass version of the Scarecrow I'd have to do a serious version.

And what about the costumes? What if my costume looked like the one above? And the whole production is second rate and cheesy? Even though for such a huge venue it couldn't be THAT bad. Right? Right?

It was too late to back out and I was getting all nervous that I was gonna look like an ass and there would me thousands of people watching me do "theater". And we all know how gay THAT can be.

So the rest of my dream was me practicing singing and dancing to, "If I only had a brain."

Pretty weird huh?

Jackie Rogers Jr Will Get You Every Time. SCTV.

Before there was Austin Powers there was The Incomparable Jackie Rogers Junior from SCTV. Here's a video that someone put together with his great performances.

Were any of you fans? Hmmm?

Seriously. You need to sit through this. Or fast forward to the 7 minute part.

Somebody To Love. I Need A Karaoke Song. Queen.

Just like a boy scout, you need to be prepared. And I'm not prepared...if I walk into a bar sometime and karaoke is happening and people are like, "Come on Zibbs! You need to get up there and do a song!"

I'm really unprepared. I've only done Karaoke in public twice. The first time was in Media PA after being out for a friend's birthday. We had come back from Philly in a limo (classy) and everyone was pretty fired up. A group of us did The Weight - by The Band.

It was one of the worst things you ever heard. They were so throwing me off. Terrible.

The second time was in China. Karaoke is HUGE in China. So we were out with some factory reps and interpreters and they took us to this karaoke place. It was a freestanding building just dedicated to Karaoke. We had our own room. I forget what song I did but it was a Motown song. They clapped like crazy but it was not a great performance.

So here's a song that I might need to practice - Queen's, "Somebody to Love" as performed my George Michael. You know..so I'm prepared and all.

What Does Make A Good Party? Oh I'll Tell You.

Here's a video that will help you to plan a swell party.

And note some of the things to listen for:

- Steve wants to have a good time.
- Make sure there are campus big wigs there.
- Don't forget the weed.
- If you don't have pencil and paper there for activities...you're a dick.
- You can't go wrong with silly hats.
- Jimmy Crack Corn sung in a deep voice is ALWAYS a winner!
- Golden showers NEVER are appropriate for parties. Use your head! Think hygiene.

Gilligans Island, Honeybees and Peter Brady Dancing Match.

So I'm taking a little break from working in the yard. And when I look out on my deck I see the carpenter bees I'll be killing later with my electric tennis racket (see actual image on my header above).

Then it got me thinking about when the gals on Gilligan's Island did their Honeybees routine.

I forgot just how bad Mrs Howell was. Once you finish watching the hotties, play it again and note how Lovey is terrible every second of the song. And I thought Peter Brady couldn't dance. Jesus Christ! What a fool. And when she says the word "ring" I want to rush the stage and tackle her snobby ass!

And Mary Ann here reminds me a bit of my wife when my wife had longer hair.

Singing The Go-Go's "We Got The Beat" In Wawa. Busted.

I'm not making this up. I was in a Wawa in Chaddsford PA yesterday and while I was taking a leak, the Go-Go's song "We Got The Beat" was on. So I was mouthing the song in an intentionally annoying way that I would do to a friend if he were there. As you know, I do this to amuse myself.

And I was thinking that it would be funny if I got caught doing this and it would be a good blog post. See. I'm thinking about you people during the day.

Well the music was so loud in the bathroom that I didn't even notice that in a split second some dude was standing next to me at the other urinal.

I washed my hands with my head down and got the hell out of there.

So on that note, "We've Got The Beat" is actually a pretty good running song. And I need to get my black underweared ass back running. So I dedicate The Friday Send Off Song to a long distance and long time reader Michelle. Check out her blog damn it!



203 Followers strong. But sadly, yesterday there were 204. Hopefully that person died and it wasn't a choice to stop following me.

Catholic Church Confirmation And Random Thoughts From Chester County.

So I was in church last night in Chester County for my daughter's confirmation here in Chester County. I was a bit late and it was so packed that I had to stand at the back of the church. Note that I never go to church anymore but went every week of my life when I was forced to.

- When I arrived the video guy turned the camera toward me. It could have been my natural charisma and the light that was beaming on me as I stood framed in the doorway or that he thought Jesus finally returned. Or maybe he was focused on the holy water that was boiling next to me.

- I forgot how many MILFs go to church. And many straight from work and in their business suits. One of my favorite looks.

- Some lady was standing right behind me and singing way, way too loud. Totally trying to get attention. So to get back at her, I kept shifting my body so she couldn't see.

- The composer that turns prayers into songs should be fired. After a good old fashioned stoning.

- I was in a punch drunk mood and was trying not to laugh at several things including a 12 year old kid that walked down the aisle wearing his Dad's over sized shirt that was untucked and down to his knees. And at a little kid that was brought outside and he was making farting noises.

- One of the kids, as a confirmation sponsor had a nun. Show off.

- After the ceremony people flocked around the bishop. One lady went up and kissed him on the cheek. Are you kidding me?

- I pondered for at least 20 minutes how easily America let the Catholic Church off the hook for child abuse and pedophilia. Shouldn't more people have gone to jail?

What are your random thoughts about the Catholic Church?

Brady Bunch Time To Change. That Means Hair In Different Places. Puberty That Is.

So continuing on my nighttime Brady Bunch singing marathon this week, I give you, "When It's Time To Change". Seriously, you must rearrange who you are. And also - the things you want to be.

And I'll tell you what I want to rearrange, Alice's face after she does that, "You go get em Tiger" fist move and expression at 38 seconds in. I swear I'm gonna bust her lip open...after I have a make out session with Marsha....(looking firmly at Mr Brady), "MIKE STAY OUT OF THIS!"

I've Got Two Eyes And They're Both The Same Size

Remember Bob and Susan singing this classic, "I've Got Two" from Sesame Street? Here are two things that I will note:

1) Look at Susan's fancy footwork at 2:22. Groove it!

2) Since they're singing about having two feet, two hands, two eyes (that are both the same size), if I worked on the set, I would have hired a pirate to come on screen with a peg leg, a hook arm and an eye patch and say something like, "Yar. Do ya gotta rub it in?"

I'd do it just to keep Bob in his place.

Al Alberts Gettin' Down With Some 80's Chicks

Have you been Jonesin' for some Philly style Al Alberts Showcase? Well calm down Holmes. I'm not gonna set you up with the crappy frilly dress wearing kids B.S. No. Here you will find my man Al Alberts singing with some circa 1980 Double Mint Gum style twins. I think he was a shoe in with them until he mentioned Stella. I guess that's just his nature.

I must say, despite the crappy audio and lighting my man had to endure - it's not THAT bad. Pure Philly classic. Al Alberts is the man.

WARNING: Unless you want to get your ass kicked, NEVER mention the name Al Alberts in hearing distance of Captain Noah. Trust me. You will be crushed.

Enjoy.

Should I Throw Up On My TV Before Or After Kicking It?

"Overmyer dead body!" Those would be my words if American Idol contestant Amanda Overmyer were my daughter and she attempted to leave the house. Is this chick trying to be Leather Tuscadero? And the shocker - she's only 23! And her singing. Come on now! I would rather have Randy Jackson follow me around for a year asking me "What's up dog?" than hear this chick one more night. I'm calling on everyone to pray to Jesus together so we can harness his magical powers and have Amanda OFF.