This Dude Named Dale At Work. Twizzler Ritual. Tastykake Pie Packaging.

A letter to this dude at work and his Twizzler eating ritual. His name is - get this - DALE.

Dale,

On behalf of everyone your Twizzler eating ritual has to stop. It's bad enough that you walk around with a coffee stirrer hanging out of your mouth trying to look like a badass but the Twizzler thing must stop.And by the way stop walking around with your chest out like you're a muscle guy. You're a fat guy. And on that note do you know that your protruding belly button can be seen through TWO shirts?? TWO!! Like a pregnant lady!

OK back to the Twizzlers. Here's what you do. You get one Twizzler then you dangle it in your mouth for about a minute. Then you chomp it in the way a horse would and chew a bit then chomp some more in. If you saw yourself on film you might stop. But I doubt it. Kids do this!

And on other food related news do you really have to bring a full Thanksgiving sized meal into lunch everyday? Keeping the fridge loaded up with all of your TV dinners and microwaveable meals? Then you make a production out of the meal. Pulling out bags of salad, salad dressing, baggies of cheese, side dishes in tupperware, applesauce and snack pack puddings, spices, tastykakes for dessert... ENOUGH!

And the way you eat? I'm happy  - and surprised actually - that you keep your mouth shut but what the hell is going on with your lips when you chew? You look like a camel! LOOK IN THE MIRROR! It's gross! And you examine the food. Then every bite you take in slowly. I can tell you're enjoying it. Savoring.

You're obsessed with food.. Every time somebody is pulling their lunch out of the fridge you curiously look over. Extending your neck. The mice running on the wheel in your pee brain running as hard as they can trying to figure out what they're about to eat. Like a dog. It's killing you that you don't know so you then casually say, "Eh? ...So whatcha got there?" Also weird and creepy. Then you make a comment about the food and tell the person what you're preparing. Nobody cares Dale.

And finally, remember when I was eating a Tastykake cherry pie and you gave a five minute dissertation about how the new packaging for the pies is a rip off because "the pie packaging is heavier but the total weight of the product is the same so we're getting ripped off?" and it was probably "some big wigs*" idea?

Did you notice how I wasn't paying attention? Well take a hint.

*Who says "big wig?"

Can't Believe I Haven't Run Into My Skanky Old Hair Dresser.

It's been two years. And I still haven't run into the lady that used to cut my hair. I'm not sure why I waited so long to dump her ass. Not only did she tell the most boring stories about herself but she was super skanky. I'm talking manly face, dry hair, large moles....But she thought she was hot. She would always tell me how guys liked her. I'd be all, "Really?" While trying not to have a throw up face on.

I think a lot of women that are thin and skanky think they're hot just because they're thin. Kind of like some women with blond hair think they're hot because of the blond hair. 

And I'm not kidding her stories were the most boring I've ever heard. She would give details that didn't even matter for the story. I swear this is a real "story." See how much of it you can take....

"So I was going to go to the 76ers game but wasn't sure if Dave my husband could go or not. He usually does go but he was thinking about working late so I was like, 'Maybe I'll just ask my friend Diane.' So I called up Diane. She's really nice. She used to work with me when I was at my last job. She was like, 'I'm not sure but I think I can.' So she calls back and says she can and I was like, 'Great.' And it worked out perfectly because my son was going to stay late for basketball practice so my husband could just pick him up. So I'm getting ready and I'm really in the mood for a turkey wrap. So I'm thinking why don't we just get some wraps on the way down and that way we don't have to stop because I like to get there a little early. So I pick up Diane and I was running a bit late because I had to stop at Wawa. And there was traffic. So I get Diane and we're on the way down and my son called and his basketball practice was cancelled. Which is fine but sometimes it's hard to get a hold of my husband because he gets the worst cell phone reception."

And it goes on. And on. And on.

And there's no interesting point. It would just be the details of her plans to go to the basketball game and then driving there. And I was just sit and nod. Sometimes to amuse myself I would say things in my head silently that I wanted to say out loud like, "Guess what? I don't give a shit!" or "Wait. Tell me the part about maybe getting turkey wraps. That's so interesting! I have a friend that likes turkey wraps!

So finally I dumped her and never looked back. Now I have a super cute chick cutting my locks. AND she's really interesting.

I still don't get how people that are really boring can be blabbermouths too Don't they see the expression on the faces of everyone they talk to? So I'm saying this: If you're boring keep your pie hole shut and listen to us interesting types. Take notes.

Deadheads Vs Parrot Heads. Which Are More Annoying.

I'll start by saying that I've seen both the Grateful Dead (three times) and Jimmy Buffett (two times) and had a great time at the concerts. And I've always had fun in the parking lot. PAAARRR-TAAAYY!

With that said, both hardcore Dead Heads and Parrot Heads annoy the hell out of me. The whole "look at me! I'm embracing this and I'm a part of the scene!" just gives me a major rash.  And I hate self proclaimed Deadheads or Parrot Heads that have to let you know, "I'm a total parrot head. I've been to 21 shows. I know every song." I don't give a s*%t buddy. So who is more annoying and why? Show your work.

Also, bonus points if you can name any other band follower names. By the way followers of Clay Aiken are called "Clay Nation."

 (Look at that dude above. Arrogant nerd!)

BREAKING NEWS: Chester County Man Confronts Loud Eater!

I must be growing bigger balls in my older age. First I tell the teenagers to shut up in the Downingtown Regal Theater (see story here) now I confront a loud eater at the library.

If you think about it I'm kind of like a public nuisance fighter. A man who puts himself in danger's way for the good of others. Perhaps like a super hero? Hold on there. I put my pants on like everyone else. Am I making the life of the commoner better by standing up to these injustices? Yes but "super hero" might be pushing it. Well, they're YOUR words not mine. Call me what you will.

Here's what happened. I'm sitting on the computer and this dude is eating Peanut Chews. Loudly. Smacking his lips and mouth with every bite. I'm not exagerating when I say that if I tried I couldn't do it louder. If you heard my imitation you would roll your eyes and say, "Yeah right. He wasn't doing it THAT loudly!" But he was. Almost like he was doing it on purpose.

After a few minutes of looking over to him - him oblivous - I finally couldn't take it. My blood was boiling!

Me: Listen. Do you realize how loud you're eating? You need to go somewhere else.

Him: (looks at me and he's furious) What? ..I...Why don't you!....FINE!

Then he flings his chair back, grabs his stuff and storms out. He looked like David Banner right before he goes all Hulk.

I was hoping for applause from people but there were only a few people there. And they probably sensed danger*. Not sure if they noticed because I was then going into fight preparadness mode. After a minute I was going to turn to the guy behind me and say, "Do you believe that guy?" But didn't.

And I don't feel bad either. A few weeks ago the dude was doing the same thing. And he was eating Fritos -taking one tiny piece and chewing it slowly with the same loud, annoying lip smacking. And was also then opening his drink, taking a sip then going, "Ahhhhh."

Jerk! You got what you deserved!

*Pussies.

How I Used To Annoy My Siblings. Dancing.

I’m always amazed at how little my two kids argue because when I was growing up I used to torture my siblings.

There were five of us. I have 2 older sisters and a younger sister and brother. One of my standard tortures was to dance in front of the TV. But I'd actually wait until a pivotal moment in the show. Then I would walk toward the TV slowly and pounce in front.

Let the dancing begin.

“Move!!” They’d yell.

“Yeah right. I haven’t performed this yet..” Then I’d break into my dancing. I usually found that I could annoy them the most if I had a shit ass grin on my face and zombie eyes. The dance would always start out as tap dancing, then I’d throw in a bit of ballet to mix things up. Once the “Get out of the way!” screams got louder and I knew that I had limited time I’d do my finale which was that tap dancing move where you do the thing where you look like your running (while leaning forward) while alternating your straight arms forward then back. (What’s that move called?)

The other finale move was the one where you swing your arms in wide circles while doing crazy tap dancing with your feet. I really should know the names of these moves since I've been performing them all these years.

Oh and I don’t want to forget my other famous dance. The Tissue Dance. This is another dance - all self taught mind you - that I created that uses tissues as props. It’s a ballet/interpretive dance where my body actually becomes one with the tissues.

It’s really hard to explain in words. I’ll just have to show you when I see you.

Cashiers Need Better Training You Slow Pokes! Wawa.

I usually get a USAToday at Wawa. Mostly for the Sudoku. And if I get Theresa the cashier, this is what happens:

- She turns the paper around.
- She looks at the headlines.
- I hold my money out.
- She finally takes my money but continues to read the headlines.
- She then put the money in the register.
- She slowly hand me the paper.

And it drive me crazy! And it's not even like she comments on a story to make conversation. She just wants read the paper.

Of course I don't have the balls to say anything to her. I wish I were my Dad sometimes because in a second he would say,

"OK listen, I come in here everyday to get a paper, and I'm in a hurry but you have to scan the headlines. I'm really going to have ask you to do that on YOUR time. Not mine. Now if it happens again I'm going to have to talk to your manager. Are we clear on this?... Are we clear on this? OK. Have a good day."

What The Hell Does This Mean? Pop Up Stuff On TV.

Sometimes if I think of a post I'll write a quick reminder in Blogger so I'll remember to write it later. So a few days ago I wrote:

"Don't Just enjoy the show..enjoy the go..w bear running across the scene 2 seconds after guy falls off bridge on snf. VH1"

And today I was like...What the hell does that mean? Then I remembered. It was a reminder to write a post about the bottom of the screen teasers on TV that you see to remind you what shows are coming up. They're like mini commercials. They're called ad crawlers. I think some bears were running across the screen.

The movie I was watching was Saturday Night Fever and at the part where the drunk dude is on the bridge saying, "Tony, look at me...look at me Tony" he falls to his death. It's then that two cartoon bears go running across the screen as a reminder to watch some cartoon show that has bears on it.

Totally ruined the movie... even though I was just flipping and I've seen in the movie a bunch of times.

And I've read a few articles on the subject lately and they're not going to stop these ad crawlers. There's too much ad revenue to be had.

Do any of my European readers have this in their country yet?

Cojo? Get The Hell Off Of My TV! Stupid Fashion Jerk!

Oh really Cojo? You think that a few accoutrements make any woman's outfit come to life in a snap? You're the authority on clothes? Then why are you wearing clothes that only a chick would wear?

(Me pushing him down steps) Who gives a crap you pumpkin faced girl! And what man has sculpted eyebrows like that? (Shoves mirror in his face) Look at yourself! Did I give you permission to speak? Shut up! If I see your stupid faux cheerful act on my TV one more time I swear to God I'm coming after you with an ax!

That is all.

The Most Annoying Sound In The World Is.....

There aren't many things that strangers can do put me into kill mode. But the other week when I was at the library, I heard the most annoying sound known to humans. That noise is a woman sucking and rattling a God damned Halls Cough Drop around in her mouth while breathing loudly through her mouth like Lisa Loopner. And she switches the Halls from side to side and sucks on it every few seconds so she can swallow it's healing juices!

There aren't many things that bother me to the point that makes me want to smash the person in the face!

Why Oh Mighty and Powerful Jesus do you not give me the strength to grab this woman by the ears and tell her she's got 3 seconds to get out of my sight? Do I need to call on Beelzebub to give me the strength and guidance? You know that a few years ago when a car picked me up at 5 in the morning for the airport there was an old lady in the car doing the same thing with a Halls. For the entire trip to the Philly Airport. Remember that time?? Are you testing me Mr. Jesus?

How does a grown woman not know she's making a huge racket like this? Does she not see I keep looking at her to give her the signal to stop? That's it. Just reliving it is making me so mad that I need to go find someone to punch!

"HEY YOU...COME HERE! YEAH YOU!..STOP RUNNING!"

*One time in college I was in a class and I was picking my fingernail - I swear it was barely audible - and this chick next to me with all her rage said, "WILL. YOU. PLEASE . STOP. DOING. THAT!?" Frickin' psycho but I wish I had her courage. Instead - I am like the Cowardly Lion before receiving his fancy courage degree from the Wizard.