Weird Dream I Had Last Night That Featured Dwarfs.

Here's a real dream that I had last night:

I was in a huge department store and I was sitting at a dining room table. I fell asleep and a sales girl woke me up and said, "Sir, you're going to have to leave, we're closing."

I had been asleep for 12 hours. So as I'm walking through the living room furniture section, there's a snobby ass family using the area for a family portrait. I walk right in front of the camera and dad looks at me like I'm a jerk.

So I leave the building and I'm lost so I see a group of people and I decide to follow them. As I get closer, it's a group of drunk German dwarfs (guys). They're all wearing spiked high heels and singing songs.

I stopped following them because I got the feeling they were going to jump me.

What the hell does that mean?

Garlic Flavored Triscuits Are Downright Tasty! Crunch!

I normally don't like my crackers and chips flavored. Once in a while I'll go for BBQ flavored chips and I do like BBQ Frito's but other than that? No thanks.

But I had some Roasted Garlic flavored triscuits the other day - with some sharp cheddar on top and they were really good! It looks like the elves at Nabisco finally got off their asses and created something tasty.

And I think they're kind of healthy for you because they have fiber. I think they have fiber. I mean, the texture is kind of like the bark of tree in a way.

Who knows? What do I look like? The God damn surgeon general?

So check them out and let me know of any salty cracker or chips that you like in the comments area.

Dwarf On Bike - Partially True Story.

So I'm driving down the road the other week and do you know what I saw? Yup. A dwarf riding a bike.

Good guess!

I bet that when the dwarf went to the bike shop he walked to the counter and said, "Excuse me, I'll take your smallest bike and your largest helmet"

Then the crabby bike shop owner turned around and said, "Sir I don't have time for your Shenanigans.....Sir?... Sir? (he looks around).

"I'm down here."

"Oh my! I apologize, I thought someone was playing a joke on me..smallest bike AND largest head". The bike owner then takes out a tape measure and measures the height of the little fellow then the circumference of his enormous head. "You weren't kidding you little rascal. Let's get you fitted. And here's a lollipop for you."

This was the beginning of a great friendship.

OK. That part didn't happen but I really did see a dwarf riding a specially made bike down the road. No crazy clown horn or anything. I swear. Just a miniature sized bike. And since many of you know that I used to be friends with a dwarf it's perfectly OK for me to tell you this tale.

The end.

Safety Dance. Men Without Hats. Dwarfs and Dancing in Ancient Times.

First of all. I hope people weren't too pissed because of the joke I pulled on my blog today.

Where I come from, instead of saying sorry, we offer the person a song. Sometimes we sing it. Sometimes we write the lyrics out in calligraphy on a brown paper bag and burn the edges to make it look all old and shit. And other times we just fling the record at the person and say, "Here. Mom made me say sorry."

So please listen to Men Without Hats singing "Safety Dance" and lets all move on. Shall we?

And this Friday Send Off Song is dedicated to Mo Stoneskin. Check out his blog and tell him Zibbs sent ye'.

Paul Williams The Singer and Actor. Never Forget.

Hmmm. You don't hear too much about Paul Williams these days.

Dwarfs and Little People. College and Hamsters. Nudeness and Suicide.

I went to college with a dwarf. There. I said it.

And do you know what? I'm not at heightist* Why? Because I put my dorm dwarf friend through the same types of abuses that I put other friends through. I'm serious. I did so much crap and practical jokes in college to friends and am actually proud that I didn't treat him (lets call him Rumpelstiltskin) differently because he was smaller than me. Here are some of the good times we shared:

- I would get on his shoulders and he would run around the halls of the dorm. My feet would be dragging on the floor. Sometimes I would pinch him on the neck. That meant to run faster. He was strong as an ox.

- I would fart in the face of Rumpelstiltskin. It was a lot easier since he was always at ass level but just to be a real stinker, if a few people in the dorm were sitting down in the hall - I would still choose him as my victim.

- I once taped all of his shoes to his ceiling. (I know a little rascal that's gonna be late for class).

- I stole his towel when he was in the shower and when he ran down the hall to his room, I put his towel in the drop ceiling - just out of reach - and had his room mate lock the door. I made sure the door was locked just at the last second. When you can hear that lock click, it makes it more horrifying for the victim.

- When I heard his baby hamsters were dying, I made a mini noose and put it in the hamster cage and wrote a note as if it was left by the remaining hamsters. The note read, "I can't take it anymore. I'm going to kill myself" - implying that it was a suicide. Get it?

Now many of you think that is mean but that's what guys do. See - I told you I had nothing against dwarfs. What abusive things did you guys do to your dwarf friends to make them feel normal?

*Damn it I thought I had invented a word. But someone already made it up.