How To Pick Up Chicks By Pretending You're Into Manatees.

Here's a helpful technique that may help some of my single male readers find a mate. That's right. I'm going to help you get laid. A man needs to get laid. I get laid all the time. But you don't. That's how you ended up here.

It's so simple that it's retarded.

1) Find a lady in a bar, in a supermarket or on a bus*.

2) In a non threatening way, position yourself so she's trapped. You know, so she can't escape. Nothing illegal but if she can't get away she has to listen..right?

3) Stare at her for a bit. She may start to look uncomfortable but this is fine. When she's just about to flee, reach as if you're about to grab her wrist then calmly but assertively say, "I'm totally into Manatees". DO NOT BREAK YOUR STARE.

4) Give her a fact about manatees like, "Did you know that manatees are also known as sea cows?" - you can find many useful manatee facts on the Internet. Memorize them or write them on manatee shaped index cards. Make sure that they're REAL facts and not made up in case she knows a lot about manatees.

Now I haven't field tested my manatee pick up technique but it's pretty much fool proof I think. If you said you were into wolves, eagles or tigers she's gonna think that you're Mr Tough Guy and a lot of chicks don't like that. They want sensitivity. And ain't nothing more sensitive than the lovable manatee. Just look at that mug.

If it turns out that she IS into tough guys, tell her that the only natural enemy of the wolf, eagle and tiger is the manatee. Look down at your shoes while saying this so she doesn't see your lying eyes.

If it turns out she knows her manatees - then at this point - to put it bluntly - you're fucked. If she falls for it...well my friend - you're getting LAID!

That's about it. Good luck and let me know it works out.

*Make sure it's a woman you can beat in a fight if it comes to that. I don't want to scare you off, but if you do these steps with any type of weirdness, a fight MAY start.

Great Pick Up Lines For Getting Hot Chicks.

Look at these great pick up lines for picking up trim. Click here.

Which ones would work on you? Don't lie.

And did anyone ever hear a line or a great opener that you really thought was original?

Villanova, Georgetown and Chick with Nice Nipples.

So to my friend Flare that will surely be watching the Villanova Basketball game shortly - I send you this message: Thanks for all the great times when I came to see you at Georgetown especially the first time I was there and I hooked up with that chick with the nice nipples. And I realized that, "Hey, I can pick up smart girls too. I'm not a dummy."

I'm hoping Villanova wins but if they lose, I'm sure you'll be happy. To see a Villanova and Georgetown clip from back in the day, click here.

The First Time You See Someone Naked. Totally Nude. That's The Best.

I was reading on someone's blog the other day about the first time you see someone naked. It is one of the best things ever. Ever. You pick up some chick - then you're back at her place or yours. Or in a car. And then the clothes come off.

Oh man.

Nothing like that first visual. And it would always go through my head, "Aww man this is great!" You've got to play it cool but you never get over the fact that you've succeeded in getting someone naked. And sometimes it was someone you met a few hours earlier. It's like heaven on earth.

Believe it or not there are only maybe 2 or 3 chicks that I'd be really embarrassed about if anyone saw them. Most were pretty good looking. In fact, I just found a picture online of some girl I used to have sex with and she was pretty hot. And better yet, the picture is from the 80's which was when I was with her. AND, it's a picture of her lying on a bed and looking all sexy eyed. I swear to God. I would post the picture but that would be wrong. See - I do have some morals.

Sometimes it was surprising how different a body looked once nude. I was never a fan of super skinny chicks. I don't like feeling tons of bones*. And if I can put my "playmate hat" on for a minute, the other "turn offs" for me from days of old were excess large moles and the old fur bikini - if you know what I mean.

So have any of you people ever gotten someone nude and you were like, "WHAT THE HELL?" I'm sure some of you ladies have some good stories. Like the dude had a real big one or a real small one. Come on. You can tell me. And there's got to be someone that has a story where the person says something like, "And before we do this, I need to tell you that I only have seven toes." Or something similar.

*One time a friend of mine was tripping and he was having sex with a really skinny girl. He said he looked at her and all of a sudden he saw a skeleton! Frightening.

How To Use Marvin Gaye To Pick Up Girls - Sexual Heeling.

"You're going to help me pick up girls Dr Zibbs?"

Yes I am friend. But I'm not going to tell you how to do it The Pick-up Artist Style. Sorry Mystery. I'm gonna tell you Zibbs style.

Step 1: First of all, you need to be a bit familiar with the song Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye.

Step 2: You need to get two men to play separate characters. Try your local community theater. You'll find many no talents that will jump at the chance of an acting job.

Step 3: Find an attractive lady in a bar. If she's very dumb it will be a snap. If she's not a dummy, you may have to work a bit harder. I didn't say this would be easy did I?

Step 4: While hiding out of sight - maybe behind a potted plant, have actors one and two approach the lady - one actor on either side.

Actor #1: (dressed as weird professor he leans into the lady's face and whispers really loudly) Get up, get up, get up......

Actor #2: (dressed as a longshoreman or lumberjack he leans into the lady's face from the other side and breaths into her ear as creepily as possible) Wake up, Wake up, Wake up........

At this point, you come barreling out from the shadows.

You: Stop! (use the International "stop" motion of holding palm outward) I want you two jerks out of here! PRONTO!

(The actors flee. You coolly sit down next to her - make sure you've showered and you're well groomed).

Bartender: What do you want to drink Mac?

You: I'll take a scotch on the rocks. And for the lady, she'll have some (pause, look at her and cock head).... sexual healing - FROM ME - not from you.

Good luck! And to hear the Sexual Healing song and really get it into your blood, click here.

So that's my Friday send off song. And the shout out this week goes to new readers Belle from Fawty.com, Vic from the blog What Were You Thinking? and Cameron from Get The Stink Off.

Check out their blogs and tell them who sent you. Me. That's who.