Chester County Man Hoards Napkins. Exton Chipotle. Exton Country Bagel.

The Chipolte napkin. The holy grail of restaurant napkin for napkin hoarders like me. 

Does anyone else hoard napkins? I do it all the time. I store them in my car then and use them for various purposes. Face cleaning, spills, the occasional nose blow when tissues run out, wiping down my dash and console...and maybe someday for origami. Who knows?

And Chipotle napkins are the best because you can grab a huge stack easily and they're thick. My least favorite used to be Wendy's. Do you know why? I just hated that bright yellow color. But they've switched to the same industrial brown as Chipotle so I'll be stocking up on those as well. 

And on other napkin hoarding related news I was in the Exton Country Bagel this morning and too bad my arch enemy wasn't there because as I was pulling their crappy napkins out of their toilet paper holder-like dispensers I was imagining if he were there I would slowly pull one out..and another..and another..and another....staring at him the whole time with the look of "there ain't a damn thing you can do about this little man. Not a damn thing." And as I pulled the 30th napkin out I would look at him and mouth, "Thanks for the free napkins....chump."

Then strut my ass out of their establishment. .......And.......Scene!

Growing Up, We Were A Tissue Family And An Ice Family.

It's true, when I was growing up we were a tissue family.

I guess my parents still are. Maybe it's normal with 5 kids and most of them have allergies but I'm not kidding when I say that if you go to my parents house you will find at least one box of tissues in every room.

A box in the small storage drawer by the pool, in both cars...everywhere really.

And if you sneeze?, "Do you want a tissue? Here have a tissue. Just blow your nose. You don't need to blow your nose? What? Then here, put it in your pocket for later. Go ahead. You might need it later."

Tissue people.

My parents are also ice people. There's a huge concern that "WHAT IF WE RUN OUT OF ICE???"

So ice is stockpiled. Just in case. Ice maker in fridge is always full. Then there are six ice trays always full in the upstairs fridge PLUS a bag of ice waiting. And in case someone robs my parents of their precious ice in the middle of the night?...No worries. Because (Shhhhh - don't tell anyone) there's a secret stash in the basement fridge with 6 more full ice trays and an extra bag waiting.

Ice people.

BREAKING NEWS: David Hasselhoff In Hospital. Jump In My Car.

It's true! David Hasselhoff is in the hospital. Read the story here.

And I'm going to have to go against his order of not "hassling the Hoff" because it's at a time like this that he needs us. All of us. I'm asking everyone to surround the hospital where he is and sing "Jump In My Car". Like you mean.

If you don't know the words, watch the video here, write down the lyrics and meet me there!

Gotta go!

Did Doctor Do Something Wrong When Allowing Me To Swab For Flu?

So I finally got out of the house on Sunday after being sick. My wife and I were having breakfast and we're talking about the swab test for the Swine Flu and I told her how it was weird putting the swab up my nose.

Wife: YOU swabbed yourself? The DOCTOR is supposed to do that.

Me: She is?

Wife: Yeah. Don't you think it's weird that she had YOU do it? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life!

My wife had gone online and had researched the whole swab procudure which is pretty detailed. The method I did was basically put the swab a bit up my nose and wiggle it.

So when the office called last Tuesday night and said the test was negative, I questioned it?

"How can I NOT have the Swine flu? I just got the regular flu shot 2 weeks ago so it can't be that. AND I'm sicker than I've been in my adult life."

They said that the test results often come back negative but "You probably have the Swine flu."

You think so?

I'm pretty glad they didn't have to shove the huge swab in my nose and to the back of my throat but it makes me concerned as to whether my doctor is competant. (It was actually my substitute doctor as my regular doctor was out with the flu).

To see how you're supposed to be swabbed click here.

Things I Watched On TV Whilst Sick. Cougar Town. Roll Bounce.

You'd think that being sick is fun because you get to lounge and watch TV all day and night. But it's not. The first two days I could barely look at the TV.

Here are a few things I watched:

Roll Bounce - This is a 2005 movie about kids in the 70's that compete in a disco roller skating competition. And guess what? It was actually a pretty charming and funny, coming of age movie. AND they roller boogie to Kool and the Gang's Hollywood Swingin' - one of my favorite funk songs.

Cougar Town - OK. I know I said that this was unwatchable 2 weeks ago but I watched it again and I laughed out loud at least 6 or 7 times. (thanks to the writers) I still think it was bad casting to have Courtney Cox as the main character though. For how good looking she is, she has zero sex appeal. And since when are cougars supposed to have low self esteem? Huh?

Let's Make A Deal - Did you know that this is back on the air with Wayne Brady as the host? Who knew? And if anyone has seen it, don't you think the people in the audience are given access to costumes before the show? I think they are.

Apocalypse Now Redux - I haven't seen AN in years. Sitting through the entire movie I realized that it's one of the most boring movies of all time. There are some really great scenes and the acting is great but it's God awful boring.

That's it for now.

I'm Almost Better! Fever. Muppets and Rita Moreno.

As I mentioned Monday, I wasn't feeling good. Well, I was in bed the entire week. I've been sitting on my couch for a half hour - the longest I've been out of bed all week.

Did anyone think I had died?

I really need to write a final post just in case something would ever happen to me.

Anyways. Here's Rita Moreno and Animal doing Fever:

Swine Flu. I'm Too Awesome To Get It. Chester County.

So I did the right thing two weeks ago. I got a flu shot. But my son wakes up yesterday and he has the full blown flu. The doctor won't even see him because so many people in Chester County have it. But the nurse suspects that it's the Swine Flu. Hmmm.

The good news: if it's the regular flu I won't get it. The bad news: if it's the Swine Flu I could get it. And here comes the kicker..(get ready to start feeling sorry for me).. I woke up today with flu-like symptoms. I feel like crap. Weak. Chills. Flu feelings.

What I'm trying to say is, please say a prayer for me. To make sure the prayer is more effective, please pray that someone ELSE gets the flu other than me. Maybe someone in your office that you hate*. Otherwise, God will probably ignore you.

*Feel free to leave their name in case God is just skimming through prayers. The actual name will give it a better chance.

Thanks.

Pedophile Beards, Rapist Glasses and More. Funny Creepy Video.

I forget how I found this video on Youtube about rapist glasses* and pedophile beards but it's pretty funny. Take a look:



*I do not endorse rape in any form but I do endorse fashionable glasses. I just want to be clear on that.

Bringing Gerbils to the Vet?? What???

So I hear my wife answer the door the other day. It was someone dropping off some girl scout info for my daughter. I hear the woman say, "Sorry, I have to run, I've got the gerbil in the car. We just brought him back from the Vet."

What????

I bet in Vet school there's at least an hour discussion of do's and don'ts concerning how to handle the nonsense of someone bringing in a gerbil.

Don't - in a demeaning way say, "Does your husband know that you're wasting money on this bullshit?"

Do - after "fixing" the gerbil say, "Now when was the last time your fish have been in for a physical?"

Don't toss the gerbil into the trash and hand them directions to Pet Smart.

Do make them feel less stupid by saying, "Oh you brought a GERBIL here. I thought the nurse said you brought a FROG here. How ridiculous would that be? A frog? Not you though - you brought a gerbil. There is nothing - I repeat nothing wrong or dumb with what YOU did. Now where is the little guy? (shaking head) A frog...sorry...can't get over that one.

Don't take the gerbil into another room, spray paint a new gerbil haphazardly to match the sick gerbil, then hand the new gerbil to the owners and arrogantly say, "NEXT!"